Salt Water
Take me where the angels are close on hand
Take me where the ocean meets the sky and the land
Show me to the wisdom of the evening star
There's only one way to mend a broken heart.
Take me to the place where I feel no shame
Take me where the courage doesn't need a name
Learning how to cry is the hardest part
There's only one way to mend a broken heart.
- Beautiful Dawn, The Wailin' Jennys
She's too hot when she wakes up. Eyes closed, she kicks at the thin sheet still over her hips until it is pooled at the foot of the bed.
Still too warm, even for the Hamptons in the summer in what's sure to be the afternoon by now.
And then she realizes exactly why she feels like she's burning up.
Castle's arms are around her, hugging her close against him. Her head is nestled in the crook of his shoulder, hands curled loosely around the t-shirt he's wearing. Their legs are twisted together.
What scares Kate is that she doesn't really want to move. What she wants is to snuggle closer into his safe embrace and go back to sleep. To hide from the outside world, even if that outside world is just the one that exists right on the other side of the bedroom door. Because his hands are strong against her lower back and her neck and for the first time in days, months, years, she feels protected.
She shifts, trying to untangle them without waking him up.
He mumbles in his sleep, his fingers bending so that he catches the fabric of her shirt. "Stay," he whispers against her forehead, lips barely caressing her skin. "Don't go."
"Not leaving," she says back, just as quietly as she tugs the shirt from his grip. "You're my ride home, remember?"
That seems to still his attempt to keep her against him. Kate slides off the bed, turning to watch as he stretches out, arms diving under the pillows to pull them to his face. It's adorable and she wants to reach out, brush that stray lock of hair back off his temple.
But that would be a mistake. She'd end up back in bed with him, sleeping on the same pillow. Breathing the same salty air. And it would be a mistake. Because she needs to break down and she can't, won't, do it with him curling around her.
So she pads out of the room, closing the door behind her.
She was right. Afternoon sun pours in through the windows facing the ocean, bathing the floor in a pool of light. She's certain that if she steps into it, the light will ripple away from her toes. Still, she skirts the puddles of warmth until she can get to the doors out to the patio.
Kate sits on the beach, close enough to the water that the waves touch her toes with each curl onto land.
A boat move across the horizon, sails catching some invisible breeze to propel it away from the shore. The waves are louder, gulls circling over the sand. Cars driving on the road in front of the house are quiet. So very different from her city. Different but still normal and good and just what she needs.
Her toes dig into the wet sand, pushing it into a little pile in front of her. The water comes back, washing the sand up onto her foot. She starts over, forming a mound again just to have the waves take it away.
An endless cycle.
One that she perpetuates by returning the sand to the same vulnerable position each time. Unprotected against the strength of the ocean.
Like her. Pushing herself into situations until she's washed away. Then returning to those same dangerous places. Oblivious to the cycle.
Not any more though. The one bit of the cycle that constantly shoved her into the line of fire was gone now.
Gone.
Just like her mom is gone. And Montgomery.
And now he's gone. The bastard that took them from her is gone.
She should feel happy, relieved. Something.
Instead, all Kate feels is sad.
The water licks at her toes, sucking the sand beneath them further into the ocean.
"You running away?"
She jumps. He's next to her, lowering himself to the sand so that his thigh is pressed against hers. He's dressed, jeans and a charcoal grey shirt. She's not sure how long she's been sitting here, letting the sun burn off the emptiness left inside her. But her face is hot, certainly sunburnt, and when she looks up, the ball of light has dipped lower in the sky, the rounded bottom touching the water.
"Can't." She waves toward the ocean. "Sorta hit the end of the land here. Nowhere to run to."
"Baby, nowhere to hide," he continues, trying on a smile. It triggers a tiny one on her face as she tips her head onto his shoulder. "Are you okay?"
She tries, she really does, to hold back the sob but it escapes. It's been bubbling in her body for the past day and she's too tired to stop it now. And then he's there, pulling her against his chest so her head is tucked into his neck. "No, Castle…" she manages as she gasps around her tears. "I'm not okay."
It's awkward as he tries to shift her so her head isn't at an angle against his shoulder. Her fingers wind into his shirt, anchoring herself to him. She tangles her legs with his as she pulls herself closer to him, her forehead a hard pressure on his collarbone. And she knows she's adding salty spots of tears to the fabric but just cannot bring herself to care.
Water from the ocean nips at their ankles, soaking the hem of their jeans. His hand cradles the back of her head, twisting gently into her hair, the pads of his fingers soothing over her skull. She sucks in a breath, letting her head tilt into his touch, a low sound in the back of her throat whispering across his exposed skin.
"I'm blubbering on you," she says, lips sliding over his neck as she tries to pull from his grasp.
But he doesn't let her go, tugging her back against him. "Don't care. Let it out, Kate."
"He's dead." She pushes her toes into the water, cleaning the grit from her feet. "The guy who killed my mom. He's dead."
"How do you…?"
"Got a note. In my mailbox," she sniffles, trying to scoot further into him. She feels him tense under her so she brushes a kiss over his Adam's apple, turning the tension into a shiver. "It's over and I don't know what to do." Kate ends on a sigh, one that reveals exactly how exhausted, how confused, how utterly lost she is.
"Kate," he exhales, pulling his hand down through her hair. "What can I do? To help."
She smiles, barely, turning her head up to see him. "You're doing it. Just… be here, with me. Let me fall apart a little so I can put myself back together."
"Work today?"
Shaking her head, she looks out at the ocean, the water creeping closer to their thighs with every wave. "Called in. I've got the weekend off."
He shifts, getting to his feet while pulling her up with him. She sways forward, hitting him in the chest, her hands resting on his upper arms. "Good," he murmurs. His hands hold onto her waist, warm points in the chill of the breeze. "Plenty of time to put you back together again, Humpty Dumpty."
The joke elicits a bubbling laugh from her before she can hide her face in his chest. "I might break down like this a lot."
"Whatever you need. Even if it's just a shoulder to cry on."
The tide sweeps in, washing over their feet and ankles and calves. As it sucks back out into the vast ocean, the infinite blue and grey and green pool, and Castle pulls her even further into his protective bubble, Kate feels part of the grief slide out into the water.
Her heart is still heavy, weighed down.
But with him, it's easier to carry.