A/N -So sorry it's been an age since updating. Just when I thought things were settling from my Mother's sudden death (as well as dealing with the death only a couple of weeks earlier of an Aunt and as my sister and I are the only relatives left in the UK, having to deal with her estate) - well, lets just say things didn't go to plan. And just when it all began to settle again - again, stuff happened, including finding out I was anaemic (most likely to do medication I have to take for my RA).
It's meant as much as I've wanted to write - it's just been the furthest thing from my mind. Coupled with pure exhaustion - well - it just wasn't happening. However - a window of opportunity occurred, and I've grabbed at it with both hands to try and get something done. I will finish this story - as any others I'm writing - it just going to take me a while to get there!
Honorcpt - once again you've made this possible. I've missed us working together and it's been fantastic to be back doing this with you!
Any mistakes are my own and I hope they don't detract from the story! Apologies if they do for you. And that's enough from me...
Chapter eight
A knock on the door made Michele and Maura look, and Michele got up and opened it.
"Hi, is Maura Isles here..." Fred didn't get further as Maura stood up, and appeared in his line of vision.
Michele looked at the two of them, and quickly turned around, grabbing some things. "I need a shower, it looks like you need to talk."
"Thanks." Maura whispered, before leaning in and kissing Michele on the cheeks. Michele nodded towards Fred as she left as quickly as possible.
"I suppose you better come in." Maura said, moving away so Fred could walk in properly, closing the door behind him. He perched on the edge of the nearest bed, while Maura moved back to the one she had been sitting on.
"So." Fred looked across at Maura, with a sad smile.
"So."
"Listen, you have to believe me when I say Mark and I had no idea what was going on between you and Jane until earlier today, and even then, Jane told us reluctantly. But you know what Mark's like when he wants someone to tell him what's wrong. He just has a way of making people talk to him." Fred shifted position so he could be nearer to Maura, and she didn't push him away as he brought a hand out to hold her own. "Thing is, I think you are both right in some things, and wrong in others, and because you're not talking, you can't get past that."
"So, tell me, what have I been wrong in?" Maura kept her voice level, knowing now wasn't the time to lose her temper again, and also trusting Fred to be honest, just as Michele was.
"You didn't give Jane a chance to at least talk to you about it." Fred said quickly. "I'm not saying it would have changed your mind, but dammit Maur... when have you ever done something this rash? You're normally so damn levelheaded! I feel like you've been taken over by the pod people or something."
"Pod people?" Maura's forehead creased as she tried to get the reference and failed.
"Invasion of the body snatchers?" Seeing the confusion on Maura's face remain, Fred just shook his head. "You know what, not important. What is important is knowing that this is so out of character for you Maura that even I'm finding it hard to get my head around. If I'm finding it so hard, just imagine how it's making Jane feel."
"She broke my trust!" Maura finally said, her anger beginning to bubble again beneath the surface.
"I know that. Hell, she knows that, but until you both sit and talk properly, not just yelling at each other, it can't be resolved. Sure, go off and do another MSF clinic or camp somewhere, but you have to talk before you make that sort of decision again."
"I can't go back to Boston, I made a promise to be here." Maura said quietly.
"Bullshit Maura." Fred shook his head. "You can't go back to Pibor, so it's not like you're letting anyone down if you don't rejoin another hospital. You do know that Jane has persuaded them to hold your job in Boston for two months, and they have only brought a temporary replacement in."
Maura's eyebrows shot right up, her eyes wide. "She did what? How? Why?"
"One question at a time. Good god Maura, you are not yourself right now are you." Fred smiled softly. "I'll repeat, she got your job on hold for a couple of months. How, I've not got the foggiest idea. I can only assume she talked to the right people, and I imagine Detective Jane Rizzoli can be pretty persuasive when she needs to be." Fred watched as a light blush appeared on Maura's neck, and inwardly smiled. "Why, I would have thought that was pretty obvious. Because she cares about you, she knew you made a rash decision, and wanted you to have at least some sort of protection if you did come back early, with or without her."
"I told her I knew what my decision meant for me in terms of my employment." Maura's defences were back up, and Fred rolled his eyes. "She knew I had accepted I wouldn't have a job to return to."
"Yes, you did accept it, but it was once again poorly thought out by you Maura. She's not asked for it to be held for long. I think two months was a pretty shrewd time scale on her part. It gave her time to find you, and also time for you to consider your future, even if she had returned back to Boston without you, but it wasn't so long as to be rejected completely outright by the powers that be. That shows someone who cares about you Maura, not about what she might want." Fred watched as Maura's eyes actually began to finally tear up. He discretely looked away, knowing Maura would want a little time to compose herself and only looked back as Maura began to talk.
"Michele said I was being selfish. Well, she didn't say that in so many words, but... she made me look at what I had done if things were reversed, and Jane had done what I did." Maura then admitted. "The trouble is, I think of Jane and I, and while we are friends, I can't help but wonder, was this already a course we were heading towards? We are so different Fred, that even at a crime scene, our approach couldn't be further apart at times, and we end up having to try and compromise all the time. Is that really a good basis for the sort of friendship we had?"
"Had? Is it really too far gone to be salvaged?" Fred asked, looking worried for the first time.
"I don't know." Maura's reply was honest, she looked crestfallen. "Is it irreparable? Like I've said, are our differences too great? I wish I knew."
"The only way you are going to know is if you get off that backside of yours and talk to the woman! Look at Mark and I, we're chalk and cheese. I'm from the East End, he's from Eaton, and like you only works because he want's to, not because he needs the money. Yet we work as a couple. Ultimately, we balance each other out, and that's what I think you and Jane have - balance."
Fred stood up, and gently tugged at Maura's hand, and she also got up, a look of resignation on her face. "You need to do this." Fred then said as he pulled Maura in to a hug.
"I know." Maura replied as she buried her head in to his shoulder, before pulling away. "Lay on MacDuff."
"I thought it was lead on MacDuff?" Fred said as they began to walk.
"No, that's actually a misquotation. If you are really taking the words as meant by Shakespeare it means to vigorously challenge. It's where MacDuff challenges Macbeth to yield in battle. Macbeth refuses, declaring:
"I will not yield,
To kiss the ground before young Malcolm's feet,
And to be baited with the rabble's curse.
Though Birnam wood be come to Dunsinane,
And thou opposed, being of no woman born,
Yet I will try the last. Before my body
I throw my warlike shield. Lay on, Macduff,
And damn'd be him that first cries, 'Hold, enough!'"
Fred stopped, and in the process forced Maura to come to a standstill looking at him quizzically.
"What?" Maura then asked, as Fred carried on looking at her with a strange expression she couldn't quite place.
"Does she really put up with this?" Fred asked, a hand coming out and twirling in front of him. "I ask about three words, and I'm then getting the complete history of Macbeth thrown at me."
"You're exaggerating, it's not the complete works." Maura said, slapping him lightly on the arm. "And yes, she does put up with me like this." Maura said, her voice softening considerably.
"Sounds like love to me." Fred replied, tugging on Maura's arm. "Come on."
Jane looked up as Maura appeared in the doorway, as did Mark, who immediately stood up and walked out, stopping only to give Maura a quick kiss on her cheek. Suddenly feeling awkward, Maura closed the door, but stayed standing. Jane got up, and moved towards her, sensing the discomfort.
"You want to sit down?" Jane asked, looking unsure herself.
"Yes." Maura nodded, and watched as Jane sat down, before moving to sit on the end of the same bed, facing her.
"Guess we need to talk, huh." Jane said as she watched Maura fiddling with the edge of the mosquito netting.
Maura finally looked up. "I still don't know what we can say to each other to make it right." she finally admitted, sadness crossing her features.
"I don't know either, but I do know we've gotta try and get past this Maur..." Jane dipped her head slightly. "I know that since the shooting, I've been... even more angry at the world in general, and I didn't even realize it... I didn't realize until I began to think back just how must more sarcastic I've become, and you seem to have taken the brunt of it. Christ I saw something with Tommy and let my jealousy screw me right up." Jane looked right at Maura, her eyes narrowing slightly. "I still say you should have trusted me over..." Jane stopped with a slight shake of her head. "See, this is what I'm talking about, I'm bringing something up we got past and apologized over, and I shouldn't."
Maura watched, and could see the pain in Jane's eyes, and in that moment, she knew, whatever was causing all this, they had to get through it.
"By the way, whose the blonde woman you came in with?" Jane asked, not really believing there was anything more than friendship, but she was still intrigued about Maura and the level of friendship between the two women. For someone like Maura, who was so socially awkward when Jane first knew her, it struck Jane just how much of a person Maura had grown in to if they had only recently met. She was determined to show Maura how much of that Jane recognized and perhaps hadn't previously.
"You mean Michele?" Maura replied, with a slight tilt of her head, seeing a very quick flash of jealousy that Jane had tried to hide, but couldn't quite.
"I don't know, I guess Michele. Tall, long blonde hair." Jane brought her hand around to the small of her back and with a sideways motion as if she was about to give herself a karate chop, she showed the approximate length of hair she was talking about. "Guess she's what? A nurse?"
"Actually, she's a surgeon, and French. We meet when I first joined back up with MSF before coming here a few weeks ago." Maura saw the flash of jealousy again flit across Jane's features, and could tell Jane was trying not to allow herself to feel the emotion. Maura thought back, trying to work out what could possibly trigger such a reaction.
"You're jealous." Maura came out with it, once she thought back to when she and Michele had first arrived back a the compound.
"No, I'm not." Jane said, looking worried. "Okay, yes, when I first saw you, I wasn't jealous as such, but you looked so close. So friendly." Jane sagged a little. "It's not jealousy Maur... not like that. It's just I suppose I hated seeing someone so close to you, when our friendship had become so broken. I wanted desperately to be that friend. I want us to repair this mess."
Maura nodded, able to understand now what Jane was saying. "Have you really got them to hold my job open?" Maura suddenly asked, earning a look of shock from Jane.
"How?" Jane stopped and shook her head. "Fred, right?" Seeing Maura nod, Jane shook her head again. "I suppose I could be mad at him, but right now I've not got the energy. Yeah, it's open for another 2 weeks. I couldn't hold it longer than two months. I tried for three, but..." Jane's voice drifted off as she watched Maura's reaction.
"That's..." Maura didn't quite know what she felt, other than overwhelmed slightly. She took another breath, as Jane allowed her to carry on. "I was angry when Fred first told me." Maura watched as the look of disappointment fell on Jane's features, and quickly carried on, hating to see she had caused that to happen. "Then I had a few minutes to process what he was telling me, and despite being annoyed you'd had what I felt was the audacity to do that, I also knew you did it for me. So that I didn't potentially lose something I love doing. It would be easy for me to say you did it for selfish reasons, but if there is one thing you aren't Jane, it's selfish."
Maura paused, dipping her head a little, ready for the next confession, which she needed to make. She pulled her head back up. "I had a couple of harsh reminders that I was the one who had been selfish. You were right, I was wrong to just throw this at you, and not give you any kind of time to respond, even if my decision had remained. This is now our time to try and get it right."
Maura could see the relief fall off Jane, whose rigid posture changed in seconds. She fell silent, allowing Jane to process what she had said.
"It means a lot to me that you understand why I did it." Jane finally spoke, "It was Ma who put the idea in my head, and to begin with, I just ignored it, thinking it was a stupid thing. Then your Mother spoke up, saying she agreed with Ma..." Jane looked at Maura, a smirk forming, "And you know what, those two are getting too damned dangerous as they become friends. Damn Maura, they are like an immovable force and with Constance staying at your place, and Ma playing nurse... Would you believe me when I tell you I felt railroaded, and didn't stand a chance?"
Maura chuckled, "Actually, yes I would believe that." Her face changed, and she looked slightly shocked. "Wait, are you saying my Mother is staying at my house, and she and your Mother are now friends?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying!" Jane replied, pleased to see the horror of that realization that Maura was showing was pretty much her own reaction to it all. "We are so screwed!"
Maura brought a hand up on to one cheek, a look of slight horror showing. "Oh my." She said quietly. "It still doesn't mean I understand why you came?"
The question wasn't accusing, and Jane could tell Maura really needed an explanation.
"In simple terms - Maura, you said you love me. I sat down, and I realized I love you as well. I'm not sure how we progress from those sort of declarations, but I knew, that we wouldn't even have that chance until we fixed our friendship. I also needed you to hear my side of things, even where I sit and say where I got things so wrong." Jane swallowed hard. "I've already explained, looking back, it's been a tough thing for me to accept, but shooting myself made me almost hate myself, and I became angry and sarcastic and generally a bear to be around. Yet, you... you balance me out Maura. Each and every time, and I took you for granted. I hate that it happened, but if there is one thing I've learnt, it's I'll never do that again."
Maura nodded, and motioned with a small flick of her hand that Jane could carry on if she wanted.
Jane gave a light smile, before taking another deep breath. "God - I've seen you grow, and show the strength of character you must have always had to be with MSF. Hell, all I could see when Ian came back was he was with you, and I was jealous, and hurt you didn't tell me who he was, or why he was there. Instead of actually asking myself, let alone you, what were your experiences doing things with MSF or with Ian, I would have realized that you have something special to do all this. God Maura, I don't think even you understand how much I admire you having seen what you do, what you've done. It was easy for me just to put you in very limited compartments, social awkward, brilliant, and incredible friend. I look now, and I see a strength that few people have. You are truly special Maura, and even if you don't see it, I do now."
"I'm not special for doing something like this." Maura's modesty immediately came to the fore, as she waved Jane's protests away before she could voice them. "Just look around, and you can see many more people like me doing this. If I hadn't gone in to medicine, then this conversation would be very different."
"I don't believe that for one minute. Sure it might not have been with MSF, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if you would be helping out in some country, not as a doctor, but doing something equally as important, like building a school, or getting some other project off the ground. Dammit Maura, I know you don't want to let me praise you on this, but I need to show you how much I got wrong about you, as a person." Jane was beginning to sound and feel agitated, so she stopped, and took a calming breath. "You, me..." Jane pointed between them. "I know we're different on so many levels, but we work, and somehow we lost sight of something along the way. I'm not sure if it's one big even like the shooting, or a series of smaller ones that we just didn't notice creep up on us. Whatever it is, it's happened, and I know we'll get through the other side. I just want it to be stronger, and with us to have more understanding of how we can make sure it doesn't happen again."
Maura nodded ever so slightly, as she moved, to finally take one of Jane's hands. With deliberate care, she unfurled Jane's fingers, so she could see the scar in the palm. She rubbed her thumb across it gently, Jane, watching carefully, unsure where Maura was going with this. Maura then made sure Jane was looking right at her.
"I think we didn't ever give ourselves chance to fully accept, process and heal from what we've faced together." Maura spoke softly, and it was enough for Jane to feel tears in the corner of her eyes. "While I didn't know you when this occurred." Maura swept her thumb across the scar in a very deliberate motion, "You allowed me in where no-one else could gain entry, even family. That shows how much we are to each other, and I've never fully expressed what a gift you allowing me in has been. Equally, I know you would blame yourself for Hoyt getting close to me," Maura watched Jane stiffen at the memory of the prison hospital. "Yet, we did what has always tended to happen. We moved on, without really talking about it. I've never asked you for example, when I was taken by my father..." Maura watched, wanting to be sure Jane knew she was talking about Doyle. "You answered that phone, and the emotion in your voice was surprising to me, once I had chance to think back on it. Yet, I've never asked you, how did you feel? How did it affect you? I've never discussed how it affected me, not fully. Yes, we might have talked about it, but never in any depth. That has to change."
Jane swallowed hard. "Dammit, you're right." Jane then blew out a breath. "I guess we've just carried on, ignoring the damage it inflicted, but... let's face it, neither one of us is great at talking about our emotions like that. You, because you never knew how to ask, me... because I have to show I'm strong enough to face my daily work, and so I've learnt to knock it down, to bury it."
"Agreed." Maura said, a small smile on her face, her own posture beginning to relax. "We have to accept, this can be between just us, and it doesn't matter if no-one else finds out. It's none of their concern, but it is ours. We need to ensure that we learn how to open up properly. We are so close to doing that already, so lets just make sure work on that last hurdle."
Jane fidgeted a little, before looking at Maura, very aware on how she needed to approach what she wanted to next. Seeing Jane's unease, Maura tried to relax her own posture, tilting her head slightly, to try and show she understood whatever Jane was about to ask, she wasn't overly comfortable about it.
"What made you suddenly react the way you did when I shot Doyle?" Jane swallowed hard, "I mean, it's not as if you'd shown any real need to be close to him before, and suddenly..." Jane's voice drifted as did her resolve, as she saw Maura tense up.
"Maur?" Jane tentatively reached out and placed her hand lightly on Maura's shoulder, and Maura moved ever so slightly, but didn't try to dislodge Jane's hand. After a few seconds Jane's hand dropped away.
"It's difficult to explain. I'm adopted, and while I have no real complaints about my adoptive parents, I found out I had a half brother, but it was too late for me to have any kind of relationship with him. Then Patrick offered to give me the details of my birth mother, and now..." Maura's eyes misted with tears, "Now, I might lose my biological father, and also any chance of knowing who my biological mother is. I don't have a name, or even an idea of who I really am. I need to know my identity Jane. Can you even begin to understand that?"
"You're Maura Isles. Chief medical examiner for Massachusetts, with a brain that is incredible, with a wonderful sense of love, quirkiness and kindness. Isn't that enough?" Jane asked softly, and was pleased to see that Maura didn't take her question as a challenge, but as genuine need to know what was going on in her head.
"No." Maura's reply was immediate. "I didn't think it was important, but Colin and Patrick changed that. I realized I've always wanted to know, that the desire to know my true roots has always been there. I listen to people who have gone online and researched their family, and I listen to Mother and Father talk about the Isles family, but I can't research my true heritage because I have no idea where to begin. I'm missing a piece of me Jane, and I want to find it – even if it means having Patrick as my father. I could accept if I had no means of finding out, but Colin's arrival in my morgue meant I went from nothing, to suddenly finding I could ask the questions, and I wanted them answered if possible. Then Patrick gave me at least some answers, but not the most important..."
"Your birth mother." Jane finished, her hand clasping Maura's tightly with understanding, as her other hand came out, and she gently wiped the tears that were now running down Maura's cheeks.
"So, I need to try and find her, and we..." Maura's own hand reached up and covering Jane's across her cheek as her tears lessened, and she brought both co-joined hands down together between them. "We have to work through the issues from all we've had to face, once and for all. We both need therapy to work through it."
Jane visibly baulked at the words, and Maura held on tightly as she felt the slightest of tugs as Jane tried to pull away. "No." Jane then said firmly. "I know we've got to talk about it Maur... but no shrink."
Maura sighed, wondering if they were ever going to get past all that had happened to them. She knew, deep down, the next few minutes really were make or break in terms of their friendship, let alone any possible relationship.