AN: iamtheunknown15/guest - re: "Liv almost confessing her feelings"... I know. But in a way, she did confess ;-). Trust me it'll happen... soonish. jbcjazz/The Dark Knight's Princess - re: "my emotional writing style"... Thankyou for the compliments and feedback :-). You honestly have no idea how much it means to me seeing I didn't complete my high school education. I just write from the heart to try and show the emotions I believe the character/s could go through in these types of situations :-) giggi91 - re: "Yay for the update!"... I'd intended to update this story before the new year, but was working diligently on my other story. I'm trying to alternate between both stories fairly though :-). Back to working on 'Negotiating' after this chapter. "Why not the option of a breast implant? And why doesn't the doctor have them?"... I'm certainly not a medical expert and have no real medical knowledge apart from personal experience and 'Dr Google', so what I say next might be completely wrong: From what I understand the surgeon told my own mother with her recent mastectomy, there has to be some breast tissue and skin effectively 'left over and/or spare' from the initial mastectomy surgery for that to occur immediately after removal, otherwise the skin is too 'tight' over the implant. Otherwise it's more major surgery with skin grafts etc later on. My mother (who is small breasted) would've taken the reconstruction/implant if that had been an option, but in her case it wasn't an option. A breast prosthetic was though. But as I said, I'm not an expert and could very well be wrong. In all honestly, I'm not trying to make Alex seem shallow, but I want Alex to journey through all those emotions women go through with this type of surgery, and realise that it's not the end of the world by losing her breast and someone loves her unconditionally ;-). Where as Alex could possibly see herself differently after surgery and not 'whole', Olivia still sees her as the same woman because she is the same woman (especially significant if I decide to write 'M' later on. Yeah, I'm willing to go there). I hope this helps explain why I've chosen this particular path for Alex :-). Oh, and there is a reason why Doctor Marie personally didn't get implants/reconstruction after her bilateral surgery and opted for breast forms. This will be addressed later when Alex goes to have surgery :-).
Still standing in the middle of the car park, Olivia placed her fingers under Alex's chin and gently raised the ADA's head, "Now, do you want to go back to Doctor Campbell and see if that surgery appointment for next Monday is still available?"
Alex shook her head, "No."
Olivia gave the blonde woman a highly unimpressed look, "Alex!"
"Next Monday, it's too soon. Maybe... maybe I'll see if there's one available in... in a few months time? Yeah. We... ahh... we have a lot of cases coming up, Liv. Quite important cases to prosecute! I can't take time away with such short notice. That wouldn't be fair on the squad, or on Casey!"
"I'm sure Mike Cutter would be able to get another ADA to fill in for you during your recovery and any subsequent treatment that you might have."
"Do you know how difficult it would be to bring another ADA up to date in such a short time on some of our pending cases?" Alex tried to justify.
"No, I don't. But the longer you leave the surgery, the more time that lump gets to grow."
"It's small, remember! Really tiny, if you think about it."
"I don't care if it's the size of a grain of rice, a chickpea or a grape! Do you have any idea how aggressive cancer can be? How aggressive this cancerous lump you have in your breast could be?"
"I know how aggressive you are right now!" Alex's sarcasm clearly evident in her tone, masking her true fear.
"I'm going to ignore that remark." Liv ran a hand though her hair, letting out a frustrated sigh, "Damnit Alex, it could grow or maybe even metastasize in the few months you put it off. I can't believe your even considering not having the surgery. Aren't you the same woman that not 2 days ago was berating me for not having a mammogram or a recent pap smear? Saying these things were important?"
The blonde avoided eye contact, "Yes."
"So why are you being like this? This surgery is important! This surgery will save your life!"
Alex snapped, "You want to know why? I'm scared, Olivia! Actually, terrified would be a better descriptive. I'm terrified to have the surgery!"
Liv softened her voice, "I don't blame you, it's major surgery. But I'm terrified of what will happen to you if you don't have the surgery!"
"It's not just the cancer. I'm also terrified... because..." the ADA trailed off.
"Because?" Liv prompted.
Tears began to escape Alex's eyes again, "Because the last time I was a patient in a hospital having surgery, I died!"
"Oh sweetheart, you're not going to die in hospital." Olivia started to wipe the tears sliding down Alex's cheeks with her thumbs while cradling her cheeks.
"I died on the operating table, Olivia! They told me I'd died when I woke up. That's why it was so easy for the doctors to inform you that had died before I found out I'd entered WPP, because I actually did die for a time."
"Completely different circumstances this time. It's not a gun shot wound and you won't bleed out like back then. You just said they told you that you died when you woke up." Olivia placed her hand over Alex's heart, "You feel that? Your heart beating and pumping blood? You lived! You're alive now! You won't die having the surgery, but you will die if you don't have the surgery."
Alex placed her hand on top of Olivia's for a moment before wiping away a stray tear, "I don't want to die in hospital again. I don't want to be alone in there."
Liv moved her hand away, "You won't be alone. I'll take the entire day off the day of your surgery, and I'll be there with you right up until you're wheeled into theatre. I won't even leave the hospital... I'll wait for you during the surgery and be there the moment you're out of surgery. I'll be the first face you see when you wake up. I'm your medical proxy, remember. I can be there with you."
"I can't ask you to do all that. You have work."
"You don't have to ask, I've offered and already decided I will. Now, do I have to threaten you with my medical proxy power to overrule your decision and make you have the surgery?"
Shaking her head Alex said reluctantly, "No... I'll have the surgery."
"Good," Liv smiled and took Alex's hand in her own. "Come on."
Alex was puzzled as Olivia began to lead them both away from the car, "Where are we going?"
"Back to see Doctor Campbell."
Reentering the specialist surgeon suite within Mount Sinai hospital, Alex and Olivia saw Doctor Campbell ushering a visibly upset and frightened younger woman and gentleman towards her office. She indicated for the young couple to take a seat inside and informed them she would be with them in just a few minutes.
As Doctor Campbell approached, Alex opened her mouth to speak but realised she couldn't voice what she needed to. She chanced a quick look at Olivia for support. The detective gave a minute nod of her head to indicate she understood what Alex needed help with.
"I was getting worried I wouldn't see you ladies again," Doctor Marie Campbell gave a kind smile. "Or that Alex might have opted for a lumpectomy with another surgeon."
"We just needed to take some time and talk a few things over. Our concerns and worries... fears." Olivia explained.
"That's good. Communication is very important during this time."
"We would like to know if that surgical appointment for next Monday morning still available for Alex?"
"Yes, it is. Would you like to book in for the surgery?"
"No." Alex instantly replied with a whisper.
Olivia confirmed with a gentle reassuring squeeze to Alex's hand, "Yes, we would."
Alex reconfirmed Olivia's words with a hint of hesitance, "Yes... I would." She took a deep breath to build her courage, "I will."
"I'm glad to hear. Karen, my receptionist over there... she'll book you in for next Monday and give you the information pamphlets that will help you prepare for your procedure. It'll help answer any questions you might have before the surgery and what to expect, even though it never really prepares you for the reality. I know it's a difficult surgery to have, physically and emotionally, but you've made the right choice Alex. I'll see you both in 10 days just before the surgery. Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I have a new patient to see."
"Thankyou Olivia," Alex turned to face the brunette as they exited the elevator returning them back to the hospital car park.
"What for?"
"For making me see sense... helping me make the correct decision," Alex indicated the manila folder containing the paperwork and pamphlets in her hand. "A very scary decision, but the right decision nonetheless. I don't think Abbie would've given me that reality check like you did. She would've just let me make my decision and gone with whatever I chose... and I think my decision would have been very wrong. I mean, I know my decision was wrong."
"That's what friends do... what people who really care about you do."
"Serena's really lucky to have someone like you... even if she's just your Ms Right Now." Alex lamented.
"Yeah, lucky me." Olivia changed the subject, "Hey! You want to grab early dinner or something?"
"I would, but I'd also like to go over these pamphlets with you... if that's alright? So we both understand what's going to happen."
"I think that's a really smart idea. So, take out again?"
"I love the way you think. How about Greek?"
Upon entering the lobby of Alex's apartment building, Alex and Olivia could hear quite a loud commotion.
"Aww, c'mon Gregory! Let me up there!"
"I'm sorry, I can't allow it. I must insist you leave."
Abbie.
"You're honestly telling me she took my name off the list?! I've been staying here most of the time for the last 2 years! I have a key!"
"Ms Carmichael, I'm just following my instructions. I don't want to have to say this but if you don't remove yourself from these premises promptly, I will call the police and have you arrested for trespassing."
Running a hand through her long raven locks, Abbie turned to leave but immediately spied the SVU ladies approaching side by side.
"Do we have a problem here, Gregory?" Liv called out, easily slipping in to police mode.
"I hope not, Detective Benson. I've asked Ms Carmichael to leave, as per my instructions. But if you need to physically escort her I will get additional security if necessary."
"Hopefully it won't come to that." Liv glared, her hand resting on the small of Alex's back reassuringly as Alex gripped her attaché case tightly with both hands.
Abbie smirked, "Well, well, well. Looks like I was right all along, Alexandra. You couldn't keep away from Olivia. So you have been seeing her behind my back."
"3 days ago I would have been denying having an affair with Olivia... yet again! But the bullshit you just spewed makes you look even more pathetic, Abigail. You're the one that's been having the affair, FOR THE LAST YEAR! You admitted it! Or has your short term memory suddenly been affected by the truth?"
"Maybe too much sex made me forget?" shrugged Abbie. "Well, you know what they say... sometimes you gotta go elsewhere when you don't get what you want."
Alex gave a patented icy glare she reserve for the court room, "WHAT DO YOU WANT, CARMICHAEL?"
"Calm your pretty titties, Cabot! I just want my stuff... and maybe have a little talk privately?" Abbie said in her husky Texan drawl.
Olivia saw the look of pain flash across the blonde's features at the quite unintentional, but now very cruel and hurtful jibe.
"You wait here. I'll go and send down the boxes down in the elevator, and then you can leave. I have nothing to talk to you about." Alex approached the elevator, Abbie following a few steps behind.
As Gregory pressed the elevator button for the ADA then discreetly move some steps away, Abbie took a step closer invading Alex's personal space as she waited. "Aww, I can help you... Princess. We don't have to be... estranged, we can still be... friendly. Despite what you might think of me, I do still care about you."
For a few moments, Alex's resolve waivered and she became lost in the eyes of the Texan. Those dark brown eyes, that healthy tan, the raven hair tousled just so, those adorable dimples and that chiseled jawline. The spell was broken when Alex saw Olivia approaching in her peripheral vision.
"You have a funny way of showing it. People who truly care about those they love... they don't cheat, they don't lie and they don't falsely accuse the other of infidelity. You wanted out, so you're gone. Let me move on with my life now, you obviously have with yours."
"You know, we were good together... you and me. I don't know if anyone would love you as much I do." Abbie reached out and cradled Alex's left cheek, which the blonde unconsciously leant in to. "I love your eyes... and that pouty little mouth of yours is so kissable..." she brushed her thumb across Alex's lips, the timbre of her Texan drawl becoming even lower and huskier, "... I love your beautiful body... your long legs wrapped around my waist while I was wearing... King Dong... I loved making you orgasm just by making love to your breasts with my mouth, especially the extra sensitive left one..." The Texan's hand trailed down the column of her neck to brush over Alex's left breast, "... We both did, Princess."
Tears pricking her eyes, Alex slapped Abbie's hand away, entered the elevator and pressed the button to close the door before bursting into tears.
Olivia spun Abbie around to face her, "What the hell did you say to Alex?"
"Not that it's any of your business, but we were just reminiscing about our sex life."
"Mustn't have been a very good memory then if you made Alex cry."
Ignoring the retort, Abbie asked "By the way Liv, how's yours with 'Rena? Satisfying?"
"None of your business or concern, Abs." Olivia replied, not taking the deliberate attempt to goad her.
"Funny, from what I hear it's kind of... lacking. A woman like 'Rena, she'll look elsewhere if she's not... completely satisfied."
Again, Olivia wouldn't take the bait Abbie was chumming. "You speaking from your own personal experience with her, Carmichael? That's why she broke up with you in DC? You couldn't satisfy her, and you came scurrying back to New York with your tail between your legs? I know all about that."
Abbie just grinned slyly, eyeing Olivia up and down. "Tell me Benson, why didn't we ever get together all those years ago when I was at SVU?"
"Just like yourself, brunettes and ravens do nothing for me. We both prefer blondes."
"Ahh, that's right! Blondes... strawberry blondes... they're all really good in bed," Abbie said.
Olivia asked the burning question, "So who have you been cheating with?"
"None of your concern! But you're the detective, Detective. You figure it out."
Little did either woman know that by next Saturday night at the Rainbow Shamrock, who that was would be discovered.
Angrily swiping away her tears, Alex grabbed 3 different glass bottles of fountain pen ink: a black, a red and a blue from her office desk, then returned to the 4 boxes. Unscrewing the lids, she liberally poured most of the contents of each bottle over the clothes, rescrewed the bottle lids back on askew, hid the bottles in amongst the ruined clothes then placed some unstained clothes on top before sealing the boxes with tape. She didn't care if it was childish or petty. She contemplated sawing off the head from the harnessed dildo with a serrated kitchen knife but instead grabbed the kitchen pepper shaker and dumped the contents in the box with the ornaments and various sex toys. Taping the box shut, she gave the large box a violent but satisfying shake, hearing some contents break while being coated in finely ground pepper.
She sent a quick text to Olivia to say that the boxes were on their way down to the lobby via the elevator and to come up when Abbie had gone.
Alex would take Olivia's advice and seek true revenge by moving on with her life from Abbie Carmichael, finding someone that would love her unconditionally... even if she would be single breasted.