Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of these cray Akatsuki Members.

"Bro-cab" Lesson: DTF: Down to F ;), Grenades: Big unattractive women, Landmines: Skinny unattractive women, H.A.M.: Hard as a Mofo, Deuces: See you later, Po/Popo: Police, Crib: House or residence, Kouka: Female reproductive organ, murse: man-purse, juiced up: steroid-induced, shredded meat head: insulting name for a guy who lacks no brain but has an abundance of muscles.

Note: You may need to brush up on your Spanish for some of this, but don't let that deter you because the translations are included. ;)

That Akatsuki Cray!

Chapter Four: Fucking Best Night Ever Part I

Better watch out now because here the Akatsuki come. All ten members had traveled together for this occasion because tonight was a very crucial part of their lives as affiliates of an evil organization. They wouldn't stop until the morning sun. They were here to grab someone, but not Jinchuuriki. They weren't coming around to hurt anyone.

No Akatsuki business tonight. This was a pure pleasure kind of endeavor.

Shots. Music. Fist pumping. Going H.A.M. Chicks and dicks. Good times.

No grenades tonight, or so he hoped. He'd like to think that the Akatsuki Crib would remain a Grenade Free Zone, but had to reluctantly admit that his game wasn't at its fullest tonight. Granted, he didn't have to bring his A-Game to show up every other member of the Akatsuki at the club, but he really wasn't feeling any kind of game tonight. Not when he had taken his troubled mind with him to the club. He had meant to leave the Akatsuki troubles at home, but he was feeling frustrated that he was yet to catch a tailed beast. He realized that it would take time to capture some of them, but wasn't he superior to Deidara who had already successfully caught the One Tail? Kisame was still working on capturing the Nine Tails. Not that his Jinchuuriki-capturing partner Itachi was much help these days.

That was another worry. Itachi hadn't been himself lately. His usual reserved demeanor hadn't transitioned into a different persona, but Kisame had noted some changes in the way Itachi had pursued the Nine Tails. He hadn't been as fervent about it. Kisame hated to think that their Bromance could possibly be at stake. The two had gone through everything together…

Maybe Itachi was losing more than his eyesight lately. He hated to think the worst of his partner, but maybe Itachi was losing his mojo.

Kisame frowned as he pushed his way through the crowded club. The other Akatsuki members had branched out temporarily to lay some ground work. They were all looking for the DTF chicks tonight. He wasn't sure if they'd all get lucky, but he was certain that if he put his troubles behind him, there was no way he wouldn't get lucky. No one scored chicks like he did. He was the Complication.

Some days he was the Akatsuki Complication, extract your tailed beast Complication, sacred sword-wielding Complication, and steal your girl bang your girl Complication. He was a pretty deep dude.

The ladies loved that kind of Complication.

Kisame chased his worries away down with a few shots of some very strong tequila. He could feel his cocky self returning as his shoulders loosened. His stomach got that warm pleasant feeling in its pit, promising him tonight would be a good one after all. What a great buzz.

"First of all I'm a boss," he told a grenade when she asked him what his deal was when he had denied her a dance. He wasn't trying to get at that kind of girl at the club. He wasn't bringing anything less than an 8 home tonight. That was his goal. "Second of all, fill in the blanks without spilling your drink." His arm extended outward and pushed past her. He grimaced as he nearly lost an arm submerged in one of her rolls. Third of all, hell naaaaaah! He suspected that not even Samehada could suck up all that fat and chakra.

He proceeded in the direction he was headed. He was going to just roll with Itachi for the night. Itachi was great at scoring the ladies without really trying. Ladies loved his aloof demeanor, like he was too cool for this scene. They liked the chase of someone who was hard to get, and Itachi always played hard to get. Kisame had admired his work. Although, sometimes Itachi made questionable choices because his eyesight wasn't the greatest, especially not at a club with the lights turned down and the blinding black lights. He'd seen Itachi bring home a grenade or two before.

"Kisame," Itachi greeted, as he nodded at a spicy Latin girl getting her grind on near the DJ. She was swaying her hips to the beat as she whipped her hair back and forth. Kisame stared at Itachi a bit in disbelief at the fact that he was able to spot out a hot chick that evening, especially at that much of a distance. Kisame eyed his Jinchuuriki-capturing partner suspiciously. Itachi must have had selective sight at times. And here Kisame was worried Itachi had his Sharingan eyes all over some grenade.

"I'm going in. Check my Spanish." Kisame honed in on his target like a predator because that's what he was. He was a great white shark in the deep blue sea, ready to take a chomp from his prey. This lovely lady was no exception. "Mamacita, ¿qué necesito? Soy ebrio. That's all the words I know."

Hell, he didn't know Spanish. Sure, he could shoot tequila from Costa Rica, but he really just knew margaritas and microwave pizza.

"¿Quieres bailar?" She asked him in a smooth voice as she tugged at him seductively. She uplifted her sultry eyes, giving him the look. This chick had to be DTF. You don't make eyes like that at a guy and not be DTF. There were unspoken DTF laws.

Itachi had done well to wingman this one in for him. He'd have to find some way to thank him later. Maybe he'd dedicate his conquest to him by shouting, "Fire ball jutsu," during his tango with the chick.

He grinned, revealing his jagged teeth. Women were usually turned on by this. It was kind of like a Twilight vampire Complication.

"Ay, mujer!" Hidan cried. He pulled away the exotic woman from Kisame. "No bailes con él. El es un pendejo. Lo digo en serio." (Don't dance with him. He's a dumb ass. I'm serious.)

"What the fuck you just say, Hidan!" Kisame demanded, restraining the potent urge to strangle the cockblock. He turned to look to Itachi for help, but the Uchiha had disappeared into the crowd. He'd likely found a couple girls to occupy his time. Some partner. Not very reliable. Kisame had told that fool to check his Spanish and help him out a bit, but apparently all Itachi had been good for was landing Kisame in a Complication. Kisame was supposed to be the only Complication around here, not Hidan with his bitchy mermaid shit talking habits.

"¿Nos puede entender?" (Can he understand us?) She asked Hidan with a worried look.

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Tch, no! El puede besar mi culo. Que es una pinche sirena estúpida. Juro por Jashin. " (Tch, no! He can kiss my ass. He's a fucking stupid mermaid. Swear to Jashin). He let out a seriously obnoxious cackle escape from his lips in peals of wicked delight.

"¿Estás seguro?" (Are you sure?)

"Juro por Jashin. No habla español." (Swear to Jashin. He doesn't speak Spanish).

Kisame had had enough. "Come at me bro!" He snatched Hidan quickly in the blink of an eye. Hidan cursed loudly but the smug expression never evaporated. Kisame could smell the alcohol on Hidan's breath; see that his pupils were dilated and that his cheeks were flushed red. Hidan was nearly gone.

T hat's how he is... a little bit of alcohol and throughout the night it gets worse and worse and worse, until voilà, Mr. Cockblock of the Century comes out and that's who he truly is, Kisame thought spitefully. He set Hidan down. He didn't have time to take the cockblock down. He needed to search for new prey instead. He'd stay away from Hispanic girls from now on. He just didn't like the idea of Hidan talking shit in another language.

"Fuck this. Deuces."

However, Hidan was mistaken if he wasn't going to get him back. He would get him back.

He shook it off as best he could and moved on. He spotted Orochimaru dancing with some younger guy that looked like he'd only gotten into the club on a fake ID. Typical.

"He's too young for you, bro!" Kisame shouted over the music, hoping his voice would carry over to Orochimaru's ears. It probably had reached him too, but Orochimaru was too busy getting at that bump and grind action with his young prospect.

It was best to move on. He was not about to hang out with that loser anyway. Orochimaru wasn't even a good wingman either. All he did was talk about using people's bodies before his time was up. It sounded like a bad porn if you asked Kisame. Total turn off to the ladies.

He felt an alcoholic beverage splash over his right arm. He looked down to see droplets of someone's drink, confirming the offense. His eyes shot up, his hand already reaching for Samehada.

"Watch where you're going Fish Face!" slurred a juiced up shinobi. He couldn't have been any more experienced that a chunin, which meant dead meat to Kisame. His steroid induced mass didn't matter. This guy was still going to get what was coming to him, bodybuilder status or not.

Mistake number one was picking on a member of the Akatsuki. You should never trifle with any member of this evil organization. Mistake two was referring to Kisame as Fish Face. He didn't take kindly to those who commented his bluish complexion and gills. At least he was tanned, not a part of the pale crew.

"Come at me bro," Kisame growled as he swung Samehada skillfully. The Shark Skin sword lashed out, knocking strongly against the back of the shinobi's head. The shinobi wasn't down quite yet however. Those juiced up muscles of his had absorbed the shock and he'd managed to recover from the blow as he bounced back into a fighting stance. Kisame was undaunted. There was more where that came from. "Eat my spray tan!"

"Mermaid can fight, eh?" The shredded meat head snatched two kunai from the holster situated at his right leg. He hurled one kunai and then attacked with the other. Was he joking? A kunai versus Samehada? This guy was an idiot.

"Samehada and I will devour your soul!" Kisame rushed him in fake-out before reappearing behind him. He thrust his Shark Skin sword, slamming against the shinobi's ribs hard. He could hear the beautiful craaack and new he'd be out for a while. "Douche-bag!"

Bouncers appeared swiftly at Kisame's side. A few quick hand signs and poof! Kisame watched from a safe distance as the bouncers escorted a water clone out of the club. The others were tending to the shinobi who was definitely down for the count. He moaned in agony as they tried to pull him away from the dancing crowd. Most were throwing elbows and had unintentionally battered the ocean-prejudiced shinobi

"Could you have created more of a scene?" Konan asked, rolling her eyes. "You're so insecure."

Kisame grimaced. He was beginning to understand why Deidara had such a problem with the origami-user. She was a bit stuck up at times. She was good at not only putting Deidara in a bad mood, but putting him in one as well. He decided he'd have fun with her if she was going to maintain her snotty attitude.

Without warning, Kisame pressed his body against Konan's and wrapped his arms around her to hold her steadfastly. "That's not my sword you're feeling." He winked at her.

A look of utter shock and disgust crossed her face. Poof!

Kisame blinked. A total grenade was squealing in his arms excitedly, thrusting her lips at him for sweet Kisame kisses.

HELL NO!

Kisame managed to gain control over his movements again once the shock had worn off. He attempted to push her away, but she was very strong, more so than she had appeared to be. Her arms were now crashing down around him, eager to squeeze the life from him. He wondered frantically if this is what the Reaper Death Seal was like.

Damn Konan and her last minute substitution jutsu! Well-played as it was, he'd return the favor sometime soon. However, that was something he'd worry about later. He had to find a way to get rid of this grenade. Searching desperately around the club for an escape, he caught sight of Zetsu popping ecstasy pills. He had a whistle in his mouth, screaming with the music as he thrust his hips in the direction of women.

Kisame grinned. An escape no jutsu was about to occur.

"Hey, my friend over there," Kisame said as he pointed to Zetsu, "just loves big women with curves." Zetsu wasn't really a chubby-chaser. That was more Kakazu's deal. However, it was an out and Kisame was going to take it. If he could just pawn her off…

"He does? It takes a real man like that to handle all this woman!" cried the Mother of All Grenades as she finally released Kisame. She stepped back to get a better look at Zetsu, meanwhile Kisame got a better look at her. No amount of drinks would make him beer goggle hard enough to bang this chick. Tah-tahs were hanging low like utters on a cow. Not attractive at all. Usually, Kisame liked to think of himself as a boob kind of guy, but even this was just way too much. He felt like if he got too close, she'd be ready for a milking.

Her belly hung over the tight shorts she was wearing, rolls flying everywhere from all parts of her blob body, all screaming I want nom-noms! Her legs had managed to slip themselves in a pair of heels that threatened to cave and break under the pressure they were under. This was like grenade warfare.

There was no way Kisame would even take this grenade for the team. Typically, a grenade had snuck her way into a group of hotties as the lone fugly she-beast. Her hot friends wouldn't put out unless they knew for sure their busted-looking girlfriend was getting some actions herself. In this case, a brave bro would save the platoon by honorably jumping the grenade, allowing them to have a chance at banging the hotties. More often than not, the grenade got laid and the hotties would leave the other guys to blue-ball.

Right about now, Kisame was counting his lucky starfish that this wasn't the scenario tonight. He didn't have to take any hit for the team. All he had to do was outwit the enemy so that she wouldn't take him hostage.

"Yo, Zetsu!" Kisame called out, capturing the botanical shinobi's attention instantly. Once Zetsu had turned his head and waved him over, Kisame made like a shark and dived out of view.

Barf. Kisame had vanished as fast as he could, not giving the girl any time to look back at him. He took cover in the men's room where he unleashed the contents of his stomach. He'd like to blame the alcohol for this one, but he was afraid it was the grenade's repulsive appearance that had caused his stomach to hideously churn.

When Kisame returned from the bathroom, he was cautious not to get too close to where he had last seen Zetsu and the grenade. He put enough distance between them before sneaking a peak over to them.

He gave a wicked cackle, delighted with the execution and outcome of his plan. Zetsu was raving, glow sticks and all, and the grenade was attempting to give him a lap dance as she straddled him. He was too far gone to even truly notice or be fully aware of what was going on. Hopefully, Kisame wouldn't have to hear Zetsu bitch about this later. It was his fault for being cross-faded all the time. Maybe if he tried to just be drunk, shit like this wouldn't happen. That's why Kisame just drank. He drank a lot. But he figured he still had pretty good judgment whether he was intoxicated or not. Even when he was smashed as a mofo, he never took home a chick that was less than a 4 on the hotness scale. That was his rogue ninja way.

Kisame decided to join up with Deidara, Sasori and Kakazu. They seemed to be having a good time at least. They were in the center of the dance floor, hitting up the beats and fist pumping. Fist pumping was one of Kisame's favorite dance moves and it looked like Sasori was going H.A.M., getting his groove on like no other. There was a crowd surrounding him, cheering him on and everything.

Kakazu looked like he was hooking up with grenades and landmines all night. The Akatsuki knew him as Kakazu but you could probably call him Sloppy Joe instead. It seemed more fitting, especially right now. Kisame could recognize a few of the chicks as ex-conquests of Hidan, who didn't really have standards. He saw all conquests as sacrifices to Lord Jashin, which was another turn off to the ladies if you asked Kisame. His comrades needed some serious advice about how to hook up and handle the ladies.

"I like my women like I like my clothing. Options." Kakazu tried to play it off smoothly, like he'd hit the jackpot with his grenades and landmines. Kisame rolled his eyes. This guy thought he was a smooth operator. In reality Kakazu was known to take home the fugliest of chicks back to the Akatsuki Crib. Not smooth at all, in Kisame's opinion. One time he took home two pair of lesbians, and they were not anything to brag about. They were as dike as possible. It didn't matter if Kakazu had the two-at-once experience. If it was with landmines, it wasn't by any means a hook-up worth mentioning.

"No, you like your women like you like your underwear. Dirty." Deidara let out several peals of laughter. Kisame chuckled himself. Deidara was kind of a little bitch at times, but he still had a pretty good sense of humor. That was something Kisame could admire and appreciate.

Just then, Konan had emerged from the crowd. She curtly pushed past them, pretending she hadn't noticed them. Yet she callously slammed her shoulder into Deidara as she brushed through, nearly sweeping a drunken Deidara off balance. He was no longer laughing, but Kakazu had let out a snicker.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Deidara whirled around, again almost falling. His face had distorted itself into a vehement scowl. Konan bore a minute smile on her face. The deed was definitely intentional. "I will fucking attack you like a squirrel monkey!" Deidara leapt above the crowd, practically surfing atop everyone as he attempted to make his way toward Konan. She had already made her escape from his reach, nearing the exit of the club. Deidara would never reach her in time and once she'd found her way out of the club, she'd certainly vanish.

However, Konan lingered at the doorway of the exit. She grinned mischievously as she lifted a red cup into the air. With her free hand she pulled down her top to reveal that she had been wearing a sluttish form of her Akatsuki garment underneath. There was no mistaking the red clouds against black fabric. Then she lifted that same hand high into air and gave Deidara the middle finger, exclaiming, "Fuck you, Dee Dee. I'm wearing my Akatsuki shit, got diamonds on my neck and patron in my cup! I don't give a fuck!"

She then cocked her arm back, aimed and threw with rogue ninja precision and force. Deidara had tried to dodge, had tried to get away, but crowd surfing and dodging did not go together. There was only so much he could do to get away and no matter how he struggled the crowd seemed to be holding him in place as if it had all been a giant set-up.

The red cup sailed through the air until it hit him square on the head and drenched him in alcohol.

Deidara let out a frustrated cry. Konan would pay. That bitch would pay. As soon as he found his way back to the ground level, he returned to the group pissy as ever. "Bitch threw her drink at me!"

"You're always so dramatic," Kakazu said, skulking away with a grenade in the direction of the door. He was likely headed back to the house. Once you ran into a DTF chick, you took her back to the crib right away. You didn't mess around at the club anymore. You had to get in and get it out. That's how you played that game.

"Wouldn't you be pissed too, my man Sasori?" Deidara demanded, wondering why he couldn't get some kind of sympathy. What Konan had done to him was hitting below the rogue headband. She messed up his hair. You don't mess with Deidara's hair. Didn't she realize that his hair was the crucible of silkiness? Didn't she understand that now Deidara would have to brush his hair 100 more times after several sessions of rinsing and repeating?

Sasori shrugged. "I've been waiting for this scene to pick up so I can get my fist pump on, and it's not happening. I hate waiting so I'm out." The creepy puppet master turned his great wooden back to them and headed off in the direction of the exit as well. "Peace, nigga!"

"My evening is ruined. I gotta head back to the hideout now. I can't stay here like this with my hair totally fucked up," Deidara explained to Kisame, completely disheartened by his sopping wet hair. Normally, he'd totally own the wet hair look, but this wasn't water. This was alcohol. There was no way in hell Deidara was going to stick around the club with his hair like that. He couldn't let people see his hair at anything less than 110 percent.

The blonde began to rush toward the exit of the club. He'd already spent way too much time in shock over Konan's actions. Who knew how many people had already taken witness to Deidara's messed up hair. He was certain that pictures were being uploaded to Facebook right now, tagging him as they said rude and hateful things about his hair. They probably tagged Konan too, congratulating her on her feat.

And where was Pain in all this? Their leader was nowhere to be found! Wasn't he supposed to be keeping the peace of the Akatsuki members, making sure they all played nicely? No, he was probably off in the club, letting everyone take belly shots off him. Some leader. Ridiculous.

Deidara felt like every one of them was such a big slut sometimes. No sense of dignity or self-respect. Plus, they were all just assholes. Hidan was a rude motherfucker most of the time, Orochimaru was hitting on young men constantly, Zetsu was selling drugs outside the club in some dark alley, Konan was slutting it up showing her kouka to everyone and Itachi was probably lighting shit on fire with his Amaterasu like a pyromaniac.

Even his man Sasori was on thin ice. His lack of empathy had pissed Deidara off. Next time Sasori bitched about puppet splinters, Deidara sure as hell wasn't going to console him. He was on his own.

Deidara whipped out his cell phone from his Akatsuki murse (man-purse). He selected his Facebook app so that he could update his status. He needed to vent.

DEIDARA'S STATUS UPDATE

Deidara: Bitches ain't shit! Seriously trying to fuck up my hair at the club because you have the fugliest effing hair I've ever seen just makes you a jealous beezy. Everyone knows, especially when you make your envy sooooo obvious. Anyway, you're a stupid ho, and you better sleep with one eye open tonight. I might just implant some explosives in your bed tonight when you take some nasty man home to bang. Then you'll both REALLY have a BANG! Come at me, ho! ;)

Venting on Facebook always helped him to feel better when others, namely Konan, tried to bring him down. It was like he was announcing to the world that he was one sassy little beotch who was a force to be reckoned with. He grinned when he saw his first "like" until he saw who it was.

Tobi likes your status.

Tobi commented on your status, "Deidara, you went to the club? Which one are you at? I'll meet up with you! Why u no invite me? "

"Dee, wait up!" Kisame chased after the blonde. He'd followed him for two blocks nearly before deciding it was appropriate to approach. He hadn't wanted to be too quick to approach Deidara when he was still seething and fuming from Konan's psycho-bitch attack.

"You want a piece of me?" Deidara hissed, throwing his hands in front of them. The mouths on his hand opened up, viciously chomping toward Kisame's new threads.

"Bro, I was just gonna ask if you'd like to get some revenge with me. You down for a couple of pranks?" Kisame asked, whispering low so that no one could overhear them unless they were directly in front of them.

The look of irritation left Deidara's face instantly. His eyes narrowed as a satisfied smirk spread over his face. His hands had gone from an offensive position to becoming conspiring as he strummed his fingers together. "I do love sweet revenge," Deidara cooed. He brushed a hand through his hair, untangling a sticky knot from it. And this revenge would be sweet.

The two partners walked down the block with one another in the direction of the hideout. Let everyone get fucked up at the club and be bitches because these two unlikely partners in crime had a plan. And a very good one at that. They'd get back every single member tonight. No one would be exempt, not even their usual Jinchuuriki partners. They'd been all guilty of some sort of offense tonight, and revenge was very sweet so that's why you took a shot of vodka to help chase it down.

Had Kisame just become his best friend in one night? Because Deidara was really feeling this night.

"This suddenly became the fucking best night ever," Deidara surmised, shaking hands with Kisame in agreement to their deal of revenge they'd just secretly made together.

"Oh, it's about to be," agreed Kisame. He lifted his chakra-eating sword Samehada into the air, charged with exhilaration and vengeance. They'd both be getting their retribution for the transgressions of their fellow Akatsuki members. "Oh, yeah! Gonna get revenge, yeah! Yeah buddy!"

"Can Tobi be a good boy and join?" The mask wearing ninja had appeared out of the darkness. Deidara couldn't figure out how the idiot managed to keep sneaking up on them. How the hell had Tobi known which club, let alone which alley, to appear at? He was more than your average Facebook Stalker.

"Where did you come from? How the hell did you find us?" Deidara demanded, ready to smack him silly.

"Facebook, duh. Sasori just checked you all in!"

Deidara couldn't see behind his mask, but he had a feeling that Tobi was grinning from ear to ear. He rolled his eyes as annoyance flickered across his face. "You can't tag along."

"But pleeeaaaaseee," Tobi threw himself at Deidara, hugging him fiercely. Deidara tried to shake him off, but he had latched on too tightly to be taken down easily.

"No, you'll only get in the way!" Deidara shoved Tobi hard, but he didn't budge as his grip tightened. "You're cutting off my circulation you dumb freaaaak!"

"Let's take him along," Kisame offered. "I have an idea for how he can be of use."

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi finally released Deidara from his death grip only to prance around the vexed explosives user. Deidara wasn't too happy about Tobi coming along, but he trusted Kisame's judgment. If Kisame had a job for Tobi to perform, then Deidara wouldn't complain and allow the idiot to accompany them just this once. He wasn't in the mood for arguing anyway. He still had to wash his hair before setting out to execute their diabolical scheme.

"We'll meet at the rendezvous point at exactly 5am. That's when everyone will be passed out." Kisame said nothing more and turned his back to the two. He slung Samehada over his shoulder. Instead of rounding the corner to set off on the path that led to the Akatsuki Hideout, he crossed the street and went in the opposite direction. He needed to make a little trip to Super Wal-Mart in order to gather the supplies they needed for that night.

He whistled as he ambled along the streets as he passed drunken men and women. They were trying to find their ways home and hail a taxi before the popo hunted them down. Kisame didn't worry about things like that though because he was already a rogue ninja. The po had nothing on him or his fellow Akatsuki members. Because that shit cray!