Chapter 5: Problems with Alcohol

"Never...again...I swear it on my afterlife." groaned Ichigo. He was laying on a couch in the 13th Division Barracks, an ice pack covering his throbbing forehead.

Rukia chuckled as she went about her duties, tidying up the office and such. "You should know about Kyoraku and his drinking binges. Most everyone does."

Turning his head gingerly, he gave her a weary glare. "YOU should know that I didn't have a choice in the matter. I was, quite literally, DRAGGED there. I also recall pleading with you to stop him!"

At this, she couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, but the way you flailed as you were being dragged was so precious. I just couldn't let that moment pass me by."

Scoffing, Ichigo sat up, the ice pack falling in his lap. "Well, if I'm nothing more than amusement for you, I think I'll go keep Yuuto company. He's probably in worse shape than me, anyway." With that, he began to rise off the couch, only to take a pillow to the face.

"Mmmph! Oi, what the heck?" Feeling a tug on his attire, he was forced to sit back on the couch, only this time Rukia joined him.

"Don't go, Ichigo. I'm just teasing you." she smiled softly, snuggling up next to him. "I just haven't been able to talk to you in so long. I missed those arguments we had."

His expression softening, he wrapped his arms around her small frame and hugged her close. "Yeah, me too."

For a while, they just sat there, basking in the feel of the other's presence. Blinking, Rukia realized she'd dozed off, and sat up, rousing Ichigo from his impromptu nap as well.

"Wha? What's up?" he asked drowsily.

"I need to get back to work. Unlike you, I actually have duties to take care of." she smirked.

"Yeah, yeah. You and your work. I'll get out of your hair, then." As he rose to leave, he was surprised when she gave him a quick peck on the lips, then went over to her desk to begin her paperwork.

"See you later, hot stuff."

Blushing, Ichigo stuttered back a reply, and hastily left her office, Rukia's peals of laughter following his exit.

"Oh God...never again..." Yuuto moaned, before bowing once more to the porcelain throne, the sounds of retching reaching Ichigo's ears as he made his way into the captain's office.

"Yo, Yuuto. You okay?"

Reaching the bathroom, Ichigo knocked softly. He knew that Yuuto had drunk more than he had, but he didn't know just how much, and what the drinks were made of.

As the door opened, he had to restrain himself from screaming in horror. Yuuto...well, he looked dead. About as dead as a death god can look, anyway. His skin was a sickly palor, more white than anything. His eyes were bloodshot, and he looked absolutely haggard, the way he was gripping the door like he might collapse doing nothing to dissuade that thought.

"Do I LOOK okay to you, you cheeky bastard?" he growled. Ichigo took a step or two back, waving his hands in front of him.

"NO-er, I mean yes-er, what I meant to say was...you look fine?"

Palming his face, Yuuto let out a groan. "Now I see why you were so intent on fleeing the other day. Kyoraku knows his liquor. I didn't know he'd slipped me something special until it was down my throat. I think he called it, "Moonshine"? I'm not sure, but whatever it was...oh, shit!"

Slamming the door, Ichigo was once more prevalent to the beautiful sounds of a man retching into a toilet. Shaking his head, he turned and nearly ran into Momo.

"Oh! Hello, Kurosaki-san."

Ichigo rubbed his head. "Hello, Hinamori. I guess Yuuto isn't up for anything today, huh?"

The sound of said man vomiting once more only confirmed his suspicions. She shook her head. "No, and I think he's going to be like this for the rest of the day. If I get my hands on Kyoraku-taichou..."

Ichigo shook his head. "That man won't change for anything. Good luck trying to convince him to abandon his 'newest drinking buddy'. That'll be like getting Renji to use kido without it blowing up in his face. Utterly impossible."

Momo giggled. "Poor guy. A master in Zenjutsu, but when it comes to kido, an Academy student could do better."

Ichigo laughed. "I'll have to use that on him sometime."

In the 10th Division Barracks, Abarai Renji sneezed rather suddenly. The others looked up from their tasks, and Toshirou gave him an eye.

"Abarai, don't be pretending to get sick on me. You still got some cleaning to do."

"...Hai, taichou."

He, along with Iba, Kira, Hisagi, Ikkaku, Yumichika, and Matsumoto were busy repairing and cleaning Hitsugaya's destroyed office, the latter having returned the couch to its' rightful place.

Upon all parties managing to rouse from their drunken slumber, they'd taken stock of the situation, and determined that they were royally fucked, save for a few individuals (Yuuto, Ukitake, and Kyoraku were Captains, so while they were responsible for the mess that took place (especially Kyoraku), they were not under Hitsugaya's authority. Ichigo, while capable of being ordered around, had been an unwilling participant, and had subsequently been released of punishment.)

Once Hitsugaya had torn-er, made his way to the group, he'd been rather dumbfounded upon finding all participants quite unconscious, some in rather...revealing attire. However, this was all forgotten when his eyes layed sight on his couch. He thanked Kami that it was still in one piece, and he was not opposed to having Ukitake sleeping on it. Truthfully, he'd expected it either destroyed, mangled beyond repair, or simply stained with Matsumoto sprawled atop it.

This did little to ease his ire, though, and a resounding clamor was caused when he decided to wake the sleeping masses.

"OI, GET THE FUCK UP! ALL OF YOU!"

This had some...interesting reactions all around.

Ikkaku was apparently the first to rise, for he took one look at where Yumichika's face happened to lay, and let out the single, most girlish scream Hitsugaya had ever heard in his life. This was shortly followed by Yumichika's rather girlish scream, as well.

Upon finding his 'beautifully kept face' in Ikkaku's...unmentionables, he'd had what one could call an epiphany. What he'd finally realized, no one knew, but whatever it was had him scrambling for the exit as soon as it hit him. Had Toshirou not been there, he very likely would have succeeded in his escape plan, but a clothesline to the face put paid to those thoughts.

Iba seemed to awaken, for the sound of a body hitting the floor, followed by a pained groan, seemed to indicate he'd fully awakened, rolled over, and not knowing what surface he was on, had fallen off the table he'd been so precariously perched on.

Renji, Hisagi, and Kira managed to struggle their way from the corner, untangling themselves from one another with quite a bit of cursing and wiggling. Kyoraku had lifted his straw hat, and greeted everyone with the look of a man well-rested. Hitsugaya had to fight the sudden urge to strangle the drunkard, but he suppressed it fairly easily. It wasn't worth it, anyway.

Ukitake had sat up suddenly, his bleary eyes betraying nothing short of surprise. Looking around, it seemed to take a couple of seconds for him to register where he was at, and more importantly, how he got there.

Ichigo was next, and Hitsugaya wondered why there was dried blood trailing from his nostrils. He shrugged, assuming that he'd gotten into a fight with Renji or Ikkaku, as the three often had spats between themselves that degenerated into 'playful fights'.

He corrected himself a second later, when he spied Ichigo's right hand on his lieutenant's rather voluptuous rear end, and had to fight off the urge to remove the strawberry's hand. Whether he'd just take it off gently, or he'd remove it entirely, he didn't quite know himself.

What REALLY got him hot under the collar was when he looked to what his lieutenant was lying on, or rather, WHOM.

Yuuto was just starting to awaken, his eyes blinking as the morning sun made its' presence known to his eyeballs. Reaching up to rub the sleep from them, he paused as he felt resistance. Frowning, he realized that there was a subtle amount of weight on his arm, and there was weight across his body, as well, now that he thought about it.

Allowing his eyes to adjust, he blinked as he stared into the face of a grinning Matsumoto Rangiku, her chest bare as she leaned on her elbows to stare into his eyes.

"Morning, cutie. Did you sleep well?" she purred, batting her eyelashes as she rubbed her puckered nipples against his unclothed chest.

Alarm bells rang instantly in his head, and he gave a rather unmanly squeak as he felt her rub his nether regions with one of her hands.

"You know, last night I was soooo close to getting into these pants of yours, but I suppose we can pick up where we left off."

His response was interrupted by a sudden drop in temperature. The alarm bells were now much louder, and screaming something to the effect of, "Code Red!" Looking around, he spotted the others scrambling away from him and the doorway, Ukitake's eyes wide as he stared at them. Kyoraku was laughing his head off, and Yuuto had to stamp out the urge to strangle the man. It wasn't worth it, anyway.

"Guys, it's not what it looks li-oh, dear God." Yuuto had been trying to explain the compromising situation that he'd found himself in, all the while looking for the source of the other's fear-filled eyes. Upon turning his head towards the exit, he'd spotted the LAST person he wanted to see.

Give him Hinamori.

Give him Kenpachi.

Give him Yachiru.

Give him Unohana.

Give him fucking Yamamoto, even.

NOT Hitsugaya.

He paled considerably as he put several things together. He was, from what he could feel, all but naked. He had Matsumoto, TOSHIROU'S LIEUTENANT, NAKED on top of him, AND he could see, out of the corner of his eye, the smaller captain's couch.

This, he paused at. How in the hell did they get that couch here?

Wait, this was not the time for that. He could worry about that later.

Now, he had to focus on keeping himself alive.

"Ahh, Hitsugaya-taichou! Glad you're here. Listen, if you could get your, er, lieutenant off of me, that would be most appreciated."

"Aww, but don't you want to play some more, Yuuto-kun~? We haven't even gotten to the good part, yet~!"

The temperature took another sudden plummet, and Yuuto rolled his eyes. "Fuck! This woman is going to get me killed!"

"Ara, Hitsugaya-san. It's not what it looks like. I swe-"

"Ukitake."

The man blinked as his name was used. "Yes, Toshirou-kun?"

"Get off my couch."

Blinking, the man realized that he was, indeed, on the smaller captain's couch. He quickly got off, standing next to Kyoraku while glaring at the carefree captain, something to the extent of, "This is all your fault."

Turning to the two before him, Hitsugaya's eyes landed on Yuuto. "You. Up. Now."

Despite the fact that he was a captain and of similar rank, Yuuto felt no need to question Hitsugaya's order, and carefully but quickly sprang to his feet, leaving Matsumoto on the ground pouting.

"Taichou! I was having fun with him!"

"Rangiku..."

She blinked at this. He ALWAYS used her maiden name. If he ever used her personal name, it was for one of two reasons: He was extremely serious, or he was extremely pissed.

He took a breath, and exhaled. Then he blew his stack. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY OFFICE?!"

She cringed as he roared his displeasure. He rarely got this mad, so she MUST have done something really bad this time. However, she couldn't remem-

"OH! I remember now. We ran out of sake, so we decided to go get my secret stash that I always keep in the office. For emergencies, of course!" She began. "When we got there, I used the spare key hidden under the floormat, and got the sake. But then we got tired, so we decided to party there!"

Oblivious to her captain's demeanor, she continued. "When we got bored, we decided to leave. But not before taking the couch. It's my favorite sleeping spot, after all!" She beamed, apparently proud with herself for remembering.

Having managed to make himself decent, at least, Yuuto joined the others, all the while ignoring the blatant glares from Kira, Hisagi, and Renji.

Rubbing his forehead, Toshirou made a decision. "Matsumoto Rangiku! At attention!" he commanded, his tone leaving no room for discussion. Collecting herself, she made herself decent and stood at attention.

"Hisagi Shuhei, Izuru Kira, Tetsuzaemon Iba, Abarai Renji, Madarame Ikkaku, and Ayasegawa Yumichika, at attention!" All aforementioned individuals lined up in front of Toshirou.

"You are receiving the following orders: You will remove my couch from these premises, and return it to its' rightful resting place. Following that, I will be having each and every one of you clean and repair my office WITHOUT the usage of Kido. You are not to leave my office, or do anything else UNTIL you have completed these tasks. AM I CLEAR?!"

"HAI!" came their chorused reply.

"Very well. I will overlook this...debacle, and allow you to carry out your orders. Dismissed!" With that, the lieutenants and seated officers went about the process of cleaning up and getting ready to move the couch back to the 10th Division.

Hitsugaya sighed, and walked over to Yuuto. "Look, I know she can be pushy and overbearing at times, but Matsumoto is a good person with a good heart. She's a blasted airhead most of the time, but overall, she's a smart woman. Just...don't be afraid to tell her no, okay?"

Yuuto shook his head. "Telling her no wasn't the problem. Getting her to understand that my no actually MEANT no was what seemed to be the hard part. Combine that with alcohol, and I couldn't get her to stop."

Hitsugaya groaned, palming his face. "Tell me about it. You mind if you and I trade lieutenants? Like, permanently?"

Yuuto scoffed. "Yeah, right. Like I'm going to fall for that one. You freakin' wish, Shiro-chan~."

"That's Hitsugaya-taichou, damn it!"

"Yeah, yeah. The best you're getting out of me on a regular basis is Hitsugaya-san, so deal with it."

Growling, he nodded. "I suppose that's acceptable."

Yuuto smiled. "Good! Now then, I-" he stopped. They all looked at him, and he turned green before rushing to the bathroom. They heard his stomach's violent protest of the previous night, and sighed.

Turning around, Hitsugaya watched as the lieutenants and seated officers began to haul his couch back to his compound, Matsumoto giving the men orders on how to carry it. "Fuck it. I'm going back to my office."

As he left, Ichigo stood there in silence as he let the events of last night and this morning wash over him like a tidal wave of knowledge. "We really did-"

Kyoraku nodded. "Yep."

"And we really-"

"Uh-huh."

"Did Yuuto-san and Rangiku-san-"

"Sadly, no, but we were so close."

Rounding on the flowery captain, Ichigo balked. "You what?"

Kyoraku nodded again, a faraway look in his eyes. "Oh, the possible blackmail that I could have had."

Ichigo blinked. "Fuck this. I'm following Toshirou." With that, he did an about-face and left.

Ukitake shook his head. "My friend, you really know your way with people."

Kyoraku grinned. "I know, right?"

Ukitake sighed. "You need some serious help, my friend."

Kyoraku's grin only widened. "I sure do."

As Yuuto continued to retch, Ukitake palmed his face. "Why do I hang out with you, again?"

Shunsui slapped the other man's back. "Cause you love me, and you know it!"

Ukitake groaned.

Splashing cold water in his face, he heard the door to his office open and close. Assuming Ichigo left, he took a towel and wiped his face. He felt a little better, but he wasn't running any marathons today. Slapping his cheeks, he tried to bring a little color back into his face. It somewhat succeeded, and he sighed.

"I swear to Kami, never again. I've learned my lesson, and I'm never going drinking with that flowery bastard again."

Opening the door, he was greeted to the sight of Matsumoto Rangiku chatting away with his lieutenant, who was busy doing her best to listen to the bubbly woman.

"So taichou got REALLY mad, and he yelled at me! I haven't seen him that mad in a while. It must be because he didn't get breakfast this morning." she was saying, apparently having already forgotten that it was the fact that his office was ransacked by nearly a dozen drunken individuals the previous night.

She stopped talking as she noticed Yuuto's presence in the room. "Yuuto-kun! Oh my, you look terrible!"

Scoffing, he walked over to his desk, and collapsed in the chair, his hands reaching for a pen and paper. "Thanks for noticing."

Shaking her finger, she walked over and rounded his desk, not noticing how Momo stiffened as she saw Rangiku press her bosom against her captain's face.

"Come on, Yuuto-kun. Where'd all that happy-go-lucky energy that you had last night go to? You were such a good drinking partner, and few people can make me laugh like you can. I know! Let's go out and get wasted tonight, too!"

Sighing, he shook his head. "As for your question, my 'happy-go-lucky energy' probably got flushed down the toilet, along with everything I ate and drank last night." He made a distasteful face at the memory. "Secondly, I'm a comedian at heart, so I'm only too happy to make people laugh. Thirdly, I am still recuperating from last night's...excursion. I don't think I can go with you tonight."

Momo had bristled as she heard Rangiku offer to take him out again, but relaxed as her captain declined. "Wait, why am I so against this? Rangiku-san and I are friends, so I shouldn't be opposed to her having a good time. Then why...why do I feel angry when she gets so close to Yuuto-san?"

Shaking her head, she looked over to see Rangiku practically shoving Yuuto's head into her breasts, his face sporting a slightly pinkish hue as she pleaded with him to go drinking with her again.

"Come on! It won't be as fun without you! Besides, I never got to finish what I started last night, either!"

THAT got Momo's attention. "Um, excuse me." Both heads turned to regard her. "Um, what do you mean by that, Rangiku-san?"

Rangiku took a second to think it over, then smiled as she answered. "Last night, I nearly got into Yuuto-kun's pants! I was soooo close, too!"

Momo's eyes widened, and she dropped the tray she'd been carrying. "Y-you...and Yuuto-san...what?"

Yuuto had been in the process of drinking a glass of water that Momo had brought him, but promptly spit it out at Rangiku's answer, choking violently as he tried to breathe.

"What the hell?!" he gasped, finally regaining some composure. "When in the hell did THIS take place?!"

Rangiku pouted. "Oh, don't tell me you don't remember this morning?"

Momo's eyes began to water slightly. "This morning?"

Yuuto's eyes widened. "I remember! Why the hell were you on top of me?!"

Rangiku smiled. "Cause I wanted to! You're a comfy mattress, by the way!"

Yuuto was about to reply, when he heard footsteps. Both of them turned to see the door to his office slam shut, and footsteps pound away from it.

Palming his face tiredly, he sighed. "What did I do to deserve this?"

Rangiku blinked. "Hmm, I wonder what got her so upset?"

Yuuto gave her a dry look. "Really? Could it have possibly been the fact that you nearly jumped me last night? That's not exactly the type of conversation you have in public."

Rangiku shook her head, her grin plastered to her face. "Nonsense! Momo-chan just has a crush on you, that's all!"

Once again, Yuuto had been attempting (key word: attempting) to drink his water, but was once again forced to turn it into a projectile.

"You've got some sense of humor, Rangiku. As far as I'm concerned, she still hates me for taking her captain's spot. I just thank my lucky stars that she hasn't murdered me in my sleep."

Rangiku swatted his shoulder. "Don't say such a thing! She likes you, I can tell. She wouldn't react that way if she didn't."

"Like I said, talking about sex is not something generally done in front of others."

"Pshh, I do it all the time."

"That's what has me worry."

Rangiku's eyes sparkled. "You worry about me? Oh, that is so sweet!"

Groaning, Yuuto slammed his head on the desk.

Chapter 5: Complete! If you haven't been able to tell by now, this story will be heavily laced with humor, both good, bad, and...well, let's just call it "good-intentioned", and leave it at that. Comment, rate, and review, or I'll unleash demonic ants into your beds. Am I kidding?...Who knows?

-Sgt. Assassin