A/N - This is now replacing my authors note explaining that I was taking a hiatus from this story due to two unexpectedly family deaths, including my Mother over Christmas and in to January.
First, I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone who has contacted me about this. I did try and reply to you all, and if I didn't I truly am sorry, but it wasn't intentional, and believe me, the words sent have meant an awful lot through what has been a very difficult time for myself, my sister, my other half and our family. It also coincided with the anniversary of my Father's recent death - so to say I've not been thinking of writing is a slight understatement!
However, I am finally beginning to get back to writing again, albeit in fits and starts. It will mean that updates won't be as frequent as previously, however by posting this chapter, I hope it gives me the impetus I need to really try and write a little more frequently than the odd minute I've done so far. We also have some things to still deal with concerning my Aunt and Mother's estates and homes, but overall, I feel now is the time to begin dipping my toe back in the water as it were. I just ask that you can be a patient with me a little more with updates, but they are going to happen!
Again, thank you everyone for the messages. Honorcpt - you in particular have been a great friend during this time - and I cannot even begin to say thank you enough! J and I both really appreciate it.
So on with the chapter...
Chapter seven
"This wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I thought about seeing you again." Jane finally said as she turned around, still kneeling on the concrete floor, before shifting position so she was actually sitting on the floor, her back resting against the one stall wall.
"I could say the same thing." Maura replied, pleased to see some color finally returning to Jane's cheeks, and now that she knew she was feeling better, she felt the anger beginning to rise. "What the hell do you think you're doing anyway!"
The sharpness of the words took Jane by surprise, who looked back at Maura with a worried expression. "I thought that was obvious, puking up in a toilet in some godforsaken African country, under the obviously mistaken belief you might actually want to talk to me."
Jane knew her retort was too hasty, but seeing Maura react the way she just had, mixed with the sheer emotion that she had been carrying around ever since the warehouse was enough for her to react. What she didn't expect was the stinging on her cheek as one of Maura's hands came out, slapping her - hard.
"You..." Maura's voice was taut, as she fought her anger, and failed. "I told you not to come after me, and once again you've gone against my wishes. Dammit it Jane!" Maura began to stand up, and opening the stall door, she walked out, fists clenched tightly to her side.
Jane scrambled to her feet and followed, not wanting to make a scene in a very public toilet block, especially since they were already getting some sideways looks from other women who were in there.
Without thinking, as they stepped outside, Jane grabbed Maura by the elbow and physically dragged her to the small room where she had been sleeping and sharing with Mark and Fred, grateful it wasn't too far to walk. Once there, she quickly turned around and closed the door behind them, before leaning back against it, partly to prevent Maura from leaving, and partly because she needed the support it was giving her, her legs shaky.
"We need to talk." Jane finally said once she was sure she had got her breathing under some semblance of control.
"No Jane, we don't have to talk. We don't have to do anything." Maura's chest was heaving up and down as she struggled to contain her anger. "I told you to stay away and you didn't. How do you expect me to even talk to you when you can't even obey one simple request."
"Obey?" Jane looked incredulous. "What the hell am I? Some kind of fucking slave at your beck and call?" Jane ran a hand across her face quickly, trying to get her own temper back in check. "So, it's all right for you to give me all kinds of ultimatums and explanations, but you don't even give me a chance to respond in any way back? What kind of fucked up logic is that Maur..." Jane's voice trailed off, and she took a deep breath. "So, you're angry, I get that, but running away never solved anything."
Jane thought that Maura was beginning to calm down, and so was taken by surprise as Maura reacted to her words with yet more venom. "Running away? Did you just accuse me of running away? I've just had to run for my life after being shot at, having had explosions hit the side of the building as we were operating on someone, leaving god knows how many people still in need of urgent medical attention because we couldn't stay there; and now you're accusing me of running away from things!" Maura demanded, crossing her arms across her chest, defensively.
"Yes, that's exactly what I've accused you of, and I don't want to bring what you've just faced in to the argument, because it's not the same at all, and you know it." Jane wasn't about to back down, and stepped in closer to Maura, pushing even harder. "You can't just tell someone you have fallen in love with them, that you are angry and hurt, without giving them a chance to talk to you about it all. Its selfish and... It fucking hurts Maura, all of it..." Jane had to stop as the tears threatened, and she turned her back slightly so she could wipe her eyes and gain some composure back before looking back at Maura again.
"You are utterly unbelievable." Maura said, her words tight. "You're hurt? I feel as if someone reached in and ripped my heart out of my chest, threw it down on the floor and danced all over it. You did that Jane. You broke my heart in so many ways I can't even begin to explain."
"Don't you think I don't know some of what I did was wrong! I had to take the shot Maura, Doyle had his gun raised! I don't apologize for my actions at the factory, but you know what, I will say sorry for some of the things I did before that happened." Jane stopped and took a deep breath. "I fucked up with Gabriel Dean, and that is my biggest mistake, sleeping with him. Not just because I fell in to the trap of believing his shit, but I also should have been at the hospital, supporting you. I wasn't Maura, and I cannot change that, but you have to believe me, I didn't do any of this knowing what would happen could possibly destroy what we had. Even if the events in the factory hadn't happened, I would still be looking back and hating what I did then. Your friendship," Jane's voice softened. "Your love, they are more important, even if I didn't show that right."
"No, I can't believe that. If you loved me, even as a friend, you never would have made the choices you did." Maura said, her own tears threatening to spill over. "I spent all my spare time after you got shot Jane at the hospital. I know it isn't the same thing, and I know I told you to go find the bastard who put my Mother in hospital, and you did just that, but I would have hoped; I would have liked, that you would have at least come back to me when you had chance, instead of sleeping with someone, whatever his final involvement turned out to be in all this. Since you shot yourself Jane, you've not been the same. You wouldn't allow me near you once you went back to your apartment and we've been slowly losing our friendship ever since. I don't know what is wrong with you, because you won't talk to me, and now you are here demanding we talk! Forget it."
"Maura... You need to know something else, and I honestly had no idea, you've got to believe me on this. Dean, he was doing it on his own. I found out afterwards that he was effectively rogue." Jane stopped as she watched Maura process the information, and for the first time, could see something other than hatred and anger crossing Maura's face. "The damn Fed's even accused me of helping him, knowing he was working against orders. I don't know what his fucking problem with Doyle was... but he used me, either to confirm information he had, or to get the information he wanted, and they can't even get him to collaborate my version of events that I had nothing to do with it, at least knowingly. They can't prove either way, but they rode my back for days Maura, fucking days, even when IAD suspended me, they kept calling me back in, with the same fucking questions and accusations, and Dean... he can't even tell them I'm not a fucking dirty cop."
"He's dead?" Maura asked, suddenly realizing she had no idea of the condition of Dean or her father.
Jane merely nodded. "Doyle, he's alive, barely." Jane dipped her head. "It's not looking good for him."
Maura looked on. "I knew that probabilities weren't in his favor. I hate that you did this to another human being Jane."
Jane's head snapped up, her eyes blazing. "Fucking hell Maura, he was a mob boss, having killed God only knows how many people. He was armed, and didn't drop his weapon. He knew if he didn't drop it, we would fire back."
"What are you saying he wanted you to shoot him?" Maura looked shocked, and her anger began to return. "That's absolutely preposterous Jane."
"Is it?" Jane looked at Maura, not batting an eyelid. "Think about it. How do you think the factory situation would have ended otherwise? Doyle knew we coudn't lie to cover up for him if Dean lived, because he could and would report that not only did we know Doyle was your biological father, but that Doyle was injured and we could have arrested him. Had we let Doyle go, like we most likely would have had Dean not been there, he knew it would rain all kinds of hell down on us..." Jane held her look, "Rained all kinds of hell down on you Maura. We couldn't just say a mystery shooter appeared, took out Kevin Flynn and before we could arrest him, he had fled. I am absolutely convinced that Doyle took another way out. He wanted us to take the shot." Jane stopped, catching her breath.
"I cannot believe that for one minute. I think it's just a fanciful way for you to try and justify what you did." Maura replied, with a shake of her head.
"Think about it, that's all I'm asking. Process what you know, the facts, god dammit Maura. It's what you do, but I don't expect you to see it now, just think about it later, when you can look at it objectively. But you know what, I am also so grateful to Doyle, because he took the shot when Kevin Flynn threatened you. I know were were there, but I don't know if we could have got our shots away in time. So I am so pleased, because he saved you from possible serious injury, possibly saved your life. Whatever I might think of him Maura, he protected you, and I owe him for that. As for me... I have felt lost. I can't sleep right, apart from the first couple of days I've not been back to my apartment since..."
At that admission, Maura did look shocked. "What? Why?" The question was out before Maura could censor herself.
"Why do you think? Because I can't look at the bed without thinking of... I would go to bed couldn't go to sleep on the bed, and tried sleeping on my sofa as an option, but hell - even being in the apartment reminded me of him being there... and that you weren't. There was no way I could go to your place, or even Ma's. Can you imagine that? Not going to happen! Ma, one house, me another... only way we can even be civil to each other." Jane waved a hand in front of her, taking another step slowly forward without realizing it. "I've slept on Frankie's sofa. When I can sleep that is."
Maura just shook her head, and seeing that Jane was no longer at the door, she moved and before Jane could stop her, she was walking out. Jane ran after her, and Maura turned around, so Jane almost collided in to her, stopping herself in time, boots skidding on the sand.
"I can't do this right now. I mean it Jane, leave... me... alone!" Maura said, her voice low and menacing. "I'll..." Maura paused for a second. "Dammit, I don't know what I want, but I do know I can't talk to you at the moment. It's too much."
Jane watched as Maura stormed off, before her arms came up and wrapped themselves around her body, fighting back tears, as she slowly turned and went back in to the room, closing the door as she went, before collapsing in the bed in tears.
"Uh oh." Fred murmured, glancing at Mark with a nod of his head to indicate what he had seen, as he spotted Maura bearing down on them. "This doesn't look good."
"No, it all looks hunky dory." Mark said sarcastically, rolling his eyes, and he braced himself for the tirade that he could see Maura was about to launch in their direction.
"How dare you." Maura came right up in to their personal space, nostrils flaring. "How dare you interfere in my private life!"
"Whoa, now hold on just a minute." Mark said quickly. "I was simply asked by your mother to bring a Detective Jane Rizzoli in to camp, and to help her find you. I had no idea what it was about, otherwise I wouldn't have agreed."
"But you know now don't you!" Maura said, her anger not dissipating. "And still you did nothing but help her. You know what, fuck the lot of you!" she spat out.
Mark and Fred both looked on speechless at Maura's words, as she spun on her heel and walked away.
Fred's one index finger came out and shakily pointed in the direction of Maura's back as it began to disappear amongst the crowd of people who were all moving around the compound. "She swore, as in properly, absolutely no shadow of a doubt swore. Not the odd shit or bastard! She used the 'F' word! Oh man, this is worse than we thought."
"We need to find Jane." Mark moved and Fred found himself following out of habit, still trying to process the last few minutes. Mark could hear the odd mumble under Fred's breath of 'she swore. She doesn't swear, not like that.' the words repeated a number of times.
"Fred, for goodness sake, be quiet." Mark turned around just as they neared the room, and they were both suddenly aware that Jane could be heard crying inside.
"I'll let you take this one." Fred said quickly, knowing that Mark was the one who would be best to help under the circumstances, "I'll go see if I can't find Maura."
"Okay, just..." he paused, pinching the bridge of his nose, the one sign Fred knew was a sure signal he was stressed. "I don't know what we can say to either of them at this point, but we we need to try and at least give them some comfort and hope they sort it out."
"I hear you!" Fred said, "Let's just hope they both can come to their senses before the damage becomes irreparable. They might not know it, but those two need each other. The vibes those two are giving off about each other is testing my gaydar to the limit! It's close to breaking point. They need to either hit each other for twelve rounds in a boxing ring using the Marquess of Queensberry rules, or hump like the energizer bunny to get rid of the sexual tension."
"I might love you, but sometimes your crudeness makes me cringe." Mark said with a sigh.
"I might be crude, but you know I'm right. As for loving me, that's a given!" Fred then looked around so he knew they weren't seen, always aware they had to be careful about their relationship being in an African country such as South Sudan, he leaned in and gave Mark a quick kiss on the cheek before he pointed to the room. "Go, do your best doctor bedside manner thing, while I go be the best possible nurse to Maura."
Mark paused, before softly knocking on the door, and hearing Jane shuffling about, he gave her a few seconds to help her compose herself, before slowly turning the doorknob and letting himself in. His heart clenched as he watched a broken Jane looking back at him as she struggled to sit up on the bed, eyes puffy and red from crying, with tear streaked cheeks.
"She hates me." Jane's words were stuttered, as she continued to wriggle across the bed, so she could sit on the edge, flipping her legs down and planting her feet on the floor, her eyes drifting down, following the motion of her feet. Jane then bent down, and slowly pulled her boots up and knocking them upside down to make sure there was nothing nasty that might have crawled in to them, put them back on, not wanting to get dust and dirt from the floor all over her socks, not bothering to tighten the laces.
Mark closed the door behind him, and sat down alongside her. They sat for a few minutes, before he put an arm out, and wrapped it around her shoulders, not pulling her in to his body, but needing to show his support. He waited for a few beats, instinctively aware that Jane wasn't the sort of person to normally allow someone to hold her like this, to make sure Jane wasn't going to pull away, and when she didn't, but actually relaxed in to his arm, he took a breath, grateful she hadn't rebuked him so far.
"She doesn't hate you sweetie." Mark's voice, low and soothing, and Jane suddenly thought that the tone almost made Mark sound as if he was talking to her as she might imagine he would in a dream. She could never remember hearing a voice that was so soothing or hypnotic in her entire life. Maura's voice, that was soothing and angelic, this was... heavenly; if Maura was an angel, Mark was god. As much as she wanted to be angry, to feel hurt, all she could do was listen to Mark's whispers of assurance, and she felt her body beginning to fall in to his shoulder automatically, her head nestling there, his comfort like the softest pillow.
Jane suddenly became aware that Mark had stopped talking. She shifted position slightly, so she was now free of his arm, looking at him carefully. "What is the story with you and Maura?"
Jane's question was unexpected, and Mark's eyebrows shot up as his face registered the surprise. "What makes you think there is some kind of story. We know each other from MSF, but also from various medical conventions we have both attended over the years. We always try and meet up at least once a year."
"No, that's not it." Jane said, her thumb coming out and hitting her chest. "I'm a detective. You do know that means we detect things, and right now..." Jane's thumb was dropped and her index finger came up instead, pointed at Mark's chest. "I know there is more to this. Please, I just want to know."
Sighing, Mark could tell Jane was not about to let it drop. "If I tell you, you must promise me it does not go beyond these walls."
Jane nodded, her face sincere.
"We were in Uganda, on the border to South Sudan when the civil war was still going on. It was too dangerous to operate from here in the country, so we had camps all along the border. One day, rebel soldiers from South Sudan raided our camp. Many people were killed before they could flee. Maura she..." Mark hesitated. "She went against orders we have in place for such things, and was trying to help some of those wounded. I was trying to leave, when I saw some soldiers, who grabbed Maura by her collar, and they began to drag her along the ground. I'm sure I don't need to explain to you what would have happened to her. Rape, torture and death were commonplace for the woman, and being a white woman, she would have been sold on numerous times before death." Mark swallowed hard. "I saw a rifle on the floor where someone had managed to kill on of the rebel soldiers, and I picked it up. I have used a shotgun in England, and so have a little knowledge of firearms. I fired."
"You saved her." Jane whispered, absolutely shocked by the revelation, knowing that Maura must have been affected by the events, and yet she had never said anything.
"I killed men, when I am sworn to help others." Mark corrected. "I am not proud of what I had to do."
"Bullshit." Jane retort was swift. "You did what you had to for survival, and to save Maura from something that sounds worse than death. That's not wrong, those soldiers were wrong for even being there, behaving like they did. You didn't start the violence, only defended yourself, defended Maura, there is one hell of a difference."
"The parallel is strange, is it not? All this time later, and here we are, different events, same arguments." Mark said with a slight smile, stopping Jane in her tracks.
Maura stormed around the compound, asking a few people she knew if they had seen Michele. She was finally able to track her down in one of the more remote blocks that housed a few beds. Maura walked in with barely a knock, and seeing Michele was alone breathed a sigh of relief.
"Mon Cher, what is wrong?" Michele could tell straight away that Maura was upset, and bristling with anger.
"Jane Rizzoli, that's what's wrong." Maura said, suddenly finding her adrenaline was starting to leave, and she fumbled her way towards one of the beds that was alongside Michele's, where she been lying down, and had now sat upright on it.
"Jane, but why?" Confusion evident in her voice.
Michele had been the only person who knew of Maura's reasons for returning to MSF, and had listened, and even at times, consoled Maura as needed. While personally she felt Maura had made a mistake in coming back out with MSF, and had told Maura so a few times, she also could completely understand Maura's need for space and to do something like this. She had certainly benefited from Maura's ability as a doctor on numerous occasions, and for that she was grateful that Maura had chosen to work again with MSF.
"She's here." Maura said, pulling out the ponytail, running a hand through her unwashed hair, and inwardly wishing she'd at least had chance for a bath or shower, before pulling it back up in to the band again. Seeing the look of confusion cross Michele's face, Maura sighed. "Jane, she's here, in Juba, at the compound."
"Oh." Michele blinked a couple of times. "And you have seen her yes?"
"Yes."
"Surely that is not enough for this..." Michele pointed to Maura, "this anger? So, you also fought, yes?"
"Yes!" Maura said loudly as she flung herself backwards on to the mattress beneath her, looking up at the tin roof that was also the ceiling, roughly sawed rafters showing where the tin criss-crossed it. Dust and cobwebs covering the surfaces in random patterns, and she was suddenly fascinated by the vista above her. "Ugh, she just makes me so angry, but so..." Maura's voice trailed off.
"Confused, but also loved... no." Michele said, a wry smile crossing her face.
Maura twisted her head to look at Michele properly. "Yes." she finally admitted. "I want to strangle her, but hug her all at once. What the hell is wrong with me?"
"That Mon Ami, is called love." Michele couldn't help but smile as she spoke. "As well as I think you know, but cannot accept at the moment."
"God I hate you sometimes." Maura said, pulling the pillow her head was resting on, and pushed it on to her face, before screaming in to it briefly. She then pulled away, and plumping the pillow up as much as something that cheap and functional could be plumped, before putting it back under her head again. "I know I love her... but I don't know if I can find it in myself to fully forgive her, not yet. Dammit, why did she have to do this to me!"
"Because she loves you also." Michele replied softly, "And I ask you, if it was the other way around, and Jane had gone off, only leaving you a letter, not giving you a chance to at least talk, to explain, to perhaps apologize, even if you had then allowed her to go as she planned, how would you feel?"
Maura sat bolt upright, and looked across to Michele. "So you're telling me I've been selfish?" Maura's face matched the tone of her voice - shock.
"If you must put it in so many words, yes." Michele said, "If that's how you feel Jane was being if it was the other way around, then, surely you have to accept that is how you are behaving also."