I know I keep promising you guys updates and I know I keep making excuses so for once I'm going to be 100% honest with you all. I have the updates written in a notebook somewhere unknown in my house and I've honestly been looking and have had no luck finding it.
I know I could just re-write them but it's too triggering for me to do so. I've suffered from depression since I was in Elementary School, self harm since 8th grade so that's roughly five years, and anxiety since 6th grade so that's about seven years. I'm not saying that disables my writing whatsoever. In fact I think it enables it and improves it and inspires me to continue.
Lately it's been really bad for me. I lost my best friend that I've had since I was in kindergarten up until this past Christmas of our senior year. She didn't die, but our friendship did. I told her about all of my problems this past year and she "supported" me through them until it got too much for her. She didn't understand that these are mental disorders and that they affect how I am. I don't choose to be an "overly sensitive baby" and I sure as hell didn't choose to cut and burn myself as a way of coping. I don't enjoy any of this. I did it once just to try and now it's become an addiction. We call it that because it has the same symptoms of drug addictions and basically any non-healthy addiction out there.
Anyways, she couldn't handle my moods and behaviors associated with these disorders because she didn't understand that I couldn't help it or control it, I was barely even into my recovery process. Its funny how one little sentence, "I'm just done," could make a personal cry and hyperventilate so quickly. It was one of the worst pains I've ever felt. I felt rejected. Unwanted. Unloved. It was really hard and it obviously didn't do anything to help my recovery so I fell off and continued self harming with more determination than ever because that's how I cope. Finally when I couldn't handle coping that way and there weren't any other ways to cope for me I ended up telling my mom everything. She supported me and finally understood why I've been seeing a psychologist since August. At first she tried to make excuses for why I did it but after a group session with my psych she finally quit and just supported me.
I know none of this is a good excuse to not try and find my updates and publish them. I know. It's just a lot I've been dealing with (sometimes not dealing with) and I just really need to focus on my recovery because you know what? Recovery doesn't have a day off. I made it a little over a month into recovery, which means no self harming, up until last night when I was having insomnia and I stayed up over-thinking and remembering. It's really hard for me and there's not a day that I don't think about harming myself, but I know that I need to get better. In order to do that I'm going to have to focus on making myself happy for once and not trying to push my feelings and problems aside.
I really hope you all understand and don't hate me for this. Maybe once I'm pretty far into recovery I can continue this if that's okay. Just please don't hate me or send me hate because I honestly don't think I can handle that right now. I love all of you for reading the story and leaving me such nice comments and supporting it and myself. I'm truly and incredibly sorry for all this.
Love,
Whitney