Thanks again for the awesome feedback! I love getting everyone's reviews and comments on tumblr. It's pretty great.
What's greater is the fact you guys think this is going to get happy any time soon.
Hehe.
Anyway, read on. :)
Once he'd admitted to himself that he actually wanted Ziva to keep their baby, Tony started thinking of ways to bring her up, trying to get Ziva to talk about her in any way possible. He started with simply asking if she'd been to the doctor again since they'd been told the gender. Usually, her response was nothing but factual, so that strategy proved to be unsuccessful. A few times, he tried asking what Ziva thought she would look like or act like. Each time he tried that, however, she would shrug and say that she didn't know. Then, the subject would get changed before he could push any farther.
Tony couldn't wrap his mind around what was going on in Ziva's head. Only three months ago, she'd told him that she wasn't sure if she wanted to simply give the baby away, but somehow, he felt like her entire attitude toward their baby was changing.
She hadn't said she didn't want to keep the baby, but then, she hadn't said she did, either.
Did she suddenly feel as if she couldn't be a parent after all? Or was she rethinking the possibility of keeping the child because it was his?
The latter option seemed to be more probable, and the agony of that possibility tortured him.
No matter how hard he tried to piece together when things had really started to seem different, he couldn't figure it out. They had made up after their few little fights, and
He knew that Gibbs was curious, because he could see it in his eyes at work whenever he looked at him. Every few days, he would conversationally ask Ziva how she was doing, but that was as far as that went. Tony knew he was just staying out of it, but part of him desperately wished that he would get involved, because if anyone could influence Ziva better than himself, it was Gibbs.
He knew that the odds of that happening weren't in his favor, though. Gibbs was letting them do this one on their own.
Tony was just about to get to the point of pulling Ziva aside and asking her directly because his desperation began his uncertainty and fear when Abby bought the baby girl her first gift: a simple pink sleeper with "Mama's little girl" stitched on the front.
"I know she's going to be born when it's a little warmer, so I made sure to get a really light fabric, so she shouldn't get hot in it." Abby explained when she gave it to her. "And I know I probably should have just waited until the baby shower, but I wanted to give this one to you early. Don't worry, though, there is more where that came from."
Tony watched closely as Ziva held the pink fabric between her hands, her eyes clouding over for the briefest moment. "Uh, thank you." she said, smiling up at Abby.
But Tony could see the force it took to put that smile on her face. One of her eyes glistened like she was trying not to cry, but she blinked, and it was gone just as fast as it had appeared.
"Oh, and when are you having a baby shower? I can help plan it, if you want, but you need to do it sooner rather than later, probably." Abby gushed, and Tony could feel his stomach turning over. He tried to soothe it by taking a deep breath, but it didn't work.
"Uh..." Ziva blanked, her eyes meeting his for the first time since Abby had handed her the sleeper. His eyebrow raised almost involuntarily. "I do not know."
Tony looked down, rubbing his hand over his forehead. Part of him had hoped that Ziva had at least given a baby shower some thought, because for some reason, he had a feeling that would have given him a hell of a lot more comfort that her not thinking about it at all.
"Oh, well I can plan it!" Abby insisted, clapping her hands together and turning to walk out. "Don't worry about anything!"
As she walked away, Tony looked at Ziva, who was still staring at the clothing she held. She was running her fingers over the fabric, her eyes soft. "Little too real now?" he asked on a whim, and her eyes snapped to his.
She barely hesitated before replying. "It's been a little too real for a while, Tony. Now..." she stopped, closing her eyes and shaking her head.
"Ziva... Do you... " he started, the ever so important question on the tip of his tongue. However, as she folded up the sleeper and put it in a drawer underneath her desk, he found that he couldn't get the words past his lips. Fear of what she would answer if asked forced him to shut his mouth, and he watched her carefully for any signs that she knew what he was thinking.
When she looked back up at him, her eyes held none of their previous emotion. She didn't finish what she was going to say, and she acted as if he hadn't even spoke. His heart gave a painful tug and he had to look away, because she wasn't simply being indifferent anymore.
She was starting to shut him out.
Tony went down to Abby's lab later that day, his heart still feeling like it was in his stomach. When he walked in, she smiled.
"Hey!" She quirked. "So, I know Ziva doesn't like pink very much, but I still want your baby to wear a somewhat girly color, so how does yellow sound? I know I got the pink outfit, but I mean, I figured if I didn't get her some pink, nobody would. I mean, I am not that big of a fan of pink, but a little girl has to have some pink somewhere, but she doesn't need tons and tons of pink, because then that would be a little too much, don't you think? But yellow is still kind of girly. It could work in the absence of pink, right?"
She paused, thinking. "Purple could work, though. It's not too girly, but then technically, it is a girl color and-"
"Abby." he stopped her, sighing. "I don't know if you should be buying too much stuff for her."
"Oh, it's no problem! I've never gotten to buy baby stuff before, so I am going to have so much fun picking things out for myself and helping you guys pick stuff out, and you don't have to worry about me spending money, because it's really not that big of a-"
"No, Abby." he interrupted again, his heart sinking lower in his chest. "I mean you probably shouldn't be buying too much of anything because... because I don't even know if Ziva is going to keep her."
Abby's smile dropped, and she stared at him for a moment with a look of pure shock on her face. She opened her mouth to say something, and then closed it for another moment before finally speaking. "What?"
He closed his eyes, trying to swallow past the lump in his throat. "She... might not keep her, Abby."
Abby's eyebrows came together, and she looked as if someone had just told her that her best friend was dead. "Why not?"
He shrugged, trying to blink away the stinging sensation in the corners of his eyes. "I don't know, Abby. Maybe she doesn't feel like she can be a parent or... maybe she doesn't want to keep a child that happened because of a mistake."
She started pacing, and he put his hands in his pockets, waiting. "But... don't you have a say in this?"
He laughed a quick, bitter laugh. "I basically told her it was her choice, actually."
Abby's eyes filled with tears, and he pushed his hands deeper into his pockets. For a moment, she struggled to find words. "But... I... How can... but don't you want her?"
He felt tears gathering in his own eyes, and he snapped them shut, giving her a simple nod when he discovered he couldn't get any words past his lips. He felt Abby's arms wrap around him, and he let his own wrap around her, allowing himself to be comforted by her firm hold. "Why can't you just tell her that?"
A tear slipped down his cheek, and he held her tighter. "You make that sounds like it's easy when it isn't."
She pulled away from him, pointing at her chair. "Sit." After he'd done so, she leaned against her table. "Now, why isn't it that easy?"
He pulled his hands out of his pockets and put them in his lap, looking down at them. "Because at the very beginning of all of this, I asked her what did she want to do? From the beginning, I've left everything up to her, Abby. I don't want to go back on my word."
She raised an eyebrow, and he knew that those excuses weren't good enough for her. "What if anything I say doesn't change her mind? What if she's already so set on not keeping her that nothing I say will do any good? What if me pushing her about it makes her resent the idea of keeping the baby even more? I... I'm... I don't know how to treat this, Abby. I'm... a little... scared."
Abby sighed. "Tony, you're not telling Ziva that you want her to keep your child because of a bunch of 'what if's'?"
He shrugged, not meeting her eyes. "Yeah, I guess."
She reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, waiting until he looked at her to speak. "That isn't going to get you very far. Do you want to keep your baby?"
"Yes," he answered with no hesitation.
"Then you have to tell her." She insisted. "I know it won't be easy, and you're right, it might not help. But how do you know until you've tried? And I don't want you to regret not trying to at least talk to her about it, because what if you can change her mind?"
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I don't... she's being so... indifferent. She's shutting me out. I doubt I can even get her to listen to me."
Abby's eyes softened, and she looked as if she was about to say something else, but McGee came in. "Tony, Gibbs wants you up in MTAC."
"Okay, Probie. Be there in a minute." he said, turning back to Abby as he stood.
"I'm always here... and... just think about it, okay? Because if this is something you really want, you need to try, because if you don't?" she gave him a knowing look, and he nodded, giving her a sad smile before turning and following McGee to the elevator.
That night, laying in bed, he let Abby's words replay in his head. She was right, and he knew that, but it didn't make it any easier. It was still bringing up a subject that, though it had seemed safe enough at the beginning of this crazy ride, it was touchy now. Part of him knew he would regret it if he didn't try talking to her and she winded up giving the baby away. But the other part of him was terrified that talking to her would take whatever they had left of their messed up relationship and ruin it.
If she even listened to him.
The image of her without the baby in his dreams played through his mind, and he shuddered, trying to will the images away. Something that had started off as a dream that didn't make any sense had turned into his worst nightmare.
With sleep evading him, he got out of bed and went into his kitchen, getting out a few beers. He then walked into his living room, sitting down on the couch and turning on his TV, scrolling through channel after channel until he found something he wanted to watch. Then, he sighed, settling into his couch and taking a gulp of his beer, focusing blankly on the screen in front of him.
It was going to be a long night.