Hello again everyone! Good to know you're all still reading. Jsyk, that chapter before is probably the last you'll see of Cindy. She's not important, which is why I placed in some random OC so I hope that didn't discourage you from reading the rest? This is all about Kogan after all!
Anyway, much thanks to squoctobird and 801-chan for reviewing. It's always good to receive a few words letting me know you all are enjoying this :)! I know I'm not the best writer, I did get my first Comp paper back a while ago and I see I have fragment/word choice problems but my sister and I do edit chapters best I can. So thanks for sticking through my awful skills.
In other news, Big Time Contest Tonight! Hope you all would be watching because I know I will! The guys have quote on quote "sworn off dating girls". Hmm I wonder what exactly they are implying. *wiggles eyebrows*
Here be the fanmix:
theprincessandrajah(dot)tumblr(dot)com(slash)tagged(slash)the_kogan_fanmixes
The Kogan Trilogy:: Falling is Like This
PART I- Falling is Like This
CHAPTER THREE:: Every Little Thing He Does Is Magic
Kendall breathed a loud gasp, body jerking upright in fear.
His heart was racing probably a billion miles an hour, eyes greeted with an unfamiliar darkness, and the blonde was covered in a thick layer of warm sweat that made his clothes stick rather uncomfortably to his skin.
For a second he wondered where he was, terrified by the sudden black of his surroundings, but sight soon kicked into focus. He could make out the shapes of his dresser, mirror, and desk. He was in his room, on his bed, and the fact that he had jolted up from a laying position certainly signified that he had been asleep, dreaming.
'Dreaming of what - oh.'
Kendall buried his face into his hands at the notion of the feeling the familiar sticky sensation of warm liquid in his pants. The images of his dream flooded in right after, a whirlpool of explicit content that started off right after a simple kiss. The person his mind had centered this dream about? Logan Mitchell.
'Greaaat, for about the fourth time...' Kendall gave a loud frustrated sigh as he dragged himself out from the covers, intent on changing into a pair of dry boxers because he certainly could not sleep like this. Not that he could sleep anyway, not after experiencing a dream so vivid that he had nearly thought it was real.
Kendall really wasn't used to dealing with any of this at all. No, it was not like he hadn't had these types of dreams before, he'd gone through some during his high-fever dating days back in high school, but he'd never have to deal with these dreams in a way that he couldn't do the things he wanted with the person he dreamed of.
Kendall had always had his way back in the day. Any girl or guy, though it was mostly girls, because they seemed to openly want him as much as he did for them. It's why he had no trouble getting into a relationship with a person when he wanted to. He took charge, made the bold move, and didn't care whether he'd bother or scared away the other because at least he had tried. Waiting wasn't his thing, and that's why it killed him so much just sitting around and watching Logan flirt with girls. He hated doing nothing.
But, for once in his life, Kendall was nervous to take the step. His palms became sweaty at the simple thought of announcing his feelings for Logan, telling him, because he wasn't too sure about what Logan's response would be. He couldn't tell if the other would reciprocate, and he worried about everything falling apart very terribly if Logan did not like the idea of another guy having a crush on him. The genius could very well push him away and Kendall did not like that idea. He didn't want to scare Logan out of his life because he could not imagine life without him.
'Says the guy who has only known him for about 3 months.' Kendall scoffed at himself, now dressed in a new pair of sweatpants and throwing his body back onto the comforter. He rolled over and settled his eyes on the darkened ceiling above, the light filtering in from the window casting an eerie glow and making the shadows dance above.
It was strange, how life worked, he thought. All through his high school life he had thought he had truly been in love with every single person he had dated, but then college came along and he met Logan. Good god, the moment he locked eyes with him at the coffee shop, the small boy offering to pay for his order, he knew there was something special about him. Not long after Kendall became nearly absorbed in everything about him, never wanting to go a day without texting or hearing his voice.
Logan brought Kendall's life a sense of ease, and that was especially something because he had been through a lot, his father leaving his mom when they were young, friends betraying him in middle school, teenagers always wanting to pick a fight with him, the list goes on, and, unlike everyone else, Logan caused no drama. He was logical, precise, always offering a clear solution to all his problems, and best of all always, always there for him.
What more could he ask for than someone that genuinely cared about him and brightened his day with a smile every time?
For Kendall, Logan was the epitome of love and he just knew it.
But these dreams, geez, they were haunting him ruthlessly these past four days now and he hated how frustrated he was getting.
'Maybe if I actually bothered to talk to Logan like I said I would my mind wouldn't be doing this.' Kendall bit his lip as he turned on his side.
It made sense too, Kendall wasn't seeing Logan enough these days that his subconscious seemed to be trying to make up for it in… dirty dreams, but dreams nonetheless. He knew it was bad to be evasive, but he couldn't help it. Logan had wanted a clear reason as to why Kendall disapproved of his current girlfriend, or really all his girlfriends, but no matter how much Kendall thought he couldn't think up a not suspicious sounding answer. There was no other way but to tell Logan the truth, and that was not what he wanted to do because there was a high chance he would screw up this precious friendship.
'But I can't live like this.' He thought to himself, the blonde realizing his current situation would only get worse if he continued avoiding Logan. Not talking to him and slowly drifting apart was the opposite of what he wanted to do in hiding his feelings for the young man.
Well then, there was one obvious thing that he had to do.
Tomorrow he was going to go find Logan because he could not take another day without seeing his face. Consequences will wait.
And with that resolve, college student Kendall Knight finally drifted off into a much needed sleep.
The morning came in a rush. Kendall immediately hating that he decided to try and find Logan on a Tuesday of all days, they were his longest days, but liking it at the same time. There was a better chance he'd run into him at the university café, he and the brunet usually bought their morning coffee before their eight o' clock classes together, so the hockey jock hopped out from his bed, showered, and got dressed quickly.
He tossed his notebooks in his bag, not caring whether the papers crushed each other or not because he could deal with that later, and snatched up his car keys off the kitchen countertop as he made his way out of his small apartment. Kendall could not have rushed off into his car fast enough, the blonde pulling out into the street in the blink of an eye. He was honestly surprised at himself for not speeding.
When Kendall made it to the university he proceeded to make his way around campus to the café at a hurried pace, though he tried hard not to draw attention to himself what with the few students that were around. He couldn't help himself, he was practically dying at the thought of seeing Logan again, and he did not want to miss the one chance of seeing his face.
Upon reaching his designated area, Kendall took residence behind a pillar across from where the front door to where the entrance to the café was located. He made sure to stick to its shadows because the last thing he wanted to do was be visible.
'This would be so much easier if more people were around.' He surmised, but Kendall certainly didn't want to wait until lunch hour to find Logan around. It would be two times harder since most students would be swarming around in between classes and who knows where that kid went during his free time.
So Kendall waited.
It's not like he minded anyway, he'd do anything for Logan at this point. The blonde boy stared out to the sun's rays that peeked in from in between the lined pillars, soft breeze blowing and cooling his face. He busied himself with thinking about Logan the most though. His mind wandering off and thinking of what he did in the mornings, imagining the brunet brushing his teeth and packing his backpack in the most organized manner as a studious student like him would. Kendall chuckled to himself at the thought of the possibility of Logan organizing his folders in his bag like a file drawer, all sorted out in alphabetical order. He honestly wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. It was such a Logan thing for him to do.
Then, out of the corner of his eye, Kendall caught sight of him. He didn't even question how he knew the boy approaching was Logan, whether it was the sound of his footsteps or the look of his figure, Kendall just knew. And when his eyes caught sight of the short figure walking down the outdoor hall- the eighteen year old boy trudging along with his hands in his beige coat pockets, eyes blinking away the dirt of the wind as he looked on ahead -Kendall's face automatically lit up with a smile. He was just so darn cute and the blonde suddenly wondered how he had even gone several days without him.
Kendall watched as Logan pulled his cell phone out of his pocket then, frowning at the sight of whatever it was on the screen. He appeared to click through a few things on his keypad, but then gave up and snapped the phone shut heaving a sigh with his expression contorting into one of gloom. Kendall felt his heart squeeze at the sight. He wanted to kiss that sad pout away.
Logan attempted to toss the phone with his one hand, but it failed epically, the object falling to the ground at his feet with a loud clutter. The brunet then gasped, looking shocked at the sight, probably worried that he may have damaged a very much needed object, and practically threw himself to his knees, hands fumbling to pick the cell off the ground. It kept slipping from his fingers, however, and Kendall covered his hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter. He really couldn't though, and a rather loud chortle escaped from in between his fingers.
"Who's there?"
Kendall's eyes widened and he ducked behind the pillar. Oh crap, Logan heard.
His heart was pounding in his chest now, his eyes squeezing shut as he tried to convince himself "well if I can't see him, he can't see me". Unfortunately, he knew that mantra was a fail when he heard the sounds of Logan shuffling to his feet, the boy probably intent of walking over this way to investigate. In that case, why bother hiding?
Before Logan could even get the chance to take his footsteps forward, Kendall stepped out from behind the pillar, forcing a smile as he waved to his old companion. "What's up, Logan?"
The brunet was speechless for a moment. Kendall was the last person he thought he would see, considering that it seemed the blonde was avoiding him for the past few weeks. Then he seemed to recall how his discovery came about, "Wait, were you laughing at me?"
Kendall made a clicking noise with his tongue before answering, "What if I was?"
"Gee, and here I was thinking you were more civilized than that."
The blonde let out a laugh, instantly forgetting his problems as he waltzed over to the shorter boy and spouted, "You should've seen yourself though! Dude, you were panicking over that cell phone like it was your life and you couldn't even pick it up!"
"Well excuse me for caring about my technological items, it's not like a replacement can come cheap!" Logan replied. The boy felt slightly embarrassed that Kendall had witnessed his panic attack over a tiny little thing and it didn't help that he'd caught sight of his clumsiness.
The blonde grinned down at him, "At least your caring made it entertaining."
Logan rolled his eyes, the brunet glancing over his shoulder at the pillar to where Kendall had been hiding. It was a good spot that he picked too, pretty secluded. Had it not been for his laughter, Logan may have walked right by without a clue. "So… how long have you been watching me from a distance like that?"
"Just today." Kendall was surprisingly not hesitant in his answer.
"… Can I ask why?"
"I missed you."
'Oh my god, why did I say that?' Kendall was even beginning to scare himself with these blunt responses.
Logan seemed a little stunned by this answer, a pause hovering between them shortly as the brunet processed then unexpected words. Deciding it was safe to give a similar response, he lowered his eyes to the ground as he whispered a soft, "I missed you too."
Kendall actually twitched forward at that response, half driven mad by the crazy strong urge to embrace the boy and bury his face in the small cradle of his neck. He kept his feet firmly planted though, and instead sought joy in gushing over those words. That was probably the sweetest thing he'd ever heard. Not to mention, it slightly boosted his confidence in thinking that Logan may have treasured him in the same way he did. It'd nearly sounded like it, at least.
"So, Logan, you wanna maybe go grab breakfast?" Kendall gestured to the café behind him, taking advantage of his confidence while he still had it.
The brunet perked up at this, nodding with a smile as he replied, "Sure."
Just like that the two walked into the café, side by side, the same way they had done the weeks before any of their problems got in the way. After placing their orders they sat together near a windowsill, making small conversation. Kendall had missed this dearly, missed seeing smiles graze over Logan's beautiful face, his eyebrows furrow when he was thinking, his fingers lace perfectly onto the cup in his hand as he brought it up to his pursed lips for a sip. Everything this boy did was intriguing, every movement he made, every word he uttered—
'Every little thing he does is magic.' The blonde completed in his mind as he half listened to the talk Logan was giving him about quadratics and a formula he found interesting in his algebra class the other day. He paused mid-way his story though, excusing himself as he dug out the vibrating phone from his pocket and flipped it open.
Kendall watched as his eyes scanned the screen, the boy seeming to be reading a long text message as the blonde took a sip from his frappe. Logan finished in no time though, and his chocolate eyes flicked upwards to lock with Kendall's own gaze, the blonde arching an eyebrow upwards in question for the boy to give a response.
"I, uh, gotta go… it's Cindy."
Kendall's stomach did a double flip at the mention of the girl's name, the former hockey captain completely having forgotten that she was the reason for him avoiding Logan in the first place, the reason for their distance. Worst of all, it reminded him that he still hadn't answered Logan's question, something he doubted that the other had forgotten.
The brunet didn't even bring it up though, and he simply got out of his seat. An awkward silence now filled the atmosphere as he swung his backpack over his shoulders, his eyes avoiding Kendall's the whole time. Once he was up he paused in his movements before speaking, "I guess I'll… see you later."
"Yeah…" Kendall could only breathe, trying to not let a sign of stress sound in his voice but he was sure Logan caught it.
The short boy chanced a look up at Kendall. Their eyes locked for a split second before he tore them away and marched out. That stare though, that one instant where Logan let him look into his eyes, he swore he saw some form of hurt.
His chest tightened.
He didn't like Logan looking that way.
But most of all, during that exchange, deep in the other's solemn gaze… he had swore he saw clear affection and guilt that had been directed right at him. Logan's eyes, they had admitted a silent 'sorry' and displayed a longing he knew was reflected in his own.
It made his thoughts swarm and his heart race.
He then found himself thinking of something that really hadn't crossed his mind before: Could Logan possibly want to reciprocate feelings but somehow felt as compelled as he did not too?
Kendall stared at his phone like it was the devil himself.
His grey cellular device sat before him, a silent creature on his nightstand, beckoning, teasing, and mocking the blonde with its presence. If technology were people, Kendall could practically imagine his phone laughing at the fact that he'd been so scared all afternoon to even come near it.
'Just call him.' Kendall tried to convince himself for the billionth time that day.
He had been sitting cross-legged on his bed for most of the time, American government textbook opened in his lap that he was supposed to be reading, but his thoughts were all about Logan. Well, usually they were, but he was never this preoccupied. They had intensified because of their run in this morning and now he was seriously contemplating telling the eighteen year old genius his feelings.
Call him crazy, but everything was pushing him in that direction at the moment and he was seriously struggling in holding back.
'I can't call him. I can't call him, shut up.' He recited over and over in his mind, trying to force his eyes back onto the words of text before him, though he was failing miserably. All of his attention bore into that stupid phone.
"Ugh, I feel so pathetic…" Kendall found himself moaning out loud, throwing his head back to come in contact with the white of the wall behind him, the impact resulting in the sound of a soft bang. It hurt, only a little, but he'd needed that.
Really, Kendall couldn't think of the last time he'd been this conflicted over making a phone call, or rather in telling someone else about his feelings. That never happened! He was always in control, he always knew how to handle a situation, he always made the plans, he was Kendall Knight and that's what he did! But no, here he was, confidence and assertion deteriorated, scared to make one measly phonecall.
He couldn't though.
He didn't want to open his mouth if Logan was going to react badly.
'Are you out of your mind? What are you even questioning? Did you not see his face this morning?'
Somewhere from inside this voice was kicking in, and he listened to it intently.
'His face Kendall, remember his face. He looked as happy to see you as you did. And don't tell me you forgot when he admitted that he missed you? Did you not hear how softly he said that to you? How he looked away almost out of embarrassment?'
Kendall found himself smiling in memory at it. Logan had never looked so shy.
'And at the end when you looked into his eyes, don't you even deny there wasn't some type of feeling in there. That look he gave you Kendall, that desperate and pleading look, he has to like you.'
That was it.
Just visioning it again, those sad brown eyes that Kendall liked so dearly, that he saw in his dreams and imaginations, looking at him like that with so much raw emotion and apology— Kendall was leaping out of the comforters like quicksilver, the blonde snatching up the phone and dialing up Logan in a flash.
He must've been on some type of extreme adrenaline boost because the second he heard a click on the other line and Logan's answer of "hello" his heart was pounding loudly in his ears again. Kendall felt like he'd been kicked in the stomach as the realization of what he was doing was sinking in.
"Hello…?" Logan's voice came again, the brunet wondering if Kendall was really there.
"Hi," Kendall managed to choke out, his voice suddenly sounding far away.
"Hey there Kendall, freaked me out for a moment, thought I was getting a call from the dead. After all, American government does give some people heart attacks."
The small comment eased the blonde a little, a small smile gracing across his lips despite the fact that he was practically shaking in his socks. He managed a laugh though, "Uh, listen though, Logan, I- I called you for a specific reason."
"I'm all ears." The brunet replied instantly, and Kendall could imagine the boy sitting up in attention.
"Logan you… do you remember the question you asked me about why- about why I didn't like your girlfriends?"
There was a pause.
For those seconds all Kendall could hear was his heavy breathing. He wondered if he had stunned the genius with the topic he'd been trying to avoid for quite a while now. He must've.
Then Logan responded, "Yes."
Kendall swallowed.
It hurt, but he couldn't turn back now. "Well… I have an answer."
'I can't believe I'm doing this.'
The silence on the other line was deafening, the ever so patient brunet probably had paused everything what he was doing just to listen to hear what Kendall had to say. He was clutching the phone so tightly in his grasp his fingers hurt, his mind swarming with the possibilities of what he could say next. How should he place his words? How should he say them? How should he start?
Then he realized. 'No, I can't do this. Not over the phone. I have to see his face.'
"Where are you?"
Kendall wouldn't be surprised if the brunet was being ultimately confused by his random changes in topic today. He sure sounded like it, "I'm uh… in my dorm room?"
Kendall looked at the time. 8:30pm. Yeah, it wasn't too late of an hour.
"Meet me at the front of your building, where I usually drop you off. I'll be there in thirty minutes."
"What, Kendall are you out of your mind? It's dark and you just left 3 hours ago and now you're coming back? Do you know how much gas money that's going to -"
"I don't care." The blonde stated firmly. "I'll drive over there even if it takes me billions. This isn't something I can say over the phone."
Logan had no response to that.
Good, he needed to know this was serious.
"See you there at nine."
He flipped his phone shut.
Kendall arrived on PWU campus around 9pm and pulled into the first parking lot he saw. He ignored the cold autumn-turning-to-winter winds that attacked him the second he got out of his car, the blonde only wrapping his trench coat tighter around his body as he hustled out of the parking garage and down the dimly lit walkway that would lead him to where he knew Logan would be.
He jogged faster than he knew he should've, the cold air stinging his lungs upon intake, but Kendall was not going to give himself a freaking rest until he saw his precious guy friend standing before him in the flesh. And surely, when he pulled up around a corner of trees, there the shorter boy stood, their eyes locking instantly as he pulled himself to a trot.
Kendall stopped right in front of him, the blonde taking a moment to catch his breath. The whole time the other surveyed him critically, wondering just what it was that had to be said in such a manner that it could only be done when they were face to face. Needless to say, all the possibilities of what it could be, were scaring Logan and part of him just wanted to run all the way back up to his dorm. He knew better than to do that though, especially in this crucial moment.
He was about to get an answer to his question.
Finally Kendall looked up, his face was hard to see in this dark lighting, but Logan could just about make out the distinct fixtures of his lips and nose. Although, it made him really uncomfortable that he could not see exactly what emotion Kendall's eyes held. He imagined it to be a very serious gaze, based on the tone of voice the other had spoken over the phone.
"You promise not to freak out about what I'm going to tell you?"
Well… he could try. "Yeah."
Kendall straightened up, his moist palms clenched tightly at his sides.
This was it. No delaying it all anymore.
"I, myself…" Kendall took a deep breath.
He could only hope that he had chosen the right moment to say this.
"I love you, Logan."