Hello people! So here's another chapter! Don't know where this is heading yet, but I guess we'll see! :)
Live long and prosper and let me know what you think!
"Good Gods, was I interrupting something?"
Jim and Spock looked at each other.
"Yes", was Spock's answer.
"No", replied Jim at the same time.
Rolling his eyes, Bones stood up and rummaged through his bag, looking for something among the countless hypos, med bottles, and other artifacts.
"Ok, I think you two might need to discuss some things – and before you say anything", said Bones, gesturing towards Kirk, anticipating his objections, "no Jim, no, unless it's some medical condition, I don't need or want to know about it. You two deal with whatever issues you have; I don't wanna be part of it."
"Doctor, it would be highly illogical to include you in an ordeal that visibly disturbs you greatly. Also, might I add, as humans say, it is 'none of your business', but only the Captain's and mine."
"Alright, alright, you green-blooded hobgoblin, don't get on your high horse just yet, I don't want to know about your 'logic' right now, ok? All I want to do now is make you two promise me NOT to kill each other after I'm done here. I've had enough of you being reckless and risking your lives today so I don't want so see you in sickbay because you lost your Vulcan or corn-fed temper."
"Bones, really –"
"No, Jim, don't 'Bones' me. I know you too goddamn well. So if you don't want me to hypo you into next year, you will also stay off duty and take these pills every three hours. And that goes for you too, Spock, for god's sake. If I see or hear that either of you has gone up to that bridge in the next 24 hours, you're gonna regret it. Scotty and Sulu can mind the store for a day."
He put down aggressively two bottles filled with red and green pills on the coffee table while Spock and Kirk stood up at once, protesting loudly.
"Doctor, there is no need for –"
"Yeah, Bones, that's just plain rid –"
"Now, listen to me, you two hot headed bastards", interrupted McCoy forcefully, "I've had ENOUGH of your goddamn hero complex, and if you don't do as I say, I will relieve the hell out of both of you of duty until we get back to Earth. So you better damn behave! I'm still your CMO, goddammit, and if I say that you are not fit for duty, well YOU. ARE. NOT. Now, sirs, is that understood?"
Something in the doctor's tone startled both officers into silence. They looked at each other, puzzled by the doctor's vehemence. Of course, McCoy had always been grumpy and bad tempered, but it was more a façade than the real deal. Something was amiss.
Tentatively, as the doctor was putting his tricorder back in his bag, Jim took a step towards him.
"Bones… What's going on?"
"None of your damn business."
"Okay, Bones, come on. Tell me what's this all about. I know it can't be just about me and Spock."
The doctor remained silent, relentlessly moving things in his first-aid kit.
"Bones? There is something else going on, isn't there? Because, I've seen you angry, or even absolutely furious, I've seen you very mad at me, and I know how you act when you're in a bad mood, but I've never seen you react like this."
Sighing, Leonard closed his bag. Suddenly, he looked very tired and much older than he normally did.
"Bones?"
"Yeah, alright, Jim, there is something else besides your stupid and foolish recklessness, though it never helps that you always manage to almost die on me all the time. I'm not getting any younger, kid, and it's getting to me. You have no idea of what my nerves have to go through every time you land on a goddamn planet. You just seem to be a magnet for trouble, no such thing as routine or normal missions for you. I'm just a doctor, dammit, not a miracle worker."
McCoy sighed and closed his eyes.
"And someday… Someday, I fear I won't be able to fix you, kid. And that scares the hell outta me."
Jim silently put his hand on his friend's shoulder, waiting for him to continue. Nervously, McCoy ran a hand through his hair.
"But… you are right, Jim. There is something more. It's… It's Christine. She was gravely injured, she was sent down with the rescue party looking for you and Spock. She insisted that she ought to go while I waited here. And she's now in a coma. I… I don't even know if she's gonna make it."
The doctor sat down, visibly shaken. His voice was hoarse with emotion when he started speaking again.
"She might even be already dead, Jim."
He put his head in his hands, trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to pour out freely.
"I should have gone down there myself, dammit."
Jim looked at his friend, shocked. Christine… Christine Chapel was now dying because she had wanted to rescue him. She was dying because of his recklessness.
How many more had died because of me today?, he asked himself. And to think that he had thought he was saving his crew…
Jim fell to his knees, lowering himself at the doctor's level.
"Bones, this is not your fault. Don't you blame yourself for what you did, you did nothing, nothing wrong.. This… This is all my fault. If someone should be blamed for everything that happened today, it's me, and certainly not you… Why do everything I do turn out like this? Fuck, I was only trying to help… I only wanted… I…"
Jim's voice broke, unable to repress the guilt and the turmoil of feelings that was flowing his heart, drowning him in sorrow, cutting through his throat like shards of glass. How could he have been so stupid? He should have foreshadowed such an outcome. Maybe… he should never have been promoted in the first place. All he seemed able to do, no matter how hard he tried, was to endanger his crew, his friends – Spock.
Damn, even Spock had almost died today. What if it had happened? What if Spock had actually died? Jim would certainly not have been able to live with himself if he had, he was sure of it. He could barely stand himself now, thinking about all those people risking their lives for him, let alone imagine coping with Spock's death.
"I'm so sorry. I failed. It's all my fault, Bones", he whispered.
Before he could react, he felt himself suddenly dragged up, and for the second time in a very short period of time, Jim found himself pined against the wall under Spock's grip.
"Spock, what – What the fuck –"
"Captain, you presently seem to be under the absurd and illogical misconception that everything that happened today did because of your actions. If that is the case, you are indeed severely mistaken."
Spock's tone was controlled and almost flat, a sign that Jim had come to know as one of great anger and emotional repression. Once again, Jim tried to escape the Vulcan's grip – in vain. He stopped fidgeting to glare at his First Officer.
"Spock, people have died trying to rescue me. People have fucking died because of me, and you are saying it's not my fault?"
"May I firmly remind you, sir, that without your swift actions, even more people would have perished?"
"It doesn't matter, Spock. All my crew, every single one of them is my responsibility, and every time one of them dies, it is my fault. And I think you know that. I thought we had that covered just a few minutes ago."
A tense silence ensued. Jim's breath was becoming more and more erratic as Spock kept his unbelievably strong hand on the Captain's throat.
"You know it's true, Spock."
The Vulcan arched an eyebrow. He loosened his hold a little, making it easier for his Captain to breathe, though not nearly enough to allow Kirk to escape.
"Are you then insinuating that you were the one who asked or made it possible for the Klingons to trespass into Federation space?"
Jim rolled his eyes.
"No, of course –"
"Were you the one who asked them to fire upon us?"
"No, but –"
"Were you the one who let them infiltrate Sherman's planet and allowed them to kill civilians, to destroy their dwellings, and to overrule the local government?"
"Spock, will you just –"
"I fail to see how you can be held responsible for any of the circumstances that led to the efficient course of actions you took today, which as I reminded you several times now, prevented the certain death of most of the people aboard this vessel, including myself. Or are you proposing that you can also be made liable for the actions of our enemies?"
"That has nothing to do with –"
"With all due respect, Captain, it has."
"No, dammit, you know very fucking well what I mean. Spock, don't play dumb on me, it's not working. I was the one who let you endanger yourself by allowing you to negotiate with them. I was the one who decided to come and rescue you myself instead of letting security handle the matter, which would have prevented the Klingons to take me as a hostage. They wanted me, and I made the task easier for them. I was the one in need to be rescued, so that's why people died. Because I had to fucking prove I could do this myself. Because I refused to listen to what other people were suggesting. Because I had a fucking gut feeling, merely an intuition that it was the right thing to do, when it obviously was the worst possible thing I could have done just then. So it is all my fault, no matter why the Klingons were there, no matter how."
Jim was still unsuccessfully trying to escape the steely grip of his First Officer, glowering at him. Suddenly, something strong hit the wall just besides Kirk. Startled, he gaped as he realized that it was, in fact, McCoy who had nearly punched him. He was livid with anger.
"Now wait a damn minute, Jim. Lemme get this straight to your little fried brain, because it seems to me that it's not functioning as it should at the moment. You ain't no goddamn god or super hero, no matter how hard you try. You cannot be blamed for being human, and having limits, dammit. I'm always the first one to point out your flaws, to question your decisions, but it doesn't mean that they are not good decisions. I question them because it's my duty as a friend and as CMO. And I'm sorry, kid, but Spock is right. And don't let anybody hear I said that", he said, pointing his finger at Spock and Jim, menacingly. "I hate to agree with the pointy-eared bastard, but it's true, you sure as hell saved the ship today. And with all due goddamn respect, Jim, we are not just damsels in distress waiting for our knight in armor to save us. We all know what we signed up for, you know. We were not assigned to the Enterprise and expected it to be a peaceful walk with the dog around the damn park. We all know death awaits us at every corner. The people who died today knew it too. Christine knew it. They didn't die because of what you did. They died honorably, fighting for their ship, for their Captain, for their goddamn planet. They knew it was part of the game."
Bones pushed Spock aside, who surprisingly complied without protesting, finally releasing Jim's throat from the Vulcan's long and strong fingers. The doctor quickly grabbed the Captain by the collar.
"So listen to me carefully, Jim. Instead of saying they died by mistake, you should start realizing that they didn't, and that they died because they believed in the same damn things that you do, because they believe in freedom, in peace, in the Federation. So don't you dare say that they died by mistake, dammit! Because it's not true, and when you declare that, it's like saying they died for nothing."
Abruptly, McCoy let go of Jim's shirt and went to pick up his bag. Without a word, he headed for the door, but stopped when he reached it. He turned towards Jim, who was still lying stunned against the wall. All anger seemed to vanish from the doctor's demeanor, as suddenly as it had first manifested.
"Take your pills, Jim. And please don't go to the bridge. I'll stop by later to check on you, and you better be here."
Leonard stepped closer to the doors, which opened swiftly.
"Bones. Wait."
Half-way through the doors, McCoy paused, glancing over his shoulder.
"What is it, Jim?"
The young Captain walked up to the doors and, after a moment of hesitation, gave the doctor a tight hug.
"I'm so, so sorry for Christine. I'll go check on her later. If I can do anything…", he murmured near McCoy's left ear.
Slowly, McCoy returned the embrace, patting Jim on the back.
"Rest. Please. Do this for me. You need it, kid."
Jim smiled, his head resting on the older man's shoulder.
"I'll do my best."
"Coming from you, that's helluva promise."
Jim's smile widened a little as he took a step backwards, leaving only his hands on Bones's shoulders.
"Thank you, Bones. I mean it. I don't know what I would do without you."
"Yeah, yeah. Don't mention it", grumbled the doctor, disengaging himself from the Captain's embrace. "I'll see you later, Jim. Spock", he nodded toward the Vulcan, who had been placidly looking at the emotional display between the two humans.
And Leonard H. McCoy walked out of the room.
There was a very soft moment of silence. Kirk ran his hand through his hair, still shaken by the pretty eventful day and by what had just happened. He suddenly felt immensely tired.
Jim sensed more than he heard the Vulcan move behind him.
"Jim. You require rest. I shall leave you to –"
"No, Spock!"
The Commander's eyes widened a little in surprise. Jim embarrassingly realized that he had almost shouted the last words.
"I mean', he continued more softly. "Yes. I know. I need rest. But…"
The Captain hesitated. He looked over to his First Officer, who was eying him questioningly.
"I don't want you to go."
Spock arched both his eyebrows.
"I – I don't want to be alone."
Jim lowered his gaze.
"I've always been alone, even when I actually am with people", he continued, as the Vulcan remained silent. "I've never been close enough of anybody, Bones excepted. And tonight… I'm not sure I can stand it. And you – your presence comforts me."
"I do not think it would be appropriate for me to stay at this moment."
Frowning, Jim looked up at his friend.
"What do you mean?"
Spock's gaze went to the floor, as he turned away from his Captain. Surprised, Jim realized that the Commander was embarrassed.
"Captain, I fear that I am severely emotionally compromised and that my – recent – behavior was hardly professional at all. I will remove myself from your quarters, as my presence, no matter how comforting you seem to deem it, will only impediment your rest and proper recovery. Also, I need to meditate in order to –"
"Oh, is that so, Mr. Spock? You need to meditate, now. Now that you have done your duty, you're just going to leave and meditate, is that right? Seems like the right, I mean the logical, thing to do, isn't it? Especially after I've told you how I really need your presence right now. You know, that's what someone who care for someone else does, to be there for the other. Or didn't you mean any of the things you said earlier?", asked Jim bitterly, his temper simmering.
Spock stared sharply back into Jim's unflinching gaze.
"What is this really about, Spock?"
"Captain, logic dictates I try to meditate even though it might not be possible at the moment. Remaining in your presence only seems to trigger some unpredictable emotional reactions, if my unforgivable recent behavior is anything to go by."
"Hey, Spock, it's not as though you've never tried to strangle me before", replied the Captain, chuckling humorlessly. "You have not succeeded yet, and you know what they say –"
"Your mediocre attempt at humor only furthers –"
"It was sarcastic, Spock."
"Nevertheless, I must –"
"Alright, alright, I'm sorry! All I mean is that yeah, you might have been a bit harsh on the Vulcan Death Grip today, but it's no big deal. I was kinda asking for it. Both times."
Spock looked up at his commanding officer, bewildered.
"Even though I do regret losing my temper twice this evening, I must admit that it is not the only particular event I was referring to."
Sighing, his anger dropping instantly, Jim turned his back to the Vulcan.
"I know, Spock."
Running for the umpteenth times his hand through his hair, Jim lowered his gaze to the floor.
"You know, we can just forget about it, if it disturbs you so much. I understand if you… Well, if you didn't really mean what you said, or if you were indulging in your emotional side when you said it, it's fine. I know how you Vulcans hate to display your emotions, so, like, it's okay. We… we can still be just friends, pretend nothing happened or something. But I need you, Spock. Even just as a friend. I –"
"Do you truly wish that we remain 'friends' after what happened, Jim?"
Jim gaped at Spock, startled – and hurt. Where was that coming from? He had thought… Well, he had thought the Vulcan at least cared about him, if just in a friendly manner. He didn't know that Spock was feeling that way towards him… Earlier, he had seemed so... Well, so troubled. So human.
That's it, Jim thought. Spock can't deal with all these emotions, so he decided that he ought to get away from the source instead of always having to repress and deal with the unwanted feelings.
It made Jim incredibly sad. He thought about all the pleasant evenings they had spent playing chess, quietly speaking, or simply remaining in a companionable silence. He thought about the subtle humor of his First Officer and the way he would definitely not smile when Jim would say something amusing.
He thought about Spock's soft lips on his own and all the promises it had held then.
I need him, was shouting Jim's mind. I need him so fucking much. But that was never reciprocal obviously.
No. He wouldn't cry, he wouldn't beg, he wouldn't show how distressed he was. He was strong. He had been rejected before. He knew the drill. He was probably better off alone anyway. And at least, now, unlike before, he had the Enterprise. At least, she would never reject him.
He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself.
"I didn't know you – you didn't even want to be friends anymore."
Gods, saying that out loud hurt even more than he thought it would.
"It's – it's fine, Spock. I had wished… Well, I really appreciate you, so I had thought… I hope we will be able to maintain a good professional relationship, but – but I would understand if you wanted to be assigned to another ship. I – I just want you to be happy. Even though that's an emotion."
Jim closed his eyes. He was glad not to be facing Spock as a tear slowly streamed down his cheek. However, also because he was not facing Spock, he missed the genuinely stunned expression on the Vulcan's face.
"Jim, you misunderstand: indeed, I said I do not wish to be your friend, but –"
"No, it's okay, Spock", cut Jim, harsher than he intended. But it was so painful already; he didn't need Spock to rub salt into the wound by explaining logically his reasons. "You really don't need to justify yourself. I understand why you wouldn't –"
"– not for the reasons you deduced, on the contrary, Jim –"
"– I know that I am way too emotional for you and that –"
"– I would not be adverse to partake in a relationship with you that can be referred as –"
"– you prefer to avoid my company –"
"– more than friends."
Jim stopped talking at once and turned around sharply. Spock was now only standing a few inches away from him, thanks to the Vulcan's stealthy ability of moving without a sound.
"Wait, what did you say?"
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