Disclaimer: The characters of Glee do not belong to me, I am merely borrowing them for my own entertainment.
AN: So, definite spoiler's for season 4 (so stop reading now if you don't want the events of the aired episodes revealed) and some speculations on my part based on spoilers that I have seen for upcoming episodes. Plus, Klaine just has to get back together in my world even if the Glee writers don't choose to fix their horrendous mistake. Hope you all enjoy.
I had a really uneasy feeling as I climbed from the cab in front of Kurt's apartment building. It wasn't as if he had invited me and the last time I had seen him he had made it pretty clear he didn't want to talk to me. I had given up on trying to talk to him as all my attempts were either ignored or rebuffed. However, when Mr. Hummel shows up at your front door and tells you he's going to make sure you get one shot at trying to set things right with your son you don't tell him no. So, here I was in New York City, following my ex-boyfriend's father up to said ex-boyfriend's apartment.
The Lifetime movie my life had turned into had just taken one of those awkward turns that usually happened in the middle. All I could hope for was that this one would also have a happy ending like those movies usually did.
Reaching the apartment, I stood partially hidden behind Mr. Hummel as the older man knocked on the door. It was Kurt who answered the door, and my breath caught at the sight of him. Despite the dark circles under his eyes that were still present, and the fact that he had clearly lost weight, Kurt was still the most beautiful person that I had ever seen.
"Dad!" Kurt said surprised at seeing his dad standing in the hallway. "I didn't know you were coming."
"I thought we would surprise you," Burt replied.
At the use of 'we' Kurt finally looked past his dad to see me standing there. The genuine, happy surprise that had been on his face faded to the cold neutral expression I was so use to receiving these days.
"I've got nothing to say to him," Kurt said, looking back at his dad. I didn't miss the fact that he hadn't bothered using my name.
"That's fine," Burt replied, seemingly unfazed by his son's attitude. "However I have something that I want to tell the both of you so may we come in."
Part of me half-expected Kurt to refuse the request but my ex-boyfriend simply stepped aside and made a sweeping gesture with his hand. Silently, I followed Mr. Hummel inside standing awkwardly just inside the door as Kurt slid it shut.
"Hi, Mr. Hummel. Hi, Blaine," Rachel said nervously from the kitchen area of the apartment.
Mr. Hummel and I both returned the hello, as Rachel picked a glass up from the counter. "I think I'll just go to my room," she said, clearly not wanting to be a part of the conversation that was soon to take place. I couldn't blame her. Part of me wanted to follow her.
As Rachel disappeared behind the curtained off area of the apartment that served as her bedroom, Mr. Hummel turned and looked at me and Kurt.
"Why don't you two have a seat," he suggested, although the tone of his voice told me that it was a command and not a suggestion.
Kurt must have picked up on the tone too as he didn't say a word in protest. The two of us silent moved toward the worn-looking black leather couch that Kurt and Rachel had picked up somewhere in silence. Wordlessly we took up positions on either end of the couch. I glanced off to the side watching Kurt, who was as close to the arm of the couch as he could possibly get and had his gaze focused solely on his father.
Mr. Hummel didn't waste any time as he immediately began speaking. "Okay, the two of you have been miserable long enough and it's time the two of you figure out if you're going to work things out or go your separate ways."
"But he-" Kurt started to say. What it was he was going to say about me I didn't find out as Mr. Hummel held up his hand to cut him off.
"Hold up. I'm talking right now," Mr. Hummel said, leveling Kurt with a stern gaze.
Kurt sighed and sagged back against the couch.
"Now I don't know the exact details but from what I've been able to gather you," Mr. Hummel pointed at me as he said the last word, "cheated on him."
I nodded miserably, not even about to try to defend myself. There was nothing I could say in my defense.
Mr. Hummel turned to look at Kurt. "And I know you're hurt by it, and you have every right to be, but wallowing in that hurt is not good for you."
"I'm not wallowing," Kurt protested feebly.
"Yes you are! I can look at you and tell that and even if I couldn't you always sound unhappy when I talk to you on the phone. Both Finn and I are always worried when we have conversations with you because you sound like you're on the verge of tears."
"So what do you want me to do? Kiss, make-up and pretend like nothing ever happened!" Kurt practically shouted at his father. It was the first time I had ever seen him raise his voice to his Dad.
To his credit, Mr. Hummel seemed unfazed by Kurt's outburst. "No, there is no pretending something like that never happened," he said calmly. "Believe me I know. But you do have to figure out how to more past it and the two of you need to do that together," he added, his gaze now taking in the both of us.
"Kurt, you know you mean the world to me, and I'll always be on your side not matter what. You have every right to fee angry, and betrayed and whatever other emotions you're going through right now. Normally, if anybody hurt you, I wouldn't be able to give them a second chance but this is a special circumstance. I think the two of you are meant to be. I think I first began to feel that way when Blaine walked into the garage telling me that I needed to talk Kurt about sex."
Embarrassed, I looked down at the floor so I don't know what Kurt's reaction was to the mention of that incident. Knowing Kurt, he was probably a brighter shade of red than I was at that moment.
"I figured for someone to do that, to take that kind of risk, that he must think that my boy was pretty darn special."
From his corner of the couch Kurt muttered something that sounded like, 'he thinks I'm so special that he cheats on me.' If Mr. Hummel heard the words he chose to ignore them as he continued.
"So, the way I see it, if Kurt can find a way to give you a second chance, then I can too," he said, speaking those words directly to me. "Now, I brought Blaine here today because the two of you are going to talk this thing out figure out what the two of you are going to do. Do you walk away from something very special or do you put the pain aside and move on from the mistakes made? That's something the two of you need to figure out on your own, and shortly I'm going to leave you here alone to do just that. First though, I want to share something with you that I've never told anyone else about."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kurt look toward his father with interest at his last words.
"Kurt's mom and I met in highschool. I thought Kathleen was the most special person in the world at the time and she felt the same way about me. Everyone expected the two of us to get married after graduation and we did. Things were perfect at first. I bought us a nice little house and was being groomed by my father to take over the tire shop. I couldn't have been happier and then Kathleen dropped a bombshell on me - she told me I was going to be a father. Suddenly I felt like things were closing in on me. I didn't feel like I was ready to be a father yet. I was young enough that I still wanted a sense of freedom. I wanted to be able to go out with the guys at night and have some fun and I felt like having a kid to go home to at night would take that away from me. So, trying to hold onto that kind of life, I started going out after work more than the usual once a week and staying out to all hours of the night. I even hooked up with a lady I met at the bar one night and went back to her apartment. I thought it would help me hang onto my youth."
"You cheated on Mom?" Kurt asked, hurt and disbelief evident in his voice.
I shrank into my side of the couch, feeling as if I was encroaching on some family secret that I shouldn't be privy too.
"Yes, and I regretted it as soon as I had done it. At first I thought, I'd just not say anything. That if Kathleen didn't know about it, then it couldn't hurt her. But when I got home from work the next evening and saw her working on a baby afghan for you, Kurt, I knew then that I couldn't keep lying to her. I knew that she deserved to know so I confessed my transgression right then and there."
"What did she do?" Kurt asked.
"She was angry. She told me to pack some things and to get out because she never wanted to see me again. I pleaded with her for a while but when she picked up the vase that had been a wedding gift from her best friend and threw it at me, I knew the best thing I could do then was to give her space. So I packed a bag and headed for the closest motel. I gave her about a week to calm down and then asked her if we could meet and talk things through. She grudgingly agreed. I lived in that hotel room for about a month before she finally agreed to give me a second chance and even then I think she only did it at first because of you, Kurt. She wanted you to grown up in a home with both a mother and a father."
"Things were rocky for a while. Kathleen really didn't trust me at first, and I couldn't blame her. She questioned every time I was even five minutes late getting home from work. She had people keeping tabs on me when I went out with the guys. On one level it made me angry but on another, I understood it. I knew I had to win back her trust and that it wasn't going to happen quickly. We got past it though because we loved each other, and when you were born, Kurt, everything just seemed to fall into place. I realized how stupid I had been to feel like I was losing things because I gained so much more."
"Now I believe the two of you have that same kind of love that can endure anything but it's up to the two of you to figure that out. So, I'm going to take Rachel out for coffee or something and give the two of you some time alone. If you would like to sit in this apartment and ignore each other, so be it but you better both still be here when I get back. What I hope the two of you will take the time to do is to talk to one another and make a decision once and for all if you're going to work toward a future together or go your separate ways."
Without waiting for either one of us to say anything, Mr. Hummel walked over to Rachel's room. It wasn't long before Rachel was putting on a coat and following Mr. Hummel out of the apartment, apparently more than happy to give Kurt and me the time alone that Mr. Hummel wanted us to have. After the door closed behind them, silence filled the apartment.
Chancing a glance at Kurt, I found him sitting with his arms crossed in front of him. It appeared as though he was more than content to carry out the sitting in the apartment in silence option. As he had promised me though, Mr. Hummel had given me an opportunity to try to work things out with Kurt and I intended on making the most of it.
"Kurt, can we please talk about this?" I asked softly, sitting on the edge of the couch but not moving toward him. I knew for now I needed to give him some space. "Or at least listen to me while I talk if you don't have anything to say."
What I expected was for him to either ignore me, or tell me he didn't want to hear anything I had to say. Or maybe on a longshot he would agree to hear me out. What I didn't expect was for him to lean forward, elbow on knees and head buried in his hands and start sobbing. Loud, hard sobs that shook his slender frame.
I hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to do. Unsure of what Kurt wanted me to do. Finally, because I couldn't stand to see him that upset and do nothing to console him, I moved next to him on the couch. Slowly I reached out and slid an arm around his shoulders. Kurt stiffened at the gesture but as he didn't try to move away or yell at me to go away, I left my arm around his shoulders.
"I'm so sorry, Kurt," I told him, knowing that I was the cause of all his pain and grief. The reason he wasn't sleeping at night and apparently was eating right either.
Kurt didn't say anything. He just kept crying and when he eventually started to relax under my touch, I pulled him toward me. Holding him against me, I let him cry, murmuring soothing words to him and occasionally throwing in another apology. Perhaps crying would be the emotional release he needed to be open to talking about the situation.
Holding him in my arms again felt right somehow and yet it hurt to see him in this kind of emotional duress. What made it worse was knowing that I was the cause of it. I was the one who had hurt him this time, and that was something I couldn't forgive myself for. So how could I ask Kurt to forgive me?
I'm not sure how long he continued crying but eventually the sobs did lessen, though I still held him tight against me. If this was the last time that I got to hold him in my arms then I wanted to drag the moment out for as long as I could.
"And it wasn't Sebastian you were with?"
The question took me by surprise, not only because they were the first words Kurt had spoke since his father had left the apartment but also because they seemed out of place.
"What?"
"The guy you were with, it wasn't Sebastian was it?"
"No, Kurt. I already told you that. Why is that so important anyway?"
"Because . . . "
Kurt stopped and pulled away. I let him go, not because I wanted to but because I knew I didn't have a right to hold on to him.
"Because if after everything that he did last year, he still one, then how pathetic does that make me," Kurt said, turning his head so that I was looking at the back of it.
I reached out and touched my fingers to his cheek, gently turning his head so that I could look into his eyes.
"Sebastian could never hold a candle to you and after he tried to hurt you at the beginning of the year, well I can't ever forgive that. I can't forgive myself for hurting you . . ."
"But you did, Blaine," Kurt replied. "When Finn used the word 'faggy' in our bedroom at the old house, I thought nothing could ever hurt as much as that did. I was wrong. Hearing you confess that you were with someone else - I can't put into words how much that hurt."
"I know. Of all the stupid things I've done over the years that was the stupidest by far but I was alone, lonely, and thought I was losing you. I was looking for something to restore the emptiness that your leaving caused and I thought hooking up with Eli-"
"So, Eli is his name?" Kurt interrupted, pulling away from the slight contact my fingers had still been making on his cheek.
I sighed. I hadn't wanted to include a name in my discussion with Kurt about what I had done because doing that made it seem more real and I didn't want it to be real.
"Yes. His name is Eli. Eli Crenshaw."
"And just how did you and Eli meet?"
He asked it with the same tone of voice he had used when asking about Sebastian in the Lima Bean. I hadn't known what that tone meant then but I did now. It meant that Kurt was jealous of this person whom he had a name for but no face. For all I knew, in Kurt's mind Eli was another Sebastian look alike.
But the jealousy gave me hope because if Kurt was jealous than it meant he still cared.
Full disclosure, I told myself. That was the only hope I had of getting Kurt back. If he felt that I was still holding back things from him then there was no chance of rebuilding the trust that I had broken.
"I friended him on Facebook. That afternoon we hooked up was the first time-"
Kurt's bitter laugh caused me to break off from my explanation.
"I thought you told Sam last year that you weren't for sale and yet here you are hooking up with someone you met on Facebook."
Kurt stood got to his feet and walked away. "You know Sam worked in that club to help his family make ends meet," Kurt said, coming to a stop right before the wall. He turned and faced me. "What's your excuse, Blaine? What reason do you have for giving your body away to some perfect stranger like you're a worthless excuse for a human being?"
Kurt's words hurt but I could still see the truth in them. I had given my body to some stranger for purely the physical contact of another human being. I hadn't wanted to admit it to anyone, not even myself but I knew why I had done it.
"Because at that moment, I felt like a worthless excuse for a human being. I felt more alone than I had ever felt in my entire life, even when those other guys were beating the crap out of me at the Sadie Hawkins dance because at least then I had someone going through the same thing as I was going through. I felt like I was losing the one connection that meant anything to me and I was desperate to find some kind of connection."
Some of Kurt's anger melted away to pity at that moment and I looked away. I didn't want his pity. I wanted his empathy and his love.
"The only thing it got me was a deeper sense of emptiness and the knowledge that I had betrayed the only person I have ever truly loved."
A silence hung in the air. It went on long enough that I finally looked back in Kurt's direction to find he wasn't there anymore. Glancing around, I found that Kurt had sank to the floor, back against the wall and arms wrapped around his knees.
"Why didn't you tell me how you were feeling?" he asked, when our gazes met.
"Because you were so excited about what was going on here that I didn't want to bring you down. Everything I was afraid of happening back before graduation was and I didn't know how to stop it."
"And you couldn't just tell me that. You couldn't talk to me. What kind of precedent were you trying to set - that every time there is a difficult conversation you're going to go hook up with some random guy on Facebook to avoid dealing with the real issue."
Again, Kurt's words, though a bit on the harsh side, rang true.
"I was an idiot," I told him, because there is nothing else for me to say. No possible excuse to try to explain my actions. No way to possibly make what I did right.
"Well, I can't argue that," Kurt replied.
Another silence fell over the apartment building. Outside a car horn honked loudly as people went about their lives in the city beyond these walls. The city that had always been a part of the dreams that Kurt and I had talked about.
There was one question I hadn't asked. One question that I needed to know the answer too.
"Kurt, do you still love me?"
There it was. I had asked it. My whole world revolved around that one question and how Kurt chose to answer it. He didn't answer it right away. Every second that passed more doubt crept in.
Getting to his feet, Kurt walked back over to the couch. He sat down beside me.
"I still love you, Blaine. That's why this hurts so much. But I don't trust you."
I nodded. I couldn't blame him for the lack of trust. As his father had confessed earlier, I knew that was my fault.
Slowly, I reached out my fingertips seeking the soft skin of Kurt's cheek again. This time I felt him lean ever so slightly into the touch.
"Can't you find it in your heart to give me a chance to win that trust back?" I asked softly, my eyes searching his.
His eyes told me what I needed to know. I could see that he wanted to but there was also the fear hidden there within the glaz depths. Knowing that this would be the only chance I'd have to do it, I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his. Though reluctant at first, I gradually felt Kurt return the kiss. When we broke away shortly after, I could see tears in his eyes again.
"Please?" I whispered softly, feeling as if my whole world was dependent on the answer to that one word.
And then once again Kurt was in my arms, of his own doing this time. Holding him as he cried, the tears not coming in heart-wrenching sobs this time but still as painful for me to hear, I waited for an answer. An answer that never came, because as the tears ended, I felt Kurt get heavier in my arms, and realized that he had fallen asleep. The emotional strain of this conversation coupled with the obvious lack of sleep, has proven too much for him.
Careful not to wake him, I maneuver us both into a lying position on the couch, Kurt wedged protectively against me and the back of the couch. With his head pillowed on my chest, I watch him sleep, listening to the slow, even rhythm of his breaths. And when Mr. Hummel and Rachel arrived back forty-five minutes later, that's exactly how they found us.
I can read the silent question in both of their eyes as they enter. Both of them want to know if we're back together but it's an answer I can't give them because I'm not sure of it myself. I'd like to think that the fact that Kurt allowed himself to fall asleep in my arms says he's willing to give me a second chance but until I have a verbal confirmation I'm hesitant to believe it.
So, I silently mouth 'I don't know to them' as Kurt continues to sleep. Rachel moves sadly to the kitchen saying that she's going to start dinner. Mr. Hummel walks toward the couch. Feeling nervous at his approach, the older man simply gives my shoulder a squeeze and then leans down and kisses Kurt on the forehead. It's the tenderest I've ever seen Burt Hummel, and as he moves to the kitchen saying he's going to help Rachel, I know he has the same hopes as I do.
I listen to the soft voices from the kitchen for the next thirty minutes as Kurt continues to sleep. Upon the first sense of stirring from Kurt, I look down. Kurt blinks his eyes a few times, and looks around sleepily as he tries to get his bearings.
"How long was I sleeping?" he finally asks, looking up at me.
"Over an hour."
"An hour! My Dad will-" he starts to say, slightly panicked as he starts to move from his position.
"He's already back. He's in the kitchen with Rachel cooking dinner."
"That is such a bad combination," Kurt mutters, as we both sit up on the couch.
"Kurt, can I have an answer?" I ask softly, hoping that he remembers the question I had asked.
Kurt looks into my eyes. "One more chance," he says softly. "But if you ever break my heart again, Blaine Anderson . . ."
He doesn't finish the threat but he doesn't have to. I know there will be no third chance nor do I plan on needing one. The most precious thing to me is sitting next to me, and I never want to be the cause of his suffering again.
"One more chance is all I need," I assure him, leaning in to kiss him again, no hesitancy on my part this time.
The sound of a throat being cleared causes us to break apart. Looking up, I find Mr. Hummel standing before us, with a small smile on his lips.
"If you two would care to join us, dinner is ready," Mr. Hummel tells us.
"Well there is no smoke so that's a good sign," Kurt quips, getting to his feet.
"We kept it simple - lasagna. One dish I know I can make."
"One of the few Rachel can make, too," Kurt replies.
"I heard that!" Rachel calls from the kitchen.
Kurt smiles. It's the first true smile I had seen from him in a long time. "I need to go freshen up," he says, his hand going self-consciously to his hair which is tousled from sleep.
His path to the bathroom takes him past his father, who places a hand on Kurt's shoulder as he passes.
"You are your mother's son, "I hear Mr. Hummel tell Kurt softly.
Kurt nods and continues on his way, leaving me standing face to face with Mr. Hummel.
"One second chance, that's all you get," Burt tells me, gazing at me sternly. "Don't break his heart again."
"I won't," I promise, looking Burt Hummel in the eye as I say the words.
Mr. Hummel simply nods in confirmation before turning to head to where Rachel is waiting for us to join her for dinner. I follow, and soon Kurt, looking much more put together than he had when waking up in my arms, joins us.
It feels good knowing that this will be the first of many more meals I will share with Kurt in this apartment. And I'm grateful for the man who made it possible.