AN: Everyone - re: "a mastectomy?!"... Welcome to the reality for a majority of women with breast cancer :-(. As the surgeon told Alex, each woman's surgery/journey is different to the next, and I chose the mastectomy path for this particular story. jbcjazz - re: "I Love Indian food"... Ditto! Indian, Chinese and Italian are my faves (in no particular order). The dishes I used are some of my faves, especially with coconut rice. " I hope they get together soon. Would love to see the reaction of the the three b* tchkateers seeing them together and Alex having cancer. See if they have hearts at all or truly just witches"... Patience, patience and patience ;-). The Dark Knight's Princess - re: "Oh my gosh I cried during this chapter, no lie. But then again, I cry over anything"... I know exactly what you mean about crying over anything ;-) I laughed and cried writing that last chapter, cried writing this chapter, and I've bawled my eyes out writing several parts/chapters of 'Negotiating' because there are some elements that are somewhat vaguely personal in that story. peterpeter - re: "i think they should put itching powder and hot sauce on the dildos"...ROFL! Sadist ;-). Bkwrmchar - "I'm glad Alex and Liv were able to laugh. Laughter really helps."... Best medicine EVER. giggi91 - re: "Lol at the end note. Way to drasticly change the mood :)"... Completely unintentional ;-) LBM - re: "Oh my GOD! I can't believe this story! It's so good! Though I do have to say that Negotiating it better! :) Sorry, my opinion!"... Thankyou! :-). To be honest, 'Negotiating' is my "first born" and "pride and joy". To me, it's the story I'm most proud of :-) (I'd never have thought 150,000+ words would be possible for me, and we're maybe half way?) It was the story I'd been wanting to write for quite a while, but could never figure out how. 'Her Negotiation' was the catalyst that helped get me to write it. This story (aka: ISBY), I wanted to be completely different to 'Negotiating', hence the inclusion of Abbie, Serena and Casey.

"I want a second opinion!" Alex finally found her voice after she got over the initial shock of being informed she was to have a mastectomy.

"And you're entitled to ask for, and seek a second opinion. But I will tell you now, every single good surgeon in Manhattan, in New York City in fact, will give you the same opinion as I have: a modified radical mastectomy. Any surgeon that suggests you have a lumpectomy and 'hope for the best' is not a surgeon worth going to." Doctor Marie Campbell gave Alex an empathetic smile from the other side of the desk, "I do understand the feelings you're going through right now with the thought of losing your breast."

"Says the woman with both her breasts! I bet you say that to all your patients," the blonde muttered loud enough for both Liv and the doctor to hear.

"Alex!" Olivia chastised.

"She's not the one getting her breast cut off Olivia, I am! I think you'd be asking the same question and reacting the same way if you were getting one of your 'girls' chopped off!"

Doctor Campbell was unperturbed by Alex's retorts, "Actually Alex... even after your surgery, you will still have more breasts than I have."

"I find that very hard to believe," Alex scoffed, eyeing the cleavage of Doctor Campbell hidden beneath her blouse and coat.

"These," Doctor Campbell indicated each of her own breasts, "are breast forms."

Alex arched an eyebrow, "Pardon me?! Breast what?"

"Breast forms. These are both prosthetic breasts that I'm wearing," Doctor Campbell took one of the largish cube boxes from the shelf behind her desk and placed it in front of her. "I had a double mastectomy, also known as bilateral surgery, just on 3 years ago. My oldest sister, my mother, her sisters, her mother, her grandmother... they all died from breast cancer. Seems my mother's side of the family was and is predisposed to get breast cancer. We have what we now know is the BRCA gene, so I had preventative surgery, as did my younger sister. I lost both my breasts, and I also lost my husband for choosing the surgery. He couldn't handle the thought of his wife not having voluptuous breasts any more... didn't think I would be a woman any more."

"You're kidding?" Olivia said, her jaw dropping in disbelief.

"I wish I was. But in having the surgery, I gained life and I now have a loving fiancé. I don't want to speak out of place and offend either of you ladies, but he doesn't care that I don't have my breasts any more, he loves me unconditionally and has done so for a long time. But I chose to get these prosthetic breasts to give me back my self confidence, and feel normal again. I won't lie Alex, having one of your breast removed will make you feel somewhat lopsided. Getting a prosthetic will help you regain a form of normality. It can also help prevent lymphoedema, lessen chances of neck and shoulder problems and help maintain your natural posture."

Marie opened the box, removed the sample silicone breast form from its cradle and passed it to Olivia when Alex didn't move. "They're not as perfect as the real thing, of course, but they are improving the shapes and textures remarkably these days. They warm up with skin contact and after a few times wearing them, you do forget that you're wearing them and that they're fake. The only time you remember is when you take it off at night and put it on in the morning. Mine obviously fooled you well enough, Alex. Breast forms come in all different shapes, cup sizes and skin tones now. This particular model is a 2 layer breast form, ideal for younger, older or smaller breasted women. You will need to get new pocketed mastectomy bras as they help the prosthesis sit comfortably. But don't panic, they make quite tasteful and less utilitarian mastectomy bras these days. They understand women want to look and feel good and just because you lose your breast, doesn't mean you can't still be sexy. About 6 months back I had a 70 year old patient, bilateral surgery, she chose breast forms a few sizes smaller to what she had been and said she looking forward to getting a leopard print and a lacy red bra for the first time! Her words: 'No more beige. New boobs, new bras!'."

Even though this particular breast form was silicone and lacked an areola, Olivia noted it felt as heavy and pliable as the real thing and had a small slightly raised circle moulded into it where the nipple would be. The reverse side had numerous little clear silicone adhesive contact spheres to allow the skin to still breathe when it made contact to the chest wall.

Noting Alex had gone completely silent, Liv asked the questions to hopefully get Alex to at least listen. "Why new bras? What's wrong with the ones Alex has now?"

"The thinner shoulder straps can contribute to lymphoedema, too much pressure in one small area. The straps need to be that little more wider to distribute the weight evenly to help prevent it, particularly for the first few months after surgery. Also the mastectomy bras have pockets in the bra cups so you can put the prosthetic inside there if you don't want it resting directly against your chest wall."

"What's lymphoedema? I've heard of it before, but don't know what it actually is, other than it's obviously something to do with the lymph glands." Olivia prompted.

"You're correct with your assumption of it being connected to the lymph glands, lymphoedema is caused by a compromised lymphatic system and basically is a localised fluid retention and tissue swelling. Seeing I have to remove a couple of lymph nodes for testing, this is a possibility for Alex. You may have seen women with a single swollen arm out and about in the city, this is a possibility of occurring some time after a mastectomy, but usually after several lymph nodes have been removed. There is lymphatic massage that can help decrease the possibility of developing lymphoedema or compression bandages and garments. But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. Surgery first, a soft filled breast form in the weeks after depending on how fast you heal, then a silicone one."

Olivia realised this was Alex's reality as she passed the breast prosthesis to the ADA.

"So this is my only option? A mastectomy?" Alex looked down at the breast form in her hand, wiping away an escaping tear with the other.

"As a surgeon, for me to recommend you having a mastectomy is not a decision I make lightly or flippantly. But it is the decision I've had to make for you as my patient."

"Can't I have... I don't know... breast reconstruction?" the blonde bartered, the pleading tone quite audible.

"For that to be a possibility, there has to be enough breast tissue to do so. Because you're small breasted in addition to the size of the lump, I'm sorry to say it's not an option in your case."

"Wonderful... just wonderful. I've been small breasted all my life, and now I get to be one breasted."

"You do have an advantage though. As I said earlier, there are pros and cons for each type of surgery. I had a very long recovery after surgery because I was much larger breasted than the prosthetics I wear now. Again, I don't want to speak out of turn, but Olivia would also have a longer recovery time if she were ever to have similar surgery too. Alex, your recovery time the surgery will be much shorter."

"Lucky me," murmured Alex under her breath as she handed the prosthetic breast back to Doctor Campbell.

The unmistakable noise of Alex's high heels against concrete was the only sound that broke the deafening silence between the 2 women, as they walked back to Alex's car in the hospital car park after the surgeon's appointment.

"Alex? Are you alright?" Liv asked, stopping a few feet from the vehicle.

"I'm fine. Everything's fine." Arms folded across her chest, Alex tried to brush past the brunette but was stopped when Liv reached her hand out and gently grasped her bicep.

"Don't bullshit to me, Alex. I've known you too long to know something's not right. Talk to me, tell me what you're thinking... what's going on in that mind of yours? You've barely spoken a word since you handed back the prosthetic breast form to Doctor Campbell... and that was almost 20 minutes ago."

Alex fought back the tears suddenly threatening to spill down her cheeks, "I just want to go home now, forget everything the surgeon said, and get on with my life... what's left of it anyway."

"What's left of it?! Stage 1 is 95-98% survival, remember? That's best case scenario in my books. I don't even want to think what the survival rates are for the other stages... if you hadn't had that mammogram now, what stage would it be in 2 years time?"

The gravity of the situation was all too much for Alex to take and the tears finally overwhelmed her. Alex's body wracking sobs broke Olivia's heart and in an instant she wrapped her arms around the blonde's lithe frame and held her close for emotional support. A few tears pricked the detective's eyes as she continued to comfort the distraught younger woman, rubbing soothing lines up and down the ADA's back and gently stroking her blonde tresses. Liv didn't care that they were standing in the middle of a carpark, Alex needed her right now more than ever.

A long time passed before Alex mumbled something incoherent as her face was buried in the curve of Olivia's neck.

"Alex sweetie, I missed that."

Hiccuping a sob, Alex moved her head so that her chin was resting on Olivia's shoulder, "Who's going to want me?"

The brunette pulled back slightly, "What do you mean?"

"Liv, be honest with me... who's going to want me now? Who's going to want a one breasted woman in her forties that prefers the company of women, especially in the bedroom? I can't even keep the woman I had when I have both of my breasts? How the fuck am I going find someone to be with after all this is over when I have just one... and a fake one."

"Me... I would." Olivia's inner monologue correcting her reply with, 'I do! I want you! I've wanted you for years, Alex.'

"You're just saying that because your my friend. You have to say things like that, you feel sorry for me and what's happened to me these last few days."

"Remember what Doctor Campbell said, she lost both her breasts and her husband. She found someone who loves her unconditionally after what happened, they'd loved her for some time. Now she's engaged to marry him."

"Seems I've never been fortunate to have found someone like that. Robert didn't really want me, he wanted the combination of old money, political power and a trophy wife that came back from the dead. Jim didn't even want me, he just wanted to sleep with his boss... which he successfully did. Abbie wanted kids, I waited too long and she went elsewhere. Noone's ever wanted me for me, now noone ever will because I won't be me. I won't even be a whole woman, I'll be what... three quarters, or maybe two thirds of a woman?"

"You think that's what makes you a woman, or makes you Alex Cabot? Your breasts? Now your sounding as shallow like the doctor's ex-husband. Your courage, your fortitude, your caring, your tenacity, your vivaciousness and your feistiness... that's what makes you Alex Cabot, not what's on your chest."

"Like I said, it not you getting chopped up. Forget it, you don't understand."

"So make me understand!"

For a long time Alex stayed silent, swiping away stray tears, unable or unwilling to explain.

Liv tried a different approach, "If the roles were reversed right now, would you be letting me think about not having the surgery?"

"Of course not!" Alex's eyes widened.

"Then why are you?"

Alex shrugged, "I guess it's different when it's yourself."

Olivia made sure she had the blonde's undivided attention before she spoke, "You listen to me. I would rather you be one breasted than dead, because that's the reality if you don't have the surgery. I already know what it's like to be under the assumption that your dead, that was 2 days too long in my books. I don't want you to die before you have to, I don't want that to happen for another 50 years! But if you don't have the surgery, it'd probably be more like 5 years! Now Alex, what's more important to you? Your life, or your breast?"

"My life." Alex whispered, her eyes downcast.

Olivia pressed a gentle kiss to Alex's cheek, "Right answer."