Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters; those are owned by Stephenie Meyers. No copyright infringement intended.

Chapter 8: Shutter-Bug

The actions of packing so as to see Edward brought back memories of the night before I was supposed to fly to Paris. I hated packing then, even though I thought I was going to see Edward less than 24 hours later. Shuddering, I tamped down those unpleasant thoughts and where they led me. This time it was different; there was a guarantee that in a matter of minutes I was going to see my Edward. It was that thought that I held onto, keeping me from getting emotional due to the flooding of these unwanted memories. It didn't work because moments after I had thought I had my emotions under control I was suddenly overwhelmed by a memory I did not know I had.

.::.

The overhead florescent lights zoomed by. In my drugged state they seemed like big, fat shooting stars whizzing by above my prone position. Urgency was in the air; it was thick and intoxicating with anxiety. I became acutely aware of the people running next to me, pushing my bed-on-wheels faster and faster. The word hospital lingered in my mind. Oh, that's where I was: a hospital. Attempting to swallow, I realized that in my mouth was a large uncomfortable tube. It was thick and disturbing. After my realization blackness fell all around me.

.::.

Snapping back to reality, nausea overcame me as the smell-memory of bleach and bile remained in my current awareness. Vomit fought its way up my throat, the rising stomach acid burning my esophagus. Running to the bathroom was not an option, so I hunched over and vomited onto the cold tiled floor. This was the first flashback I could ever recall having. "Fuck!" I cursed. Luckily I had some paper towels in the room for easy clean-up. Oddly enough, the smell wasn't unbearable and didn't stand out against the sterile smell of New Moon Psychiatric Facility. It dawned on me that I was now finally leaving the psychiatric hospital, only to start suffering from PTSD. Fabulous, I internally whined. A loud knock at the door startled me. Crossing the room, I opened it to find the two people I had been expecting.

"Edward," I breathed as I wrapped my arms around him tightly as I sank into his lap. He kissed my hair in return.

"Hi Bella, baby. Let's get you out of here," he said through smiles. I knew Edward would be just as happy as I was that I was finally getting out of this hell hole.

"Bella, uhm, could I talk to you for a minute?" Alice asked, hesitating at the door, clearly not her usual dancing self. I rolled my eyes. I really didn't have the time or patience to do this now. I lifted myself from the wheelchair before responding.

"Fine," I accepted before turning to Edward who had wheeled himself into my nearly empty room. "Edward, could you just put all of that loose clothing on the bed into the bag next to it?" He nodded as I left the room with Alice, only to follow her a few feet away from my door.

"B, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the lawsuit… but when was I supposed to? When was a good time?" Alice pleaded for forgiveness and understanding. I was not unreasonable, and wouldn't ultimately deny her both, but at that particular moment I wasn't feeling a strong sense of clemency.

"Oh, I don't know, Al. You're my best friend, my maid of honor; you're like a freaking sister to me. I think you could have found the time. Off the top of my head I can list yesterday when I called you, yesterday when you dropped Edward off, or maybe Monday when you all came to visit," I persuaded.

"Please Bella, don't hate me for this. I was going to tell you… it just never seemed like a good time. It's been a whirlwind and I'm not so sure I've got a grasp on all the details myself," Alice explained. If I were being honest with myself, I was mostly frustrated with the collaborative effort of my family to keep this from me. Alice was clearly not the ring-leader in this circus event and it was unfair of me to treat her as such. Besides, Alice was giving me her puppy-pout where her little lower lip popped forward just enough to offset her large, pixy-eyes which were currently filled with remorse.

"Al… I don't hate you. I'm not even mad at you. I'm just frustrated more than anything. I promise I will not hold this against you as long as you promise that you're not keeping anything else from me," I bargained. Her smile came back instantly and then faltered for a moment while she contemplated my terms.

"I do! Oh Bella!" She squealed as she jumped up and wrapped her little Alice-arms around me in a very sweet hug. "Oh!" she exclaimed, pulling away. " Well, maybe I should tell you this… your hospitalization location must have been leaked to the press because Edward and I passed some photogs at the gate on the way in…"

"What!" I gasped. "I… I don't understand."

"It's because of the lawsuit. Since it's CNN… and suicide attempts… and a Police Chief… Well, all of the factors combined have made it well-known," Alice reasoned.

"So what you're saying is that there are media-whores out there-—outside these loony-bin walls—-trying to snap pictures of me?"

"Yes."

"But why!"

"I don't know… It's become a pretty big case, some sort of law/human-interest piece. It centers on a love story and you know how people just eat that shit up." Alice attempted to make sense out of the fact that my very privately humiliating and devastating life had now become something of interest to the general public. I didn't even want my grandparents to know I was in the mental hospital, not to mention the entire-fucking-country!

"But it's my life. It's my… Edward. This is so fucked up. Those people out there are so much more fucked up than me. They should be in here!" I turned and stomped back into my room after that last rant. I hadn't wanted to take it out on Alice the frustrations I felt with this even newer piece of information.

Alice hurried behind me back into my room to collect my things. I was finally all packed a couple minutes later with my two bags sitting on Edward's lap. After this morning's breakdown, I didn't want to go see Victoria or Tanya to say goodbye. Soon I would be back for art therapy and I would go find them then so my departure from the ward was abrupt. At the moment, my focus was getting out of New Moon without being mobbed and … well, that was the end of my planning. Descending the elevator was when it finally hit me: where was I to go once I left New Moon?

"Uh, Alice?" I half-whispered as I played with the collar of Edward's shirt.

"Yea?"

"…Where are we going to go once we leave here?" I timidly asked. Although it had only been two months since I had last been at my shared apartment, I was afraid to go back, at least alone. The Elevator dinged as it reached the ground level as its doors opened to the lobby where we were to exit. Just as we stepped out, a female staff member ran towards our little group in a tizzy.

"Let's just worry about getting out of here," Alice muttered before the woman reached us.

"Isabella Swan!"

"Yes?…" I hesitated. If there were going to stop me from leaving, they had another thing coming.

"There's… a situation brewing out the front doors, perhaps we can assist you out the side one…"

Because the three of us had no other choice, we agreed to accept their help. My two bags were transferred from Edward's lap into the arms of a waiting orderly, while I replaced them as Edward held me tight. He and I were pushed—at a very quick pace—by another orderly after Alice had gotten the car and drove around to the side door. Once the car doors were open I hopped into the backseat and slid over so that Edward could also get in. One of the orderlies, very efficiently might I add, folded up Edward's wheelchair and stuffed it into the trunk while the other shoved my bags into the trunk as well. While Alice was driving away like a madwoman, Edward and I crouched like drunken celebrities in the back seat. It was so ridiculous-—probably the most ridiculous escape from a mental institution a person has ever made, and I've seen One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

On the way out, we spotted the "situation" the woman had referred to: the media swarming around the front entrance of the building. How the hell such a thing could occur-—the photographers and reporters getting through the front gate—-I had not the slightest inclination. I felt so out of the loop on everything… my habitual strong desire to watch CNN to find out what was going on surged through me once again. That is, it did until I remembered that it had gotten me into this mess I was now in. Some other news station would suffice, preferably BBC, but I didn't deign to think my little incident had made international news. Hell, I was surprised it went national or even local. My life wasn't news-—ever.

"I want a cheeseburger," I whined from the back seat once we were several blocks away.

"I could go for some fries, Al," Edward chimed in. I winked at his willingness to indulge me as I threaded my hand through his. Alice was powerless to rebel against the wishes of her crippled brother and crazy, half-starved, soon-to-be sister-in-law who also, incidentally, was her very best friend. The golden arches of McDonald's were a welcome sight. I knew my stomach probably couldn't handle the grease so soon, but at that moment the melty cheese of the burger and the salty mouth-watering smell of the fries were heaven. It was just what the doctor ordered.

Alice parked in the parking lot of the McDonald's so we could all eat before we further formulated a plan.

"So, where to?" Alice broke the silence as she crumbled her McChicken wrapper and stuffed it into the now-emptied bag. It was surprising how quickly she finished her little sandwich before Edward or I had finished our double-cheeseburgers and fries. He and I eyed one another, willing the other to be selfish with their answer. Oh, hell. Why not? I reasoned with myself.

"Our apartment," I requested with my mouth full of half-chewed fries. Edward's eyes slightly widened when I spoke.

"Bella… maybe you and Edward could stay with Jazz and me just for tonight. My parents are in Forks for the next few days so… it won't be crowded." Alice's tone was conflicted. I shifted my attention to Edward who started to fidget: something he never did.

"Edward?" I whispered. His nervous eyes flicked to my face immediately. "What do you want to do?" I again whispered. I had wanted to confer with him, to start making decisions together instead of separately. It had been so long since either of us had a choice in anything that now that we had gotten our freedom back, I wanted to make all choices together. After all, we had been lacking just that: each other. Edward swallowed nervously before he replied.

"I'm ambivalent, Bella. I… I don't know. On one hand I want us to shut ourselves away from everyone and everything in our apartment and just be together. Yet on the other hand, I think it might be best to stay at Alice's tonight. I want you to be taken care of before…"

"Before I have to take care of you?" I finished for him when his words failed. Shame overcame his devastatingly handsome and somewhat more rugged face as he nodded in agreement.

If it meant this much to him, I could forgo our own bed for one night. My needs didn't matter anymore. This new lease on life I had was for the purpose of Edward. I was working on the theory that if the suicides were the death of me without Edward, then the me that awoke only survived for Edward. If I had truly died, he would have been dead too. I wish I would have seen that then. Perhaps the second and third attempts would have never happened. It's hard, though, to have such faith when your world feels as though it's over. This continuous internal conflict of mine was hard to silence as I went through each day after seeing Edward at New Moon that first day. Turning from Edward, I addressed Alice.

"Your place, go to your place." My arms snaked themselves around Edward's torso as the rest of my body nuzzled into his side: home. Finally, I was home.

.::.

The water surrounding me was warm and relaxing. Lazy steam rose in tendrils from the bathtub as I soaked in it. What was better and more healing than the water that unwound my knots and removed the dullness from my skin was Edward's surrounding form. It had been a bit of a chore helping him into the tub, but having his naked body hold me as we soaked was well worth it. I had outright refused to take a bath alone when Alice suggested I take one to unwind in the first place. Edward wasn't really opposed to anything to do with me and him naked-—minus his odd no-sex-tonight policy—-whatever, so he agreed with little to no whining on my part.

Going to Alice and Jasper's apartment had been a good decision, I decided. It was neutral, a comfortable go-between after leaving New Moon before returning to Edward and mine's apartment. We were content to just be at their place. Alice's luxurious apartment was a far cry away from the stark and unfriendly atmosphere the aesthetics of New Moon had offered. It was a place Edward and I had come frequently before and so it really was the next best place to ours.

The serious topics had yet to be broached and I felt as though we were afforded the luxury of time with that inconvenience at the moment. After our bath, Alice made us dinner when we were joined by Jasper who had finished classes for the day. It was odd to see that life continued normally for the others when Edward and I were so damaged and stunted. Alice had made way too much food for just the four of us to eat on our own, so I thought maybe, just maybe, Emmett and Rosalie might be joining us, and hoping against hope that it would not turn out to be Dr. and Mrs. Cullen (although I knew that they were back at their home in Forks).

"Ohh! Are Emmett and Rose coming too!" I cheered when I saw the copious amounts of food. Everyone around the table started to shoot concerned and secretive glances at one another before Alice, the one who usually tells people bad news, addressed my question.

"Uhm, no Bella. This food… is for you? We thought you might be really hungry because you look-—" Alice was cut off by Edward's elbow making contact with her arm. Alice made a strangled gasp as she semi-playfully slapped his arm back. Clearly, his interruption had upset her.

"Bella, baby, you know you need to eat," he said a little too loudly and formally for such a simple dinner gathering.

"Oh. OK?" What else was I supposed to say? I knew what they were getting at: how awfully thin I looked. I had gotten a good look at myself in the guest bathroom mirror as I dressed after my bath. My skin was pale, but worse than pale. It was like that pale-gray color of corpse skin and my backside was covered with bruises, presumably from falling out of my bed so often in the middle of the night. My hair had become limp with lack of nutrients. I tried to smile into the mirror to offset my queer reflection, but it just made me look like a creepy dead body, all made up slightly smiling into its casket. Well, OK, maybe I'm exaggerating a little because I looked worse at New Moon than I did in that bathroom mirror… The cheeseburger from earlier had helped a bit.

An uncomfortable silence settled around the table for a moment or two while three pairs of eyes watched to see what I would do. Their hovering annoyed me so I decided to ignore them and tuck-in. Other than the awkwardness, I felt excitement as my mouth watered in anticipation due to the aromas wafting from the food. Garlic mashed potatoes, chicken alfredo, steamed asparagus, and fresh-from-the-oven rolls were piled on my plate.

Once the other three realized that Alice's comment wasn't going to cause a shit-storm from me, they too started to serve themselves food. Although much ado was made about my need to eat more and to start behaving healthier, Alice served each of us with a glass of white wine in celebration. Soon, the four of us were laughing and enjoying conversation and each other as if Edward wasn't sitting in a wheelchair at the table and I hadn't just arrived from a mental institution. The simple love-filled meal gave me hope for the future.

Our little bubble of contentment only lasted until six-thirty in the evening when my cell phone started to ring-—an admittedly foreign sound to my ears.

"Shit!" I cursed when I remembered about Charlie. I opted to silence the call, but not ignore it completely. He'd know if I ignored him which would ultimately have made matters worse. Edward answered my swear with a mere raise of one eyebrow in questioning, to which I muttered: Charlie.

"Shit is right! Now he's going to—-" Alice was cut off by her own cell ringing. "…call me. Which, he is!" She exclaimed while pointing to her phone. Before I could tell her not to answer, she did. "Hello?...Yes, I did. She's sleeping… Yes Chief Sw—-Charlie, I fed her… well, maybe we'll all get together tomorrow but right now—-…She's been through enough for one day. It's what she wanted…No, I didn't tell her: she already knew…you should have been the one to tell her…OK. We'll call tomorrow. Don't worry, she's in good care… Yes, I promise…OK, bye," Alice said into the phone before hanging up.

Although the three of us not on the phone only heard a one-sided conversation, we all knew exactly what was being said. It didn't take much for me to imagine the tone, amount of frustrated huffs, and choice of words my father had been using on the phone with Alice. What had been surprising was the brevity of the conversation and how Charlie had seemingly dropped the subject with little assurance from Alice. In these past few months, Charlie must have really developed a strong trust and appreciation for Alice because his reaction was not at all what I had been expecting. Admittedly I expected some sort of breaking-down-the-door behavior while I locked myself somewhere refusing to see him. Apparently all I had to do was have Alice do my bidding and all was well and good. When she had finished her conversation with Charlie, Alice turned to look at me, finally broaching the topics of things that we needed to discuss…the things I'd have rather ignored.

"Bella that reminds me… we need to figure some shit out, OK?" Her tone was soft, yet firm.

"Oh?" I feigned innocence which was ridiculous, but I couldn't help it.

"Yes. Like, what are you planning on doing now? Are you going to continue to see Dr. Soigner? What about culinary school? You only have a few classes left; are you going to finish those up? Oh! Renee is flying in tomorrow, are you planning on seeing her too? Where is she going to stay? Where are you going to stay? Can you drive yet?-—." This was the point I had enough of her incessant questioning and interrupted her.

"Fuck! Al, I don't know. Hell no. Yes I want to finish. Fuck Renée, Charlie, Carlisle, and Esme. My apartment. And I sure-as-shit am going to try!" I responded in the order of her questions. Although I felt confident in my thorough answers, Alice's face and subsequently Edward and Jasper's too looked confused. Sighing, I repeated myself. "I don't know what I'm planning. I am not ever going to see that sleaze Dr. Laurent again for therapy. I've chosen to continue with art therapy, though," I tacked on. "I do actually want to finish culinary school… and like I just said: fuck Renée, Charlie, Carlisle and Esme. I do not wish to talk to them as of this moment so I do not care where Renée stays as long as it's not with me. As far as driving, I sure-as-shit am going to try… any other questions?" Edward was the only one to find me at all entertaining as he was the only one trying to suppress a smile. I'm pretty sure he was in love with the new feisty me…pretty damn sure.

"Oh," Jasper replied after a moment for his tongue-tied girlfriend. "So, school sounds good, yeah?"

That was when Edward and I lost it. His body shook me with laughter as he doubled over, bringing my own laughing form with him. The position he and I were laying in on Alice's couch was not conducive to laughing, which only perpetuated our laughing at the ridiculousness of the moment. Leave it to Jasper to pick out the least controversial topic in my entire rant to comment on. Even Alice gave up a smile. Jasper was relieved to feel the release of tension the quiet had created.

"…OK. Sorry, I get it. I just asked you about a thousand and one questions. I support you Bella, but I don't know if ignoring the parents will solve anything. I mean, they've only been trying to do what they feel is right for you."

"That's the problem. I don't think that they actually know what's right for me anymore. Yeah, Ok, I'll admit: I've been roughed up these past couple months. I've gotten to my breaking point and actually shattered into about a million pieces, but I think I've been doing a good job picking myself up these past couple days… right?" Suddenly I wasn't too sure how it looked from the outside. On the inside I felt better, mostly. I definitely didn't have the desire to die anymore. All I wanted was to be better for Edward. I hoped that they could see my will to be better. Waiting for their response made me even more nervous.

"I can see a fucktastically huge difference from the girl that was escorted in by a nurse to see me, and the Bella that sits on my lap now." I love it when Edward peppers his speech with curses… it's so fucking hot. It's rarer to hear it now than it was in high school, but from time to time it reappears.

"Thank you baby," I said with a kiss to his cheek, the one with the scar. Reverently, I traced my finger along its fading edges. Edward's scars were outward, while mine remained inside.

Alice sighed before responding. "I hate to admit it Bella," she paused. Anxiety crept up once again. "But, you're right. You've been getting better and all the while our parents still fear the return of Sui-Cidey at any moment." The lone tear that welled up in my eye said my thanks when my voice, having caught in my through, couldn't.

"You're practically the old Bella. In fact, it seems as though you're older and more in control. You've never been this demanding," Jasper teased. He was right, though, usually I was a bit of a push-over. I had Tanya and Victoria to thank for my new-found ballsy attitude; it was them that I now emulated… minus the crazy ranting and whatnot. The four of us lightly chuckled, thus ending the serious conversation. Admittedly, it went better than expected.

"I like the new rug, Alice." I offered, knowing she'd squeal with excitement over the decorative scheme of her apartment. She loved adding new things to it. It really was a beautiful place. The amount of money spent on making it look fantastic was ridiculous but both Jasper and Alice's parents could afford to shell out the big bucks. Hell, Dr. and Mrs. Cullen even shelled out the big bucks for the apartment Edward and I shared, but I liked to think we kept it modest in comparison to Alice. None of us really ever lived like poor-college-students due to the beautiful living conditions we had.

"Thank you! I'm surprised you noticed! I bought it just last week," she embellished. We chit chatted for a short time about the décor.

Minutes later, Alice sent Jasper for ice-cream which we greedily ate, even though it was about 21 degrees outside, before deciding that a movie and hot cocoa was in order. Unanimously we decided on a comedy-type movie. It felt as though (in a very minuscule way) Jasper and Alice were being extra-gentle with me because when I suggested French Kiss, they vehemently refused. Apparently Parisian anything was too much for them to handle. Edward and I merely shrugged it off. It was comical in itself that we seemed to be more well-adjusted than the people in our life that hadn't spend any time recently in a hospital, mental or otherwise.

After much debate-—more on the side of Jasper and Alice trying to decide on which movies would be "OK" for Edward or me to watch-—we finally settled on The Proposal because it was seemingly harmless in comparison to movies like Zombieland, 500 Days of Summer, and Up for reasons like "Bella looked like a Zombie", "500 Days might be too much bad love", and "Up has death!" Oh no! Not that! I mentally rolled my eyes. Ridiculous, simply ridiculous. None of these comments were meant for either Edward's or my ears, but Alice didn't whisper as quietly as she thought-—she never has.

Once the movie ended, me nodding off toward the end, I felt extremely exhausted. Usually Edward carried me to bed when I fell asleep during movies. A pang of sadness hit me as I realized he will never be able to do that again. Instead, I sat on his lap as Jasper pushed us to the guest room. He helped me get Edward onto the bed and left us alone so I could change Edward myself. Edward's embarrassment emanated from him as I helped him into his pj pants. I enjoyed the view, though, along with the fact that physical therapy helped Edward keep up is defined physique. If I wasn't so tired, I would have encouraged sexual activity but settled for the idea of cuddling in the big white bed under the down comforter. I made him leave off the shirt and opted to turn on the fire place on along with its timer for 30 minutes. I got myself ready before hopping into the bed with Edward. It felt glorious to be in any bed other than the one I had slept on for the past month. Edward was just happy that he had me in the bed with him. We settled into the best night of sleep I had ever gotten in my entire twenty-two years of living.

.::.

A/N: Thanks for reading! I hope the update was enjoyable!

On my profile, I have links for a playlist to listen to if you like
to listen to music as you read as well as a polyvore picture
of Alice's apartment (specifically living room & guest room).

Reviews & Rec's are fantastic. ;o)

-FabulousiTyxXx-