~A/N For this one, take a deep breath or sip tall drink of an adult beverage, whichever you require before starting. I'm getting several, "I don't know if I can read if..." All I can say is, trust me and I will take you on an emotional journey. If that's not what you're down for then I understand.
Urban Rose made a beautiful banner for this chapter.
My song inspiration is Rascal Flatts again, "Why?" It's deeply moving and depressing about suicide actually, but it helped set the tone I needed to write this particular chapter. Listen if you are up for it.
May the stars carry your sadness away, may the flowers fill your heart with beauty, may hope forever wipe away your tears, and, above all, may silence make you strong. -Chief Dan George
Chapter 2: Why?
She was finally sleeping for once when Charlie barged in her room.
"You're still asleep?"
She grumbled. "That obvious, huh?"
"Well, get up. The memorial is in less than two hours."
She knew her father was going to try and get her to go but she'd already decided against it. "No thanks. I won't be a party to such a mockery."
"I'd hardly call paying our last respects 'a mockery.' Jacob was your best friend."
She corrected, "Is. Jake is my best friend so why should I pretend to go along with a whole group of people that gave up on him? None of you will listen. He's not dead!"
"Bells, it's been two weeks. I admired your faith in the beginning but it's no longer healthy. Billy happens to be my best friend so you and I both will go today and show our support for what has to be the hardest day of a parent's life… burying one of their children."
"Stop right there Dad. We all know that casket is empty. Jacob's body was never found."
Charlie tried to recount the statistics and all the bullshit laid out by the Coast Guard. She wasn't listening to it again.
"Get out. Leave me alone."
She never talked to her father in such ways except for the last week or so when she could no longer hold back. Bella recovered quickly, but that was only physically speaking. She was out of the hospital in 24 hours. She developed a slight respiratory infection from swallowing seawater. She also had a bruised foot from how she landed but other than that she was deemed perfect. Of course, she'd never be perfect again until she located Jacob.
Bella came up with every plausible scenario there was, including he might be hiding on purpose just to teach her valuable lesson for being so careless. After the fifth day, she figured no way was he that ruthless. He wouldn't hurt his family and friends to prove a point to her. She would take her truck and drive endless paths around the reservation, some weren't even actual roads. Sam put a stop to that. He supposedly barred her from the reservation while his pack was in mourning. She doubted that asshole had such authority.
The pack hated, no they loathed her. Seth and Quil phased the day Jacob went missing. Surprisingly, so had Leah, Seth's sister. Bella didn't understand any of what was going on regarding those circumstances. Quil and Embry had once been close with Bella but neither could stand the sight of her currently. No one spoke to her other than telling her to leave and never come back. She was literally on her own if Victoria came hunting again.
That was the most likely scenario. Victoria had Jake. She was in the water. Bella remembered before they sedated her. Sam listened to the possibility but he couldn't buy that a leech would keep a wolf. Either Jacob would take her down or she'd kill him to save herself.
Bella hadn't been back to school either. Charlie put his foot down and said Monday morning he was dropping her off come hell or high water. Fine, he could leave her. It didn't mean she had to stay.
She wasn't in a mood to argue any further, nor did she have the strength. Bella was emotionally spent. She just couldn't believe as the rest of them. Something in the back of her mind nagged at her constantly. Jacob came to her each and every night in a dream or vision asking her to find him. She tried but nothing worked. He had vanished.
Charlie brought in a simple white dress and tossed it across her bed. What in the world? It might be something she'd wear on a date or a picnic. Her mind did something unexpected.
She saw bare feet with a frilly hemline floating just above her ankles. Jacob was standing in front of Billy wearing baggy khaki pants rolled up to his muscular calves and a loose button up shirt that was unbuttoned just enough to be casual and extremely sexy. He extended his hand and her fingers joined with his.
Bella gasped and a chill ran through her.
Her father was trying to get her attention. "Bella, did you hear me?"
"What? No, that's not mine. I can't wear that. It's a funeral... remember?"
"I know, but this request is from Billy. He wants all the young people to wear white instead of black because Jacob was so young and such a pure soul. I think it's a beautiful sentiment."
"You bought this?" She was shocked if that was so.
Charlie said she wouldn't talk to him, so he asked Angela when she dropped off a casserole from her mother.
"Nice girl, Bells. I'm surprised you two never hang out very often."
"Angela actually bought this for me?"
"Yes, I only asked if she had something you could borrow since I thought you looked close to the same size but she insisted on buying it. She said she saw it in a shop and it'd be perfect for you. I agree. It's very pretty. Jacob would have loved it."
"Please don't, Dad."
"I'm sorry. I'll be downstairs but hurry I want to be early in case Billy needs me."
Bella took a fast shower with her hair pinned up. She didn't have time to use the blow dryer and it wasn't even dirty. She slipped on the dress after she put on her underwear. Her fingers held up the delicate fabric and for another minute, she imagined his fingers touching the dress while she wore it. Again, she was startled at how real her imagination could be. Warmth surrounded her briefly.
Bella didn't want to mess with makeup. Jake was used to her natural look but she had terrible dark circles under her eyes. She dabbed concealer on and powdered her cheeks. There was no need to add any eye makeup. The occasion was sure to wash all that away.
Charlie slightly smiled when he saw her. He added she looked nice. They got in the cruiser. Bella held her eyes closed the majority of the way. Anything that blocked out the reality of the day helped. Not really, but it kept her from completely losing it.
Bella still thought something else was going on. She had no way of proving it. The more she discussed having a feeling or some mystical connection, the closer she was to being committed. Charlie had brought up a doctor. He'd also mentioned Florida. She knew neither option would work. Bella couldn't be honest with any shrink out there. She'd been in a relationship with a vampire and he left. Her mind and spirit broke. Jacob helped her heal.
By the way, he shifts into a wolf to protect me from the very creatures I was so enamored with.
Now, he was missing. Jacob left her too, not the same way Edward did. No doctors and definitely no Renee. Besides, how would Bella ever find Jacob if she moved back to her mother's?
The crowd was huge even though they were almost an hour early. Charlie told her another request of Billy's early that week. He said most of Jacob's friends were bringing something to place in the casket. Obviously, Jacob wasn't in there so the funeral home director suggested it to Billy. It was a common occurrence in those situations. It could be anything: a letter, a picture or a trinket that meant something. She had no idea what the pack was putting inside but Bella brought a toy motorcycle. It was super cheap and tiny. Jacob had gotten it out of one of those fifty cent bubblegum type machines. She was hoping for a bouncy ball, but when the motorcycle popped out, he winked and told her it suited their friendship much better. She missed his smile and his dorky sense of humor so much. How had she not realized how much she'd been smiling when she was around him? She kept saying the hole was still there and that it would never close, but that wasn't true. She knew that now and Bella was aware of what really being torn apart felt like.
Bella's questions were somewhat answered as she watched from her corner of the room. Quil had a video game clutched in his hands. She couldn't see the title but was pretty sure it was Call of Duty. Embry had a football, worn and weather from hours of being tossed around. She could see flecks of sand still sticking to the surface. Sam carried a picture that Emily had taken during one of their many chow downs at her table. She didn't know what everyone else had, but Bella couldn't observe any other transactions. When the grim looking man approached her to see if she had something to contribute, she totally backed out. Nope, she wasn't letting go of that motorcycle. She reached in her bag, dug out a crumpled slip of paper and wrote out some words. She folded the note four times and then tapped the man on the back of his stiff suit.
"Here, you can add this."
"Even a letter with your sincerest apologies won't undo what you've done."
Bella turned around to see Paul Lahote towering over her.
"Screw you," she wiped at her eyes.
"I'm just saying nothing else but that would be even remotely appropriate." Bella was close to giving him a true piece of her mind. She wasn't afraid of him any longer.
"Jacob didn't even like you."
"We were brothers, you were the only thing that caused our conflicts."
"Yeah right," she replied sarcastically.
"Forget it, Babe. She's not worth it."
Bella was confused. Paul actually had a girlfriend? She thought he had a different girl each night according to Jake. She stared at the exotic beauty in front of her. There was something vaguely familiar around her dark eyes.
Billy interrupted, "That's enough Rachel don't let him influence you in everything. This was an accident, not at all Bella's fault."
Jacob's sister. Bella looked all around until she spotted another woman with very similar features. Rebecca was also present. Of course, his twin sisters would be there. However, why in the heck was Rachel calling Paul, Babe? She was definitely with him. They were practically fused together at the hip.
Paul and Rachel turned their backs on her and Billy. He shook his head, "It's sudden. I'm still trying to get used to it too."
Bella thought it was super weird that Jacob's sister would come for a funeral and make a random love connection with the likes of Paul.
"You look lovely Bella. I'm glad you're here. It means more than you know."
Seeing him overwhelmed her. Bella leaned over and hugged his neck tightly. She couldn't let go nor could she hold back the tears that she'd managed to control for almost three days straight.
The stiff man, not a great title, but it's all she could think of interrupted her special moment.
"I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Black, but it's time to get started. Mr. Ateara is leading with a special prayer, correct?"
Bella and Billy looked to the front and saw Quil's grandfather studying a paper. He was wearing reading glasses and supporting himself with an intricately carved wooden cane. She recalled Jacob saying he carved pieces sometimes. It was a skill he'd been taught from his father. It was actually passed down for several generations. She wasn't sure how many exactly. Bella begged to see one of his carvings but he told her he wasn't good enough yet.
She didn't understand the words in the prayer but they were beautiful. Bella was transfixed hearing the old man speak, but she still felt like a traitor for being there and hearing those words about death, but also being moved by them. If only, she didn't understand the rest of the solemn occasion. Just being there was sad, but watching and listening was the worst thing she'd ever experienced. It was a traditional Quileute funeral, but towards the end, the director offered anyone else in attendance wanted the opportunity to speak.
Minutes ticked by and Bella felt relief that it was almost over, but then Quil stood up.
Leave it to that total goofball to speak the most eloquent, heartfelt tribute in memory of his friend. He practically brought the entire room to their knees. One by one, pack members stood up and gave personal accounts of times together with Jacob and how much they'd miss him. Bella felt her chest tighten each time a new person walked up there. Her father got up as well. She shook her head slightly. Doubt grew that she'd be able to endure another word.
His teary eyes looked to the bronze casket, to the large portrait on the easel of a smiling, very much alive Jacob and then to the back row where she sat all alone.
"I remember the week Sarah and Billy brought Jacob home from the hospital. I wasn't sure about visiting. I didn't want to intrude, but Billy insisted I celebrate the arrival of his son." Charlie glanced over at Rebecca and Rachel. "No, offense, he loved you girls more than anything, but most dads put a lot a stock in having at least one son. He was bursting with pride and joy. I could tell Jacob was a special kid early on. There was just something about him. He always seemed happy too. Kid had a way of lighting up a room."
She felt herself having to tune out some of his speech. It was too damn emotional. Bella didn't know her father was capable of such things.
"A couple of years passed, my daughter was visiting and we all watched the two of them toddle around the sand cooperatively making something special for us grown-ups. Billy knew how much I missed Bells. He'd heard me whine about it each and every time we drank a few too many. I said, 'You're a lucky man, my friend. I guess Bella's the only one I'll ever have and I'll see less and less or her after she starts school this year.' Billy told me something that afternoon that always stuck. He told me not to lose hope, maybe one day, I'd have Bells back under my roof again, and that for the time she wasn't, I was more than welcome to think of his kids as mine too because he and I were brothers at heart."
Charlie turned directly to Billy, they were both crying freely. It took him a minute to finish but he said he couldn't imagine what he and the twins were going through. He said he hated they were all suffering, but at least they all had the memories and the chance to know such a great human being.
"He touched so many of us, and I'll never be able to thank him for what he did for my child. I hope he knew how much it meant to me."
Her father stepped off the platform and knelt down in front of Billy's wheelchair. They grasped their hands tightly together. Charlie didn't say it too loud, but she still heard him, "Thanks for sharing your son with me. I loved him and I love you too, brother."
Billy leaned over and the lifetime friends shared the rest of their words privately. If anyone wasn't crying in the room, she didn't notice them. Even the director from the funeral home seemed moved and choked up when he asked if there was anyone else in the crowd that wanted to say something.
She felt several pairs of eyes on her. A true best friend would make the effort but Bella couldn't will her feet to move. What would she say anyway that hadn't already been said? Jacob lived a charmed life up until that day at the cliffs. He was remarkable. She mentally pounded her traitorous thoughts. Is, he is. All she had to offer was that entire cryfest had been in vain. They should have all gone out on another search mission instead. Jacob wasn't dead. The casket was full of pictures, notes and personal effects, not him. Why was she the only one that believed that way?
Bella had never felt more lonely. Her head stayed down to make sure no one called on her. There was some music being played after the parting announcements about the family's appreciation and the invitation to the Clearwater's for a reception immediately following. Bella looked up and realized the song was being led by none other than Sam Uley. Quil, Embry, Seth and Jared all had some types of instruments that were interwoven in their heritage, but it was Sam that was singing the funeral chant. More Quileute words, so beautiful and so unexpected. They were such a unique group of people. Jacob said his tribe was pretty private, but she was witnessing one of their most sacred traditions. She felt so undeserving to be in their presence.
Charlie insisted she go to the Clearwater's but as soon as he was occupied with Harry and others, Bella exited the back door. She got as much distance as she could from the house but was careful not to wander so far she'd end up lost. She didn't want anymore attention drawn to her.
She found a place to sit and reflect on everything. Bella pulled out the toy motorcycle. She was glad she kept it. He might not ever see the note, but she knew exactly what it said.
This isn't true. I don't know how to find you, Jacob. Can you please find me instead. I'm waiting… as long as it takes.
~Thanks for reading.