a/n: I'm so sorry it took me so long to update. My mother and i had a bit of a spat over the pairing I'm writing about. Some things were said, and unfortunately it left me with a bit of a nasty writer's block. Either way, I'm not entirely pleased with this chapter, but it's the only thing i could bring myself to publish and if it's not satisfying, please let me know; I'll be happy to change it. Unless the suggestion is like super flamey or insulting:)

Oh, P.S. Thoughts are in italics.

Sirius heard Remus' sigh as he shifted in bed, and wished his curtains weren't so tightly drawn. Which way was he facing? Was he looking at Sirius? If he could see anything, even just his hand or knee-maybe even just his pinky toe- he wouldn't feel nearly as uneasy.

He wouldn't be left with so many questions.

But at least it was comforting that he wasn't the only one awake, though it was hard to tell with Peter and James' snores echoing throughout the stone chamber. He knew Remus, and even if he hadn't had the most confusing and stressful and exhausting night he'd still be awake. On nights they both couldn't sleep, Sirius remembered he'd always climb into Remus' bed, especially the weeks right after he'd been disowned, because shameful as it was, he would've cried himself to sleep if Remus hadn't kept him talking. Seeing as he didn't hold any love for any of them at all, he had been loathe to admit to James or Peter how he felt, but he hadn't had to admit to Remus. Remus just knew.

What would he do if i crawled in with him right now? He knew Remus was confused-he was confused as well- but would that keep him from treating Sirius like he usually did? He opened his mouth a few times to ask, but closed it right away. He didn't even know if he wanted to actually be welcome in Remus' bed or just wanted to know that he would be. Best for him to gather his own thoughts before asking for Remus'.

He rarely approached things logically, unlike Remus who would think about decisions for weeks if he was left alone long enough, but he sincerely doubted Remus would be pleased if he wanted to jump in headfirst to his exploration of the subject and think later. Especially right now when he was most likely trying very hard to fall asleep. But, given no other options, he supposed he could be semi-content to just think for now.

He could probably ask Remus why he had done it. But he supposed he didn't really need to know why as much as what effect it would have on the two of them. Or maybe not the effect on both of them as much as the effect on him. or maybe not even what the effect was so much as why it was affecting him so much. He was the unflappable Sirius Black, and it had just been a kiss, hadn't it?

Of course it was just a kiss, and not the best one ever either. Sure, Remus had done some fantastic things with his tongue and when their teeth clicked once or twice it had been like lightening down his spine but that doesn't mean it was any good. After all, he was straight. He just spent an entire night flirting with girls, trying to get a quick snog in a corner at least. One mildly brilliant kiss wouldn't change that. Even if he did occasionally find himself watching Remus more than James or Peter-Peter was too chubby for his taste anyway and James was too much taller to comfortably and casually observe-and even now was still pondering the merits of climbing in bed with Remus. He was just a snuggler and that meant absolutely nothing.

Even if he had been a tad disappointed when Moony broke the kiss and ran off that meant less than nothing. After all, he was probably a victim of raging hormones and a little too much alcohol. He was entirely prone to irrational feelings.

But Remus had looked so...broken when he had pulled away, so uncertain and exhausted, it had pulled at Sirius' heart more than any lewd comment by the girls he conversed with ever did. But that was just concern for a friend who had had too much to drink, after all. In fact, he had been so worried about Remus that he had left the crowd of girls he was chatting with, and hung out with James and Peter the rest of the night. And if it had been so painful to see Remus' curtains drawn when they came upstairs that he began spewing airheaded nonsense, it was no indicator of his more than friendly feelings.

Of course, he would have to teach Remus how to kiss better before he released him into the world. It probably would have been better had he joined in. He had been so shocked-a good shock, of course. He was pleased to see Remus finally cutting loose and having fun-that he didn't even think to respond. They might have to try it again. After all it wasn't like they didn't both want to.

Wait where did that come from? Sirius refused to address those peculiar thoughts before moving on, but was not pleased with where they went instead. For some reason he found himself rethinking over all of his excuses. It was like the shameful proofread of a history of magic essay after staying up until the odd hours of the morning writing cockamamie analyses of various goblin wars: in short, painful.

Remus running off had led to him abandoning his search to hang out with his lovesick friend and his scared-of-his-own-shadow friend, eventually carrying the former up seven flights of stairs. All the while, he was left wishing Remus hadn't run off, feeling his lips and marveling at what had taken place. His heart had been fluttering and he kept thinking of Remus' face and his soft, brown eyes that were always calmly taking in information. Try as he might to deny it he had felt something which hadn't been felt because of a girl. If he had really wanted a snog or more he could have asked any of the girls surrounding him. But he had been waiting for that spark, for that lightning that flashed down his spine when Remus kissed him, and it just wasn't there in all those girls.

Sirius sat bolt upright, a gasp caught in his throat causing him to cough. When he got a hold of his ragged breathing, he rested his head in his hands and brought his knees to his chest. Holy fuck, I'm gay.

After a while, his breathing slowed and he laid back down, eyes once again fixed on Remus' curtains, willing them to open, but he could faintly hear Remus' even breathing beneath the snores of the others and knew he was asleep. Is this why Remus always thinks instead of acting? He mused over how much more efficient it was than his other methods of dealing with unknowns, eyes still fixed on where he supposed Remus lay. Vaguely, he heard him mumble and roll over in his sleep, and for a moment he was breathless. Merlin, he's so cute. He froze, then groaned and rolled over on his back. A minute ago he had been stubbornly straight and now he was calling his best mate cute? "Good gods, Remus. We really need to talk." he whispered to the air before finally falling into a fitful sleep.