There was silence for a moment as Elsa caught her breath and regained some strength. When she was sitting up on her own again, Anna spoke.
"Come on, let's get you cleaned up," she said and slowly helped Elsa to her feet. The queen didn't say a word as Anna assumed their usual position for walking. She winced as they moved, which worried Anna.
"That was really bad, wasn't it," she murmured as they entered the residential wing of the castle. Elsa nodded and turned her head to Anna's shoulder for comfort. Anna leaned her head against her sister's and slowly led her into the large bathroom at the end of the hallway. She sat Elsa down on a bench before instructing the attending maids to draw a large bath of warm water and then to leave, carrying orders that all personnel should be out of the residential wing within five minutes and that the sisters were not to be disturbed.
"All right," Anna began when they were finally alone. "How do you want to do this?" She and Elsa looked at each other for a moment, before the older woman dropped her gaze to the stone floor.
"I'll wash my… my uh… private areas… myself," Elsa stuttered, curling up in mortification. "I don't want… I'm not… um… you…" Anna smiled and held up a hand.
"It's okay, Elsa. I understand. You can clean wherever you're not comfortable with me touching, but please don't use all your energy. If it would make you feel better, you can cover up what you want with cloth, or I'll wear a blindfold or something. I just want to help you, and you know I won't hurt you."
"I know," Elsa replied with her head down, "I just…"
"No, no, it's fine," Anna tried to reassure her despondent sibling. "Um… how about this – I'll help you get your dress off at least, and then I'll look away and you can wrap these cloths around yourself however you want," she suggested as she tore an old bed sheet into strips. "And when you're ready, tell me and I'll turn around and help you get into the tub. Is that all right?" Elsa nodded but didn't look up.
"Hey," Anna said, before sitting down beside Elsa and laying a hand on her shoulder. The older woman couldn't suppress a flinch. "Listen," Anna insisted, catching Elsa's gaze. "I know this is uncomfortable for you. I know you're scared, and I'm very proud of you for letting me help you. Please Elsa, please believe me when I say that I love you no matter what, and I do not want to hurt you ever. If you want me to stop, let me know and I will. All right?" Elsa nodded once more, her gaze less downcast than before. She unfolded from her uncomfortable position and looked up in shy gratitude as Anna stood.
"So for your dress," Anna began, "perhaps it would be easiest to pull it up and over your head? Where are the laces?" Elsa indicated the back, so Anna found the knot and gently, calmly loosened Elsa's dress, keeping an eye on her sister's countenance. She didn't seem too disturbed, so Anna continued.
"Now, stand up just for a bit so we can get it over your head," Anna said, pulling Elsa to her feet. The injured woman stood still and helped by raising her arms so Anna could lift the blood-stiffened fabric up. Elsa was left wearing a simple white shift. A bloom of red marred the front of it starting at the tear near Elsa's heart. Anna blanched at the sight of it. Her mind flashed back to when she held Elsa's limp body as she bled out on the mountaintop. The red on white reminded her of the stained snow that had surrounded them for those few moments in which her sister was dead. Anna choked back tears as she stared and Elsa looked up, startled out of her own thoughts by the sound.
"Anna?" Elsa called. "It's all right. I'm okay, I'm okay," she took Anna's hand and pressed it to the pulse on her neck so her sister could feel the steady beat. They stood still for a time, as Anna sniffed back her tears and tried to pull herself together. Eventually Elsa's legs gave out and she sat down again.
"Sorry," Anna mumbled, retrieving the strips of cloth.
"Don't be," Elsa insisted. "This isn't easy for you, either." Anna nodded but she still looked troubled, so the older girl caught her sister's hand again and pulled her down to eye level. She held Anna's face between her palms and caught her gaze. Tears were forming in Anna's eyes even before the queen began to speak because Elsa was touching her skin and she didn't look afraid.
"I… I know it was awful seeing what you did. I know that you… you lost me. For a little while. I know that I left you, and I shouldn't have. You shouldn't have had to witness that. And I'm so sorry that you did." Anna closed her eyes as tears flowed down her face, dampening Elsa's hands.
"I want to make you a promise," Elsa said. "I don't break my promises, Anna. That means that this is for forever. Look at me," she demanded softly and Anna's watery eyes opened to see her sister's face stern with conviction.
"I promise," Elsa began forcefully, "that I will never try to kill myself again." Anna gasped but Elsa continued. "I promise I will never take my own life. I will never take myself away from you, Anna. Never again." Anna sobbed and threw her arms around her sister, unheeding of her state of undress. The younger girl was shaking hard as she bawled loudly into Elsa's neck, overcome by so many emotions that she just couldn't keep her composure any longer. Elsa held on tight, tears falling from her eyes as well.
"I l-love y-you," Anna whimpered into Elsa's shoulder. "I love you s-so, so much Elsa."
"I love you too, my dearest Anna. If I ever need help keeping this promise, I will come to you." The girl nodded against her neck, holding her tightly. She swallowed hard.
"Thank you for your promise," she whispered, before pulling away suddenly. "But… but it's not official yet," she said shakily as tears still streamed down her face. "You have to pinky-promise." Elsa raised an eyebrow. Anna stared solemnly at her sister and extended her hand, her smallest finger held out. Elsa smiled slightly and responded in kind, linking her finger with Anna's.
"I promise," she repeated. Anna's stoicism crumbled once more as she embraced her sister. Elsa held Anna and rocked her back and forth as the princess choked out fragmented whimpers of gratitude and relief.
"Come on," Anna finally said after she had calmed down. She pulled away and swabbed at the tears on her own face with a cloth. "We've got to get you cleaned up so you can lie down and rest." Elsa nodded in agreement and stood once more. She looked at the thin material she was wearing and then at Anna apprehensively.
"Do you want me to turn around?" Anna asked gently, trying hard not to embarrass her sister. Elsa nodded bashfully, so Anna turned in place. "If you feel faint, you can hold on to my shoulder. Please, please don't fall, okay Elsa?"
"Okay," came the soft reply. Anna soon heard the whisper of cloth on skin as Elsa took off the bloodied fabric. A hand held firmly to her shoulder for a moment and she did her best to keep from panicking.
"Are you all right?" she asked, just barely resisting the temptation to turn around and prepare to catch Elsa if she were to fall.
"I'm okay," Elsa said reassuringly. "I needed help balancing to get the cloths. I've got them now. It's all right," she insisted, rubbing Anna's back briefly. The younger girl then realized how tense she had become, and she consciously forced her shoulders to relax. Elsa's hand left her and a few moments of silence passed, but then Elsa spoke.
"Anna? Will you tie this in the back for me?" Anna turned around to find her sister sitting nervously on the edge of the tub. She was holding a strip of cloth over her chest. Anna nodded and tied the two ends together securely across Elsa's back. The older girl had a larger piece of fabric wrapped around her waist and tied at her hip to form a makeshift skirt, but besides that and the wrapping around her chest she was completely bare. Her torso was stained a rusty brown from the blood, but her scar stood out as a slash of pink over her ribs. Dust and grime coated her arms and legs, a testament to time spent in the barn and wagon. Some bruises littered her fair skin underneath the dirt. Elsa squirmed under her sister's gaze and turned her head to the side in shame, her face reddening.
"Elsa? It's all right," Anna soothed, moving closer very slowly. "Hey, look at me," she called, reaching out to take Elsa's chin in one hand. The frightened woman's vulnerable eyes pierced Anna's soul but she continued speaking.
"Please don't be afraid," she pleaded. "There's nothing to be ashamed of." She let her hand caress Elsa's cheek. "I think you're beautiful." Elsa blushed even harder but Anna smiled because the fear had fled from her sister's face. Elsa didn't say anything, but she held her arms up for Anna to help her stand.
Holding Elsa's elbows from behind, Anna supported her sister as she unsteadily ascended the step stool to get into the tub. Elsa tentatively put a foot into the water, and when nothing happened she grinned suddenly and quickly stepped in. The smile of childlike joy never left her face as she settled into the water, submerging herself up to her neck.
"What is it, Elsa?" Anna asked curiously.
"It's warm," Elsa murmured reverently. "I haven't had a warm bath since… um… since I… since before…"
"The accident? Since you were eight years old?!" Anna exclaimed, putting the pieces together. Elsa stared in wonder at the steam gently rising from the water.
"After the accident, it would always cool way down or turn to ice the moment my foot touched it. But… but now it's so warm! It feels amazing." Elsa's awe nearly brought tears to Anna's eyes. Thirteen years of ice-cold baths? She started to feel guilty for all the times she had taken warm water for granted, but she was interrupted from her sad thoughts by Elsa's voice.
"It's because of you," she whispered, looking over at Anna in realization. "It's because you're here. Because of love." Anna met her eyes and smiled at the sight of Elsa's elation. It was more proof that love was the solution to Elsa's control of her powers, and the delight and amazement on the older girl's face warmed Anna's heart.
"Are you ready?" Anna asked after a moment.
"How… um…" Elsa trailed off uncertainly.
"Just lay back and let me wash you. I'll be careful, I promise." Elsa obediently stretched out, resting her head on a rolled up towel on the edge of the tub. She tried to relax, watching from the corner of her eye as Anna lathered soap on a washcloth.
Anna saw her sister's unease and paused for a moment. She had intended to attack the abundance of dried blood on her sister's side first, but Elsa's mounting trepidation made her reconsider her approach.
"How about I wash your hair and your face first?" she suggested. "I know this is kind of strange for you, and I don't want to scare you or hurt you." Elsa looked a little relieved and nodded, so Anna pulled a chair to the side of the tub near Elsa's head. She started by gently unbraiding and untangling Elsa's long hair. Some parts were matted with blood and Anna gulped anxiously at how it dissipated into the water with a swirl of red as she let Elsa's hair sink below the surface. She guided her sister's head back and rinsed her hair in the water.
"Still all right?" she asked as she massaged some soap gently into Elsa's scalp.
"Yeah," Elsa replied somewhat breathlessly, blinking water out of her eyes and holding very still. Anna supported Elsa's head with one hand and was teasing out blood and tangles with the other. Elsa's tenseness was evident in how she twitched and almost shied away when Anna inadvertently brushed against her ear in passing.
"I'm sorry," Anna apologized quietly. "Here," she gathered Elsa's long, now-clean hair into her hands and squeezed the water out of it. "You can rest your head against the side now." She guided Elsa to lean back, which she did ever so hesitantly until her head was cushioned on the towel again. Anna saw that Elsa was looking somewhat warily at her, but she wasn't sure what to do besides continue carefully.
"I'm going to wash your face now, all right? I need you to close your eyes so you don't get soap in them," Anna instructed softly.
She started by running handfuls of the warm water over Elsa's face to rinse off the grime, and then she very carefully cleaned away the residual smudges with a soapy cloth. She held one hand in Elsa's hair both to steady her head as well as to bring some sort of comfort to the tormented woman through this process. She rinsed away the dirt, leaving Elsa's skin clean and healthy again. Once the soap was out of her eyes, Elsa opened them and looked up at Anna curiously.
"Are you okay?" Anna asked, confused by Elsa's expression.
"You're so gentle," Elsa murmured. "Just like on the mountaintop." Anna recalled how she had tried to clean Elsa's face with meltwater.
"I'm telling you, I won't hurt you," Anna smiled. "And I hope this warm water feels better than the snow."
"A lot better," she agreed. "And your hands are warm, too." Anna smiled and pressed them to Elsa's face. She laughed and closed her eyes in response. She was much more relaxed than before.
"Everything you bring into my life is warm, Anna. Thank you." These profound words nearly brought Anna to tears, but she just smiled and began washing away the blood and dirt from her sister's neck. She ran the cloth just below Elsa's collarbone and the older woman shuddered. Anna stopped immediately and withdrew her hands.
"What is it?" Anna asked. "Are you all right?"
"Yes, I'm okay," Elsa replied. "I'm just… not used to being… uh…"
"You're not used to being touched," Anna completed for her. Her face softened when Elsa nodded silently, looking a bit embarrassed.
"It's understandable, you know," she said. "It's been a long time. A very long time since anybody came close to you. I'm really glad you're letting me do this, Elsa. I want to be able to do this for you."
"You're the only one I would ever trust," Elsa admitted, meeting Anna's eyes. "I… I believe you when you say that you love me, and that you won't hurt me. It's just… hard still." Anna nodded, seeing the sincerity on Elsa's face.
"It's okay. We'll get through this," she encouraged her sister, and put her hands back into the water. "Is it all right if I keep going?" Elsa nodded in response, so Anna brought the cloth up to Elsa's shoulders. She gently scrubbed away flecks of blood and dirt to reveal Elsa's pale, unblemished skin underneath.
Elsa let Anna lift her arms and wash all the way from her shoulders to the tips of her fingers. Anna could tell her sister was very uncomfortable as she neared the wrapped cloth, so she made a point to reassure Elsa that she would leave those areas alone.
"I'm going to move to your side, all right?" Anna asked as she paused to rinse out the cloth and rub more soap into it. "It's going to be okay. Let me know if it starts to hurt, and I'll stop." Her hands were submerged as she reached for Elsa's side. Some of the blood had dissolved off of Elsa's skin, but a lot was caked on still. She started washing from the line of the cloth Elsa had wrapped around her waist. Anna bit back tears as the rustiness of Elsa's blood clouded the water around her body.
"It… it doesn't hurt too bad, Anna," Elsa lied in hopes of calming her increasingly distraught sister.
"There was so much," Anna whispered, again recalling all too clearly the sight of Elsa lying dead and covered in blood on top of the mountain.
"It's okay," Elsa insisted, and even guided Anna's hands to the area with the knotted pink scar. "Here, see? It's not bleeding any more. It doesn't even hurt as much now. You… you can touch it – it's all right." Anna hesitantly reached her fingers out to touch the scar. Elsa just barely managed to keep herself from flinching or crying out, though the pain from the injury and the discomfort from the proximity of Anna's hands to her breast showed on her face. Anna didn't see her sister's expression or she would have stopped immediately. As it was, her fingers gently examined the raised mark and cleaned the blood from around it before retreating to wash a less threatening area. She glanced up and saw Elsa's tight expression.
"What's wrong?" she asked, stopping for a moment.
"I'm fine," Elsa said, though her jaw was rigid. Anna couldn't tell if her sister was in pain or if she was just uncomfortable with the situation. The water was still warm, which was a good sign.
"No really," Anna began again, "what is it?"
"This is just…" she gestured to Anna and the tub of warm water and her own mostly unclothed body, "so… strange."
"I know," Anna said with a meek smile. "And I agree. I've never washed another person before, and I've certainly never seen you like this…" she broke off as Elsa turned away and tried to curl up in shame.
"No no no," she pleaded, pulling on the older girl's shoulder. "I didn't mean it like that! Well, kind of. But I also haven't seen you at all in so long… no, that sounds worse. I'm sorry, Elsa! I… I just say things and I… please, Elsa. Don't shut me out!" Those were the words that finally got to Elsa, and she somewhat reluctantly stretched out in the tub. Her embarrassment was not gone, but she was at least willing to meet Anna's eyes again.
"I… don't want to shut you out, Anna. This is just… a lot for me. I don't really like this. I don't like being weak and vulnerable, and if it were anybody but you this wouldn't be happening. I trust you, but I'm still… I'm still scared." Anna's eyes softened at Elsa's honest admission.
"I understand," she said gently. "We'll be done soon, and it'll all be okay. I've got you, remember?" Elsa nodded and sat still. Anna worked faster, seeing how uncomfortable Elsa was becoming. It was easier to clean Elsa's legs since there was less blood to scrub off of them. Soon, with one last swipe, Elsa's feet came clean.
"Are you ready for me to wash your back?" Anna asked. Elsa wordlessly sat up to give her sister access. When Elsa responded to a light massage on a tense area by sighing and relaxing, Anna took a few moments to gently rub the tight muscles in Elsa's back. When she appeared much more relaxed and comfortable, Anna moved on.
"Is it okay if I untie this?" Anna asked, pulling on the cloth wrapped around Elsa's chest. "I'll clean your back underneath it, then you can clean the rest of yourself on your own. All right?" Elsa nodded, so Anna quickly undid the knot and finished scrubbing Elsa's back. Then she handed over the washcloth.
"I'm going to turn around, but I'm not going anywhere. Let me know if you need help, okay?"
"Mmhmm," Elsa replied and watched Anna turn her back to the tub and stand with her hands clasped behind her. Upon deciding to trust that Anna would stay true to her word, Elsa dropped her arms and let the cloth covering her chest fall away. She quickly cleaned the rest of herself and tried not to cry out in pain when she strayed too close to the angry, now-throbbing scar. She soon lay completely clean in the dirty, tepid water and decided she was done.
Elsa eased herself to her knees and tried to stand, but her body was too weak. She felt utterly helpless as she strained to pull herself up. A few tears of frustration found their way out of her eyes and she clenched her fists on the edge of the tub. Finally, she swallowed her pride and spoke.
"Anna, I need help," Elsa muttered reluctantly. Her sister's back tensed but she didn't turn around. "Please don't look at me," Elsa begged, "but I need you to help me get up."
"Okay," Anna said and turned around. Elsa squeaked in protest and crouched against the side of the tub. Anna was standing there with her arms out and her eyes tightly shut.
"No peeking, I promise," Anna vowed, and blindly held out a pinky. Elsa smiled a little but she was shaking nonetheless. The water in the tub was now chilly from her fright.
"I… I t-trust you," Elsa stuttered tremulously as she linked their fingers together, "but I just… I can't. I'm… I'm really sorry," she whispered, her voice dropping in shame.
"It's okay," Anna replied. Elsa was relieved that she didn't sound disappointed. "If you'll hand me a cloth, I'll tie it over my eyes. Would that be better?" Elsa didn't speak in response, but she managed to snag a strip of cloth draped over the chair by the tub. She pressed it wordlessly into her sister's outstretched hand and watched as Anna fitted it over her closed eyes and tied it tightly behind her head.
"There. Now, what can I do?" Anna asked. "Are you done? Do you want to get out?"
"Yes, please," Elsa responded. She reached a cold damp hand to Anna's warmer one. The younger girl held on tight and helped Elsa get to her feet. Soon Elsa was shakily standing in the tub holding on to her sister's forearms. She took a tentative step out of the tub and leaned on Anna's arms, warily keeping her naked body as far away from her sightless sister as possible.
"That's good," Elsa said. "Let me sit down – I'm right in front of the chair."
"Can you reach a towel?" Anna asked as she lowered her arms, letting Elsa sink into the seat.
"There's one to your right," Elsa informed her. Anna struck off in that direction perhaps a little too quickly as she stumbled over the step stool.
"Please don't hurt yourself," Elsa begged, but Anna just grinned. She found the towel with her fingertips and tossed it toward Elsa's voice. The queen was fortunate to catch it before it sailed over her shoulder and into the tub. She shook her head with an indulgent smile and dried herself off before wrapping the towel around her body.
"You can take the blindfold off now," she said. Anna ripped the cloth off of her head and quickly knelt beside Elsa.
"Are you all right?" she asked frantically. "I still can't read your voice quite as well as I can read your face." Elsa blinked in astonishment, but Anna continued.
"I mean, it's been a while since I've been exposed to either, but I like to think I'm a fast learner, and you were always the one I wanted to learn the most but I never could…" she suddenly stopped talking and stared back into Elsa's amazed eyes. Then the torrent began anew.
"I'm so sorry, I'm rambling and it's probably not good for you to listen to all that and I bet you're getting cold, so I'm sorry that I say things without even thinking about how they might hurt you and we should really get you some clothes and I'm sorry! And I'll be right back!" she exclaimed. Elsa chuckled as Anna ran from the room. Within a minute she had returned with a long nightgown and handed it to her sister.
"It's the softest, nicest one I have," she explained breathlessly. "If you don't like it I can bring something different, I just though it would be good for you to be warm. N-not that you're always cold, though maybe you are, and maybe it doesn't bother you actually and I don't know, but I feel like I should know because you're my sister and I love you and-"
"Anna," Elsa interrupted her sister's frantic words. "It's lovely. Thank you." She smiled up at Anna's flushed face and was glad to see some calmness return to the girl.
"Great," she panted in relief. "That's really great. I'll turn around now," and she did. Elsa slipped the gown over her head and wrapped her hair up in the towel instead.
"I'm done," she declared and tried to stand. Anna turned just as Elsa's legs collapsed underneath her and she caught her sister before she could hit the ground.
"Easy there," she said supporting Elsa against her body and helping her regain her footing. As before, Anna pulled one of Elsa's arms over her shoulders and wrapped her own arm carefully around her sister's torso. With Anna's help, Elsa was able to walk out of the bathroom.
They made their way down the deserted residential hall toward the bedrooms. On their right was the white door behind which Elsa had hidden for over a decade. Farther down and to the left was the room she had left behind all those years ago. They slowed and eventually stopped right in front of Elsa's door. They had walked in silence but Anna could take it no longer. Her sister had an unreadable expression on her face and Anna's inner fears were driving her insane.
"Will you stay the night with me? Please?" Anna blurted out. "I… I know you're feeling a lot better, and that you'll be just fine on your own, but I don't want you to go in there and be all alone again. Never again. I want you to be able to wake up and know that everything that has happened is real. That you're safe, and I'm safe too, and that I'm here and I love you." Her voice then dropped almost to a whisper.
"I… I need you. I need to know this is real, too. I don't… I don't want to be shut out again, Elsa. Please? Please don't leave me…" Elsa's heart broke at the sound of Anna's quiet imploring and she nodded as tears tracked down both of their faces.
"Of course, Anna. Of course I'll stay with you. I love you," Elsa reminded her sister as she pulled her into her arms. They stood in a warm embrace for a while, but Elsa's legs began to shake as weariness overtook her. Anna sniffed her tears back and smiled. She led Elsa down the hallway past that terrible door and into her room – their old room. Elsa slowed and stared in wonder at the space she hadn't seen since childhood, but Anna knew her sister's strength would soon run out so she led her to the bed.
Elsa groaned as she lay down in her sister's bed. Anna looked at her in concern and pulled the blankets over Elsa's body to keep her warm. The sun had long since set, so when Anna blew out all but a few candles the room became very dark. She quickly changed her own clothes behind her dressing screen before returning to Elsa's side. Anna climbed onto the bed and knelt beside her sister.
"You've had a long day," Anna murmured as she undid the towel from Elsa's hair and ran her fingers soothingly through the damp strands. "We both have. We woke up in a barn, rode in a wagon, and spoke in front of all those people. It's been really hard for you, I know. And I know this still hurts," she laid a feather-light touch on the blanket over Elsa's side. "I'm so proud of you. I'm glad you let me help you. Thank you, Elsa." She bent down and pressed her forehead to Elsa's. Her eyes were alight with heartfelt gratitude and her voice dropped to a whisper.
"Thank you for trusting me and letting me take care of you, and for making the promise that you did. There are no words that can express how much I love you." Tears streamed silently from the corners of Elsa's eyes. She brought her arms around Anna and pulled the girl close to her chest. Anna was a little bit surprised by Elsa's sudden strength but she quickly relaxed into the embrace. She snuggled in and set her ear over her sister's heart to hear the comforting beat. She wrapped her arms and legs around Elsa, longing to be as close as possible. And Elsa let her. The queen gently curled her fingers into soft reddish locks.
"I love you, Anna." Elsa felt the girl smile against her chest in response.
Anna breathed deeply, drinking in the familiar scent of her bedding and of the soap lingering on her sister's skin. She was so happy she could cry, but she didn't. She wanted to memorize everything about this moment – the soft cadence of Elsa's heartbeat, the sound of those simple, beautiful words echoing through her ears, the soothing sensation of Elsa's fingers in her hair, the firm pressure of her sister's arm holding her close, and the long-desired warmth of the person she most adored. Anna felt so protected and secure. She was home. At long last, she was finally home.
With that thought, Anna dropped off to sleep. Elsa stayed awake a little bit longer and let herself feel everything there was to feel in her current position. She knew that with Anna there, with all that love right beside her, the ice could not act outside of her command. Elsa lay flat on her back with Anna's head resting on her chest. Hearing her heartbeat seemed to put the younger girl at ease, so of course Elsa allowed it. She welcomed the warmth radiating from her sister. Her arm was thrown over Elsa's body and their legs were tangled together. She could feel Anna relax into sleep first for once; the girl must have been exhausted. Elsa lovingly caressed her sister's hair and felt her own eyelids grow heavy. Feeling truly safe for the first time in years, Elsa fell asleep. She too was finally home.
AN: A highly personal note - this promise was inspired by real events in my life. In the midst of my own depression, I made that promise to my closest friend. Pinkies included. It actually kept me alive. Later, in terrible pain with a strong desire to end my life, I asked if she would release me from that promise. She said no (because true friends will refuse to give you permission to kill yourself). I have never seen her so angry or hurt, and in that moment I knew I couldn't do that to her. Besides, I always keep my promises (which is why I don't make them lightly). That's why this scene is so meaningful to me. I want people to understand that. (And for the record, I'm doing much better now!)