How amazing was that NCIS episode? Now, as a gift, take this chapter and the first glimmer of hope since... well, ever.
The night after she and Tony met the Slaton couple, Ziva stood in the same spot for a few minutes after Tony had left, finally letting the tears she'd been holding back spill down her cheeks. The baby was still moving around where she was, and Ziva kept her hand over the spot she was kicking, telling herself over and over that she was doing the right thing for her.
Tony, apparently, still seemed to think that this whole process was easy for her, when in all reality, it was the hardest thing she'd ever done. He had been right when he'd told her, on a night that seemed farther away than it actually was, that she wanted children. She did, but not like this. Not when she and Tony had just messed up on one night when they both needed comfort. Not when they both were in high risk jobs that put their lives in danger every single day that they left their homes. Not when they worked late nights more than once a week and, as a result, neither one of them would be there to tell her goodnight and tuck her in.
"She needs to have two parents who are going to love her and love each other and... And that... is not us."
"And you know what, Ziva? Not everybody thinks that what happened between us was a mistake that we need to try moving on from. Some people have never thought of it that way."
For some reason, those words were the ones she kept playing over in her head the next day, when she was cleaning up around the house because she didn't have anything better to do. The words they'd exchanged had been so direct and harsh. She didn't even know why they were doing this to each other, to be honest. It seemed like every single time they were in close proximity lately, things ended in an argument, and they winded up saying things that they knew would hurt each other. They kept pushing each other, making snide remarks until one or the other stormed off angry or they just gave up fighting, because neither one of them really had the energy anymore.
That was why she'd told him that they weren't the right parents for their daughter. She'd seen how much those words had hurt him the second after they'd left her lips, and the guilt hit her only a second after that, after it was too late. She hated hurting him, but yet she seemed to be doing it more often than usual.
She'd told him that their daughter needed parents to love her. Did they fit that description? She allowed herself to consider the possibility for a moment. There was a certain amount of love between them, she supposed. They'd been through a lot together over the years, and they had built a relationship from it. They were best friends, she knew, but past that?
She wasn't entirely sure.
Then, there was what Tony had said. He couldn't mean that as literally as it had sounded, could he? What had happened between them was a mistake, because it was a late night after a tough case, and that was all. They had let the circumstances get the best of them, and they'd messed up. That was all it was, right?
But what if it wasn't?
What if that night had just been inevitable? What if the circumstances had just been the push they'd needed to finally give in to what they'd skirted around? Ziva knew that their relationship had always been tricky, to say the least. The relationship that they had built over the years most definitely had not been easy. Maybe this was where it had all been headed in the first place. What if she had just been looking at it the wrong way the entire time? What if her perspective had just been a little off throughout the fallout of what they'd done?
She remembered the day after they'd slept together, when she'd avoided him because she was sure that they had just messed up in a time when they needed comfort for all the lives they'd let slip away before finally catching the person responsible for taking them. She remembered telling him to forget about it because that was what they needed to do. That was before she knew the consequences that would follow their actions. Before she knew they would wind up where they were.
Maybe she'd just been wrong the entire time.
She shook her head, trying to shake the thoughts with them. She had come too far with this to start doubting herself now. She was going to do what was best for her daughter, because she wasn't ready yet. She wasn't sure if she'd ever be ready. Plus, Tony had said himself that he couldn't do it, and if he couldn't, how could she be expected to?
She paused in the middle of dusting off one of her shelves, honestly not even sure why she was going through the trouble. Moving around certainly wasn't as easy as it had been eight months ago, and her place wasn't even very dirty. She caught sight of the picture Tony had been studying so fiercely when she'd called the adoption agency back, the one of them at their office Christmas party from over a year ago. It was still sort of funny to her, because part of her knew that Tony had only stuck so closely by her that night to keep his father from being inappropriate with her. She hadn't minded, though. That night had winded up producing one of the very few pictures she actually had with him, which was why it stayed proudly in her living room even now.
She wondered if she would wind up taking it down one day, if things between them never got better. If their relationship never repaired, would she be able to look at that picture of them every day? They were both so happy then. Things were going fairly well at Christmas of that year, and they had been closer than ever. That was only a few weeks before her father and Jackie had died, and the happiness had been taken away for a while. Somehow, they had found it again at some point, in the midst of all the murderers, terrorists, and other miscellaneous criminals. They had found their balance again within a few tough months, just like they always had.
A knock on her door pulled her out of her thoughts, and she put the towel in her hands down to go answer the door. When she opened it, she saw Abby standing there, wringing her hands together nervously.
"H-hey," she stammered, giving Ziva a small wave.
"Abby." Ziva couldn't hide her surprise, but she opened the door wider and let Abby in.
"So... Tony talked to me, and-"
"He should not have done that, Abby. I am sorry," Ziva interrupted, internally cursing Tony for not keeping everything quieter.
"Well, he needed someone to talk to. That's all. Don't get mad at him. Anyway... I just..." Abby hesitated, still twining and untwining her fingers repeatedly. "I wanted to let you know something. Even though I don't understand completely why you're doing what you're doing, and in all honesty, I really wish that you would just... you know... keep your baby... but, if this is really what you think is best, then I support your decision."
Ziva felt her heart drop to her stomach at her friend's words, and she bit the inside of her cheek. She squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head. "Abby, I-"
"I just... you know, I'll make sure I come by when you have her, so I'll get to meet her and all. Do you know... who's adopting her yet?" Abby was keeping her voice a little too upbeat.
"Abby-"
"I mean, I don't understand why you're doing this, but I could try to, I guess. I know it must not be an easy decision, because that wouldn't make sense. I mean, a parent should want to keep their child, right? It has to be tough to decide that you want to let someone else just take the child you carried inside you for nine months and-"
"Abby!" Abby stopped mid-thought at Ziva's exclamation, and she looked over at her expectantly.
Ziva tried to avoid Abby's eyes, but she didn't succeed for very long. After a moment, Abby got into her line of sight, her eyes curious. "Ziva... What is it? Talk to me."
Ziva sighed, allowing herself to look Abby in the eye. There were so many excuses or reasons she could come up with to satisfy Abby and get her to leave sooner rather than later, but if she was being honest with herself, she was extremely tired of having to do that. It was an exhausting thing to keep up in order to avoid hurting other people's feelings. So, when she spoke, she spoke honestly. "I appreciate you supporting my decision, even if you do not understand it," she said, her heart feeling heavy as she spoke, finally admitting what she had been denying for far too long. "But... honestly, I... I do not know anymore."
Abby's eyebrows came together, and her hands finally paused in their motions. "What do you mean?"
Ziva swallowed, wondering how much she should be sharing, but deciding against holding back because in all honesty, she was sick of doing so. "I feel like... this is the right decision for her. I have felt that way for a while now. She would be happy, and with two parents who could be home every night to tuck her in, and... it would be good for her. She would be just fine."
Abby sensed her hesitation, and she sat down on the couch, patting the space beside her. Ziva couldn't help but let a small smile turn up the corners of her mouth as she sat down. "But?" Abby encouraged, seeming open to anything that Ziva would say.
"But... there is a part of me that doesn't just want to give her away. She is mine, and... it is not easy to think about doing that." Ziva pursed her lips.
Abby put an arm around Ziva's shoulders. "That makes sense. You want to do what's best for her, but you don't want to let her go so easy. You're her mom, not someone else you barely know, right?"
Ziva nodded. "But she would be better off with a couple who is together and married happily. She needs two people with normal, safe jobs that can take care of her better than two dysfunctional NCIS agents."
Abby rubbed Ziva's shoulder. "When I say this, know that I'm just telling you what I think, okay?" When Ziva nodded, she continued. "I think you're wrong. I think... I think that if you and Tony were on the same page instead of a completely different one like you are right now, I think you two could do this. I think that... you are shortchanging yourself when you say you can't take care of her, because I think you can. That's just what I think. If you still think it's best to let someone else take her, then okay. That's what you think is best. But just know that I think you could do it."
"But what if we couldn't?" Ziva asked, her voice trembling slightly, though she desperately wanted to believe the words she was hearing.
"You'll never know if you don't try," Abby replied. "You still have time to think about this. Don't feel like you're already stuck in one decision."
"I know I am not," Ziva said, sighing. "Maybe I should just say that both options are still open?"
"You should," Abby said, putting her hands on Ziva's shoulders to make sure she was looking at her. "Because they are. If you have been going through this thinking any differently, then you should stop now. Because you don't make the final decision until the baby gets here, and we've still got a few weeks until then."
Ziva nodded, letting the words sink in. Somehow, in the span of five minutes, Abby had done what nobody else had been able to do: make her doubt herself. "How did you do that?"
Somehow, Abby seemed to know exactly what she was talking about. "I think that you've been thinking this for a while, because I know Tony's been trying. Maybe you just needed one more push to actually admit it."
Ziva swallowed, feeling tired. "Thank you, Abby."
Abby smiled. "No problem. Do you want me to talk to Tony?"
Ziva hesitated. She hated fighting with Tony, but telling him the details of the conversation that had just occurred probably wouldn't help matters any. "No. Do not tell him anything, please. If I still decide that giving her away is the best option... I do not want to get his hopes up, only to have them destroyed again."
"Okay," Abby said, her tone understanding. "I'll see you, okay?"
"Okay," Ziva replied, watching as Abby left. She put her hands on her stomach, where the baby was relatively still. She felt a small nudge and she smiled. "I promise you, sweetheart, whatever I decide will be what's best for you."
And she knew she would. No matter what happened, her daughter was going to be just fine. Now that she was being honest with herself, however, she just wasn't sure which of her options would succeed in accomplishing that.