A/N - Okay, so sorry doesn't seem enough to have left this story for so long. Especially since it won on the Rizzles Fanfiction awards for best end of season 2 story. Thank you everyone who voted. I was just so grateful to get a nomination. To win was a complete shock.
My absence has been for a number of different reasons - including serious illness, and latterly, just complete and utter disillusionment over the direction a certain show runner took the show. So when I felt well enough to write - I just felt so depressed with the overall story being churned out, I couldn't find the motivation to do more.
However, I sat down, rewatched seasons one and two, and reminded myself why I had enjoyed the series enough to actually write about it! So, while this isn't the longest chapter I've ever written - it is what I hope it something. This story was beginning to wind down anyway - so I do promise it will get finished.
Secondly, many thanks for both beta's - who are also busy in real life. I had to wait a while to get this up due to their own stuff going on. I could have posted without any beta work, but I didn't want to risk it, especially having left it so long.
So - any mistakes are mine, and despite trying to avoid them, I'm certain there are going too many for comfort - but, here is another instalment.
Chapter fifteen
Maura pulled Jane across into her body, so they were curled up on the sofa, the television on low. As Jane acquiesced, Maura sighed contently. They had finally said their goodbyes to everyone, and the house was back to being their own.
"As lovely as it was, I do enjoy having our home back."
Jane blinked, as she took in Maura's words, which she knew had been spoken without any deeper meaning to them. In truth, she also thought of Maura's as their home now. Her apartment was becoming little more than a storage unit. In fact, although they had spent the first couple of nights there when they had come back from Africa, apart from having to go back for items needed, Jane hadn't even thought of returning. She shifted slightly, so she could look at Maura properly, who was now regarding her with some surprise showing about her switch in demeanor.
"I want to move in."
The words were out of Jane's mouth before she could censor them in anyway. For a split second, Jane felt the panic rising, but that disappeared almost as quickly. She smiled, her face softening, as she watched the myriad of emotions playing across Maura's face - from complete shock, to questioning, to finally what looked very much like joy. Her fingers came out, and gently traced along Jane's jawline.
"Are you sure?" Maura finally asked, as her hand dropped away, but it stayed close, and Jane intertwined their fingers.
"I've never been more sure. I practically live here anyway, and it might seem fast for some, but lets face it - we both admit we've been dating for the last two to three years, without actually dating. We're doing well in Sam's sessions, even she's said as much. I want this Maura. I really do."
"If you're sure..."
Jane knew Maura was just trying to take time to organize her thoughts; that she needed to not only process it all, but to ensure there wasn't any misunderstanding. Jane knew there had been far too much of that in their past, particularly recently.
Jane leaned in, her lips hardly touching Maura's before she pulled back, only enough to for their foreheads to meet.
"I've never been more sure of anything in my life." Jane's words were barely said above a whisper, and she felt rather than saw Maura relax as she'd spoken.
"You do realize you're setting yourself up for closer contact with your mother."
Jane smirked, as she moved again, this time so she could look at Maura properly, fingers now entwined, "She's already in our lives, so I might as well just accept she's not going anywhere fast."
Maura leaned in, needing as much contact with Jane as she could manage without actually sitting in her lap, "How about you give her your old apartment? I could always buy it outright so there's no mortg …"
Jane put a hand up, "Whoa there. Slow your roll; for one thing, Ma has already told me, on more than one occasion, that I have a crappy little apartment. And as for you spending more money for her, please, no … don't."
Maura knew that Jane always felt slightly uncomfortable about her wealth, even though Maura had been at pains to tell her several times most was tied up in charitable trusts or charities in general. It still left her with an good disposable income each month, primarily because her own job automatically paid out a good six figure yearly sum, far above pretty much all police pay grades.
"At least don't discount it completely, please?"
Sighing, Jane nodded slightly before she kissed Maura, then they settled back down to continue watching the television.
"We covered a lot in the last few sessions, including how before Hoyt, you had no real friendship, even on a working level. That after Hoyt's first attack, whilst Maura still didn't know you Jane, it was the catalyst for a friendship that deepened. However, we left it on you in hospital after the shooting at the precinct, and the reason why you pushed Maura away." Sam took a second, watching Jane and Maura's reactions carefully.
"We do need to look at this." Sam stated as she watched a grimace appear on both Jane and Maura's features. "So, Jane, can you explain why you pushed Maura away so much once you were released from the hospital? You have already alluded to the fact that Maura saw you in a weak moment. Why was that such a powerful emotion it meant you actually pushed her away at a time when most people would have been leaning on their best friends, even if you weren't able to lean on family."
Jane scrubbed a hand down her face, before taking a deep breath, "I did want Maura there, that's what so fucked up about all this." Jane finally admitted, keeping her eyes fixed firmly on Sam, knowing she couldn't bring herself to look at Maura - not yet at least.
"And yet you pushed her away." Sam's words weren't accusing, just questioning.
"Yeah. Damn, I near enough pushed everyone away. I couldn't even see Frankie once I knew he was okay and safe. He came to see me in the hospital a few times because he was released long before I was - and Ma - hell, you think I'm stubborn? She takes it to another level, and it was just her sheer determination to be there that meant I couldn't keep her away. I tried, but she kept coming back. Like a damn cockroach after a nuclear event..."
Jane did turn to look at Maura, and grinned, seeing Maura was trying desperately not to jump in there with facts about cockroaches and nuclear events; Jane gave permission with a subtle nod of her head, and Maura was off.
"As much as I find some of their methods scientific worrying, Mythbusters did a study that showed that around ten percent of the middle group they had survived after thirty days. They started with a baseline exposure of 1,000 radon units - otherwise known as rads - of cobalt 60, capable of killing a person in ten minutes, and followed it up with 10,000 and 100,000 rad exposures on separate groups. As a comparison, the bomb on Hiroshima emitted radioactive gamma rays at a strength of around 10,000 rads. Although none survived in the 100,000 rad exposure. It's quite fascinating."
Finally taking a breath, Maura sat back again, as Jane watched her talk quickly, her grin widening. Taking Maura's nearest hand, Jane then looked back at Sam, who was also smiling.
"So yeah, Ma is a like a cockroach, and kept reappearing. I kinda gave up trying to keep her away, and besides, I reckoned she was at least keeping Frankie and Maura in the loop, and..."
"She didn't." Maura spoke so softly, Jane almost missed hearing her. With a shocked expression she turned to look back at Maura, who looked uncomfortable at having admitted what had happened, or rather, what hadn't happened. "Angela didn't tell me, or I believe Frankie, since he didn't say otherwise. Well, anything beyond telling us you were worse than a squirmy six year old, and driving her to distraction but healing."
"I..." Jane turned to Sam, a look of complete shock on her face, before she looked back at Maura, "Shit, Maura... I had no idea." Jane felt the unexpected sting of tears, and for once, didn't try to fight them as a couple slowly rolled down her cheeks. "I thought you were being kept informed by Ma, ya know. Not every single thing, but enough to keep you from worrying... It's why I thought you stayed away, because you were getting enough from Ma, and knew I needed time away from everyone to... Just recover."
Maura felt her own eyes misting up, as she tightened her hold on Jane's hand ever so slightly, "I stayed away because Angela said you weren't ready to see anyone and occasional updates that looking back were little more than minimal pieces of news that you were healing. I had no idea you thought we were getting more details than we were."
Maura looked at Sam imploringly, worried that Jane wasn't even trying to hold back the crying that was now affecting her, and Sam smiled at her reassuringly, before she pushed a wad of tissues into Jane's free hand. Sam waited patiently for Jane to compose herself, before she spoke up.
"Jane, why did you feel the need to recover without visitation from friends and other family?"
Jane sighed, before leaning into her elbows, that she'd placed on her knees, "This is going to sound so messed up, but it was the second time I had taken a decision that nearly cost me my life…"
"Hoyt?" The question from Sam was gentle, and Jane nodded her head.
"Yeah. It wasn't the same I know, but on both occasions I didn't see the danger…"
Maura sat stiffly, trying desperately not to interrupt Jane, and feeling her discomfort, Jane tightened her fingers slightly in Maura's.
"Look I know Maura is going to tell me why I couldn't have seen it, but damn it all, it was a cop I knew. I trusted him. I had no idea he was dirty until it was too late. It reminded me of the poor decisions I made with Hoyt first time around."
"But this time was different. Why?" Sam probed.
"Because this time damn it after I came around and began to think it over, once my mind wasn't bogged down with pain and drugs, I began to seriously question if I could still be a Detective."
Maura sat even more upright and stiffened again, which had felt seemingly impossible to do. She took in a deep breath, and closed her eyes before looking back at Jane. who was watching her carefully.
"Why couldn't you trust me with that information?"
"Because I know you would have told me why I shouldn't have quit. How it wasn't my fault. I know you wouldn't let me think that."
"Oh Jane." Maura leaned in, trying to get warmth and as much contact with Jane as possible.
"Is Jane correct in her assessment in how you would have reacted Maura?"
"I … I honestly don't know, but I suspect yes, I would have told her immediately as to why she was wrong to consider leaving. Why she wasn't to blame for failing to realize Morino was a dirty cop. That he'd fooled pretty much everyone who worked with him, or at least was in contact on a regular basis."
"Jane, why tell Maura now?"
"Because you asked?" Jane said with a slight smirk and a wink to Maura, before taking another deep breath, "because I also want her to know that despite knowing she'll sometimes say something I don't always want to hear, I realize now just how much is done because she loves me, and only wants the best for me at all times."
"Oh Jane," The words were barely above a whisper, but the emotion was clear.
Sam smiled, and scribbled some more on her notepad, as Jane leaned in and kissed Maura's cheek on her words. Sam then tore off a piece of paper, before handing it across to Jane and Maura.
Jane read it first, and looked up slightly surprised, before handing it over to Maura, who read it quickly.
"Time for me to sign you two off," Sam then said once she knew both had read it. She then stood up, and waited for Jane and Maura to do the same. She put a hand out, and Jane shook it, "If you do need me at any time, you know where I am."
A/N - I promise more is being written and will posted as soon as I can get around to it. So sorry again it's taken forever to get even this up!