A thousand pardons :/

There was a funny feeling in my gut when I finally awoke. I realized that for the first time in months that I was letting the crushing sadness that had been locked up with booze trickle through the cracks. Tears came flooding to my eyes as I curled into a ball and sobbed into an empty beer bottle. It was the most pathetic thing I've ever witnessed. I cried and cried until my eyes were sore and my face was slick with salty tears. I sniffed and rolled over onto my back, letting a few straggling tears roll down into my hair. There was a dull pain in my thigh where I realized that my phone was jabbing into my leg. The conversation with Carly flooded back into my head. I whipped my phone out and pressed the middle button. One text. I swallowed and shakily unlocked my phone.

Carly- U ok?

I slowly closed my eyes and put my phone down on the floor before I felt tempted to fling it violently into the wall. Was I okay? I don't know. Am I okay or am I okay okay? Neither? I stared up at the ceiling, trying to trace the cracks with my eyes but it seemed impossible. I wondered if I looked like that on the inside. Cracked and falling apart. I heard a car door slam and heavy footsteps pattering on the sidewalk. I hopped up and threw the empty bottle out the back door into some overgrown bush, bolting up to my room. I opened the window and climbed onto the roof, slamming down the window behind me.

I scaled down the steep roof, swinging a little as I dangled from the edge and landed on a pile of moth eaten blankets. I took off down the street until I reached the park where I had kicked Porky's ass. I sat down dejectedly on a swing and realized I had left my cigarettes on the kitchen table. I let out a frustrated shout and kicked a pile of dirt.

"Fuck you Carly!" I burst out savagely, "Fuck you and fuck the beauty of fucking Italy! Fuck those hot soccer players and their fucking charm! FUCK!" I ground my teeth together and sat there boiling even though I was aware of how cold it was. The injustice of it all made me even angrier as I made a crater in the dirt with my shoe. I remembered the weed in my pocket and looked over both shoulders. I opened the small bag and popped in a mouthful. It was tough and tasted like shit but I ground it down with my teeth and swallowed. I shrugged and dumped the entire bag into my mouth. I needed to get rid of it anyway.

I stuffed the bag back into my pocket and smacked my lips with a satisfied smile. I knew I'd probably get so high I wouldn't be able to move for several hours so I started walking towards the abandoned shack in the little cluster of woods nearby. I crossed the creek and slid my way down a steep hill of loose dirt and rocks. Ducking under a broken tree, I found the little shack; which was really a concrete platform with a makeshift roof consisting of dead branches and leaves. I sat down and crossed my legs, leaning against on the thick three trunks that helped hold up the roof.

"This fucking sucks," I said to no one. It felt good. "This really fucking sucks." A cold wind began to pick up as I brought my knees up under my chin to try and keep warm. My body began to tingle as the drugs began to work their way into my system. I suddenly began to regret eating the entire bag as the feeling intensified. I began to feel extremely paranoid and unsafe out here in the woods. I jumped up and looked around wildly, thinking that there were people watching me from all directions.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I bellowed, crashing through the underbrush. I had no idea where I was but I knew that I had to get away from those prying eyes. They could see past my charade, they could see that I hurt so much inside. That I felt abandoned and sick with grief that my best friend had dumped me like a disposable piece of shit. I clutched my stomach and fell to my knees, trying to look anywhere that didn't contain a pair of all-knowing eyes. I was seriously tripping out as I buried my face in the dirt and covered my ears with my hands.

When I awoke, it was dark. My nose was invaded with the sharp smell of dirt and my brain felt fried to a crisp. I sat up and looked blearily around, trying to focus on anything big enough to let me. I was too aware of how inhumanly filthy my clothes were and how bad I reeked. I stood up and stumbled around until the park finally came into view. I took the long way home, purposely stopping to study uninteresting things on the sidewalk. I stood in front of my driveway, afraid to look away from the sidewalk. I felt my stomach plunge with disappointment when my mom's car was still parked in the driveway. I sighed and pushed open the front door.

"Sam is that you?" She called from the living room.

"Yeah it's me," I replied, clearing my throat to hide the rasp. I nearly gagged on the rancid taste that I had apparently missed before.

"Where you been?"

"Places,"

"You been up to no good?"

"Ask the police," I said. She didn't reply. I heard the TV change channels a few times as I got upstairs and finally got ready to take a shower. I didn't think much as the hot water washed the dirt and grime from my body. Which is odd because you'd think that the shower is the perfect place for thinking. I figured my brain was so shriveled that I lost my ability to think all together. How nice that would be. Once I figured that my hygiene was passable, I turned off the water and sat with my forehead against the tile wall for a long time. Not thinking, just standing. I finally toweled off and pulled on some clothes without looking at them. I collapsed onto my bed and pulled my blankets over my head. Time for the disposable piece of shit to say good night.