Next chapter guys, I hope you enjoy reading it.
I did not get much sleep last night, tossing and turning so much that in the end around 4 am I gave up and had a shower and attempted some breakfast. I still have not decided on how to tell Jonny. I know that if I try and talk to him and get him alone it won't work.
I am currently sitting in my office looking over patient files, I have no theatre today and I am actually thankful for that. My heads not in the right place and I don't want a death on the table. I must have been out of it because I was jogged from my thoughts by someone touching my shoulder. It scared the hell of me but what scared me more was that it was Jonny touching me.
"Hey you all right. "
"Yeah I'm fine, was just thinking"
"You were out of it, I was calling your name and you weren't answering"
"Sorry, what did you want?"
"A patient, he wants a senior doctor not a nurse"
"Okay give me minute". He nodded and before he left he turned back.
"Are you sure you are alright?"
"Yeah I am Jonny". He then walked out shutting the door behind him. But the thing is, I'm not alright. Far from it. Why is life so complicated? Let's see what the day will bring.
...
I'm back in the peace garden again; it's become a thinking place for me. Well today was a step forward I suppose, he showed concern. I could hear it in his voice, the longer I choose to hide this the worse it will become. But how, a letter, the pregnancy scan, all he could say he didn't receive. The only way is to tell him face to face. But I don't think I can look at him, I've never been this scared before. I should just ask him to come around my flat but no, I can't do that he won't come; probably think I will make excuses about my actions. But that's the thing, I don't want to make excuses, I want to tell the truth once and for all but will he believe the truth. Its been 6 weeks since we slept together and created a little life, will he jump for joy, or walk away. The dates match even he can't deny it but people always leave me and I don't want Jonny to do the same. I'm selfish I know but I want a Prince Charming, someone to love me unconditionally and the only person I can see in my mind is Jonny.
Oh my head is going to explode; the sonogram is burning a hole in my pocket. I keep looking at it not believing what it is clearly showing. I pull it out and just stare at it, a blob. It's amazing how a blob can grow in to a baby, another human that I have helped create. I wipe the tears away and walk back up to Darwin to repeat the same process again. My life on a loop, constantly. I arrive on the ward and notice Jonny laughing with Mo; it pains me to see him happy and care-free. I know it shouldn't he should be happy and allowed to have a future without me but I want him for myself. Just mine and no-one else's. I sigh and walk towards the nurses' station, I begin to feel light headed but I try and shrug it away.
"Has Mr James' bloods come back?" I ask. Jonny stands up but he soon becomes blurry and out of focus.
"Jac are you all right?" He still calls me Jac. I nod and the last thing I see before everything goes black is that of Jonny running towards me.
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Until next time guys...