Okay, so, you guys get this AND the beginning of a new story this week just because I might have spent too long trying to figure out statistics and driven myself completely around the bend into some seriously sleep-starved space.

Next up: Tommy fails at everything to do with the fairer sex, Don is awesome even across the country and somehow Amita and the AD get dragged into things. Personally, I blame Matt Li for everything.

PART I

From: tmclean2682fbigov
To: lwarner6465fbigov
Subject: Conference call

So, my last case had a guy who was using an online dating site to meet women and kill them. He's an avid runner, had it listed in his hobbies section. I've sent Sinclair and Betancourt on three days A/L and Don's trying to wrap things up and be back by Monday but we need to fireblanket the hell out of this thing before Granger and Springton drop the ball.

From: lwarner6465fbigov
To: tmclean2682fbigov
Subject: Re: Conference call

We see some pretty whacked out stuff on the streets of LA but somehow, they've got nothing on what happens in this bullpen. Before I came to LA I have literally never worked somewhere that spews so much insanity. My first placement was in Boston and I worked with some of the most useless twits you'll ever meet in your life and it didn't even come close to a regular week around here.

To: lwarner6465fbigov
From: tmclean2682fbigov
Subject: Stop sulking

Are you going to help me deal with this or are you just going to whine about the fact that you're surrounded by lunatics?

I look at it this way: we end up looking like way better agents than we actually are and at least three times saner by comparison.

To: tmclean2682fbigov
From: lwarner6465fbigov
Subject: Attn: Asshat

You call that sulking? Stating a fact, McLean.

You know, I don't really want to make your life easier so you're lucky I don't want to actually deal with a puffed up peacock version of Sinclair or I would just ignore you.

Go lose at one-player solitaire and leave this to the big kids, okay?

PART II

From: tmclean2682fbigov
To: deppes3695fbigov
Subject: The cat has claws

You seriously need to get back soon because I think Granger has some creepy premonition thing going on and was right about that whole syncing thing.

Also, is there some cheat code or interaction manual for Warner? Or her evil twin? I don't know which one I'm dealing with.

From: deppes3695fbigov
To: tmclean2682fbigov
Subject: Re: The cat has claws

Nope, you're pretty much screwed. Should be done pretty soon, actually, I had one of those awesome sleep-deprived brainwaves and there's this guy here who is kind of an idiot-savant and ran with it so we're really close to being done. He'd get on really well with Granger and Springton.

Did you get Sinclair out of the office?

From: tmclean2682fbigov
To: deppes3695fbigov
Subject: Re: re: The cat has claws

Great. Maybe you can transfer him in to replace me when the women finally decide they've had enough of pretending to be anything but evil dictators and make their move to take over the Bureau? I only suggest it because I'm pretty sure I'm going to be one of the first to go.

I got him out on a couple of leave days and Betancourt too. You're going to come home and all that will be left is rubble, ruins, roaches and some kind of radioactive residue.

PART III

From: mli3224fbigov
To: meganreevesuowedu, agregoryadminfbigov, gmartingadminfbigov, tkingswatfbigov
Subject: FW: happy holidays!

*videofile*

Check out 2:46 – it kind of looks like Warner and Springton both have horns! McLean looks like he's going to wet his pants and throw up all at the same time.

Also, a little bird may have made sure a copy of today's paper got delivered to Sinclair's front door. More updates to come.

PART IV

From: dsinclair5421fbigov
To: charleseppescalsciedu
Subject: I knew it!

Charlie,

Read this morning's paper. I'm sending this from the visitor's lounge at the office and about to head to campus. They're trying to cover it up by sending me on leave but I knew we were right!

- David

From: charleseppescalsciedu
To: dsinclair5421fbigov
Subject: Re: I knew it!

The fact that we were kept in the dark does suggest a coverup but of course they couldn't blanket the media. I have a TA covering my classes, will be waiting in Larry's office.

PART V

From: amitaramanujancalsciedu
To: asprington8812fbigov, cgranger4334fbigov, lwarner6465fbigov
Subject: Someone let the dogs out

Guys, Charlie and Larry are in Larry's office talking very animatedly and I think David's on his way here.

What do I need to do?

From: lwarner6465fbigov
To: amitaramnujancalsciedu, asprington8812fbigov, cgranger4334fbigov
Subject: Re: Someone let the dogs out

Get the chemistry students to knock up some tear gas. Or better yet some kind of experimental memory wiping vapour. Lure them to the door, open it, distract them while you throw the canister in and then pretend you have to leave really quickly. Put a bookcase in front of the door. Let them marinate for a couple of hours, they won't remember their own names by then.

Problem solved.

From: cgranger4334fbigov
To: amitaramanujancalsciedu, asprington8812fbigov, lwarner6465fbigov
Subject: Would that count as a science experiment?

I like Liz's plan. It gives us time to get a coffee and clean up the mess before Don comes home. You don't think he'd be mad if we wiped Charlie and David's memories, do you?

From: asprington8812fbigov
To: amitaramanujancalsciedu, cgranger4334fbigov, lwarner6465fbigov
Subject: Re: Would that count as a science experiment?

I agree. What Don doesn't know won't hurt him and it just means when they dribble nonsense they won't understand what they're talking about either. It'll be nice for them to realise how we feel sometimes.

PART VI

From: tmclean2682fbigov
To: pwright2137fbigov
Subject: Shameless self-preservation

Sir, I regretfully inform you that your two best VC units are probably about to spontaneously combust. I have a very strong feeling that Granger, Springton and Warner are probably going to be the only ones to survive. Much like cockroaches surviving a certain kind of explosion that I won't mention over monitored services because I'm not naïve enough to believe that this is private and I won't be arrested.

I think the best course of action is to recall Eppes immediately, invite Ian Edgerton for a seminar on how to be less loudly and more stealthily insane and then upon completion send each agent involved to a separate country. Personally, I think I could work well with the Mexican police force.

Don't even ask what even or why because honestly, I haven't a clue what's going on either.