Limericks of
Sundry Lord of the Rings Characters

Here as promised is the second set of LotR limericks, most of them fulfilling specific requests for you good, but demanding, people.

First of all utfrog98 requested "Now bring on the X rated versions."

I'm sorry, but this is a family show, although I'll see if I can blaspheme and pop in a little violence every so often. No sex though – I'm British!

Sarahsweeties said "hows about a Faramir? and Eowyn? oh oh oh! The OLD GUY who shot the first arrow at Helms Deep! hehe am I evil?

Yes, yes you are. But here goes:
and although you don't deserve it, here are two for the old guy. . .

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Venerable Hero of Helm's Deep
Said the old bloke who shot the first arrow
"I couldn't see, as the slots were too narrow.
But 'cause I shot the orc
Too early, there's talk
That I should've been left at Dunharrow!

Said the old bloke "it's a foul accusation!
It was just a one-off aberration.
My nerves hadn't flipped,
My fingers just slipped,
Hence my premature ejaculation!

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You'll have to share the next two with Lariren-Shadow who requested "How about one for Éowyn or Faramir?"

Éowyn of Rohan
Éowyn said, "he can't make me a queen
But Faramir's reasonably clean.
So I'll settle for less
and just be a princess
He's not sexy, but terribly keen."

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Lord Faramir – Son of Denethor
Faramir said, "after losing our Mother,
Dad only had time for my brother,
But then I got a cool wife,
Was made Prince for life,
It works out - one way or another!"

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twilla wrote, "Requesting one for my favorite Elf, HALDIR!"

Okay, there's no need to shout, here you are. . .
PS – also for kenaz, who asked much more quietly :)

Haldir – Marchwarden of Lothlórien
Haldir said, "I'm not really snooty
But you can't piss about when on duty
I don't want to seem cheap
But if I die at Helm's Deep
Will the girls all think I'm a cutie?"

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Not satisfied with Haldir, Kathy wants "the three famous Lorien brothers!"

Haldir and Bros
Haldir said "as I'm your big brother
"You'd better be nice to each other!"
Rúmil said, "well all right,"
Orophin said, "I might.
"But remember, you're not our Mother!"

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slightlytookish said, "Since you're taking requests, how about Elrond and Gollum?"

Gollum – here you go. . .

Sméagol of the River Folk
Said Gollum, "you have to admit
for my age, I'm still pretty fit
But although it's quite trendy
to be skinny and bendy
at modelling clothes I'm just shit!"

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Sigh – it was meant to be ONE each, oh well you'll have to share with Kd7sov, who also wants Elrond. Here you are. . .

Elrond Half-Elven – Lord of Rivendell
Elrond got himself in a lather,
He said, "Even though I'm not your father
I've a nice line in shouting
'Isildur!' and then pouting,
Will you please chuck that Ring in the lava!"

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Inkling3 asked "...shouldn't Saruman get a chance to respond to Gandalf?"
Well, no. He's too busy with his own affairs. . .

Saruman the White
When Saruman wanted to check
On the news, he said, "hang on a sec,
I've a nifty glass ball
That shows me it all,
Who said Middle-earth's not high tech?"

"It's under a cloth on the table,
I tune in whenever I'm able,
But then again,
I can't get CNN,
But it's satellite rather than cable."

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Dreamflower wrote, "How about Fatty Bolger?"

How indeed!

Fredegar Bolger
After causing a prison food riot,
Freddie Bolger made plans on the quiet.
"Though hobbits are fat,
I'll be changing all that
By launching the Sharky-plan diet!"

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Charlie said, quite politely "could I request one for Erestor please:)"

No Charlie – that's impossible! Oh well, since you asked so nicely, this is the best I can do.

Lord Erestor, Chief Councillor to Elrond
Erestor, a Chief of Elf folk,
After seeing how little he spoke,
Said "In 'Lord of the Rings',
I just say four things!
It must be some kind of a joke!"

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Ica44 said, "I'd love to read a limerick about Éowyn, or Éomer."

We've had Éowyn – twice! So you'll have to settle for her brother. . .

HRH Éomer – King of Rohan
King Éomer was famous in fable
For being ready, willing and able
To take on all forces
With his men and their horses
And have them back, before tea, in the stable.

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Saoirse suggested, "How about...say, Shadowfax?"

To which I say, "How about Saoirse?"

Finding the most perfect rhyme
Should not take much effort or time
But a name such as Saoirse
Really cures all inertia
And the headache you get is sublime!

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Okay, enough teasing, here are two for your horsie!

Shadowfax – Lord of the Mearas
Shadowfax just shook his head,
"In spite of the fanfic you've read,
I am only a horse,
So I don't talk of course,
There's bugger all else to be said."

When Gandalf goes on a trip,
There's one thing he does seem to skip,
Before shouting 'Shadowfax', he
Could try calling a taxi,
But I'm cheap and it saves him a tip.

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Greywonderer, melilot hill, mews1945, Kikyou, Elemmire2, Dis Thrainsdotter, Effigy and Tyshi
didn't ask for anything, but no one gets off that lightly, so you can all share Denethor!

Denethor – Lord Steward of Gondor
After losing both sons in a fight
One dead, but the other not quite,
Denethor said of his loss,
I just don't give a toss,
Excuse me, do you have a light?

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You lot also get

Galadriel, Queen of Lothlórien
Galadriel told Celeborn, "don't moan,
I just want to be on my own,
So when we get into bed,
Please stay out of my head,
Leave a message when you hear the tone."

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and my personal favourite. . .

Treebeard the Ent
Treebeard said to the hobbits, "Don't worry!
You're in far too much of a hurry.
It shouldn't be hard
To destroy Isengard,
Then we'll have a few pints and a curry!"

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That's it for now, unless you can think of any more characters whose limericks you can't live without.