Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters-they all belong to the genius of Stephenie Meyers... but I do play with them ;o).
Chapter 9: Returning Home
My eyes opened to the soft light of daybreak. I felt disoriented as I tried to blink away the sleepiness. For a few moments I couldn't place where I was until I eyed the stone fireplace in the middle of Alice's guest room. Before spotting it, I thought I had been lucky enough to have dreamt up the whole New Moon fiasco over the past few months, but such was not the case. Stretching, I extended my arms and legs to work out the kinks of a good night's deep sleep. Edward was snoozing steadily beside me. The surrounding air held a chill-—the kind that made you not want to get out of bed in the morning and curl up under the toasty covers.
As I became more sentient as the sleep was wearing off, I realized how alive I felt. I had awoken feeling fresh. Perhaps this had to do with the lack of nightmares, or that I spooned with Edward all night or even that I was finally out of the mentally oppressing place I had spent the last month of my life in—-whatever the reason, I greeted it with open arms. Along with this thought, and others, I had an internal debate over whether or not I should get out of bed when my stomach decided that the glorious smells wafting from the kitchen took precedent over my warmth. Once out of the confines of the insanely comfortable bed I donned the kimono robe Alice had bought me for Christmas this year, but had actually given me only several days ago and tip-toed towards the smells assaulting my nose.
Around the corner, I peeked into the kitchen and saw Jasper busily working on Belgium waffles along with what appeared to be, from my distance, a fruit salad and scrambled eggs. He and Alice were truly spoiling me. Making my presence known, I treaded less delicately into the kitchen and hopped up onto a stool at the counter.
"Mornin' darlin'" Jasper greeted without turning around.
"Whatcha got there?" I returned.
"Waffles for Edward…" Jasper teased, turning to set a plate in front of me with thick whip-creamed waffles, a side of eggs and a serving of fruit salad with a cup of coffee, followed by a glass of orange juice. "… and for you."
"Aw, thanks J! I thought I was supposed to be the chef in the group?"
"Bella, it's not hard to add water and two eggs into a premade mix," he laughed. Cutting into the waffle, I smirked in response. Naturally Jasper wasn't as good of a cook as I was by any means, so I felt content that my title role in my group—-Chef Bella—-held strong. Hmm, I contemplated my previous thought, my confidence in myself has definitely become borderline pompous. I made the mental note of keeping an eye on that.
"Very true. Where's Al?"
"Class. We didn't know when you'd wake up so I thought I'd have food waiting for when you did. Honestly though, Bells, I thought you'd sleep most of the day."
"I'm used to getting up early. They practically forced me out of bed so early for god knows how long…" I paused to gauge the reactive expression on Jasper's face. Although he held the qualities of a man, his emotional range was far superior to most men: he was incredibly sensitive to those of others'. I was also worried that I was speaking a little too freely about the mental hospital I had just been sprung from. "Is this OK to talk about? I mean, it's weird right: discussing the past couple months with such candor?"
"Why? Is it making you uncomfortable? You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, Bella," Jasper soothed. Oh, honestly! I wasn't going to breakdown! I was just fine. Everyone needed to realize that I wasn't some China Doll with "handle with care" tattooed on my face. I was so much more resilient than any of them gave me credit for… except maybe Edward. He was always on my side and for that I was grateful.
"I meant, is it OK for you? I just…. I don't know. I didn't know if it was awkward for you… to ya know, hear about the loony bin and stuff…" I stammered.
"Yeah, it's fine. That's life for ya: ups and downs and bad decisions sprinkled with heartbreak and held together by love and happiness. You can't keep all that crap in, ya know. Let it out. I hope you're going to continue to talk to someone because there are so many levels of shit that you went through. I can't even imagine grieving for Alice, let alone surviving after trying to end it all. You're tough. I know everyone might not see it yet, but it's there. Just don't drown in that darkness." Jasper's … speech was not exactly what I was expecting from him let alone at breakfast.
"Uhm… thanks J. I appreciate the sentiments." I smiled up at him genuinely. Jasper was very much the unexpected older-brother type I never knew I always wanted and I found myself loving him as such.
When I had met him my first assumption was, other than the false notion that he was Rosalie's boyfriend, that he was just a potentially dumb stoner. Minutes after conversing with him I realized that the first part—-dumb-—was entirely wrong, but I was unsure and needed further proof about the stoner part, which I later found out had a little basis in fact. Jasper's mini-pep talk during breakfast reminded me of something from those early days. In one of the very few psych classes I took while at University of Washington I had learned about multiple intelligences. If I recalled correctly, there was about eight of them give or take. Jasper certainly had the emotional intelligence one without a doubt. It may have taken me three years but I finally figured Jasper Whitlock out: he was absurdly amazing at sensing and handling other's emotions as well as keeping his own under wraps. I had always thought he was so chill because of his years of smoking pot in high school-—a habit that was squashed by little Alice once she joined our crew.
"Anytime, Bella. I'm going to go check on Edward, OK? Go ahead and eat!" Once alone in the kitchen and no longer ensconced in a conversation, I could no longer wait to start devouring the very enticing waffles. Indeed, they lived up to my heightened expectations. A few minutes later while sipping my cup of black coffee, Jasper entered the room pushing Edward in front of him.
"I woke up in the big bed alone, Bella…" Edward chastised.
"Maybe you shouldn't snore so loudly," I teased with a playful wink.
"I do not snore!"
"Oh quit pouting, Edward. I was only joking"
"I am not pouting!"
"Can it, you two! You're putting me off my waffles," Jasper interjected with a chuckle. It was nice to spend time together without pressure of trying to behave "normally" because… well, it felt normal. I had only been out of New Moon for a day, and already I felt as if I belonged in the outside world…which, of course, I did. After breakfast and bad daytime television I decided to hop in the shower. On the way to the room Edward and I were occupying, Jasper cornered me.
"Bells… Edward has physical therapy again today. He doesn't know I'm asking you this yet, but do you want to come? We can stop by your apartment afterwards if you want. I don't have class today, but Alice does. If you want to wait to go to your apartment with Alice you can. I just thought… that maybe it'd be good to just get it over with sooner rather than later."
"Yea, sure. I would love to." My response felt stiff, but I didn't know how else to agree to such a potentially emotional outing. My level of tolerance with all of this emotional gushy crap was about reached so I could feel myself attempting to keep it at bay.
"Great. I'll go tell Edward," Jasper smiled as he rushed back around the corner as I turned to continue my way to their guest room.
.::.
"J, could you give Bella and me a minute?" Edward asked as we paced—-he wheeled—-down the hall towards the PT waiting room.
"Uh, yea. I'll just let them know you're here."
Edward swallowed hard before he turned his head to speak to me. There we were, staring at each other, standing in the middle of the therapy wing of the hospital's hallway. He was so nervous, even adorably so.
"Babe, I… I don't know if can do this," he admitted as he lowered his eyes to the ground, ashamed.
"Of course you can. I'm here for you, just like when you were there for me," I replied. The look on his face told me that I had misunderstood him.
"No… I mean, if you're here. I don't want you to see me like this. I struggle so much, I'm still so weak. It'll be hard for you." His eyes still had yet to meet mine again and it frustrated me beyond belief. Did he think I enjoyed having him see me in a hospital gown in a psychiatric hospital unable to walk unsupported?
"Edward, … Edward look at me!" He did. "I'm not going anywhere," I promised as I grabbed his hand in both of mine. "We promised our intent to spend the rest of our lives together… we intend to say the vows for better or for worse, in sickness and in health and right now it's for worse and right now we're sick, but I don't care. I'm still here. I'm not quitting you again, OK?" A lone tear rolled down the planes of his cheek, glazing a path over his scar; it almost broke me. Edward tried clearing his throat, but to no avail so he merely nodded his agreement. Letting go of his hand, I pushed his wheelchair down the remainder of the hall and proceeded to spend an hour watching his beautiful face contort in ugly pain as he pushed his body hard into recovery.
.::.
Apparently the new tradition in the making was to get milkshakes after physical therapy, which was something I could most definitely get used to: chocolate milkshakes were my favorite! Edward was still in pain from the physical therapy even after his massage. I had offered to stop by our apartment some other time, but he knew how badly I wanted to see it, so he flat out refused to not go.
When Jasper parked his car in the visitor's lot was when my heart rate picked up. I could feel it reverberating through my body and that knowledge only served to make it worse. The elevator ride was torture; for unknown reasons I felt as though I was riding it to my death. I was becoming irrational and detaching from what was really occurring. Why the hell was I so afraid of my apartment? Crossing the threshold into it, my body shook in tremors.
"Bella, are you alright?" a concerned Jasper called to me from outside my impending mini-breakdown. I mumbled a yes in return.
It looked the same. Everything appeared as if I was only returning from a class. It smelled the same. I dragged my feet, which were growing heavier by the second, across the living room. It all looked as though none of the past few months had even occurred… had it? I became frantic as I searched for proof or confirmation. Jasper and Edward's calling voices were lost on me. It was like I was underwater: everything was sort of quiet except for their muffled, unclear yells at a distance. There were no suitcases packed in my room, the bed was made, the couch area where I had laid waiting to die was even cleaned up. What would prove that what I experienced was real? ...
The Bathroom! I ran in and locked the door, tore open the cabinets and felt for a taped baggie under the sink… my fingers searched, grasping too hard under the counter until, oh thank god, they hit the flimsy plastic and tape. I ripped it off and hugged it to my chest: proof that I wasn't crazier than I thought. At that moment, my pulse began to slow and Jasper's banging on the door and panicked shouts filtered into my consciousness. Gingerly, I stood and opened the door. His face was gaunt, yet flushed. Confusion also colored his face as well as concern. He stared at me blankly as if expecting some sort of explanation for Hurricane Bella. Exiting the bathroom I walked over to the living room, not daring to meet Edward's stare, and leaned my weight against a wall and sank down.
"Everything looked the same. It was like nothing happened… and it scared me," I offered while staring in a trance at the couch.
"Esme comes once a week to clean. She feels it's the least she can do," Jasper spoke after a moment of tense silence. After a brief pause, he spoke again. "Bella, what do you have there?" Looking away from the couch, I stared down at what my arms held tightly to my chest.
"Proof."
"Proof of what?" Both Jasper and Edward said in unison.
"That I wasn't going crazy." Finally returning their stare, I unfolded my arms and offered the empty baggie to the air.
"What was in there!" Jasper panicked, grabbing it from me immediately.
"Oh, no! It was empty. It was from… before," I quickly interjected before things could unravel worse than they already had. A knowing look overtook both of them as I looked back and forth between the two. Shit, I thought, I'm already fucking up this sanity thing!... deciding that I was poorly behaving as a sane person, I lifted my now-tired body off of the floor. "I'm sorry about that, I just… I felt some sort of panic attack coming on and I needed… I just needed to know that I hadn't hallucinated the past few months." I tried my best to put on a composed and regretful face. I think Jasper was placated. Edward's face was expressionless but his eyes held onto a deep sadness-—worse than earlier in the day.
"It's OK Bella. I hope I didn't hurt the situation by taking you here too soon…"
"No!" I cut off Jasper. "Not at all, it's OK. Everything's fine… just please don't tell Esme. Or Charlie or anyone like that… I'm fine, I promise." He nodded in acquiescence. Edward remained silent as before, saying nothing. Heading to the bedroom-—after letting Jasper know my intentions so as not to freak out that I was going to harm myself—I left the door open and gathered some of my clothes, the clothes that I, not Alice, would pick for myself. The act of packing—-why was I always packing—-made me grow tired, oh so tired. My big bed, the one that I missed so very much, was calling out to me.
It took mere seconds from the moment I decided that I was fed up with packing to me crawling across my shared bed with Edward into my spot. It was only over the covers, but it was soothing to be safely in my bed; like it was hugging me. My eyes flittered shut as I mused through my favorite memories of this bed. Soon I fell into a restful snooze.
.::.
The bed shifted around me—only very slightly—as I drifted into a light consciousness. A small arm snaked around my side and a tiny body snuggled up to me. The bodily-contact was divine and very comforting.
"I thought you were in class," I mumbled through groggy, sleep-tired lips.
"I was," Alice's voice tinkled, "but it's seven o'clock now. Jasper told me you all were here so I stopped by…" Her voice almost held pity; she was trying hard to keep it out.
"Jasper told you what happened, didn't he?" I whispered, fearing that the emotions that were bubbling up inside me were going to erupt at any moment if I spoke above a whisper.
"Yes, please don't be mad at him. They're out in the living room watching TV."
"I was just so afraid I had imagined it all in my head, and it scared me… I just needed proof…" I trailed off.
"I know. I would have done the same thing," she comforted while stroking my hair, always knowing the right thing to say. After a minute or so of silence, I spoke again.
"It scared me because I started to hope that I had hallucinated it all, which made me more afraid because I was starting to lose a sense of what was real and what wasn't… Alice the hope felt so good, it started to erase the pain and I couldn't go through realizing the pain was real all over again… it almost killed me the first time." My eyes filled with tears as I admitted these repressed thoughts aloud to Alice.
"It's OK, Bella… I should have warned you that Esme comes to clean. But this is normal, what you're feeling. Well, normal for your situation." The guilt I felt started to fade then as another thought spilled through my lips, the worst of them all.
"Edward… could hardly even look at me," I whispered as I choked; that was when I lost it. All of the composure I struggled to create cracked and left in me an open, gaping chasm. Out of the chasm poured tears upon tears, and shaking sobs that shook not only me and Alice, but the bed as well. She hugged me tighter, but didn't say a word. She let me cry it out, something I had desperately needed to do. It was cathartic, healing. I adored it and yet hated it. Feeling vulnerable wasn't a favorite of mine, but it felt so good to cry endlessly that at that point in time I just couldn't care.
I didn't know how long I had been crying before I started to settle, the sobs ceasing while the tears slowed. It was then that I heard the squeaking of Edward's wheelchair entering the room. He wheeled himself around the bed and right to my side of the bed. Our faces were nearly at the same level.
"I love you," was all he said. It was all he needed to say. Those three words coming from him would keep me going, no matter what. It's what I clung to for sanity, and it worked. A smile ghosted on my face as I wiped the tears away from my eyes with the back of my sleeve. I was a mess, but the way he was looking at me made me feel beautiful inside and out.
"I know, for better or for worse," I replied, smiling fully. He leaned over and kissed my forehead and whispered against it.
"We'll get through this; we've already survived the worst."
"I know. We have to, we have no choice," I returned with as much force as I could muster. We had no other option but to keep on surviving.
.::.
A/N: To my loyal fans, thank you for not giving up.
A longer apology is available on Twilighted should you choose to seek one
for my absenteeism. I promise I have and will not abandon this story.
It is a part of me, and no man shall be left behind!
To be frank, reviews are what saved this story... so thank you!
::FabulousiTyxXx::