Loss

"I guess I'll go next," Diane said with a shrug. The others turned to her as she gave a small smile, pulling her pigtails in front of her face. "Mgrubfagshmrg," she said.

"What?" Dr. Hawk asked.

Diane giggled and moved the hair away from her mouth. "I said," she said, "remember how I lost my Sacred Treasure, Gideon? And then we had to participate in that crazy Fighting Festival? The one where I fought Howzer? And Ban and Captain fought? And Captain had that weird thing happen and broke Ban? And King got beaten up by an old guy? And everyone called him Old Fart? And then I fought Captain? And Captain had those girls there? But it was really because of Ban? So I punched him into the ground? But then the Holy Knights showed up? And I fell down a hole and got naked? And that's how we got back Gideon? Well do you remember when Grand Master Zaratras was killed? And we all got blamed? So Captain made us split up? Did you know I had Gideon with me then? But I didn't have anything else? So you know what I did? Can you guess?"

"What?" asked King, dreamily hanging on her every word. The others looked at each other, trying to figure out what she was trying to say.

"Okay so here's what happened. I didn't have any food, so I decided to get a job, but I don't really know how to do anything except for fighting and I couldn't be a Holy Knight anymore since everyone thought that we killed the Grand Master so I decided that I should go and be like some kind of soldier for hire but everyone is so racist against giants and I couldn't find work anywhere so I was just like wandering around all over the place and I would eat like trees and hay and sometimes horses which was weird because I don't even really like any of those things but I found that if you serve it with some applesauce it kind of makes the rough texture of the meat go down easier so that's what I would do but if I couldn't find apples to make applesauce I would try pears instead but pears don't really-"

"Diane!" Meliodas interrupted. "Can you get back to the hammer?"

The giantess looked at him startled, but then grinned. "Right, Captain! So anyway, I had no food or money or other clothes except for these ones or even a bed or anything so I went to this guy who was named Jimmy or Johnny or something like that who had put up these posters saying he was looking for bodyguards but when I talked to him it turned out he wasn't looking for bodyguards, it was this other guy, but when I went to talk to him he was on vacation so I waited for like four or five days and made more applesauce and by the time he got back from vacation I had like twelve barrels of applesauce and I ended up selling them to a farmer for like three horses so that was enough for me to eat for like a week and as a bonus I made a really nice friend because the farmer had a wife who was super sweet and she lent me some curtains to make some clothes and sometimes she would-"

"~Come oooooonnnnn~" Ban groaned, helping himself to King's drink.

"Right! Sorry! Okay, where was I? Oh, right, so the guy who needed the bodyguard got back and I was like hey do you need a bodyguard and he was like yeah but what are your qualifications and I was like well I was a Holy Knight and he said no you weren't and I said yes I was and he said but you're just a girl and I said no sir I am a woman and he said if you are then prove it so I showed him my vagina and he was so amazed he didn't talk for three days so at the end of the three days he finally came out of his coma and was like yeah okay so you're a girl but how do I know you are actually powerful so I said well let me show you a trick so I picked up this huge boulder and threw it like seventeen miles and it ended up landing on this schoolhouse filled with children and unfortunately they all died but they forgave me in the end because it turned out that it was a school for bad kids and all those kids had like beaten up their grandparents and thrown their dogs in the river and one kid even wrote 'Lioness Sucks' on the side of a building which I don't think is right at all because of all the places I've ever lived I think Lioness is-"

Diane was cut off suddenly when Merlin leaned over the table and smacked her soundly across the face. "Would you please get to the point!" she shouted.

"Fine!" Diane yelled back, rubbing her sore cheek with a pout. "So after I killed all those kids the guy still didn't believe me so I was like look I can't just live on applesauce the rest of my life and he was like oh you like applesauce and I said yeah I like applesauce but not every day for like thirty years and he was like what kind do you eat and I said I make my own and he didn't believe me so I took him to see that farmer that I sold the applesauce to but it turned out he was also the teacher in the bad kid school so I had killed him too and at first I was afraid that his wife who had been my friend would be mad but it turned out he was like cheating on her with a goat so it all worked out and we had a big laugh and she let the guy look at the applesauce and then he was finally convinced that I can make applesauce but he still didn't believe I could be a real bodyguard so I showed him my Gideon but that's when I realized I didn't have Gideon at all!"

The Serpent Sin looked around with a huge grin. Everyone stared blankly back at her, nearly comatose from her incredibly boring story, until finally Escanor shook himself and said, "But you didn't tell us what happened to Gideon!"

"Didn't I?" she said, thinking to herself. She tapped her finger on her lips and said, "Well, I must have lost it sometime between leaving Lioness and making the applesauce."

"Thank you, Diane," Dr. Hawk said, making a note in his notebook. Meliodas leaned over to see what he had written. Scrawled on the paper in his piggy handwriting, it said: "Never let Diane speak again."