Someone obviously read the previous chapter and saw my character request option. As a result, this chapter came out. This chapter was so fun, I was laughing my head off while brainstorming. Thank you MissiB and makelifetakethelemonsback123!

3. The Anti-Dating Squad part 1 (Main Characters-Lust, Envy, Greed by request)

Ages

Pride-18

Lust-15

Sloth-14

Envy-10

Greed-9

Gluttony-7

It was no secret that Envy and Greed hated each other. If any of the siblings were likely to fight, it was those boys. However, the two could get along for a common cause-and mercy for the person this cooperative effort was laid against. In this case, it was Lust. Now, everyone in the house liked Lust, her being the big sister of the house, especially the seven year old Gluttony. There was one small problem. She had the worst taste in men in the history of well-ever. At least, that's what her brothers thought. Except for Pride, who didn't give a crap about anything except himself. It was a common joke from the younger siblings that Pride wouldn't get into a relationship until cloning was invented…

Now if only Lust had that problem.

They would have liked that problem.

Lust liked what she considered 'bad boys', as she considered them 'cool'. Envy had considered them 'worthless smoke-puffers who were looking for advancement in society through useless means.' Greed had used a better phrase-the only thing Envy considered clever that had come from his younger brother's obnoxiously large mouth. Something on the lines of "walking pieces of Gluttony food" then added they were already smoked. Despite the two getting in trouble for their colourful descriptions of men Lust had gone after, there was one bonus. Father wouldn't allow her to date. She could flirt-and boy, did she ever overuse that-but dating was prohibited. At least, that was the case two days ago.

Two days ago was horrible. Two days ago…Father said yes. For some reason, their Father-who most of the time was highly intelligent-had allowed her to have a boyfriend. When Lust had asked, they all looked at each other, smirking. It wasn't going to happen. That's what they had thought. However, when Lust pointed out her age, Father took that into account. He nodded softly, as if he was considering it. "Hm," He began his life-ruining statement "I suppose you having connections could be a decent idea, and since Pride has shown no interest in any form of relationship…"

"But I thought he was in love with his complexion…" Gluttony noted curiously.

Greed and Envy sat there, trying not to look guilty, though even though they hadn't said it together, they had both set it.

"Gluttony, who told you that?" Gluttony tilted his head. "Pride, why do you look so angry?"

Pride evaded the question. "Was it Big Brother Envy or Big Brother Greed?"

"Both of them said it, and they never agree, so it must be true."

"I see." However, even though his mouth said 'I see', the spreading shadows underneath promised true horrors to come. Though unlike they expected, these horrors did not come from Pride, but Father himself.

"As I was saying, I suppose you are old enough Lust for companionship."

Cups shattered, and forks dropped from the table as the five others gaped at the sheer magnitude at what Father had just said.

"W-what..?" Envy stared at Father, as if to say 'are you out of your mind?'

Ignoring his startled children, he continued, speaking to Lust. "You have to find a man with connections. It can't be just any ordinary man."

Many things can happen in times of need-and this was a time of need. Because three days later, Lust had hooked herself up with this man. Envy needed to know who it was. After all, someone had to report the danger. Which is why he had neatly turned himself into the flower on the table of the two lovebirds.

When he first saw the boy, he was shocked. He didn't smell like smoke. He didn't look like he had just done drugs. He had glasses-and a freaking bow tie.

Oh Lust, what have you done?

You're dating a freaking NERD!

"Oh, h-hi Solaris!" He blushed nervously.

"Hi Elijah!"

"I didn't t-think you would come."

She grinned and tapped him on the nose. "Elijah Elric, what makes you think I wouldn't show up?"

"Well, after what Catherine did…"

"Oh yeah! Your little sister's a twerp."

"Yeah. I've told her to stop getting Ms. Whiskers to attack people." Elijah scratched the back of his head nervously.

"You know, Liore isn't as shabby as I thought it would be." Lust looked around.

"I still enjoy my Resembool." Elijah smiled.

Envy wished that a flower could roll its eyes, because he really wanted to right now.

She grinned at him. "Father said yes."

"Oh! That's excellent!" Elijah fixed his bowtie. Envy rolled his eyes. He could beat him up with one finger! This guy was so freaking weak!

Envy couldn't take it anymore and rolled himself into a bush as soon as a wind gust came. THIS WAS A FAMILY EMERGENCY!

Greed looked at the clock. He was SO bored. Envy had disappeared and harassing the others just wasn't as fun. Sloth would just fall asleep in the middle of his attempts, Gluttony would giggle at every single insult, and even though Pride could be fun, Pride was still royally angry after finding out that he and Envy decided he was in love with his reflection. (Stupid little kids can't keep a secret.) He chucked another rock into a nearby bush near their house. He managed to hit something else.

"OW!" Boredom dissolved, the freak was home.

"Oh! Didn't see you there. Your palm tree hair makes good camouflage for you."

Envy went to attack his little brother, but stopped.

"I'll continue this later. Right now we have a family emergency."

Greed grinned and bounced a rock off Envy's head. "You just realized you are a freak?"

"NO! It's-"

"You're secretly a big wuss?"

"You're wussier than me! It's-"

"You realized you have palm tree DNA?"

Envy exploded. "NO YOU RETARDED PACK RAT! LUST IS DATING A NERD!"

The rock dropped out of Greed's hand, and he extended his neck out in shock.

"A…nerd?" Greed spoke softly, as if he had spoken a curse.

"Yes."

"How nerdy is he…?"

"I think he has a shrine to pocket protectors."

Greed gasped. "It is an emergency."

Envy scowled. "You're mocking me, aren't you?"

"Did you hear me call you a freak right now? I am being completely serious! What happens if these two get married?!"

Envy stared in shock at Greed, as he had not thought of these horrid implications.

Envy gripped Greed's shoulders. "We need to team up to stop this!"

"Deal! Anti-Dating squad unite!"

Envy was too horrified by the news to tell him that the team name sucked.

Greed and Envy were sitting at their dinner table.

"We need a plan. How are we going to stop this?" Greed pointed out. After pausing, he added "Envy! Was there anything you heard that could help us?"

Envy paused for a moment and grinned.

"CATHERINE!"

Greed stared at Envy. "Is she like…your girlfriend or something…"

"No! Why would you say that! I don't even know her!"

"Funny, you're face is red."

"…shut up. You would do that too if I had suggested you were dating someone. Besides, that's the geek's brother. Apparently she hates our sister. Got a cat to attack her."

Greed grinned evilly and folded his hands together.

"Brother, it appears you have found something very useful. Very useful indeed."

(End of Part 1 of 2)

Hello! Sorry for keeping you guys waiting so long. In case you were wondering, Elijah is the ancestor of Trisha Elric-meant to be like Alphonse. Note: I do not ship Al and Lust together; I just thought it might be good for this.