AN: Well now, the next chapter! If you're confused as to why Sirius is grieving over Tim when he was such a bastard well, in Sirius' eyes he hasn't actually done anything wrong. Sirius doesn't see the bad in Tim really, he sees him as a kind of mentor and his illness is affecting him. Please R&R I do miss reviews. :) Thank you for reading.

Chapter Fifteen: What Is And What Should Never Be

Sirius sat very still and stared at the letter that lay before him on the floor, he had his knees drawn to his chest and could feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest. He stared at the letter as if it was going to leap up and bite him. It was stupid, it was a harmless piece of paper but to him it felt like the gaping maw of a monster and no matter how much he berated himself for being a coward he still hadn't plucked up the courage to open it. He could see the symbol for the hospital printed firmly on the stark white paper and he had to suppress the urge to tear it to shreds. Whatever it said he had to know, but he found himself wishing he didn't. The two weeks between his test and the results had been the most harrowing time he had ever experienced, he had continued to go to work and attend his regular recording sessions but it was difficult to keep his mind on his music with the threat of the letter looming over him like a big dark cloud. Sirius sighed and ran his hands through his hair as he heard Remus come out of the shower, he grabbed the letter and shoved it carelessly under his bed. Remus entered and gave him a smile, Sirius returned it briefly and stood with a stretch. "I'm going for a ride, I'll be back later."

"Ok. Well, I was going to do pasta for dinner."

"Sounds good." Sirius grabbed his coat and keys and left the house.

When Remus was dressed and had put on the food to cook he began tidying the place up a bit, when he was picking up Sirius' used mugs he found a piece of paper sticking out slightly from under the mattress. Remus frowned and pulled it out, he saw that it was from the hospital and felt a twist of foreboding in his stomach, he took the letter and put it on the counter, determined to ask Sirius about it when he returned.

XXX

James stood before Sirius' door and raised his fist to knock but then he let it fall back to his side. He sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair and turned away, he paused at the bottom of the steps and grimaced before turning back around and staring at the door once again. He frowned angrily at his cowardice, he wanted to speak to Sirius. He needed to make it up to him. He wanted his friend back but most of all…He stopped that thought midway through, it was a bad idea going there. It was bad enough that he now had to confess to his friends that he and Lily were over and he had made the biggest cock up of his entire life by proposing to her and being refused, he also had to apologise to Sirius and beg for his forgiveness. He would do whatever it took to get him back, even if it meant grovelling on his knees. But, no matter how many times he convinced himself that he was doing the right thing he still couldn't actually knock on the damned door. He cursed loudly and turned away, perhaps he'd try again tomorrow. Just as his foot touched the step the door opened to reveal Remus who grinned and stood back to allow James inside. "I was wondering when you'd show your sorry self. Tea?" He asked as James had no choice but to allow himself to be ushered inside.

"Uh…yeah…Please." James replied and began looking around the bed-sit. It was nearly unrecognisable, it had been scrubbed into some semblance of cleanliness and even smelt as if it was inhabited by an actual human rather than a pig living in its own mess.

Remus noticed James' twitchiness and smiled to himself. "Sirius has gone out, in case you're wondering." He began preparing the tea in two mugs and saw James relax visibly.

"Good." He sighed and threw himself down on the bed, he pushed his hands into his hair and stared down at his trainers. "You heard then."

Remus' smile fell and he sighed softly. "Yeah, she told me." He said and brought over the steaming mug and put it on the floor in front of his friend. "I honestly don't know why she stuck around for so long, she knew that she would always be second best where Sirius was concerned. I warned her a long time ago." He shook his head slowly and saw James' face crumple. "I'm sorry but it's true. I can't believe you actually proposed to her though, that was the height of stupidity, even for you, the King of Stupid mistakes."

"Alright, give it a bloody rest will you." James muttered and fell backwards onto the bed, as he hit the mattress he was assaulted by a powerfully familiar scent and he sighed and closed his eyes. Sirius' smell was embedded in his duvet and no amount of washing could remove it, James took another deep breath and allowed the smell to comfort him.

"Lily only wants you to be happy, James." Remus said quietly and sipped at his tea. He saw James turn his head and bury his face in Sirius' pillow. "She said that she's just tired of always coming second and in all honesty I can't say that I blame her. Look, James, you need to get your head sorted before you try to go back to being friends with Sirius. He's not…very stable at the moment and I really don't think that you turning up on his doorstep and throwing everything out of whack again will help him in his recovery."

James opened an eye and glared at Remus. "I only want things to go back to the way they were before…well, before everything."

"Of course, Jamie." Remus said in a voice that clearly told James he didn't believe him, he sat up and pouted.

"It's true!"

"Yes, I believe you."

"I only want to be his friend, nothing more!"

"Of course you do." Remus sipped his tea again and lifted an eyebrow at James, he knew him too well to believe that their relationship would be the same again. For one thing Sirius would be unable to keep his hands to himself or his cock in his pants and James was almost pathetically weak when it came to Sirius' smile. Remus agreed with Lily, he only wanted his friends to be happy but he also knew that trying to start a relationship while Sirius was still trying to get himself clean would be a big mistake. It would only take a tiny nudge to push Sirius back off the wagon again.

XXX

Sirius sat in the recording booth with a bottle in his hands, he took a deep swig of the alcohol within and frowned furiously at the mixing desk. He shouldn't have left the flat but he had needed the air, he needed to get himself away from the letter, the constant wary looks from Remus and the worry and fear that he would get the phone call telling him that Tim had died. He didn't know why but the idea terrified him, it was because of Tim that he was coming so close to realising his dreams. It had been Tim who had properly introduced him to his sexuality, it had been Tim who had encouraged him to truly be himself and finally let himself go. He knew he wasn't and had never been in love with the man but he still felt something for him, even if he didn't know what. He remembered the first time he had met him, he had been terrified as he had taken his first steps into his first Gay club. He must have looked like a hunted gazelle as he had stood in a corner and gaped around at everything in utter amazement. He remembered seeing Tim for the first time, he had taken Sirius' hand and they had danced together. Once Sirius was drunk Tim had taken him to the back rooms and introduced him to the bands that had been playing, then he had given him his first proper taste of what sex between two men should be. Sirius strummed his fingers over his guitar absently as he immersed himself in memories; he smiled to himself and hummed lightly before pausing to take another deep drink from his bottle. Tim had never exactly been his friend, or really his lover as such, he didn't really have a word to describe what Tim had been to him but he knew his life would be very different if he hadn't met him. Slowly he lifted his bottle and toasted the man before finishing it and standing up, he swayed as he returned his guitar to its case and set it lovingly against the wall before turning out the lights and leaving.

XXX

Remus heard the familiar rattle of keys in the door and turned just as Sirius stumbled through with a soft curse as his feet tangled together. He righted himself and found himself facing an angry Remus, he grinned guiltily and smelt the scent of slightly burnt food. "I'm sorry." He said quickly, steering his friend away from anger. "Look I…" He paused as his eyes landed on the second figure sitting on his bed, his mouth worked silently before he took a breath and steadied himself. He turned his eyes back to Remus and saw him watching him suspiciously. "I'm just drunk!" He said defensively as he threw his coat on the floor and moved into the room. He found himself grabbed in a vice like grip and turned around, Remus sniffed him and stared intently into his eyes. "I haven't done anything!" Sirius muttered a little angrily, he yanked himself free and looked away. "You'd know it if I had so stop acting so suspicious, it's annoying. You're acting like my mother."

Remus relaxed and sighed softly. "I'm sorry, I just had to make sure."

"Yeah, I know." Sirius muttered and rubbed tiredly at his eyes. "I see you have company." He said softly, avoiding looking at James.

"Yes, he was just leaving." Remus said and James stood up, adjusting his jeans and shifting awkwardly.

"No…no it's fine, James. Stay if you like." Sirius said and waved a hand airily. "I hope Lily knows where you are, I'm sure she would worry." He moved over to his liquor cabinet and took out a bottle before opening it and drinking straight from the neck.

James looked at Remus who pursed his lips and shrugged in defeat. "Uh…actually…we broke up. For good this time." He said quietly and watched Sirius pause mid-sip, he turned and they stared at each other for a long time in silence.

"Oh." Sirius said and slowly sank to the floor. "And…and what does that mean? For…for us?" He asked, unable to help the quiver in his voice. Remus sighed audibly as he turned and went to the kitchenette.

James fidgeted with the hem of his jumper. "I'm sorry." He said and left it to hang in the air between them.

Sirius frowned into his bottle before taking a deep breath. "Yeah, so am I." He replied and looked up to see James staring at him with his head cocked to one side. "Honestly, James, I know you loved her."

"Yeah…yeah I kind of did." James sat back down and looked at his hands. "She turned down my proposal too…she…she said that she wanted me to be happy and I wasn't going to be happy with her."

"Oh." Sirius forced the sudden surge of bright, painful hope away and tried to find an emotion that wasn't so heartless but he couldn't find one. The silence stretched on until Sirius couldn't take it anymore, he stood abruptly and moved over to his friend's side, he sat down and lifted a hand. It hovered in mid air for a long time before James took it in his own, he could feel how cold Sirius was and it made his heart jump into his throat when their skin connected. "I'm really sorry, Jamie." Sirius said and they both looked at each other, Sirius' eyes glittered and James could see the painful hope in them, he felt his throat constrict and ran the pad of his thumb over Sirius' palm.

"Sirius I…"

"Don't." Sirius shook his head and smiled weakly, slowly he untangled their fingers and drew away reluctantly. "I don't need an apology."

James immediately missed the contact but he made no move to regain it. "It's just that…I…well, I wanted to ask if you still wanted to be mates?"

Sirius' smile flickered briefly and his eyes darkened, James watched that hope die and felt his heart clench. He looked away and frowned until he felt a hand on his face, he was forced to turn around and when he did he felt lips pressed to his own. It was a soft, loving gesture and after a second Sirius pulled away, allowing his fingers to linger on James' cheek. "Yeah, let's go back to the way things were." He said in a rough, choked voice. "There's too much history for us to throw it all away. We're brother's and…and maybe that's just how it's supposed to be."

James sighed heavily and looked over to the kitchenette where Remus was watching them both sadly. Finally he made a decision. "Sirius, the reason Lily turned me down was because…because she knew me better than I know myself." He took a deep breath and, before he could think of what he was doing, or the effect it would have, he leaned close and planted a kiss on Sirius' lips. Sirius froze, his eyes widening as James pulled him closer and deepened the kiss. Sirius closed his eyes and opened his mouth to allow James' tongue in, he felt thrills shoot through his body like white hot knives and couldn't prevent a shiver of delight from wracking his body. He smiled a little as James pushed him into the mattress, it was as night had become day. They lay there, enjoying the prolonged kiss until abruptly Sirius remembered the letter. The letter that could destroy all this in one fell swoop. He gasped and pulled himself away.

"James…no." He said and struggled out from beneath his friend. He ignored Remus' surprised face and James' hurt expression. He stood up and backed off a few paces. "We can't do this. Not now, not ever! Don't you understand? I-I…I'm…" He faltered and bit his bottom lip. "I'm sorry…"

Remus gazed at Sirius in surprise before suddenly remembering the letter, he turned and picked it up from where it lay on the worktop. "Sirius, does this have anything to do with this letter?" He asked and held it up. Sirius stared at it like a hunted animal, he chewed his lip before turning his eyes back to James and sighing in defeat. He pushed his hands into his hair and closed his eyes.

"Yeah…it does." He said. "When I went to visit Tim in hospital I found out from his doctor that the Pneumonia was caused by a virus the doctors are calling GRID…or Gay Related Immune Deficiency…I…I got myself checked out for it. That's the results." He looked up to see James staring at him with wide eyes and Remus looking at the letter with a thoughtful frown. "Its…it's basically a disease that destroys the immune system and so far they've only found it in Gay men. Tim's got it and…and there's a good chance that I do too…They haven't found a case where anyone's survived." He sighed and dropped heavily to the floor.

Remus moved over to him and sat at his side, he held out the letter to him steadily. "Read it." He said, but Sirius could detect the slight shake in his usually calm voice. "You need to know one way or the other."

Sirius took the letter in shaking fingers and met Remus' steady gaze. "And what if I'm positive?" He whispered hoarsely. Remus put his arm around him tightly.

"Then we'll deal with it together." He said firmly.

Sirius nodded and looked at James who moved forward and took his hand, preventing him from opening it. "No matter what it says Sirius, we'll stand by your side."

Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat and finally tore open the letter.