Dean was under the covers, he couldn't look Sam in the eye and he was so tired that it seemed like the best place for him to talk. Sam sat on the other bed leaning against the head board and all the lights were off.

"Alright Dean, tell me everything."

"How about we take turns asking questions and if we think the other is a liar then we don't move on until the truth comes out."

There was pause on Sam's side, "Fine."

Dean started before Sam could get a word out after that, "If I were sick would you accept anything I did to stay alive…I mean anything Sam. if I became something we hunted but I was still me inside would you love me or kill me, and don't give me a bullshit answer."

"Dean, are you a monster?"

Sam heard a groan of frustration come from Dean's side, "Just answer me."

"I would have to kill you."

Dean was shocked by the blunt answer, he didn't know what to say after that so he switched gears, "If you could have anyone in the world to be your partner and I mean as a lover, who would it be?"

Sam blurted out, "You, but Dean it doesn't matter because I'm not going there. This is because of dad, he fucked us up and made us this way…twisted and broken."

Dean's heart sank when he heard that, Sam had a way of making Dean feel dirty and unwanted and he was tired of feeling that way, "Just forget it."

"Are you sick Dean, just tell me."

"I'm a liability hunting now. I think I should just bow out and you get another partner. Purgatory took a lot out of me, that's all you need to know."

Sam felt the guilt engulf him like a wave leaving him to drown in self hatred over abandoning his brother and leaving him to Benny, "Dean I'm sorry but we said not to look for each other, move on and live a life…that's what I did, I built a sort of life away from hunting."

Dean felt those damned tears again running hot down his clammy skin, "I never would have stopped looking for you Sam, I would have torn the world and everything beyond it apart trying to find you because that's how much I need you but I suppose we are pretty different after all."

Sam's voice was barely a whisper, "I'm sorry, how sick are you Dean?"

"Don't worry about it. I'll help you take out the rest of the nest and then I'm heading back to South Dakota, I don't need a nursemaid so you can strike out on your own and not feel guilty about it. I think we both need to move on."

Dean was letting him go, Sam gave him the answers he needed. His brother thought their love was wrong and made it clear nothing would happen. He came right out and said he would kill Dean if he were a monster so Dean didn't see the point in turning.

It all would have been for Sam anyway and without him Dean didn't have much to live for anymore. He couldn't stop his body from deteriorating and he couldn't force Sam into a relationship. That was the moment Dean gave up.

Sam kept poking around for answers but Dean pretended he was asleep until he finally drifted off just too exhausted to listen to his brother anymore.

….

Two in the morning Sam was sobbing in his sleep and Dean woke up right on cue, he was grateful that this time there was no thrashing around because he didn't think he had the strength to handle his brother in that state.

Dean lay next to him and shook his shoulder, "Sam…baby wake up your dreaming." Sam's eyes fluttered open and looked around in the darkness, "I had a dream that I was alone…I couldn't find you."

"Well I'm here right now so don't worry."

Usually that was the part where Sam got up to pee and Dean went back to his bed but this time Sam stayed and hugged his brother to him. Dean went for broke and kissed Sam figuring he wouldn't punch him.

Sam briefly returned the kiss but then pushed him away, "I can't do this." He got up and quickly dressed as Dean buried his face in the pillow, defeated and resigned to his fate.

Sam hurried out the door slamming it behind him, he ran just like he had done in the past when he couldn't face the truth or his own weaknesses.

He did it has a kid then again when he left Dean with John and went to Stanford and later purgatory.

Eventually he ended up at a gas station and went in to buy a bottle of Jameson. Sam sat outside on a bench and watched the fog roll through. The cool, moisture soaked air seeped into his bones and the whiskey did little to combat it.

After an hour Sam went to use the gas station bathroom and as he washed his hands the hunter examined his face in the mirror and hated what he saw looking back at him, a liar and a coward.

…

Dean got up after Sam left and grabbed a bottle of whiskey then drank deeply until he started coughing again; his chest was lit on fire as his body struggled for air. He crawled into his own bed and faced the wall. Dean had a clear plan now, cut Sam off and let him go once and for all then drive back to Sioux Falls and wait to die. It wasn't much of a plan but it was all he had.

….

Sam stumbled in drunk several hours later and Dean was asleep, his breathing sounded ragged and wet. Sam sat on the edge of the bed and stroked his hair for awhile but Dean didn't wake up. He went to his own bed to sleep in hopes that tomorrow things would be better. Maybe they could have that talk without the aid of booze or darkness to hide their feelings.

No matter what Sam decided he wasn't letting Dean go anywhere.

…

Sam woke up to no brother in the next bed; he could hardly blame him after the rejection. It was a kneejerk reaction he regretted, the kiss was brief but it was all he could think about. Dean's lips felt exactly how he imagined; velvety soft, they fit Sam's perfectly burning a memory inside of him forever.

The brothers never had school dances, normal dates or sweet romances growing up; it was all hard edges, pain and denial. Life with John was brutal, exhausting and crippled them both in ways neither could admit but all of that faded away the moment Dean kissed him, it was truly life changing and now Sam wanted more.

….

He assumed Dean was still raw from the rejection and went to get coffee and doughnuts to buy himself some time before they had to talk about last night.

Sam still needed to find out about his brothers illness, the same one that sent him to the emergency room. The cryptic questions and conversation last night still left no answers.

Sam took a shower and then sat vigil by the window waiting for Dean to come back so they could straighten out this mess of a life they shared.

After a while he grew bored and went to get the remote, that's when he noticed the note shoved partly under the lamp on the nightstand. He opened it and read the scrawled message written with a shaky hand.

"Went back to SD. Sorry about last night. Don't worry about me, live that life you wanted before I came back and ruined it all. Find someone nice and be happy for once. D"

Sam punched the mirror on the wall breaking the glass and almost his hand then shouted to an empty room, "Damn it Dean you stupid jerk!" He immediately started calling every phone his brother had but Dean wouldn't answer.

….

Before dawn Benny heard a knock and there was Dean, he flung open the door and pulled him inside giving the hunter a bear hug, "Dean you're going to do it."

"No Benny I came to say goodbye, I'm heading back to Sioux Falls."

The vampire hugged him even tighter, "I won't let you die Dean, not when you have an option."

Dean used all his strength left to push him away, "This is my option, I kissed Sam last night and he rejected me. He would kill me if I weren't human, Sam said our fucked up childhood is the only reason we feel this way about each other. It's done Benny; I cut him loose so he can have that life he wanted while we were rotting in purgatory."

Benny kissed him hoping Dean would stay, change his mind and be with him. In fact Benny loved the hunter so much he would have gladly turned Dean and let him go just so he could have a life with Sam.

It was that kind of love where you're unselfish and willing give something up to make things better for the person that owns your heart. Benny would rather have Dean alive in some way and not have him at all than dead and never see him again.

"Stay with me just a little while, one last time Dean…please."

Dean took off his jacket and sat on the lumpy old bed, "I'm not much Benny, I don't know what I can do."

"Hey sweetheart I'll do all the work."

Benny took off all the hunters clothing then his own, Dean laid there as the vampire worked on him but all he could manage to get was a plumped up cock lying lazy over a hip.

"You want me to stop?"

"No Benny you can have me…I told you I wasn't much."

The vampire let it go and just held him awhile, afterward he talked to Dean again hoping to change his mind or at least stay until Benny could get Sam and force Dean to tell him the truth.

The hunters answer was an emphatic no.

…

Dean hit the road after a kiss goodbye. He had a place to go off the beaten path where no one would bother him. Dean pulled onto the highway and off to South Dakota.

He rummaged around for something to listen to and found one of Sam's mixed tapes. Dean always thought Sam's taste in music was crap but he popped in the tape anyway. He glanced over to the empty passenger seat and felt a wave of loneliness so intense his gut clenched up and his throat tightened, "Don't start crying…suck it up soldier…be a man." The voice in Deans head was not his own.

…

Sam found bloody tissues in the bathroom garbage as well as a fine mist dried over the sink that Dean had neglected to wipe down in his hurry to leave. He ransacked the small room and found the discharge papers from the emergency room balled up and tossed in the wastebasket.

When he read the words "congestive heart failure" his knees buckled, Sam sat for just a minute as all the clues came together and then he realized how blind he was, the breathing problems, Deans chronic exhaustion, his chills and coughing all made sense now.

Sam thought back to the night Dean asked what he would do if he were a monster and Sam said he would have to kill him, "Oh god, Dean no I didn't mean it!" Sam grabbed his gear and left.

He hotwired a car, swapped out the plates and headed for South Dakota but Dean had hours on him now and Sam had no idea where his brother would hide out.

There were places even he didn't know about that Dean kept to himself but Sam was skilled at tracking and had a incentive, save his brother and telling him how he felt so they could move on somehow together.

….

Benny sat there awhile just thinking about a world without Dean Winchester in it and the vampire decided it wouldn't be right. He grabbed his duffle, walked to the highway and stuck out his thumb to hitch a ride to South Dakota.

TBC