Shallow breath, shallow breath.
Shepard stared across her cabin into the light cast by her terminal. Her eyes were slits, as the commander tried very hard not to do anything that would add to her already annoying amount of wakefulness. The time displayed was half past twenty three hundred. Her sleep schedule, already disturbed by the ungodly hour she woke up that morning, now further disrupted by what was effectively an early evening nap.
Shallow breath, shallow breath.
She yearned for the sleep that she suspected wasn't coming. Her earlier slumber had been driven by exhaustion, a combination of her body's work to heal itself and the emotional toil from writing Ashley's mother.
Shallow breath, shallow breath.
Shepard focused to not concentrate on her breathing, trying to naturally draw one shallow breath after another. She struggled to let her mind drift, to regain the boneless relaxation that just a few hours ago had allowed her to fall asleep on the floor like a teenager. She smiled at that, only imagining what Liara must have thought upon finding her commander lying on the deck.
Shallow breath, shallow breath.
She gingerly rolled onto her back, putting her arm over her eyes. She acknowledged the thoughts that wouldn't leave her mind.
Shallow breath, shallow breath.
She was frustrated with the Council, infuriated by the command lockdown of the Normandy. She was guilt ridden about Virmire and the decision she'd made there. She was curious about Liara's meeting with the consort, something she had hoped to discuss with the maiden at dinner.
Shallow breath, shallow breath.
And there was the final straw, driving the commander to finally admit defeat. Liara's brief visit, while performed with intent of granting Shepard the comfort she'd need to sleep through the night, had done the opposite. Sarah's brief moment with the young archaeologist had only worked to draw the desire to interact with the maiden to the forefront of her mind. It had barely been an hour. With any luck Liara was still awake and could be persuaded to one of their late night sojourns to the mess. Shepard almost chuckled to herself. She hadn't performed a nighttime raid on the mess with the maiden since the night before Noveria. It had been less than two weeks, but Crosby most likely was starting to think that his kitchen was safe again.
Shallow breath, shallow breath.
Just realizing how long it had been was enough to motivate Sarah to action. She carefully put her feet on the floor, and braced herself against the edge of the bunk to allow her to sit up while keeping her back straight. The medi-gel injections seemed to be working, as she experienced very little discomfort. Much less than she would have with such motion just a few hours earlier. Relieved at the progress she seemed to be making, the commander brought herself to her feet in a slow but deliberate motion.
Back straight, Shepard marched purposefully out of her cabin.
.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.
Liara was still having difficulty adjusting to the brevity preferred by the Alliance military. When Shepard had first suggested that Liara submit her own mission reports to the Alliance, she had taken to the idea wholeheartedly. Although she had come into her own as a fully contributing member of Shepard's squad, it had appealed to the maiden to be useful in her field of expertise in addition to her role as a combatant. Not being familiar with what such reports should entail, Liara had asked to see the reports that Shepard had been preparing since taking command of the Normandy. The spectre had granted access to the file location where she stored her copy of the mission reports after they were transmitted. Usually they were just a paragraph or two which essentially stated the objective of the mission, and that it had been accomplished. Although all of the reports were correct in content, the maiden found them lacking more than a minimum amount of detail. Liara had been pleased to find that the commander demonstrated a proficient writing style, she just didn't appear to be unduly concerned with written reports. Seeking a more formal example, Liara had summoned the courage to ask Lieutenant Alenko if she could have access to his reports as well. The lieutenant simply nodded, and had subsequently sent her copies of every after action report he'd filed since coming on board. Liara had discovered the lieutenant's writings averaged a few pages per mission and followed a common template. Although they contained far greater detail than the commander's, Liara found them to be excruciatingly dry reading. Given such dissimilar reporting styles, the young archaeologist was convinced that her writing skills far exceeded what was necessary to draft mission reports. Over the course of several sorties, she had become comfortable with submitting her version of events to Alliance command while maintaining copies in her own journals as well.
Her comfort got the better of her after the mission to Feros. Finally, she was able to do more than merely outline the events as she had participated in them. Feros' history as an influential Prothean colony had allowed her to bring her experience as an archaeologist, and as much as she hated to say it, as a member of the Asari aristocracy into play. Her personal role and observation of the mission activities had been little more than a prologue. She had gone on to outline the long term impact that Prothean colonization had had on Feros. She had offered opinions on how the Human colony could benefit from certain remaining technology, and what artifacts were better left to museums and researchers. She had postulated likely scenarios how the Protheans and the Thorean could have coexisted, and what the ramifications of that coexistence might have been. She gave a point by point discourse on how the actions of ExoGeni, Saren, and Benezia had led to the Normandy team's encounter with the Thorian, and why it required the death of a heretofore unknown sentient species. She had gone on to describe how existing laws and regulations in Council space, if followed, were designed to prevent just such an occurrence. She had been fully in her element, and had worked on the report nonstop for days, taking breaks only for personal care and sleep. The final result was a whopping 103 pages, and included over 3 dozen citations, only two of which were to her own prior works. Forwarding the report to Arcturus had left her with a sense of weary accomplishment that she'd seldom felt since defending her thesis.
The feeling was short lived, as Joker had woken her merely 5 hours later with none other than Admiral Hackett waiting to speak to her. The admiral had grilled her mercilessly. Liara had originally been hesitant to answer his questions in detail, fearing the man was seeking weaknesses in the way that the mission and been handed. She had no desire to be the cause of any hardship for Shepard. Hackett had only pushed harder, insisting that she move beyond her original written opinions into detailed analysis of not only what could have been done differently, but the potential ramifications with Council species given the terms of ExoGeni's leasehold on Feros.
Liara allowed herself a half smile at the memory. She had afterwards rushed to Shepard practically in tears, fearing that she had been somehow disloyal. The commander had merely waved her concerns away, telling the maiden that if Hackett wanted an expert viewpoint, he couldn't do better than Liara. When Liara insisted that Hackett seemed particularly concerned with alternative ways that the situation could have been handled, Shepard had pointed out that the purpose of mission reports wasn't simply to document what had happened, but to force participants to confront any errors they might have made. She assured the young doctor that Hackett's zeal was likely caused by having access to a viewpoint that he'd never had before.
That hadn't been the last debriefing that the maiden had had with the Admiral, although certainly the most intense. She had not yet decided if the liked the man, but he had never treated her with anything less than courtesy. He undoubtably knew her standing in the Asari gentry, but he only ever addressed her as 'Doctor'. If he had a question based more on galactic politics than her studies, he made it a point to broach the subject neutrally, often framing the question from a perspective of asking a well informed galactic citizen, not an Asari aristocrat. She had appreciated the equivocation, even though now as the head of House T'Soni she could no longer pretend that she had no duties beyond her professional career. He did occasionally tease her however, reminding her that hers were the only mission reports that he'd ever received that had been suitable for peer review. The first time the admiral had made that comment had prompted Liara to do some additional research of her own. She had not been surprised to discover that the admiral held a doctorate of philosophy in strategic studies. She had been surprised to see that the admiral had also earned a doctorate in xenosociology from the University of Cipritine, and had been the first Human to have done so. She was sure there was quite a story behind that achievement, given the timing.
She believed that she had abridged this report as much as she was able. It had been difficult to restrict her content to the facts as she had observed them considering her emotional condition during the mission. Still, she felt that she had done all she could to provide a dispassionate accounting of the mission to Noveria. Given that the successful completion of the mission resulted in the death of her mother, she wasn't looking forward to a discussion with Admiral Hackett on the finer points of the events that had occurred at Peak 15. She hoped the admiral would understand that, but also knew that if he felt he needed additional information, he would have no qualms about a more in depth debriefing. The mission always came first. After one last read though, she filed the report for delivery to the Alliance.
All in all, Liara was having a productive evening. She would spend time with Shepard at every opportunity, but surrendering to that desire usually came at the expense of sleep or accomplishment. Tonight had seen not only the final completion of the Noveria mission report, but also significant progress in catching up on collating data for her Prothean research. She had even spent some time answering the mounting message backlog from Thessia. She had yet to even respond to all of her condolence messages about Benezia's release, let alone keep up with the abundance of day to day correspondence regarding House T'Soni.
Fortunately, her instincts had so far proven correct about Iryra. She had demonstrated herself to be both diligent and effective as an administrator. Most of her needs so far had been a matter of learning Liara's preferences in handling ambiguous matters. Once Liara had expressed a preference in an area, that inclination was reflected in future decisions. Given the volume of requests for decision that had been forwarded, Liara was pleased with how many Iryra was handing herself in her new role as lead acolyte.
She decided that the rest of her efforts this evening would be dedicated to House needs. As she prepared to sort through the mass of datapads on her desk, her body chose that moment to remind her in the form of a noticeable gurgling sound that no, she had not eaten that evening. She had hoped to dine with Shepard, and had been too distracted with work to make other arrangements when that didn't happen. She glanced at her chronometer. Not so early that she might expect to encounter others in the mess, yet not so late that she might regret this course of action in the morning. Her decision made, she scooped up the pile of datapads, and exited her lab.
.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.
Several minutes had passed with remarkably little progress. Liara remained standing in the mess, realizing that most of her self sufficiency on dig sites had been the result of pre prepared meals that only required reheating. She had already stubbornly decided that she wasn't going to admit defeat and limit herself to field rations. That decision had turned into a more difficult course of action than she had expected. Sergeant Crosby had delivered a myriad of both Human and Asari dishes from this extremely compact kitchen, and she refused to admit that she couldn't at least coax a simple meal from it. She had already lowered her expectations below any of the proteins that Crosby usually presented to the crew at mealtimes. At this point she would be happy with oatmeal. She had so far managed to find both the oatmeal and a pan to cook it in. She was well on her way, if only she could identify how to activate a cooktop. Or find the water dispenser.
She was still standing in the mess, her frustration clearly showing on her face when Shepard rounded the corner from her cabin. The spectre stopped short upon noticing Liara, and after a brief pause, changed direction to join her. As she drew closer, a smile, the first true smile since her meeting with the Council, unfolded on her face.
"Hey Liara," the spectre asked as she crossed her arms and leaned her hip against a counter. "Whacha doin?"
With a pan in one hand and a container of oatmeal in front of her on the counter, Liara was fully aware that it was obvious what she was doing. "I was hungry Shepard." There was a teasing look in her eye. "And you have made it very clear that I am not to skip meals."
"Oatmeal isn't much of a dinner."
"I was trying to avoid something overly difficult."
"Was it easy enough? I don't see a lot of progress here."
"I was still familiarizing myself with the kitchen."
"Well, you have more familiarization to do then. The water dispenser is recessed, as are the cooktops." Shepard pulled one of the heating surfaces forward over the countertop to demonstrate. Shepard then took pity on the maiden and stepped forward to take the pan from her. "Go sit down. This isn't a night for oatmeal anyway."
"What is is a night for?"
"Comfort food."
"I am not in the mood for ice cream Shepard."
"No one's ever not in the mood for ice cream Liara, but that's not what we're having." She glanced at the pile of datapads visible in front of one of the chairs in the mess. "Go get yourself organized while I start cooking."
Liara watched warily as Shepard proceeded to pile several ingredients on one of the counters. Shepard paused as she looked up at her audience. "Get going, I can handle this."
"I would still like some tea Shepard."
The commander already had strewn ingredients and cookware across most of the surfaces of the compact kitchen. A brief glance confirmed that she had left little room for Liara to make tea. "I'll get it too. Go sit down."
Liara sheepishly made her way to the table where she'd placed her work. She kept glancing over at Shepard to see if there was some way she would assist. Liara had to admit that even if there were room for two to easily work in the mess, Shepard obviously had things under control.
As Liara settled herself into her seat, she was distracted by watching Shepard. The spectre was still holding her torso erect, but seemed to be in much less discomfort than earlier in the day. The woman moved to and fro in the small kitchen, cutting ingredients, warming a frying pan, and thawing some frozen meat. The touch of a smile on her face was reflected in her eyes, and the commander was humming to herself, a tune that Liara couldn't hear well enough to identify. This was a side to the commander that Liara enjoyed, but that so far had only revealed itself when they were alone. She doubted that anyone other than Dr. Chakwas was aware that Shepard even had a domestic side to her. Liara could scarcely believe it herself. Still, it filled Liara with happiness whenever she had opportunity to see it. Cooking was one of the ways that Shepard consistently demonstrated affection for the maiden. It had been since the very beginning of, well, whatever this was. It made Liara feel cared for in a way that was difficult for her to describe. Even her own mother had never cooked for her. She had missed it in the days since Noveria - days when she had needed it more than most. Shepard had been nothing but supportive, incredibly so in fact, since the death of her mother. Still, even as Shepard had helped with Liara's duties to her House, Liara had hoped for Shepard to be more focused on her personally than on helping her with her responsibilities.
A combination of delicious smells pulled Liara from her contemplation. She looked down at her datapads, realizing that between watching Shepard and being lost in her own thoughts, she'd accomplished nothing since sitting down. Despite her backlog, she couldn't bring herself to regret her actions. Even now her attention returned to Shepard as the commander continued cooking whatever it was that smelled so good.
Shepard glanced up, caught her looking, and rewarded her with a smile. "It won't be much longer, I promise. I just need to sear these potatoes. I even already have the water heated for the tea."
"I wasn't complaining Shepard."
"You never would complain Liara."
The maiden turned her head away at that, even as she felt the blush rise to her face. Shepard was right, of course. It was difficult for her to bring herself to be critical of the commander, even in those extremely rare cases where she might consider it justified. She might hold herself to impossible standards, but never Shepard. Shepard did that to herself. She looked back up at the Human, still in motion. She could watch her for hours. Wanted to. The muscular arms visible out from under the rolled up sleeves. The controlled power exemplified by her economy of motion. Liara licked her lips, and realized that her breathing was coming somewhat faster. She shook her head to clear it just in time for Shepard to turn off the cooktop.
The rattling of plates preceded Shepard's emergence from the kitchen. Liara stood to assist, but received the expected head shake from Shepard. The commander placed the food in a line across the table on the opposite side from where Liara was sitting.
"Now you can stand up." Shepard turned to go back to the kitchen while Liara stood and walked around to the oither side of the table.
She was still standing there when Shepard returned with the tea. "What are these Shepard?"
"That my dear Doctor, is the exemplar of Human cuisine. I give you The Bacon Cheeseburger."
"Comfort food is the ultimate Human culinary expression?"
That brought a wry grin. "Well if it isn't, it should be."
"And what is the rest of it?"
Shepard demonstrated with the contents of one plate, "You add any of these that you like to the cheeseburger. Lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles, mushrooms." Shepard demonstrated by adding some of each but the mushrooms to her cheeseburger. She then went on to indicate another plate with small portion cups on it, "Here you have ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise, also for the cheeseburger." She left those untouched. "This last plate is tomato-potato salad with basil," she paused for a moment, and then continued in a slightly quieter voice, "just like mom used to make."
Liara paused from trying to balance a third tomato on her cheeseburger. "This was your mother's recipe?" Shepard almost never made reference to her family.
Shepard didn't meet her eye, but continued to add more of the salad to her plate. "Cheeseburgers are served so many ways in so many places, both on Earth and off, that no one could really lay claim to it." She paused again, " but the salad was one of the first things my mother taught me how to cook. It was always my favorite."
Liara waited for Shepard to continue. The spectre so seldom disclosed anything about herself that Liara was unwilling to let the moment pass. She stepped close to the commander, paused for the briefest of moments before putting a hand lightly on her upper arm. "It was your favorite?"
Shepard had finished taking her portion, but continued to look at the salad. "I liked the hot slices of potato with the cold of the tomato, and it is very simple to make." She glanced over at Liara, her smile starting to make a reappearance. "Once I was able to grill the potatoes this was almost all I ever cooked for myself," her smile grew larger as she put her hand over Liara's. "I was a weird kid."
Liara gave Shepard an encouraging look. "I am sure your mother did not think so, Shepard."
Shepard seemed to shake off the moment of melancholy. "So? Sit down, dig in." She indicated the burger on the maiden's plate. "You'll want to eat that before the tomatoes get hot."
"Is that why you serve it in pieces?"
"Yes, the vegetables are fresh, not cooked."
At Shepard's insistence, Liara sat while Shepard poured the tea.
Tea in one hand, and her own coffee in the other, Shepard sat next to the young archaeologist. "Go on, try it."
The maiden reached for her utensils, much to Shepard's obvious horror.
"Wait, no. Like this." Liara watched as Shepard took her own cheeseburger in her hands and brought it up to her mouth, taking a giant bite that Liara didn't believe she could emulate.
"I do not think I can do... that Shepard." Liara looked mortified.
Shepard grinned back over a mouthful of food.
Liara looked doubtfully down at her plate, eventually picking the cheeseburger up with two hands. She needed to compress it substantially to be able to actually take a bite, but take a bite she did. In addition to the rather... noteworthy mixture of flavors, she was rewarded with a rush of tomato juices running down her chin.
Shepard chuckled as the maiden looked at her reprovingly, and just handed her a napkin, as her own mouth was still too full for words.
They ate together in silence for a few minutes. Liara spent the time wondering if Shepard was going to reveal more about her family, while Shepard was focused on if Liara seemed to be enjoying her meal. It was Shepard who finally broke the silence.
She indicated the several datapads spread around Liara, "What are you working on?"
"Quite a few things Shepard."
The spectre reached across the table to pick up a datapad at random. It activated with her touch, revealing a missive from Matriarch Stallura regarding changes she was making to the supply chains within Khos. Shepard quietly put the pad down as she guiltily looked at the myriad pads scattered across the table. "I'm supposed to be helping you with these, aren't I?"
Liara looked at Shepard with a start. "Shepard! No! I do not expect you to assist. Technically you are only required to step in if I demonstrate a lack of ability to manage the affairs of the House."
"You don't want me involved?"
"Of course I want you involved Shepard! That is why I..." The maiden trailed off, not certain that she could extricate herself from this new disclosure.
Shepard was silent for a moment. The she wiped her hands and reached out for Liara's right hand, which seemed to have taken up permanent residence covering her eyes. She tenderly pulled the protecting hand away from the maiden's face, and down to the table where she held it gently. "I'm sorry Liara. I left all of this to you and didn't even think. You've been patiently waiting for my help with this and you've never said a word."
"Shepard," The young Asari wasn't going to let the commander hold herself responsible for this, "I was well aware of what I was doing when I selected you to stand with me. I knew of your responsibilities as a spectre, as a commander in the Alliance navy. I know that the mission to apprehend Saren takes precedence over everything else, especially this." She waved her free hand at the datapads on the table. "I would never ask you to put anything ahead of your duties."
Sarah looked earnestly at Liara. "This is my duty too. I accepted my role in House T'Soni with my eyes wide open. I admit, it hasn't been the best time to learn what that means, and what my responsibilities are, but I want be there for the Denai, Stallura, and all the others that are depending on us." She looked deeply into Liara's eyes. "I want to be there for you too. I'll always be there for you."
Liara was swimming in the green eyes, mere centimeters from her own. She found it difficult to breathe, let alone respond, as she was held enthralled by the intensity of Shepard's gaze.
It was there, in that moment, when her raptness was interrupted by another voice.
"I thought I could smell cheeseburgers."
Liara's head snapped around to see Lieutenant Alenko enter the mess. She quickly tried to pull her hand back from under Shepard's, but the spectre held it fast. Not so tightly that she couldn't pull away if she really wanted to, but firmly enough to communicate that Shepard wanted Liara's hand to stay right where it was.
Alenko walked up to the table. "That's quite the spread. Is this for anyone? Who's the cook?"
"I am Kaidan," Shepard comfortably met the lieutenant's gaze, "and you're welcome to have some. I got a little carried away."
"What's the occasion? Are you celebrating your victory this morning or are you..." his voice trailed off as he noticed Shepard holding Liara's hand. His tone suddenly became stiffly formal. "I apologize for interrupting Ma'am. Good evening." He turned to leave.
"Knock it off Lieutenant. You're off duty, I'm technically detached to the Citadel Council, and the ship's grounded. Sit down and have a cheeseburger."
The young Asari looked over at Shepard incredulously. Shepard gave her a droll smile in return, and squeezed her hand comfortingly.
Alenko's posture eased slightly, but he made no move to return to the table and as he turned back his look continued to judge. "I wouldn't want to intrude Ma'am."
"I said knock it off Kaidan. If you call me Ma'am one more time this evening then you'll have to clean this up by yourself."
Kaidan slowly returned to the table, and lowered himself into a chair across from Shepard. As he assembled a burger for himself, he indicated the collection of datapads. "Working late?"
Shepard looked at Liara, implying that this was her opportunity to join the conversation.
"Most of these involve administrative functions of House T'Soni."
"Benezia left a mess behind?"
Shepard's eyes hardened, but Liara took no offense. "She took very little interest in House needs over the last 10 years or so, due no doubt to the influence of Saren. The affairs of the House are in reasonable shape, but there are a great many details that need to be attended to."
"So you're playing catch up?"
"And directing efforts to assist in preparing for the Reapers."
"You think it will be that bad?"
"Through Shepard, I have seen the events detailed in the Prothean beacons. Also, my work has revealed to me how few remnants of the Prothean civilization remained after they were destroyed by the Reapers. If we are not strong enough to fight them, then we may have to focus on doing our best to get out of their way."
"I've seen you in combat Liara, I didn't think you'd back away from a fight."
Liara's look turned grim. "I am certain there will be a significant amount of fighting in any event."
Shepard looked from one to the other, as neither seemed to willing to continue along that line of conversation. "Let's not run up the white flag yet folks. One step at a time. Saren first, saving the galaxy from certain destruction second."
Alenko turned to Shepard. "And we can't do either while secured to the dock."
"Anderson's working on that. So is Admiral Hackett. If neither of their plans work I've asked Tali to try to find ways to overcome the lockout."
"Do you think she'll succeed?"
"No, not really. But I'm not going to sit here and wait for the Council to come to their senses. We're going to Ilos, and we're going in the Normandy. I'm not going to stop trying just because it's impossible."
"If impossible is the order of the day, I'd better get some sleep. The food was excellent." Kaidan rose from his seat, and he nodded to the commander and the Asari both. "Commander, Doctor." He walked from the mess without looking back.
As soon as he was out of earshot Liara turned to the Shepard, her voice a whisper. "I am sorry that I embarrassed you in front of the Lieutenant." She lifted her hand, still held by Shepard's. "It is not my intention to cause difficulty for you with the crew."
At that Sarah finally released the maiden's hand, and instead reached out and pressed her palm to Liara's cheek. "No, I'm sorry. It's true that I need to project a professional demeanor, and maintain discipline on the ship. In trying to do so I led you to believe that I'm embarrassed or ashamed by you, and I'm not." She lifted her other hand to cup Liara's face. "The mission still comes first, and I have a ship to command, but I care about you a great deal. I don't know where this is going, but I'm not ashamed of it, or of you. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel otherwise. OK?"
Shepard felt the maiden's cheeks grow warm under her hands, and after a moment Liara nodded.
"Good. Let's take care of these dishes and get some sleep."
A/N: Assumptions here include:
FemShep/Liara (Not yet LI, but oh so close)
Later ME1 - after Feros, Noveria, Virmire and this is the 6th story of the Cari'ssi'mi series
Shepard is:
Colonist / Vanguard / War Hero
As always, feedback is welcome and desired.