Author's Note: Aw Laud, here I go again.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of these hilarious Akatsuki Members. This chapter and its theme are inspired by a funny Akatsuki video I saw on YouTube. It's just more elaborated upon. Be on the lookout for Twilight and Fight Club references. ;)
That Akatsuki Cray!
Chapter Two: Akatsuki Costume Possibilities
"I call this meeting to order at 6:07PM!" said the mystifyingly omnipotent leader of the Akatsuki known as Pain. "Does anyone have the minutes from the last meeting?"
Nine Akatsuki members stared at each other blankly. No one knew the answer.
"Anyone?" Pain repeated in an irate voice.
"I know! I know!" Tobi, who had appeared out of what seemed like nowhere, raised his hand as he jumped up and down excitedly. The nine Akatsuki members all sighed in unison. Tobi had managed to sneak into yet another not-so-secret meeting. "Ummm, how about… 2 minutes! That's how long it took me to sneak in! Can I be a member now?"
"Tobi, you cannot be a member of the Akatsuki!" Pain shouted as he slammed a gavel onto the desk that lay before him although he was greatly tempted to slam it against Tobi's face instead.
"Why not? Tobi is good boy!" He wailed, tears streaming down from the small hole in his mask.
"That's exactly why! You have to be sassy and dangerous!" Deidara had decided to break the silence of his fellow members and intervene. Tobi just didn't get it. To be in the Akatsuki, you had to be an S-Rank criminal. Not some identity-theft victim in an orange swirly mask with a single hole in it.
"I can be sassy and dangerous," Tobi cried out. "I promise! Please, please, please just let me sit in on the meeting!" Tobi got on his knees and had begun to beg. Amusing somewhat, but pathetic nonetheless.
"Fine," said Pain, giving in. He didn't have time to argue. It was better to get this meeting over with as fast as he could so he wouldn't be late to watch the season premiere of The Vampire Diaries. There had finally been some progress between Elena and Damon. There was no way that he could miss that. He'd adjourn the meeting early if he had to. "I guess you can stay, but don't talk. Just listen." Pain cleared his throat and looked out to his valued members, revealing a large notepad. The page read Costume Possibilities? "Okay since no one knows the minutes from the last meeting we'll discuss costume possibilities since we do not yet have a uniform, and every evil organization should have some kind of ominous uniform. Agreed?"
"Agreed," cheered the other members. Deidara could feel himself getting worked up at the thought of designing something fabulous for him and his fellow members to wear. It made him feel cool to be a member of this ultra evil and totally secret club.
"Oh, I have an idea for the Akat-sooki uni-form!" Tobi's arm was raised. Again. His legs were quivering with excitement and his feet were stomping at the floor. He could hardly contain himself as he flip-flopped himself onto Pain's desk, now practically dancing on it with way too much enthusiasm.
"It's Akat-skee, you idiot!" Hidan pounded his triple-bladed scythe against the large meeting table, nearly taking one of Deidara's arms out as he did so.
"Watch it," Deidara snapped, withdrawing his hands from the table and folding them primly upon his lap. His hands were delicate and so were the mouths on it. How dare Hidan get so close to them with his stupid idea of a weapon. Ridiculous.
"Anyway," Pain continued on, smacking Tobi effortlessly out of the way, "I think they should be black because black is mysterious." He saw that Kisame had raised his hand at this. "Yes, Kisame?"
"I like blue."
The other Akatsuki members rolled their eyes in contempt and irritation. Some made snarky comments, which earned them death glares from Kisame. He thought he heard someone call him a mermaid, but couldn't pinpoint exactly which member had said it.
"Moving on! Any other ideas?" Konan seemed to have something to say, but chose to keep it to herself by pursing her lips. "Yes, Konan? You had something to say?"
"Well, I thought maybe we should make it artistic and stylish."
Deidara scoffed. "As if! Like you know art or style, Konan." She was always trying to one-up him.
"Deidara-chan, kindly shut up and let her speak!" Hidan was waving his triple-blade again, this time aiming for the top of Deidara's head, who shrieked when the scythe neared him. Deidara's fabulous golden locks had a close call, but he'd managed to avoid it. He scribbled down a reminder in his notepad to never sit near Hidan at meetings again.
"I think we should let Sasori come up with the design." Konan folded her arms and flashed a smug smile at Deidara who just rolled his eyes and gave a haughty toss of his hair. There she went again, trying to one-up him. It made him sick.
Tobi had finally stripped himself off of the floor and plopped down on an imaginary chair next to the presentation pad that Pain had been working on. Underneath Costume Possibilities? It now read black. "What about a cape! Like Superman!" Tobi flapped his arms behind him and began to zip around the room making airplane noises as he did so.
"I'm not sure how I feel about a cape," said Kisame. "Aqua-Man didn't have a cape."
"Capes are for super heroes, you idiots!" Pain shook his fist at Tobi, causing him to quit his pretend game of superhero and sit back down cross-legged on the floor. "No capes." Tobi whimpered.
"May I have the floor?" Sasori croaked out, his beady puppet eyes gazing out at his fellow members.
"Yes, Sasori, please do."
"Akatsuki means dawn, so perhaps something that has to do with the dawn—" Sasori got cut off before he could finish his thought.
"Dawn? Like Breaking Dawn!" Orochimaru squealed, clapping his hands together. He tore open his robe to reveal a shirt underneath with the faces of Edward, Jacob and Bella screen printed onto it. "I love this idea. I'm Team Jacob! So I think we should put him on our villainous garments!"
"You would be Team Jacob," Deidara accused. "You're such a pedophile, Oro."
"Oh, yeah?" Orochimaru slammed his hands against the table. "Let me guess your Team Sparkle Time Edward!"
"You bet I am!" Deidara was shouting now and his fists rose into the air. The mouths on his hands opened to growl and bare their teeth. He was ready to throw down with Orochimaru if he had to in order to prove to him which Twilight Shipper Team was the best!
"Shut up and focus," growled Pain. This meeting was quickly getting out of hand and off-topic. At this rate, he wasn't going to make it on time to see The Vampire Diaries and would have to watch it in poor quality online on some sketchy website. He was really beginning to regret not scheduling the meeting for an earlier time, but not everyone was able to make it an earlier time. Deidara had complained that he had a hair appointment at 4pm and that there was "noooo way" he could make it on time to the meeting.
"Let me just get out my idea, then you can discuss Twilight. You know I hate waiting."
"Oh, keep your pants on Pinocchio!" Orochimaru licked his lips. "You're just upset because you're Team Emmet and no one really cares about him.
Deidara giggled.
"Enough!" Pain smashed the gavel down aggressively and finally earned the room's silence. "Sasori, continue please."
"Anyway, I was thinking maybe some clouds would be nice. They're eternal."
"Clouds are totally ephemeral," Deidara argued.
"Eternal."
"Ephemeral."
"Eternal!"
"Ephemeral!"
"Who cares if they're short-lived or everlasting? Next topic. What color should the clouds be?"
"Black," Itachi stated.
"Black on black?" asked Kisame. "I still like blue."
"How about purple?" offered Konan.
"No!" spat Deidara. "Anything but purple. It's such a fugly color!"
"Let's go with red," Sasori said pensively, "it reminds me of my nickname. Sasori of the red sand…"
"Red it is," agreed Pain, who was also a fan of the color red. He felt it was deliciously evil and wicked, which was just the kind of flair the new uniforms needed. "What about the type of garment?"
"I'd like something mysterious and lurking. Something I can wear in a back alley when I sell paraphernalia," Zetsu replied.
"Just don't do it on Akatsuki time. You know how I feel about drugs." Pain quickly scribbled down trench coat as an option on his big notepad. "Just because we're S-Rank Criminals doesn't mean we have to lower our standards and smoke pot."
"A trench coat," offered Kakazu. "It's suiting for a bounty hunter such as myself."
"How about a uni-tard?" Tobi chimed in cheerfully.
"A trench coat will hide my curves. I prefer a leotard like Tobi suggested." Deidara crossed his arms defiantly. How dare they expect him to cover up his divine curves? They were meant to be seen and admired!
"We are definitely not wearing some feminine leotard, you tranny." Kakazu was not about to sport some leotard into his bounty office with the head of some wanted Nin. He'd be the laughing stock of the entire bounty hunters association. They'd never let him live it down and a top of that, they might just put a pretty price on his head as a joke.
"I am not a transvestite. How rude! I am metro-sexual. You hear? Metro-sexual!"
"I think a cloak would be nice," said Konan as she made an origami angel out of her note paper. "Unlike Deidara, I don't feel a need to wear something skin-tight and form-fitting. A cloak says danger and it also leaves some for the imagination. It's much more subtle than a leotard."
Deidara thought of approximately one-hundred rude names for Konan in his head. He'd like to call her each one, but didn't have that kind of time so he chose his favorite. "You stupid ho!" Konan pretended not to hear, which further angered Deidara. "Are you listening to me? I called you a stupid ho!" No response from Konan. "Did you hear me?"
"Could we put a purple bow on it?" Orochimaru asked, smiling slyly at Itachi. He could see Itachi looking super handsome and young if he wore a purple bow around his waist. Itachi pretended not to notice Orochimaru as his tongue lolled out of his mouth hungrily. Orochimaru's hand leered close to his buttocks when Itachi decidedly snatched it in an iron-grip. The Sannin cried out in pain, but made no attempt to fight further as he withdrew to the corner of the meeting table, scooting his seat several inches away from Itachi.
Konan flashed a smile. "I do like your idea for purple accents."
"If we put purple anywhere on the outfit, consider my resignation a done deal," screeched Deidara. He would not be ignored, and he would not wear purple.
Pain flipped the page on his giant-sized notepad to reveal a fresh page. He drew out an Akatsuki member in a black cloak with red clouds. "Like this?"
"I don't like hoodies," Zetsu said. "I can't wear them."
Kisame and Hidan snickered at this.
"What? What did I say?" demanded Zetsu as a look of confusion spread across his botany.
"How about… How about…"
"Yes, Itachi?" Pain stood up, hands clutching the edge of his desk out of sheer thrill. He could feel a breakthrough coming from their Sharingan-flashing member.
"A big ass popped collar."
"Yes!" Pain cried out in ecstasy. The other members gazed upon him with wide, critical eyes. Pain scowled. "Don't judge me. I just got a little excited." He may have even peed a little. Pain drew out the final design for their new uniforms on a brand new page and held it high into the air so his fellow Akatsuki members could see.
"I want to try it on!" Tobi cried as he leapt up, scrambled on top of Pain's shoulders and shoved his head through the notepad, puncturing it so that his head had gone all the way through. It gave the appearance he was wearing the Akatsuki outfit that Pain had drawn. "How's it look everyone?"
Pain grabbed Tobi and threw him carelessly aside. "Okay so that's the outfit we're all going to wear. Kakazu, you're treasurer and insignia so you order the outfits for us. I want them here in two days. Any questions?"
Hidan raised his hand.
"Yes, Hidan?" Pain sighed. It was 7:50pm, just enough time for him to run upstairs, make popcorn for him and Konan, and sit down for their show.
"I think we should recite our rules and regulations before we adjourn the meeting." Hidan's eyes narrowed suspiciously as he looked from member to member. "Some of us don't know how to keep secrets. They need to be reminded that what's said in this meeting room stays in this meeting room." He had been careful not to single anyone out, but they all knew which member he was trying to accuse: Orochimaru. He'd been up to no good lately, conducting strange experiments in his room in his down time and being a little too secretive, even for the Akatsuki. However, Orochimaru feigned innocence when the other members looked to him.
"Okay, let's say the rules together now."
The Akatsuki members all took a deep breath and began to recite the rules in unison, except Tobi who didn't know the rules and just stared in awe.
"Rule #1: You do not talk about the Akatsuki.
"Rule #2: You do NOT talk about the Akatsuki.
"Rule #3: If a Jinchuuriki says 'stop' or goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. We need them alive.
"Rule #4: Only two guys to a Jinchuuriki hit man team.
"Rule #5: One Jinchuuriki per Akatsuki member.
"Rule #6: Wear your Akatsuki trademark nail polish and personalized ring at all times. No exceptions.
"Rule #7: We will go on as long as we have to, as long as it takes to achieve our extremist perception of peace and dominate the world.
"Rule #8: If this is your first time trying to achieve world domination, you have to fight."
"Rule #9: Tobi is good boy!" Tobi hollered, chock full of enthusiasm, but everyone ignored him.
Pain slammed down the gavel a little too hastily and almost got Deidara's fingertips with it, but he prissily removed them before it had come down. "Meeting adjourned!"
Author's Note: Tune in next time for more That Akatsuki Cray! Leave a review and let me know what you think otherwise Deidara will attempt to make out with you with both his unsightly hands.