I Was Married 3/?
/
A big thank you for all your continued love and support
/
Time continues to pass in much the same vein over the following few weeks, they stay silently married but not really married married, and the only thing that really changes is that Gail grows more and more certain of her feelings for Holly, and more and more confused about Holly's feelings for her.
Sometimes, like that night at the opera, Gail feels like Holly is moving past their usual, friendly banter and actually blurring the lines of their relationship by flirting with her, but then the majority of the time, Holly acts as normal as she always has around her, and Gail ends up feeling like she's just projecting her emotions onto Holly, wishfully hoping that Holly is responding to her longing in kind.
The worst part about falling in love with her best friend, who also happens – thanks to that one very inebriated weekend in Vegas – to now be her wife, is that she can't talk to Holly about any of it.
Talking is the one thing in their friendship that has always come naturally to them. Unlike with most people Gail's known throughout her lifetime, she's somehow always found it easy to just let her guard down and open up with Holly, completely able to say how she's really feeling without holding anything back. She knows Holly has never judged her for being brutally honest, or considered her mean or emotionally stunted whenever she struggles to process and voice her emotions. Holly's never expected or asked Gail to be anything other than who she already is, and Gail wonders if Holly's unconditional acceptance of her is part of the reason why she's suddenly realising that her feelings towards her best friend have always verged on being deeper than they should.
Communication is supposed to be key in marriage, Gail thinks ironically, and yet all she seems able to do lately when it comes to Holly and her feelings is to talk around what she really wants to talk about. The words keep making their way up from the core of her heart and settling on the tip of her tongue, waiting patiently for Gail to be brave enough to speak them, and yet every time Holly's warm eyes stare back into her own – utterly full of trust and affection – she feels herself swallowing them back down into the dark pits of her stomach, too terrified that the truth may cost her everything.
The risk, especially at this stage in their friendship, feels far too great for Gail to just take a chance on without being certain that Holly does share her feelings. So no matter how hard she tries lately, Gail finds she's unable to quiet the struggle that's raging obtrusively in her mind.
Sometimes the battle waging between her head and her heart becomes so deafening that she's unable to get her body to relax enough for sleep to come to her. It's even worse on the nights that Gail stays over at Holly's, when her inner-turmoil gets amplified by their closeness. It's all she can do on those nights to stay silent and still, hoping that her restless thoughts doesn't disturb Holly, and watch enviously as her best friend sleeps peacefully beside her, totally unaware of the dilemma that plagues her.
"You're thinking too loudly," Holly mumbles in the early hours of Sunday morning, catching Gail amidst her quandary.
The sound of Holly's voice startles her a little, jolting her from her thoughts, and leaves her more than a little surprised that she's woken given how heavy Holly normally sleeps. Apparently her best friend is not as unaware as Gail hopes.
"Sorry," Gail murmurs back, letting her hand reach out to rub comfortingly down Holly's back, hoping to lull her back into the sweetness of her dreams. "Didn't mean to wake you."
"S'okay," Holly yawns, shuffling around to face her, her voice sleepy but concerned. "Why're you not asleep? Bad dream?"
Gail opens her mouth to respond with the truth, so completely exhausted from keeping her feelings a secret, but then just as quickly presses her lips together and stops herself. It would be foolish, she thinks, to just blurt it out when neither of them are fully awake and thinking clearly.
Instead, she opts to share the other question that's been playing on her mind for the last couple of days. "Do you believe if destiny?" she asks timidly. "You know, the whole idea of fate and soulmates?"
Holly blinks blearily back at her for a couple of seconds, her mind gearing up slowly and processing how she should respond. "That's a pretty deep question for this time at night," she whispers into the lingering darkness that's still blanketing the room, shuffling her head across to share Gail's pillow so that she can make out her eyes in dim light. "What's brought all this on?"
"McNally," Gail divulges quietly. Holly hums knowingly, accustomed to Andy being the source of annoyance for her best friend on numerous occasions, and hooks her foot around Gail's ankle, nudging her slightly to hint that she should expand further. "She was going on about Sam, as bloody usual," Gail grunts adversely. "Waxing poetically that he was her soulmate, and how they were just destined to be together."
"She's such a fairytale princess," Holly snorts in response, making the corners of Gail's lips tug up into an amused smile. "But as disturbing as the idea of McSwarek as soulmates is, even to me," Holly comments softly, nudging Gail gently with her foot again, "I highly doubt that's what's really keeping you up, honey."
"It just got me thinking about whether I believe in that sort of stuff," Gail exhales deeply, unsure how much to say without saying too much; the balance getting more and more difficult to navigate lately.
Holly studies her quietly for a few moments before carefully asking, "Do you?"
"I don't know," Gail confesses in a whisper, shrugging slightly.
Such things weren't really discussed in her house growing up. Peck's accomplished all that they could through hard work and dedication. There was no such thing as having faith in things happening for a reason, or allowance that they could wait for things to come to them, it was all about self achievement and drive.
"I like the idea that you and I were always meant to meet and become friends," she admits thoughtfully, "but I don't know how I feel about the idea that my life has already been decided for me." Gail pauses then, letting her eyes trail carefully over Holly's face, trying to gauge her reaction from her random line of curiosity, and finds Holly staring back at her intensely intrigued. "What does your big, beautiful, nerd brain think about all this?"
"Over the years there's been a few experiments into fate and free-will in humans," Holly states informatively after a moment of quiet, the tone of her voice shifting from soft and soothing and into what Gail's labelled over the years as Holly's Doctor Stewart voice; formal and deliberate. "Researchers have found that some processes, like breathing and moving, are executed without much conscious awareness, and that in brain scans unconscious activity can been seen to occur seconds before conscious activity arises in other areas of the brain."
Gail can't help but smile fondly as she listens to Holly science-babble, her heart swelling with awe and affection for her smart, adorable best friend. "In English, Lunchbox," she prompts teasingly, knowing how easily Holly gets lost in her scientific jargon and forgets that not everybody understands the way she does.
"Sorry," Holly grins sheepishly. "It's not conclusive research, but some scientists believe that the subconscious makes decisions first, even when we think we're making a conscious choice, and therefore everything, to some degree at least, is fated and out of our control."
"Oh," Gail breathes, not sure how that knowledge makes her feel.
"I'm not convinced though. I don't personally like the idea of fate," Holly confesses honestly. "I think the notion of destiny and soulmates places limitations on people, leaves them waiting for things to happen too them rather than people living and taking chances."
Gail's brow furrows in slight confusion as she tries to wrap her mind around Holly's views on the matter. "So you don't think it was destiny that we were supposed to meet that day in the woods and become friends?"
"I don't think there's a way to know that," Holly replies, shaking her head, her tone shifting back into the silky, pacifying softness she always uses just for Gail. "But given that we both work for 15 Division, I'm sure we would have crossed paths eventually, don't you think?"
"I suppose so," Gail agrees faintly, the weight of her turmoil only seeming to grow the more she searches out an answer as to whether what happened to them in Vegas was meant to be.
Holly reaches out for her at once, sensing her melancholy, and lets her fingertips brush delicately along Gail's jawline, her thumb stroking lovingly across her cheek. "I do think some people are more drawn to each other though," Holly continues consolingly, feeling Gail's tension dissolve as she nuzzles into her caress. "But I don't believe fate forced us to be friends, Gail. I think we worked to form a connection, and that we choose to be friends and remain in each other's lives because we care for each other and make each other happy. Don't you think?"
"Yeah, we do," Gail hums back in response, agreeing wholeheartedly, because she knows with every fibre of her being that letting herself know Holly and be known in return has made her the happiest she's ever been.
Holly smiles beautifully back at her, the affection she feels for Gail evident in the way her brown eyes warm with a hint of amber. "Leave Andy to believe in her naïve fairytales, honey," she admonishes gently, "and know that just because I don't believe in fate and soulmates, doesn't mean that you're not part of my heart, Gail, because you are, and I willingly choose to keep you as such."
Butterflies flutter to life in her chest at Holly's admission, her heart thumping so fast that it feels like it might explode out of her ribcage. It's utterly bewildering to Gail that somebody would choose her; that Holly chooses her. It's even more bewildering to her when Gail comprehends that she's spent her entire life being made to feel like she's second choice; to her parents who have always favoured Steve, to Nick who ditched her for the army; for Andy, and even to Chris who chose the value of his relationship with Dov over her.
The notion of actually being somebody's desired choice makes a rush of adoration and awe sweep through her body, Holly's words echoing repeatedly in her ears and encompassing her body with an overwhelming love that she feels infusing into her very bones.
Gail doesn't know in this moment, how she didn't realise sooner that Holly is her everything. Especially when Holly is the only person who's ever made her feel worthy of being loved for exactly who she is.
"I choose you as part of my heart too, Hol," she confesses earnestly, making sure not to let her gaze waver from Holly's, and watching in delight as Holly's face lights up with a breathtakingly beautiful smile that reaches all the way up into her eyes.
"I'm glad," Holly murmurs in response, letting her hand drift down from Gail's face to curl around her body and pulling her in against her own. "Now close your eyes and sleep, sweetheart," Holly commands as her hand slides up Gail's back to rest comfortingly between her shoulder blades, holding her close.
She may not be entirely convinced what side Holly's feelings for her truly fall – platonic or romantic – but as Gail nestles herself closer still, tucking her head beneath Holly's chin so that her ear is pressed against Holly's chest, she feels she knows enough for now, and lets the steady beat of Holly's heart quell her lingering worries, at least for a little while.
/
Despite practically being given no choice about becoming a police officer – that was who the Pecks were after all – Gail has grown to love her job over the years.
She loves the uniform and the authority and respect it instils, and she loves that it gives her the purpose to serve and protect, especially for those that are unable to look after themselves. She loves the adrenaline rush she gets from driving the cruiser at high speeds, and the satisfaction she gets from arresting those that are causing harm amongst the good. She even loves the appreciation she's developed for firearms, not as weapons to cause destruction, but as tools to enforce the law.
The only part of police work that Gail's never been all that fond of, is the tedious amounts of paperwork they have to fill out laboriously at the end of each shift, for crimes big and small alike.
That's part of the reason why she's enjoying her promotion to detective-in-training so much. Of course, there's still paperwork to be completed, but the grunt work is something she can dish out to others to follow through on now while her focus gets to remain on the important stuff.
Being more thoroughly involved in the meat of a case is how Gail finds herself leading the bust of an up and coming weapons-dealer. The main suspect she's after, Tommy Armando, is small change compared to the gang leaders her brother goes after, but Gail's never felt more determined to get the job done right.
As far as she's concerned Tommy Armando is just the kind of scumbag she got into policing to take down. Much like the Curtis Payne case from a few years back, where the local drug kingpin was recruiting young, vulnerable kids to run his deals, Tommy Armando is recruiting susceptible teenagers to sell his highly dangerous merchandise.
He makes all the profit and the youths take all the risks. The trade off being, as far as they can tell from their stakeouts, a warehouse that acts as a roof over their heads, providing them with warmth and food, and a little bit of spending money for the kids to treat themselves to whatever they want.
Gail can't help but feel that it's her duty to take Tommy down and protect those teens he's introduced to a life of crime, especially if they're ever to have any chance at a decent life. She doesn't want them to get lost in the system so early, not without anybody trying to give them a helping-hand and showing them the reality of what Tommy's exposing them to.
"Everybody's in place, Peck," Swarek tells her as he draws his gun and readies himself. "We're ready on your count."
Gail nods in response, and takes a moment to calm her nerves, breathing deeply to steady her hands as she grips her gun. "On three," she orders firmly, making eye-contact with each officer in turn to ensure that they're ready. "One...Two...Three."
Everything happens in a blur then; the door bursting open and her leading the way inside with Swarek hot on her heels, the warehouse ringing with the surprised shouts and screams of the kids, and her swiftly pointing her gun at Armando while ordering him to put down his weapon and raise his hands.
The other officers flag around him, preventing any attempt he may make at escape, and as he stares unrelenting back at her, smirking evilly, she feels her skin prickle with disgust.
"I said drop your weapon and raise your hands behind your head," Gail demands fiercely once more, her finger sliding down to hover over the trigger of her weapon as Tommy jerks slightly, his intention unclear. "Put it down or I'll put you down."
"Well aren't you a feisty one, Blondie," Tommy comments, his smirk growing even as he slowly begins to lower his gun to the ground. "I do like feisty," he purrs, letting his eyes roam over Gail's body. "Always harder to break."
Gail refuses to let herself flinch even though his words make her stomach knot and her heart hammer painfully, the memory of a different but all together similar voice rippling around inside her head.
"Shut up and put your hands on your head, Armando," she instructs again, never letting her eyes waver from his as he does so, refusing to give him the satisfaction of trying to one up her. "Now drop to your knees."
There's a momentary pause before he follows the command, his eyes steeling over when he realises Gail isn't going to rise to his bait. "I'll remember your pretty face, Blondie," he retorts calmly, the totally unsubtle threat sending a chill through Gail's body as she watches him drop down onto his knees. "You can be sure of that," he adds with a sickening, wry smile.
"That's enough scumbag," Swarek cuts-in, holstering his gun and moving in to cuff the guy, ensuring that he does so rather forcefully before yanking Armando roughly to his feet. "I think it's time for you to go rot in a dank, dark cell for the rest of your pathetic life."
Armando grimaces slightly as Sam man-handles him, and curses under his breath. "See you around, Blondie," he calls over his shoulder as Swarek shoves him towards the exit.
Once he's out of sight Gail takes a second to close her eyes and release a shaky exhale, reminding herself that Armando is not Perrick. Even after all the years have passed since her kidnapping and Perrick's arrest, Gail still sometimes hears the sound of his voice taunting her, her dreams turning to nightmares that are filled with shadows and fear, and the deafening click-clacking of his wingtips against the cold, hard ground.
"Clear the rest of the warehouse," Gail orders, once she's regained some control of her thoughts, instructing the officers that aren't dealing with the youths to get back to their jobs. "Make sure there's nobody else armed in the building."
In hindsight, Gail knows that despite Armando's jeering comments, it's her own thoughts about Perrick that allow her to become momentarily distracted.
One second she's leaving the officers to clear the building, and the next her ears are picking up the faint sound of metal clanging against the floor from one of the rooms that's yet to be checked. She approaches somewhat cautiously, her hand just reaching for her holster when the door bursts open, forcing her to stumble backwards, and then, just before she can steady herself and drawn her weapon, the stock of a shotgun collides with her face and all she sees is darkness.
/
It feels like an explosion has detonated inside her brain, the aftershocks grinding through her skull and making every inch of her face throb relentlessly.
Gail's not sure if it's the doctor poking and prodding at her injury that make the pain so great that she has to reel away, or her own shame for not having drawn her weapon before she approached the door, that leaves her sinking back into the gurney and desperately hoping that it will swallow her up.
She feels like the world's biggest idiot. It was her bust, she was supposed to set an example, not end up looking like the lame, bumbling rookie who doesn't know his ass from his face.
"Fucking ouch," Gail hisses as the doctor presses against a particularly sensitive part of her cheek.
"Apologies Detective," the doctor replies with a small smile, not really looking sorry at all, and removing his hands from Gail's completely swollen shut left eye. "Your CT scan shows that you have a zygomaticomaxillary complex fracture."
Gail glares back at him with her one good eye when he doesn't explain further, but luckily, before she can growl out a response, Oliver cuts in from where he's sitting tucked away in the corner of the room. The same spot that he's been quietly watching over her from since they brought her to the hospital in all of her unconscious glory.
"You're gonna have to break that down a bit for us coppers, doc, we're simple folk," Oliver says with his usual charming smile and hint of sarcasm that Gail secretly adores.
"Sorry Officers," the doctor replies, glancing between them both sheepishly. "It's more commonly known as the tripod fracture. That is, a fracture consisting of three components; a fracture through the zygomatic arch, extending across the floor of the orbit and including the maxillary sinus, and also fracturing the lateral orbital rim and wall."
Gail glowers back at him. "So, basically I fractured my whole face... that's what you're saying here."
The doctor shakes his head. "No, that's not what I'm saying, Detective Peck," he replies rather curtly, evidently growing slightly agitated with the questioning. "I'm saying that you have a non-displaced tripod fracture, or in layman's terms, a fractured cheekbone and eye-socket on the left side of your face, that very fortunately doesn't need surgery and should, in time, heal on it's own."
"Well, you should have just said that in the first place," Gail scowls, grimacing slightly as a wave of pain thunders through her heavily bruised face.
"I've prescribed some strong painkillers to help you manage your pain while you recover," the doctor explains, obviously picking up on her discomfort, and tearing a page from his prescription-pad. "We'll follow up with an exam again in a few weeks to make sure you're healing properly."
"Thanks," Gail manages as politely as she can, watching to make sure he leaves before flicking her eye over to Oliver. "So, I royally fucked up, huh? You here to demote me back to rookie?"
"Afraid not, you're stuck being a detective now, Peck. You'll just have to live with your mistakes nipping annoyingly at your heels like the rest of us well seasoned cops," Oliver teases with a smile as he moves over to stand at her bedside. "I'm glad you're not too banged up, darlin'," he says kindly, letting his hand reach out to pats hers. "You're my most promising rook, you know."
"Even if I go blind in one eye due to my own stupidity?" Gail retorts wryly.
"Don't be so dramatic, the doctor said you'd be fine," Oliver replies in his fatherly tone. "But if you're not, I'll buy you an eye-patch, that's a promise."
Gail lets out an amused chuckle, stopping herself when she feels the muscles in her face pulling too harshly against her bruising. "Shit, don't make me laugh, you jerk," she grunts, slapping him on the arm.
Just as Oliver opens his mouth to reply, a familiar, but frantic voice echoes loudly down the corridor and fills the room, distracting them both.
"I got a call about Gail Peck being brought in?" the voice says urgently. "Detective Gail Peck. The message you left said she'd been hurt on the job?"
"I'm sorry miss, but who are you exactly?" another voice replies formally.
"I'm Holly Stewart, one of your nurses called me and left a message saying that Detective Peck had been brought here. So can you please tell me where she is?"
"I need you to calm down a second, Miss Stewart. Are you related to Detective Peck at all?"
"I'm her best friend and her emergency contact. You called me," Holly huffs angrily, her voice beginning to rise even louder. "I came, I'm here now, so can you please just take me to see her."
Gail can practically feel Holly's increasing frustration radiating down the corridor, her nerves clearly shot from worry. "Oliver, please go and get her before her wonderful nerd brain combusts," Gail urges, watching as Oliver simply nods in swift agreement and heads out of the room to collect her frazzled best friend.
"Since you're not related I'm going to have to ask you to wait while I check things out."
"Not related? I'm her family. I'm her w-"
She hears Oliver's voice cutting in then, saving the poor nurse before Holly can unleash her true rage.
"Holly, hey," Oliver says gently, his voice soft and reassuring. "I've got it from here, thanks nurse." There's a slight pause, and then, "She's okay, darlin', just a tad banged up is all. Come on now, her room's just down here, I'll take you to her. She's asking for you."
Within seconds Holly is barrelling into the room like a whirlwind, her eyes wide and filled with panic and worry as she rushes over to Gail's side, and engulfs her into a tight embrace.
"Oh thank god you're alright," Holly exhales shakily, burying her face into Gail's neck and breathing her in deeply, reassuring herself that Gail is really alive as she clings to her.
Despite feeling like her heart is ripping in two for causing Holly so much anguish, Gail can't help but recoil slightly as Holly's shoulder bumps accidentally against her chin, sending a rocket of pain rippling up the tender side of her face.
"Oh god, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, honey," Holly murmurs, pulling away instantly as her expression turns distraught once more.
Gail reaches out to cup her face, stroking her thumb lovingly across Holly's tear stained cheek. "It's okay, Hol, I'm okay. I promise," she emphasises slowly, searching out Holly's gaze to assure her that she's telling the truth, and stopping Holly from morphing into a full on freak-out. "Just a little sore is all."
"You're okay," Holly echoes in a whisper, her fingertips reaching out to trace delicately over the dark, purple bruises that have flourished to life on the left side of Gail's face, forming perfectly around her swollen eye.
"I'm okay," Gail confirms softly, watching as belief flashes in Holly's eyes, the relief following shortly after and washing over her, slowly beginning to ease some of the stress and rigidness from her extremely tense posture.
Holly swallows audibly, her breathing still a little rapid as she soaks Gail in, her eyes examining Gail's injury for herself. "I was so worried, Gail..." she confesses quietly, shaking her head slightly, "...so, so worried. I thought something awful had happened. I thought you might be shot or stabbed or-"
"Shhh, baby, I'm fine," Gail shushes consolingly, the endearment slipping past her lips without a second thought as her hand slides down to Holly's neck, and gently urging her forward until their foreheads are resting together. "It's all okay, I'm fine, you don't need to worry anymore, okay? I'm alive, I'm not dying, I'm just bruised up, I promise."
She feels Holly shudder in response to her words, her eyes fluttering closed and her breathing steadying as she lets herself get lost in their closeness. "Don't ever scare me like this again," Holly pleads desperately, nudging her nose lovingly against Gail's. "I couldn't stand it if I lost you."
"You won't," Gail promises, her voice quiet but resolute. "I'll be extra careful, I promise. This was just stupid, I wasn't being smart or cautious enough."
"Well you need to be," Holly fires back sternly as she pulls back just enough to find Gail's eyes. "For your sake and for mine." She waits for Gail to nod in understanding and then lifts her head to ghost her lips over Gail's swollen shut eye, dusting the lightest of lingering kisses against her wounded flesh, almost as if she needs to believe that her touch can help Gail heal.
"I promise," Gail whispers again, letting her good eye flutter closed as she lets herself melt into the safety of Holly's arms.
"And maybe even for everybody else's' sake," Holly adds as an afterthought as she pulls back to finally search out Gail's eyes again, "because I really don't think they could handle me if I'm ever forced to actually pull the wife card, Gail."
Gail lets her lips curl up into a smile in response. "You did sound kinda scary, Lunchbox," she jests warmly, hoping to disperse Holly's lingering worry with some lightness. "Haven't heard you get that worked up since that time your moronic lab assistant dropped that collection of blood samples all over the morgue floor before you'd even had the chance to run them."
"Jesus, he was such an idiot," Holly replies, rolling her eyes, her mouth finally twisting up into that adorable crooked smile Gail loves so much. "I really am glad you're okay, Gail," Holly murmurs after their mirth has died down, gently leaning back in to rest her forehead against Gail's own.
Gail hums knowingly in response and squeezes comfortingly at Holly's neck as she keeps her close, her heart swelling with affection and gratitude at having somebody like Holly care so much about whether she lives or dies, and contentedly lets the noisy world around them fade away until all that's left mattering is them, and them alone.
Oliver's radio crackles behind them a few moments later, breaking through the bubble they've temporarily allowed themselves to get lost in and drawing them back into reality.
"Sorry," he says, clearing his throat and looking between them uneasily. "Now that your girl's here, Peck, I'll leave you in her safe hands and head back to the station."
Holly smiles gratefully over at him. "Thank you for staying with her and making sure she was okay, Ollie. I really appreciate it."
"Anytime darlin'," he says with a smile and a nod before letting his eyes flick over to Gail's. "Take a couple of weeks off and heal up, Peck." He holds his finger up to his lips as she opens her mouth to protest and flashes her a toothy grin. "That's an order."
Gail scowls in response and lets herself fall back again her pillows, "Fine."
Holly just smiles fondly at her and gets up to give Oliver a parting hug before returning to her seat at the foot of Gail's bed, her hand instantly searching Gail's out.
"Don't pout," Holly reprimands playfully, knowing how much Gail hates being stuck at home. "We'll get you discharged right away, and then we'll swing by yours quickly to pack a bag before heading back to mine so I can take care of you properly."
Gail softens immediately and curls her fingers around Holly's own. "I'll be okay, Hol, you don't need to nurse me," she says, even though the thought of being stuck at the frat house for two weeks with Chris and Dov hovering over her annoyingly is almost enough to make her regret her objection.
"Tough luck," Holly retorts with a smile, pushing to her feet and grabbing Gail's paperwork so that she can start filling out her discharge form. "You need to get some rest if you want your face to heal, and I know you won't do that if I leave you on your own, so you're staying at mine and letting me look after you."
"Hol-"
"Wife card," Holly declares, cutting Gail off before she even starts. "I'm calling it, Gail, so that means you have to shut up and do as you're told. I want to do this, okay? So just let me do it."
Gail knows if it was anybody else ordering her around and telling her what to do, she'd be scowling petulantly and continue to resist, but hearing Holly enforce her so-called wife card makes a river of warmth spread through her body, her heart bursting with a sudden rush of unbridled love.
"Okay," Gail relents with an appreciative smile.
She has somebody who truly loves her and wants to take care of her, not because they have to but because they want to, and Gail knows she should consider herself lucky, and count her blessings that that person is Holly.
Holly's the only person she ever wants to give in too, to be vulnerable enough to trust so completely. She just hopes, with all her heart, that Holly's feelings for her are evolving in the same way, because Gail knows, now more than ever, that being married to Holly is exactly how she wants to spend the rest of her life.
/
It feels like a jackhammer is pounding away beneath the surface of her skin, trying desperately to break free, the agony so great that she can feel her stomach twisting and churning with every breath she draws.
It doesn't seem to matter which way she attempts to lie, the tenderness has claimed every inch of her face, making it absolutely impossible for her to get comfortable.
"Have you taken any of your pain meds?" Holly questions, appearing in the doorway and looking over at her in concern as a whimper sneaks past Gail's lips. Gail stares back at her and shakes her head, grinding her teeth together to stop herself from crying out further. "Honey, why haven't you taken any? You're obviously in a lot of pain."
Gail swallows down the bile rising in her throat and sits up grumpily, giving up on her endeavour to try and nap. "You know why," she replies, her voice low and quiet.
Holly's expression morphs into one of empathy. She knows the story of Perrick and the kidnapping, of how Gail saw Jerry give his life to save hers. She knows of Gail's guilt for living and costing Traci her fiancé, and the shame she's been forced to feel from her parents for tarnishing the Peck name because she didn't put up enough of a fight when Perrick took her.
It's an utterly ridiculous and barbaric mindset for Gail's parents to have, as far as Holly's concerned, and yet no matter how hard she's tried to convince Gail that it wasn't her fault, that none of it was her fault, they both know that Gail still blames herself.
It's that self-deprecating blame that still haunts Gail with nightmares, especially when her mind is so inebriated with drugs that she's unable to grasp any control and fight against it. It's why Gail hasn't taken any of her painkillers, and why she won't, and they both know it.
Holly's seen what happens to her first hand. Saw it back in the early days of their friendship when a burnt wrist led to a hilariously high and goofy Gail during the day, but the moment sleep had taken her, her dreams had been conquered by demons that had left her tossing and turning and crying out helplessly until Holly had braved waking her.
Gail closes her remaining good eye tightly shut as the pain keeps on crashing over her, curling back up onto her side and trying to make herself as small as possible, as if that will somehow help minimise the agony she feels.
Holly comes further into the room then, crossing the space between them until she's perching on the edge of the bed at Gail's side, her hand instantly moving to soothe up and down Gail's back. "Oh honey," she murmurs sympathetically, her brow furrowing is distress at her inability to be able to do anything to help.
"It's fine," Gail mewls weakly, feeling tears brimming in her eyes as the dull, throbbing ache in her face remains incessant.
Holly shakes her head as her eyes grow increasingly worried. "It's not fine, Gail, you're in excruciating pain," she refutes, and then softly begs, "Please take the meds, honey. I know you don't like them because they mess with your mind and take you to that terrifying place that you hate, but they'll help ease your pain. And I promise, I'll stay awake – all night – if that's what it takes to convince you, and hold you, and make sure you don't get dragged under and swallowed up by the darkness."
A sob escapes Gail in response, fear prickling down her spine as she manages, just barely, to get herself to nod in agreement. Holly caresses her back reassuringly, and then gets up to fetch the meds and a glass of water. As Gail pushes herself to sit back up, Holly unscrews the cap and tips the bottle onto Gail's awaiting palm.
"I'm scared to do this, Hol," she confesses in a barely audible whisper, her gaze locking onto Holly's as she shakily curls her fingers around the two tablets that are resting in her palm.
"I know you are," Holly murmurs softly, holding out the glass of water for Gail to take when she's ready, and letting her free hand cup the uninjured side of Gail's face. "But I'll be here the whole time. I'll keep you safe, I promise. You just have to trust me."
Some people, Gail knows, would probably consider what she's about to do a leap of faith, to jump so blindly into somebody's arms and believe, without doubt, that they'll catch you. Trust, after all, is not something that the majority of people find easy to do, but with Holly, Gail has no doubt that she'll stay true to her word. She knows, deep in her heart, at its very core, that she trusts Holly unconditionally, that Holly is the only person – the right person – for her to allow herself to be truly vulnerable with as she's stripped raw and forced to bare her flaws.
It's not long after the medication enters her system that she feels her mind grow cloudy, her thoughts getting tangled up and lost amongst the thickening fog. Holly's there though, arms tightening around her and holding her close, keeping Gail tethered as her lips lovingly brush words of reassurance against her skin.
Her fingers clutch at the fabric of Holly's t-shirt as she feels her body growing heavy, her good eye fluttering against Holly's soothing caress as her fingers stroke through Gail's short hair, lulling her gently into the realm of sleep.
The last thing Gail hears as she finds herself drifting off is Holly's voice; "I'll protect you," it whispers earnestly, and with that belief enveloping her, Gail falls into a deep, dreamless sleep.
/
Three weeks after her bust mishap, Gail returns back to work.
Her fracture is healing nicely and her bruising has gone down significantly, no longer a deep, angry purple, but rather a healthy, glowing shade of yellow.
She gets assigned desk duty of course, Oliver ordering that she ease slowly back into things, and finds herself tasked with taking calls and catching up on case notes. It's boring work for the most part, but Gail's so thankful to no longer be stuck on Holly's couch watching mind-numbing reality TV that she doesn't mind in the slightest.
It's become almost habit now, the way she'll sneak the gold-plastic ring out from her pocket and spin it around between her fingertips. There's a strange comfort she finds in having it close to her at all times, a beautiful – albeit drunken and kind of messy – reminder that her feelings for Holly are far more than just friendly these days.
"What's that?"
Gail jumps at the voice, the ring slipping from her grasp and landing out on the desk in front of her. Unfortunately for her, Oliver's just that little bit quicker than she is, and he plucks it up before she has the chance to hide it away and claim it as nothing.
"Can I have it back please?" Gail says instead, hoping that her politeness will freak Oliver out enough that he'll return it to her without too many questions.
Instead, Oliver pulls out the chair next to hers and plops himself down, holding the ring up between his own fingers and inspecting it with interest. His eyes flick up to hers curiously after a few seconds and Gail immediately holds her hand out, less than subtly demanding it back.
"Does this have something to do with Holly?" he probes nosily as he drops it into Gail's awaiting palm, knowing from the way her eyes flash with relief that the ring holds meaning to her.
Gail feels herself blush slightly under Oliver's heated scrutiny, and tries to maintain her cool by shrugging nonchalantly. "What would a plastic ring have to do with Holly?" she retorts, glaring back at him with feigned annoyance.
"I don't know," Oliver replies honestly, holding her gaze and refusing to let her look away. "But you've been acting strange ever since you two came back from Vegas to celebrate your promotion."
"I'm always strange," Gail deflects weakly.
Oliver shakes his head. "Not like this," he says adamantly. "Something's different, something's changed, and I can't quite put my finger on it."
"Maybe because nothing's different, Oliver. Everything is as boring around here as always," Gail responds, absently twirling the gold-plastic ring between her fingers again. "You're the same, I'm the same, Holly's the same... nothing's changed."
She catches Oliver's gaze drifting down to her fingers, watching as she spins the plastic ring, and then she sees the realisation creeping over him as the puzzle pieces somehow fall into place, his eyes widening knowingly as he glances back up at her.
"You and Holly got married?!" he exclaims a littler louder than even he was expecting.
Gail shushes him quickly, slapping her hand across his mouth and glowers at him, her annoyance real this time as she quickly looks around to make sure nobody has overheard. "Could you shout that any louder, you jackass," she hisses, removing her hand from Oliver's mouth.
"Sorry," Oliver replies sheepishly, lowering his voice to a whisper, and then, once more, "You and Holly got married?"
Gail covers her face with her hands and releases a groan, stopping only when Oliver tugs at her wrists to get her to stop, and stares at her expectantly.
"Yes," she confesses, drawling the word out and nervously holding Oliver's gaze. "We didn't plan it, we were out celebrating, and we got drunk and then... and then we woke up and we'd gone and done this crazy, life changing, reckless thing."
Oliver nods understandingly, and Gail's surprised to find his eyes lacking judgement. "Are you and Holly, like, together now then?"
"No," Gail responds, shaking her head sadly. "I meant it Oliver, nothing's changed."
"Are you sure?" Oliver asks softly, gently taking the ring from her again and holding it between them. "Because it seems like something's changed, for you at least."
Gail feels her resolve crumbling under Oliver's gaze, the tsunami of emotions she's been struggling to contain for weeks now, suddenly overwhelming her. "I didn't mean for any of it to happen, I didn't mean for my feelings to change," she murmurs thickly, sucking her bottom lip into her mouth to hold back the onslaught of tears she feels building quickly behind her eyes.
"I know, kiddo," Oliver comforts, reaching out to pull her into a hug and dropping a kiss to the top of her head. "It's not just you, nobody ever sees it coming."
Gail sniffles against his shoulder, feeling an odd sense of relief now that somebody else knows about the feelings that have been slowly consuming her. "I'm so in love with her, Ollie," she admits, her voice stumbling slightly over the words.
It's the first time she's said it out loud, and as the words leave her mouth and echo through her body, it somehow makes her feelings seem all the more real. It's feels freeing and yet utterly terrifying at the same time, because now that it's out there, Gail knows that she can't ever take it back.
"Have you told Holly how you're feeling?" Oliver asks as Gail pulls back from his embrace, bashfully reaching up to rub away the tears that have managed to escape down her cheeks.
"I can't," Gail breathes out tenaciously, her eyes glazing over with panic and doubt. "I don't even know if she feels the same way, Oliver, and it's way too risky for me to just blurt it out without being sure that there's at least something there. I don't want to ruin our friendship."
Oliver presses his lips together in a small, sympathetic smile. He knows how dear Holly's friendship has grown to be to Gail over the years since they met, and how completely destroyed she would be if she ever messed it up, and yet...
"From what I witnessed at the hospital between you both," Oliver says softly, careful not to overstep his place, "I'd say your girl is definitely feeling something for you."
Those moments at the hospital all feel like a bit of a blur to her when she tries to recall the memory. She knows Holly was worried sick for safety, but that's the way she's always been when it comes to the dangers of Gail's job. The first time in their friendship that she'd been shot at and Holly had heard, she'd frantically rushed to the station to search Gail out, pulled Gail into the nearest interrogation-room with the need to check her over with her own eyes, and then pulled Gail into a relieved-filled, crushing embrace.
"Of course Holly feels for me, she's my best friend," Gail justifies, arguing with the same reasoning she's been using against herself for weeks. "But what if her worry that day was just regular friendly concern? I don't want to read into something that's not there."
Oliver scoffs disbelievingly and shakes his head at her. "She must be a really, really, good friend then, Gail," he retorts with an admonishing grin, "because none of my buddies have ever held me close and told me that they can't lose me, and I've been shot a couple of times on the job with Sam right there to see it happen."
Gail opens her mouth to object and then closes it soundlessly, swallowing down the hollow words of her protest. She's knows it's her head that's trying to talk her out of the belief that perhaps Holly could be feeling even a smidgen of what she's feeling. But despite how powerfully her head always reasons, a part of her heart always manages to sneak through too, and whispers in her ear that Holly's reactions to her are filled with more affection than those of a mere friend, especially lately.
It's a constant conflict between what she knows as fact and what she dares to let herself believe, and despite the battle that rages on inside her, Gail knows that until she has some kind of solid, tangible proof that Holly does return her love, she can't and won't risk their friendship.
What she desperately needs to figure things out properly, is time to discover the truth of where Holly's feelings stand, and with no more mention of their imminent divorce from Holly in the weeks that have passed since they returned home from Vegas, Gail thinks she might just be lucky enough this once in her life, to have exactly that.