This chapter involves a series of tragic events and the question of God's existence. If you are sensitive to these subjects, you may wish to skip over those scenes. They will be marked with a line break before and after. This does shape Yuuki's character and is important in building the relationship she has with Mayuri though. Since her history will take time to explain, this chapter is broken into 2 parts.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach
All of the Doubts and the Outbursts
Mayuri watched Urahara in concentrated interest as he placed the sensory knobs on Yuuki.
"This is a breach in privacy, but the Captain-Commander asked that I investigate how she was able to get away with all the transferring. He, among several of the other Captains, has found her uncontrollable. They are worried about the data she has for each division which is all of them, and they fear that she has an underlying motive for collecting it. We're going to see if they have a right to be worried. Personally, I am hoping to find evidence in her defense. Also, her recent dreams have indicated that she is aware of their suspicions against her," Urahara explained as he handed the new Vice President of his Research and Development Institute matching stickers to see into Yuuki's mind along with him.
"I'm sorry to get you involved, but some say that I may be biased. The Captains may think that I'm lying to protect her," Urahara continued with a boisterous laugh.
"I wonder why that would be," Mayuri commented dryly.
The few hours he shared with the girl in this life he learned that she was anything but a schemer that played games. Any fool could have seen that. Had he wound up surrounded by idiots that would mistake this woman as an enemy?
Urahara spared another laugh before starting the invasion. They appeared to pop into another universe, one that was made of shadow. Kurotsuchi stared in awe.
"You should not be here," a sinister voice boomed against the invisible walls.
A tall, slim figure approached them. It appeared to be gender-neutral. It was at least two feet taller than they, had long ruby-toned hair, and was dressed in armor as black as the world around them. The top half of its face was hidden be a mask distinctly only found on hollows. The being also possessed large wings that expanded twice the size of the creature with each having numerous rips and tears. The wings were tipped with bone-white horns. Although intimidating in appearance, it still held an air of majestic beauty.
"You must be Yuuki's ban—" Urahara began to tell the creature what he thought it was but was stopped in midsentence by the protector holding out a hand to silence him.
"I am Kurushimi . You should not be here," the spirit of the zampakutō repeated after announcing who it was.
"Your name is 'suffering'? That is very sad," Urahara spoke up again.
The spirit he acknowledged slid a sai from a sheath located amid its back and held it to Urahara's throat.
"I am her depression, I am her frustration, and I am her despair, envy, and loathing. Yes, I am her suffering," he slowly growled before narrowing the space between the sai and Urahara's open neck.
"Let him speak," another entity requested in a sweet sing-song voice.
This soul mirrored the counterpart in size, but that was all. The rest of its appearance was the complete opposite. This being was cloaked in the richest of ivory-hued robes. The wings for the second spirit were full of startling white feathers. The bottoms of the wingspan ended in rows of ebony horns. Atop its head was fine, golden hair that flew in motion despite the lack of wind to pull at it. Its face was not hidden like its counterpart, and it looked exactly like Yuuki's.
"Why? Why should we entertain them, Kibō? Does Yuuki not ask that we keep her secrets?" The stern protector inquired bitterly.
Kisuke noted the second sprit's name. This one must represent possibility, promises, optimism, and most importantly, hope.
"We are more than secret keepers, aren't we? We are her Bankai. We must look over her, protect her. She is lonely and afraid in this so called 'Soul Society'. Maybe they can help her overcome her shyness and stop the betrayer that is hidden among the elite here," the heavenly spirit suggested, proving Urahara's assumptions as to what Kurushimi and Kibō were, correct.
"She is not afraid," the demon countered, "only lost."
"Tell me, what is your purpose?" Kibō asked Urahara, flying closer to his direction.
He noticed the second sai tucked beneath the bird-like wing nearest him.
"Her soul is divided in two. I see why she is always in constant conflict whenever she needs to make a decision and why she is a duel wielder," he remarked to Mayuri before speaking to the spirit, "You stated that there is someone within the Soul Society that has ill will. Many believe that would be Yuuki. We are here to prove otherwise."
The two spirits that resided in Yuuki's sai began to discuss the severity of the situation while Urahara and Kurotsuchi watched impatiently.
"She will be ashamed that they will know her burdens. What say you, Kurushimi? Shall we let them pass?" Kibō asked.
"Now that she is closer to the danger, she is hinting to those that she is the danger. We cannot afford for that wrong assumption to linger any longer. If she is accused of treason and sentenced he will win," Kurushimi sneered, revealing shark-like teeth.
"Is the price worth the risk?" The two sai spirts asked unanimously to an unseen third party. Silence continued a little longer.
"Yuuki has given permission for you to enter. She demands chocolate cake without icing, because it is too sweet, and a bottle of white rum…she doesn't really care what brand when she awakens to make up for the trouble you both have caused. She is furious that you couldn't simply explain why you wanted to know of her agenda. I am against it, but for some reason she trusts that her Captain will not use her knowledge against her and she admits that she needs help," Kurushimi explained lengthily before clapping its hands.
The act caused the darkness around them to lift as if they had been blindfolded to preserve the surroundings. The darker soul disappeared, but the lighter one remained behind to guide them.
"To understand us, you must start at her beginning," the spiritual guide stated as the led them on.
They were directed to the World of the Living. A thick fog cascaded the grounds located in front of a massive manor. A sign posted on the entrance revealed that the mansion belonged to a Lord Hitsugaya. Kibō motioned to Urahara and Kurotsuchi to follow. Next to the large home was a sturdy, smaller building that sheltered the servants.
A young woman with light brown hair, lips upturned similarly to Yuuki's, and eyes as bright as ice lay in incredible labor pain.
"It's almost here, keep pushing," a midwife urged.
The onlookers were spared from the graphics once the spirit fast-forwarded the scene.
"Oh no, her hair," the midwife (who was also the newborn's grandmother) moaned. "You never mentioned that it was a Hitsugaya that took you. Is he married? If so, what will his wife do if she discovers his adultery? Only his clan is known to have silver hair at birth."
"Do not fret; we'll just keep her wrapped up. It's wintertime, so keeping a hat on her won't bring any misgiving," the new mother gasped, in awe of her little one.
"I suppose you are right. We must have faith in God. We will be strong for her, for our little Yuuki."
The time skipped with only a few stops along the way to show Urahara and Kurotsuchi how Yuuki was raised very religiously. Her mother heavily emphasized the existence of God, a new concept to the country of Yuuki's existence, and would refer her daughter to him whenever she was upset.
Not once did they see Yuuki cry when she was hurt as a result of her mother's disapproval of it. Whenever she got close to tears, her mother would recite Proverbs 31:25; "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future."
When the time hop finally stopped, they were directed to a celebration that was in full effect at the arrival of the Lord's new son, Tōshirō, five years after Yuuki's birth. All the servants and neighboring villages were invited to admire the new heir.
Yuuki's mother wound a purple scarf around her daughter's hair before taking dirt and dabbing it over her eyebrows to conceal their color.
"Stop mumby," Yuuki whined, pushing her mother away. She had a slight speech impediment due to her lack of contact with others.
"Listen, you'll understand when you are older. Are you able to squint your eyes as well? For now, please oh please just trust your mother," the woman begged.
Yuuki shrugged in response. Her mother expected her to walk around with dirt on her face and her eyes closed without any explanation. She was clearly not fond of that idea.
She was soon led into the manor she had never set foot in prior to this special day. She watched her mother wring her hands nervously and sweat steadily bead down her neck. Yuuki couldn't understand why the occasion terrified her mother so. They were only going to look at a baby, right?
Their turn finally arrived and Yuuki looked curiously at the infant causing all of the fuss. Kisuke and Mayuri could see surprise touch the little girl's face. She turned a stunned look towards her mother and was about to remark on her discovery of how much she looked like the infant when her mother pushed her away to let the next guest take a look.
"Why the rush?" Lady Hitsugaya asked, halting the line.
"Oh…you see…my sweet Yuuki isn't feeling herself today. I didn't want her to miss this opportunity out of respect, but I didn't want her behavior to embarrass me in front of the royal family," her mother answered anxiously while she tightened the knot on her daughter's scarf.
"That is completely understandable," Lord Hitsugaya acknowledged before motioning the next visitor to step forward.
Yuuki's curiosity melted into worry when the Lord's wife looked ominously at her. Yuuki squinted her eyes as her mother had asked her to do earlier and wished she had been doing so the entire time.
"Why do you insist on hiding such a pretty girl? I'm sure she would fit in well with the other house keepers. I could use another hand maiden now that I have a child," the Lady of the house coldly remarked. The edge of malice did not go unnoticed by those near.
"Her…odd…personality may push others away. I am afraid that I would not want her to step up to such an important role," Yuuki's mother stammered excuses as to why she never let her child help elsewhere and only kept her within the servants quarters.
"Interesting. Come here little one so that I can get a better look at you," the Lady asked with disregard to her husband's request to let the poor child go.
Yuuki obeyed reluctantly and was fully aware of the eyes of those present watching her every move.
"You have your mother's snaky smile. I always found it to be such an unusual trait among the Ichimaru clan. Perhaps it means that you are both sneaky and deceitful like those creatures," the woman began, picking the delicate child apart.
Yuuki's cheeks flushed in shame. She had never seen her own reflection and was starting to believe that she looked like a reptile. Had the woman not said moments before that she was pretty?
"Even with that mouth, your face is rather lovely. Those eyes are quite breathtaking. Some would say that they are very similar to the Prince's and his father's. That deep shade of blue-green isn't common," Lady Hitsugaya continued.
Young Yuuki could hear the room silence. The lack of sound was so poignant that it was deafening. She looked up at the young Lord for the first time since arriving and wished she had not. His face, other than his small pout, was a clone of hers.
At once, Yuuki knew why her mother never spoke of her father. At once, she understood her mother's insistence at keeping her hidden. At once, hell broke loose in the Hitsugaya household.
Lady Hitsugaya snatched the scarf from Yuuki's head and freed the silver threads tucked beneath it. The noble woman trembled in anger before losing dignity and stooping so low as to attack the five year old whose eyes emulated terror.
"Stop smiling! Stop taunting me with that mouth of yours you little wretch!" She shrilled as she hit Yuuki's face repeatedly.
"I'm not…I'm not smiling," Yuuki pleaded with the wild woman as she lifted her arms to defend herself. She prayed that God would erase the shape of her lips. Her mother told her to never cry and call upon him in times of trouble, so she held back her tears triumphantly and did.
The enraged woman did the unthinkable by withdrawing a concealed knife hidden in her sleeve, pulling Yuuki into a headlock, and carving a frown into the screaming child's face.
Was God mocking her prayer?
"You didn't think I knew about you? Is this really a surprise? You and your elegant hair of royal blood, you and your oceanic eyes, you and your 'mumby look at this', 'mumby watch me' mumbling speech patterns as you prowled under my nose? You— the constant symbol of my husband's betrayal? Years I have waited to get at you!"
"Take her away," Lord Hitsugaya commanded calmly to a wary guard as he snatched the knife away and wiped the blood on his own kimono.
"I am sorry to cut the visit short. Please forgive me, as I must dismiss you all," he informed the terrified audience. Their whispers were already spreading beyond the walls.
"I remember your face," Lord Hitsugaya said towards Yuuki's mother, "I recommend that you gather your things. I will prepare a carriage to take you both away. Yuuki, please stay here for the time being. I will see that your wounds are treated."
"She dreams of sharing the same mother of Tōshirō because if she had, this would have been avoided and her own mother's life would not have been at risk," Kibō added as they watched on.
Yuuki looked quietly on as her mother was escorted outside. The Lord of the mansion picked Yuuki up and held her on his hip as he walked towards a room at the far back of the home. The room they entered held a tall bed and a man who stood mixing herbs.
She gawked at the doctor as he made his way to her, still mixing the medicine he was working on. His head was crowned in vibrant blue hair and his eyes were more gold than a cat's. If her genetics were something to behold, she could only imagine how people viewed him. She only wished she could see the face under the porcelain paint. Urahara looked over at Kurotsuchi inquisitively.
"Yuuki stated earlier today that she didn't recognize you from the dream I creeped in. I wonder why she would lie about that," Urahara sighed.
"Maybe she wanted to spare your feelings," Mayuri replied smugly.
"Do you remember this?"
"No, that is not me."
Kisuke kept his opinion silent as they returned their attention back to the memory.
"Someone took matter into their own hands, I see," the Mayuri look-alike stated as he took in Yuuki's small face, "the cuts are very deep, but what I have will not only reverse the damage, but she will be free of scars as well."
"Excellent. I must leave you, but will return shortly," Lord Hitsugaya said and left.
"You do not have to gawk," her healer mentioned as he rubbed the herb mixture over the torn flesh.
Yuuki didn't answer and quickly looked at anything in the room but the mystifying man taking care of her.
"I have a son a little older than you. He would be intrigued by your condition to say the least," the medic noted before bandaging her wounds.
"Is he as beautiful as you?" Yuuki blurted, ignoring the notion that the man's son may have been odd. To her amazement, he did not tease her.
"If you find me as such, then yes."
Lord Hitsugaya returned as he said he would, picked Yuuki back up, and toted her away in the same fashion as he brought her in. Yuuki waved goodbye to the unique individual before looking at the man carrying her.
"Who was that?" Yuuki asked.
"Who he is or where he is from is unknown to me. I only know that his people specialize in curing ailments, surgical repairs, and many other things I am not able to discuss with a child so I hired him."
"Will I ever get to see Tōshirō again? Will I get to have a little brother?" She asked more questions, not really expecting any answers.
"I will arrange a relationship between you two when you are older. For now, it is best to send you away, Princess Hitsugaya."
"I am not a princess."
"You will be mistaken for one of my own regardless."
Yuuki remained quite the rest of the way as she took in her biological father's face to memorize it. He handed her to her grandmother who in turn kindly placed her into the carriage, boarded it herself, and waved goodbye to the master. It was the last time Yuuki would see the man that helped create her.
"Wait! Where is my mother? We cannot leave without her," Yuuki exclaimed as the horse-led buggy took them away.
"Sweet, innocent Yuuki, your mother will not be joining us."
The too young child didn't quite comprehend what she was told at that moment. She would soon understand in the ages to follow that her mother was tried and executed at the demand of the Lady.
She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future, Yuuki repeated mentally until they landed at a decrepit shack.
"She struggles to uphold that verse and that old religion now. The year she would leave the Human World is our last destination because many of her past recollections have been hidden so deep that even she cannot remember them. This is where she started losing faith," Kibō whispered as she sped time forward again.
They landed 11 years later into Yuuki's life where she was tending to the woman that raised her. Her face was healed perfectly as the doctor claimed and she appeared physically healthy, if not a little wan in appearance which was common for those mentally abused.
"Your hair is greyer than mine, Granny, and you are getting worse. I know I can find some herbs we can use to make you better," Yuuki sighed.
"For the final time, no! You must not go out today. My intuition has never failed and it is telling me that if you leave, something unfortunate will happen. Evil is in the air and it is looking at you," the nanny managed to sputter spookily before erupting in mucus-filled coughs.
"You sure are superstitious for a Christian woman," Yuuki smarted, hoping that her substitute mother didn't hear.
"What was that, Hitsugaya bastard?" Granny Ichimaru asked hoarsely.
Yuuki looked down at her hands embarrassed. It wasn't her fault that she was unwanted. She didn't make the decision to be born and yet her grandmother made it very clear that she was the reason for any disastrous event that occurred due to her being born.
"It's just…we are out of chamomile and I know that it helps if blended in your tea. You're getting paler each day and each day you tell me to stay put. I won't be gone long and I'm worried that if I don't find something to help now that…"
"That it will be too late," the old woman finished.
"Yes," Yuuki confessed.
"Listen to me. As much as it pains me to say so, your safety is so much more important than this old lady's cold. Besides, all you need to do is pray."
"Okay, grandmother," she sighed again.
"She noticed that praying wasn't very effective lately. She begged God to give her an opportunity to get out of the shack and find happiness. But, he found it necessary to keep her here watching a sickly grandmother that did nothing but insult her daily. Even so, she didn't want to be by herself and accepted the fact that she was the reason for her mother's demise and tolerated the inappropriate behavior," Kibō added clarification to the situation Yuuki was in,
"This was the twelfth day in a row that her sick grandmother forbade her access outside the home. She was getting restless and anxious waiting around. "
The senior fell roughly asleep within an hour and she decided to take action into her own hands. Praying wasn't helping her granny get any better any faster. She knew the woman would throw a fit when she returned with help, but Yuuki didn't mind. She wasn't ready to live alone just yet.
Yuuki didn't stop to bother with the herbs that grew wildly around the pitiful home. She remembered seeing a town close by that would surely have real medicine to use. That would cost money that she didn't have, but Yuuki prayed that she would find some along the way and she had faith.
Kisuke and Mayuri looked at one another when the Yuuki they were following stopped in her trek to the nearby town to spin around in the warm sun. Urahara and Kibō couldn't help but to smile at the laughing teenager as she tripped and fell into the tall lavender she was dancing in while Mayuri rolled his eyes in disgust. All four ceased to breathe when the ticking sound of a deathwatch beetle lingered in the summer evening.
The spies watched Yuuki as she slowly stood and looked around. Every chirp and click from the beetle made her jump. She shook herself to snap the fear out of her before bowing her head to pray.
"Hello there," an unfamiliar voice interrupted her silent wishes.
Yuuki's soul nearly left her body from the scare, but she replied to the stranger with a smile reminiscent of Gin's, or so thought Urahara.
"Why are you all alone?" the man asked innocently. The deathwatch beetle clicked again.
Yuuki's panic began to rise and she was failing to hide it from her eyes even though her smile remained wide and unwavering.
"I'm not alone… or I won't be for long. I am meeting someone."
"Out here?" The stranger asked, "Surely you know that the closest town is still another mile away?"
"We agreed to meet half way," Yuuki continued to stall and walked faster away from the interrogation and onward to the town.
"You don't say? Hmm. I must confess my transgressions since I caught you bowing to God. I'm a liar and a thief among worse. As such, I can tell when a person isn't being honest. You are as translucent as the tears rising in those pool-worthy eyes," the man taunted.
"You must be imagining things because you want to see me weep," Yuuki boldly replied and hugged the basket she was carrying to use for the medicine to her chest, "But I'll only disappoint you. I don't cry."
"Ah, I see that you have finally told a truth. A girl that doesn't cry? How exciting," he growled deeply before reaching out to her.
Yuuki put her weight into the punch she landed perfectly into the disgusting man's nose. She could hear a soft crack from the blow letting her know that the villain's muzzle broke before she turned and sprinted away. The man pursued her, laughing manically. It was all a game for him. She cursed the long dress that slowed her down. Only minutes passed before the beast caught her by her long hair and slung her onto her back.
"This is why she keeps her shihakusho so short. She never wants her running to be restrained again," Kibō interrupted once more before they returned their attention on the memory.
"The last one wasn't as quick thinking. You are much more exciting," he laughed harshly as he tugged her dress above her waist while she slung the basket at him over and over again. He disregarded the feeble assaults.
She ignored what he stammered in her ear and furiously fought the tears threatening to leave her just as hard as she fought the man trying to force them out. She was raised by an old woman that didn't have the time or the strength to teach her any self-defense. Yuuki bitterly regret disobeying the wise elder as she struggled. Now, she was about to learn the repercussions of waywardness but she would not cry.
Her wrists ached as the monster pinned them above her head. She desperately pulled her legs close to her stomach in a last ditch effort to kick him off. He must have been used to such tactics as he easily dodged her attack.
"How about a deal? I had every intention of killing you once I finished, but I'll let you go. Do you know the Hitsugaya family and their brat, Tōshirō? You look like them. I'll let you live and the next time you see that kid, let him know that Momo's brother bids him good tidings. They're visiting the town you're headed to. He'll be thrilled to know that I'll no longer trouble him." The stench of alcohol on his breath stung her nostrils.
Yuuki bit her tongue as the animal kissed her neck, abdomen, and thighs before slipping into her. She would not scream. She would not cry. She would not fear. She would, however, live. She would live and laugh without fear of the future.
She felt herself rip and whimpered in pain against her desires to keep quite. She didn't want to satisfy the demon ravaging her.
Kibō was facing away from the abuse in a fetal position, covering her ears. Urahara looked ready to vomit, and Mayuri looked coldly on. If Kisuke didn't know any better, he'd think that his comrade appeared poised to attack the ghost of a man grinding on the fragile adolescent.
The attack did not last much longer and the man climbed off Yuuki and tossed two silver coins at her. She laughed aloud at the money, scaring the rapist. He ran away as her laughter intensified. She had prayed for money for the medicine she needed, and this is how God provided it to her.
Soon, her sarcastic laugh turned sour as the irony wore off and she began to mirror Kibō's act of covering her ears and slouching in a fetal position. They watched her rock back and forth as she whispered "it's okay" over and over again all for the sake of keeping herself from crying.