Email vs Snail Mail

by hiddenmoments

Email privileges are there to be abused. There is also a possibility that there will be abuse of the US Postal Service. Silly banter and covert plots abound as everyone realises that someone is always listening in the bullpen but that if you put something official in the subject of an email or address a letter formally they're bound to get bored and butt out. Daily Grind spin-offs.

4. In which Ana and Colby do no work, ever

So I realised the other day that I actually have trouble imagining the FBI office as serious now because Ana and Tommy are always there and they're like these imaginary harbingers of chaos. I'm almost frightened to re-watch any episodes which is terrifying because I've finished the DVDs of my new addiction. I may be dealing with this by sprinkling everything with not so thinly-veiled references. My apologies if it makes no sense to anyone who hasn't watched Community but I urge you to go and watch it immediately.

Today's episode: Ana and Colby spend their weekend watching a new television show recommended by the barista who now delivers their coffee and shamelessly exploit their coworkers (aka Don) as inspiration for all kinds of fun stuff. Set sometime post-everything I've written in this so far and also post-Billy and Don's Awesome Adventure.

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PART I

From: cgranger4334fbigov
To: asprington8812fbigov
Subject: Community service

I think my favourite part of emailing is coming up with witty subjects. Also, I woke up this morning missing college. I haven't done that ever.

From: asprington8812fbigov
To: cgranger4334fbigov
Subject: Re: Community service

It's a good one! People will just think we're talking about actual community service which is boring. We're probably the only people in the whole office who've thought of that to stop people snooping through our conversations.

I know what you mean. I woke up wishing I actually kept taking Spanish. That Dummies guide really was helpful – I don't know why everyone stopped you from buying one about making coffee. If you could make good coffee then everything would be fine when they need to send Don off on super secret stuff. Although I think we're okay now that Mike will deliver to us. That last case was a really close call.

If we were a study group, I think Don would be the Jeff of it all.

From: cgranger4334fbigov
To: asprington8812fbigov
Subject: Re: re: Community service

I dunno, those admin ladies are pretty clever. I bet they get loads of stuff under the radar through clever subject-lining.

How-to books are usually pretty helpful but after the whole SWAT incident I'm pretty sure everyone just thinks I'm going to poison them. I don't get how I suck so much at coffee – I make really good tea. Maybe I should have been English? I wish I could swap addictions.

You're probably right although Don wouldn't need to start a study group to get in anyone's pants. I'm positive he already speaks Spanish and I'm pretty sure his degree is legitimate.

From: asprington8812fbigov
To: cgranger4334fbigov
Subject: Re: re: re: Community service

That's probably just what he wants us to think! I think I still have that book on Spanish somewhere. We should test him.

PART II

From: deppes3695fbigov
To: wcooper3669fbigov
Subject: I never thought I'd say this

I'm actually pretty sure today has been weirder than the whole of the Trent Jacobs hunt.

Did you slip some contagious kind of crazy to me while we were out?

From: wcooper3669fbigov
To: deppes3695fbigov
Subject: Re: I never thought I'd say this

Let me guess: Granger and Springton?

Not that I know of but I guess it could have happened. Also, I found those socks I told you must have been in the SUV. Then I lost them again. I thought about not telling you.

From: deppes3695fbigov
To: wcooper3669fbigov
Subject: Re: re: I never thought I'd say this

You know, there are times where I wish you thought lying to me was more fun than telling the truth.

Yes, Granger and Springton. They both had a weekend, caseload's been pretty light and I'm not entirely sure but I think they might have spent the whole time together because they've had their heads down and typing furiously all morning even though we don't even have that many reports outstanding. They also call me Dan whenever the kid who delivers from Starbucks is around although I'm not sure that actually has to do with anything.

That isn't even the weirdest part. Springton came up and started talking to me in Spanish and Granger had his head in an upside down copy of Cosmopolitan magazine. It was like she was reading off a Spanish 101 basic greeting script so I answered in Spanish, because sometimes it's just better to go along with their insanity, and she looked like I kicked her in the ovaries.

From: wcooper3669fbigov
To: deppes3695fbigov
Subject: Re: re: re: I never thought I'd say this

You know, if I ever finish up in FR and have to settle in a field office I am definitely coming to LA. You guys are all mental, it's great.

PART III

From: meganreevesuowedu
To: deppes3695fbigov
Subject: Gimme the rundown

What's been happening over there? The east is so quiet now that you and Cooper aren't occupying the same state anymore.

From: deppes3695fbigov
To: meganreevesuowedu
Subject: Re: Gimme the rundown

I am seriously considering early retirement.

PART IV

From: asprington8812fbigov
To: cgranger4334fbigov
Subject: Checklist

Okay, so he speaks Spanish. Really well. I even double checked with Google translate and you were right, his answer was perfect. Do we have any leads on whether his degree is fake?

From: cgranger4334fbigov
To: asprington8812fbigov
Subject: Re: Checklist

I told you he answered right and I even proved it to you with the dictionary. If he's lying about anything he's too smart to leave any loose strings. His college is real, he's in the yearbook, his GPA was good and you can buy Stockton Rangers baseball cards with him on them off eBay.

From: apsrington8812fbigov
To: cgranger4334fbigov
Subject: Re: re: Checklist

There has to be something!

PART V

From: meganreevesuowedu
To: mli3224fbigov
Subject: Regarding early retirement

In response to a 'how's your day' email Don says he's considering early retirement. Any ideas what's happening up there?

From: mli3224fbigov
To: meganreevesuowedu
Subject: Re: Regarding early retirement

*videofile*

Granger and Springton have become obsessed with some television show, essentially. Google the protagonist of Community, guy named Jeff Winger. I think in their attempts to prove that he and Don are one and the same they may actually drive him insane.

That's even real Spanish that they've researched, if you pause it at 1:24 you can see Springton press record on the microphone in her bra and Granger doesn't need it because he speaks Spanish pretty well but Springton made him use a translation dictionary because she has some serious issues. You can see it behind that upside down copy of Cosmopolitan that he pretends to read at 1:31. They double-checked Eppes' response against internet translations as well.

From: meganreevesuowedu
To: mli3224fbigov
Subject: Re: re: Regarding early retirement

I am actually losing it over here. They might not give me my doctorate after all, surely there's a rule against giving qualifications to someone who keeps choking on their coffee at their desk and not being able to answer questions about whether they're alright.

PART VI – In which things move to text messages briefly because I don't think Starbucks employees get their own email addresses.

Mike. We have a mission for you, should you choose to accept. A&C

Did you use some government database to get my number?

We could have but you gave me your number so we didn't need to.

Oh good point. What mission?

You know Dan? We think he's pulling a Winger. Well, Ana does and Colby isn't so sure.

He looks like the type. Those sunglasses and suits and that whole FBI agent thing.

Dude, I wear sunglasses and suits. Are you saying something?

Don't mind him he's kind of touchy about Dan since our boss died in that horrific fire and all that.

I'm not saying anything about it, they really suit you! Man, I'm sorry, I know you really liked your boss. What do you need me to do?

Everyone tells secrets in coffee shops because they think that no one listens but you must hear so much awesome stuff. We just need you to keep an eye and ear on him whenever he's in there and possibly use the Starbucks spy network to help us.

Starbucks spy network? That isn't even a real thing.

We work for the FBI, Mike. We know everything.

That's right. Everything.

Fine. God, do they teach you that at Quantico? I so need to learn this stuff. I'd fall apart in an interrogation.

PART VII

From: cgranger4334fbigov
To: asprington8812fbigov
Subject: Training

If we're bringing Mike into the fold we're going to need to make sure he can stand up under pressure.

From: asprington8812fbigov
To: cgranger4334fbigov
Subject: Re: Training

You're right. You would have done some crazy training in the Army, right? We need to turn him into a fortress of secret knowledge.

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And in other news, I still have no idea what is happening here. Also, uni has almost started so again, my apologies for however long it takes me to get into the rhythm of things and write properly again. Although, all this story consists of is a bunch of insane subplots so I'm not sure it counts as proper anything.