less than a week and an update? Yeah, actually. Woo-hoo.
The hospital hallways were fairly clear when Tony got out of Ziva's room, fighting a physical pain in his chest and a sinking feeling in his stomach. Was this really what it came down to? All the fighting, all the hurtful words, everything they had done over the past few months, and it all made them wind up in a place that neither of them knew how to handle. Somehow, they'd found themselves in a world where neither of them really understood each other anymore. He wasn't even sure how it was possible that, within nine months, they'd gone from being practically inseparable to being so far apart that they couldn't even hear each other out when it really mattered.
"A baby changes everything" was what he'd told her a few months ago, before they'd known anything. That had been before they knew that their baby was a girl, before Ziva had started second guessing everything, before their lives had gained a level of insanity that was too much to handle, even for two federal agents who had been exposed to practically every bit of insanity known to man. At the time, he hadn't realized how true his words would wind up being.
It wasn't fair.
Tony had his head down as he made his way toward the door, so he didn't see Gibbs in time to avoid colliding with him. Luckily, the coffee Gibbs was holding was not full, so it didn't spill over, but the encounter still earned Tony a prompt glare. "Where you going, DiNozzo?" he asked, but Tony didn't answer. He just took a path around him and continued outside, ignoring when Gibbs called to him. He needed to be out of those hospital walls, needed the fresh air and the space.
Once he had safely exited the hospital, he took a deep breath. He wanted to scream, curse at everything, punch a brick wall no matter how stupid it seemed because damn it, it wasn't fair.
He glanced out at the highway at the passing cars, all containing lives that were going on just fine while his was in a downward spiral. Hell, there were people right inside the doors he'd just walked out of that were waiting for babies to be born, too. There were parents in there, going through the same process as Ziva was. But when their babies were born, and the mothers were cleared to leave, they would take their babies home with them. They would get to hold their children every day. He wouldn't have that same privilege, it seemed.
Right after he and Ziva had first fought about adoption versus keeping the baby, he'd wondered if this was just punishment for the life he'd lived. Now, he was more than convinced that life was finally telling him that he'd screwed up enough to deserve this. Karma existed, and he'd laughed at the idea more times than he could remember.
Sighing, he plopped down on a bench, waiting for Gibbs to find him. It didn't take long, and soon Gibbs was sitting beside him, not saying anything, waiting on him to speak first.
Tony tried to find words, searched and racked his brain for anything to say, a way to explain that everything he'd wanted for the past few months was ruined. That he'd gotten his hopes up time and time again only to have them crushed beyond repair. Finally, when he opened his mouth to speak, the statement that slipped past his lips was simple, but it fit the purpose better than anything else he could have said. "I lost."
Gibbs stayed silent for another moment, whether for lack of anything to say or processing information, Tony wasn't sure. Finally, though, he spoke, his voice softer than Tony expected. "You don't know that."
"No, it's done. There's literally nothing else that I can do." Tony stood, pacing, fighting the dread creeping up on him. "She just doesn't think we can do it, and if she doesn't think we can do it, then we can't."
"Because she's looking at you separately," Gibbs said, and Tony stopped, facing his boss with a look of confusion. "She's trying to see how you two could raise a baby with you as the father and her as the mother. She isn't looking at how you two could raise a baby as parents."
Tony let out the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding and sat back down. He looked over at Gibbs and asked the burning question. "Do you think we could do it?"
It hadn't been asked yet, and if there was anyone's opinion that mattered other than his and Ziva's, it was the opinion of the man seated next to him. He'd talked to Gibbs and thought aloud with Gibbs, but he'd never got around to actually asking what opinion Gibbs had on the situation.
"You and Ziva..." Gibbs shrugged a little. "Been through a hell of a lot more than a lot of people have. There's been plenty of times I wasn't sure if the two of you would ever work things out, but you did." Gibbs looked at Tony out of the corner of his eye. "Wouldn't be easy, you two are terrible at talking and you both like to argue."
Tony thought about protesting, but didn't have the energy to do so and knew that he would just be proving Gibbs right if he did. "But we could do it, because it's us," he said instead, filling in the blanks. He swallowed past the knot in his throat, playing with his thumbs as he spoke. "We always figure it out. Why doesn't she see it that way? I've tried to..." He cut himself off, shutting his eyes. "And after all this, there's no way to get us back. Because every time I look at her, I'm just going to see... I'm going to see her. We never even talked about a name, really. I don't even know what her name is going to be. How messed up is that?"
Gibbs didn't say anything, but Tony could feel the steely eyes looking at him. When he felt the weight of that heavy stare lift, he looked up to see Gibbs frowning at the highway, lost in his own thoughts. After another moment, Gibbs stood and headed back inside the hospital without another word. It was only then that Tony realized the look that had been on his face. It was the same look he was sure he'd worn himself multiple times throughout the past few months.
Determination.
Of all the things Ziva expected to see when her room door opened, Gibbs was a little bit lower on the list. Abby had just stepped out, coincidentally, so the room was vacant other than the two of them. He sat down, stayed silent for a moment, as if trying to figure out how he was going to say something. For some reason, it made Ziva a little nervous.
"Remember when we came and got you from Somalia?" The topic of conversation took Ziva by surprise, and she looked at Gibbs curiously. "You were pissed at Tony before that, and you two had a lot of things you needed to work out."
"Yes," she said carefully, her curiosity peaking.
"But you fixed it." It wasn't a question, but she nodded anyway.
"We did."
"And when I sent you two to Italy when Harper Dearing was threatening the Navy? Things got bad. But you two watched each other's backs and got each other out of there safe." He didn't give her room to speak again. "And when we needed to get Chaplain Wade out of Columbia? I sent you and DiNozzo for a reason. You got in, found her, got out. You got shot at and took risks, but you had each other's backs, and you accomplished exactly what you were sent to do."
Gibbs paused, letting his words sink in. Slowly, Ziva looked up at him. "What's your point?" she asked, even though she was already very aware of the answer.
"You two work, Ziver, no matter what the situation." He was leveling his eyes at her in a way that only Gibbs could. "No matter what you go through, no matter what you're put against, you figure it out. I just don't want you to make the mistake of letting someone adopt your daughter because you don't think you can do it. I don't want you to regret what you decide."
"You think we can do it," she said in a low tone, clarifying.
Gibbs was looking at her with the strangest expression, and she found it hard to meet his eyes. He shook his head just a little. "I know you can."
Ziva felt her lower lip tremble, and she looked away from Gibbs and his stare, trying to compose herself. "I am scared, Gibbs," she admitted with a broken voice.
He nodded once. "I know that, and there isn't anything wrong with that, but if every parent who was scared put their babies up for adoption, no kids would belong to their biological parents." Ziva took a breath, looking at her stomach as Gibbs continued. "It's your decision, in the end, because DiNozzo's leaving it up to you."
She looked back at him, this man who meant so much to her, who had been a father to her when her own had fell through. Since her father had died, he'd filled the void there even more. And here he was, telling her that he thought she and Tony could be parents. If he believed it, it had to be true, didn't it? Or maybe Tony had been right. Maybe she'd had the wrong viewpoint the entire time.
"I think that I... I have ruined things with Tony. Even if I did..." she hesitated, testing the words out carefully. "Even if I did keep the baby, we have said awful things to each other and I have hurt him. I do not know if it can be fixed."
Gibbs shook his head incredulously. "It's you and DiNozzo. You'll be fine."
It made Ziva chuckle, the idea that the explanation was that simple. She took a moment, putting her hands on her stomach. Her heart rate had picked up a little, and she took deep breaths, trying to sort through everything in her head. "Do you really think I can do this? As well as another couple can?"
Gibbs gave her one curt nod. "And there isn't anything like being a parent. I don't want you to miss the opportunity to raise your child when I know you can handle it. And you've got one hell of a partner out there that wants the opportunity to be a father. Not all unexpected pregnancies have that."
It was a long shot. She was still terrified, and she knew that her fear wasn't just going to go away, but it was as if the words coming from Gibbs meant more to her than anything anyone else could ever tell her. She valued his opinion too much to let his words fall on deaf ears. So, with a trembling voice and a heart tugging in her chest, she closed her eyes, going against everything her mind was telling her when she nodded. "Okay."
"Ziva?" A nurse walked in. "We're about ready. How about you?"
Looking at Gibbs, who had a small smile on his face, Ziva nodded. "Yes."
A knock came at the door, and Tony poked his head in. His face was guarded, careful. "Do you still want me in here?" he asked, and she could see that he was genuinely asking. It made her feel a little guilty. She had put him through hell over the past few months. It would definitely take some time for them to get back to normal. Maybe they'd never be back to their definition of normal, but maybe that wasn't a bad thing. They would find a new normal, all of them. It'd be different, and it wouldn't happen right away, but Ziva suddenly felt like everything would be okay even though she was still scared to death. Either way, she knew she would have to find some way to slowly make it up to him. He deserved that much.
But at least she knew exactly where to start.
She smiled at him, and she could tell that the gesture threw him off guard. "Yes, Tony," she replied, her stomach doing flips that had absolutely nothing to do with being in labor. "Of course I want you in here."
little sidenote: I'm not sure how all of you will feel about that... sort of... resolution. I liked the idea of Gibbs getting through to Ziva for some reason, or getting through the rest of it- whatever. Anyway, it might not be what a lot of you were expecting, and I'm not sure why the idea jumped out at me and stuck, but if you liked it, great, and if it disappointed you or you didn't like it, I'm sorry. It's just what I decided to do.