One of the sub-plots that will be included in The Epic Cars Fanfiction (Explicitly Not 'OF DOOM') will be Cabbie's Uncomfortably Emotional Subplot, in which he gradually comes to terms with some of his multitudinous emotional issues.

This is Cabbie's perspective on Chapters 7/8 of All Hallowed, after he and Nick verbally battle it out over Cabbie's treatment of Wally in front of the rest of the team.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Self-hatred, internalized homophobia, intense survivor's guilt, unhealthy emotional coping mechanisms, mention of considered suicide.

NAVIGATION

He would have felt less exposed with all his skin stripped off, every strut and scar exposed to their eyes.

Bad enough that it had happened at all. Over half a century he'd been keeping the anger and undeserved self-pity stuffed in a hole where it belonged - and he'd never fooled himself into thinking that it would stay there forever, but damn Nick to the Pits, why had he brought it up then? Why, at the one time his nerves were so damn raw just from the helicopter's presence that he couldn't keep his mouth shut and all his pain under wraps where it belonged?

Why in front of the eyes and ears of the entire team?

He couldn't shake the memory of their expressions, all horror and pity and fear and contempt as he'd turned tail and fled. He'd seen every damn one of them, from the fright on Dipper's face to the tears in Drip's eyes to the open scorn in Nick's, and couldn't decide which he hated more.

Or which he deserved more. Not the tears; all he'd done was get Wally killed. But Nick's anger and Dipper's fear - those he deserved. In some twisted, perverse way, he almost welcomed them, because they were at least honestly earned; not like the grief and pity he'd seen in the kid's faces. He had no right to that.

The familiar chill swept back over his starboard engine again, Wally's anchoring presence settling into place, and Cabbie breathed, a deep, shaking gasp of air that shook more than he would ever admit.

Shook more than it had in decades, he thought, with the memory of Wally's words from moments before still circling his mind in an endless loop.

"If you'd been the one to go down, I'd've gone down after you."

"Why?" Cabbie asked, finally, the rasp in his voice hollowing the word from a demand into a prayer. "Why would you have done it? I was never worth that."

"You are to me," came Wally's answer, immediate and unhesitating, and Cabbie shook his head, disbelief and denial biting into him.

"Why? I rejected you for years and ignored you for six decades, so what in the Pits am I worth?"

Wally chuckled, the soft light he cast flickering an impossible shadow off the wall by Cabbie's nose. "There's rules to this ghost stuff, ya know. I couldn't be with you if you didn't want me."

Cabbie flinched. Nick's words - 'At least mine isn't one-sided.' - had struck a mark in him, one that hurt more than it had a right to, considering he'd spent decades trying to make it precisely that. "I don't want -"

"To condemn me to an afterlife deprived of peace and Paradise, I know," Wally sighed, "but when are you going to learn that -"

The sharp blare of the siren cut off his words, and Cabbie half-turned towards his door - his duty mattered more than either his pain or his embarrassment - but Wally's numbing cold vanished from his wing before he could finish the movement.

It wasn't unusual for Wally to do scouting runs for him and Windlifter - both on the Base and on the scene - and usually he had no trouble waiting patiently for Wally's return. Today, though, it was all but impossible to sit and wait, with the rattling tension still humming through his lines.

"It's pretty minor, by all accounts," Wally offered as he returned, his comforting chill wrapping around Cabbie's engine. "Blade and Winds doesn't think they'll need the Jumpers at all, so we're off the hook."

The words were both a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because Cabbie certainly didn't need to be in the air right now, but neither did he need to be left with alone Wally and his thoughts. He could feel the emotions that Nick had torn up boiling under his skin, and knew full well that he only had a few minutes before he lost control of them.

"You should go," he managed, after a long moment of fighting the words out through a throat that felt too small. He could feel Wally's attention sharpen on him, a warm prickle of concern inside the cold, and drew in another breath, trying to force the words out better. "Help Windlifter keep a lookout. Blade is going to be distracted."

Probably both unkind and untrue; Blade was one of the better commanders they'd served under, and his devotion to his duty was unquestionable. But these were pretty unique circumstances.

The comforting cold of Wally's presence shifted, moving from Cabbie's wing along his side until Wally coalesced in front of him, a pale, gleaming face that stared at him with undisguised concern.

Cabbie stared back. He knew he couldn't hide anything from Wally, and didn't bother to try. After all these years, Wally knew him, undoubtedly far better than Cabbie knew himself. He saw the realization cross Wally's face, the soft wave of pain that rose behind his eyes, and had to close his own against the surge of guilt that lashed at him.

The brush of arctic cold against his lips startled his eyes open again, in time to see Wally drawing back from the kiss. "All right," Wally said softly. "Take the time ya need. But you call Windlifter the second you need me back, ya hear?"

"I hear," Cabbie answered, the words rasping out through a throat too tight for breath, his eyes slipping shut again. There was another brush of ice across his mouth before he felt Wally's presence vanish.

With his anchor gone, Cabbie stopped fighting and let himself fall beneath the storm.

By the time Blade knocked on his door, Wally trailing the helicopter in, he'd almost managed to fight his emotions back down where they belonged, stuffed under decades of pretending they didn't exist.

And then talking to Blade brought them all back up again, and worse.

He'd never actually had to spit out those words, never had to confess not only what he'd done but what he was, and he found that even trying - even with Blade, who he'd trusted with his life for years now, who would understand, because he was like that too - he couldn't make his mouth form the word.

'You still deserve to be happy.'

The words hung in the air for hours after Blade had closed the door behind him, silent echoes bouncing off the picture beneath the dust-coated glass and the icy chill spread across his back, unshaken by both the anger and the grief.

Wally's presence was as near a constant as he had in his life, a fixed point in uncertain skies. As steady and unchanging as the North Star, even if Cabbie followed his guidance... less than he probably should.

"You really would have risked it, wouldn't you? Us?"

Sixty years ago, six minutes ago. Wally's dedication to him had never shaken, even when Cabbie's own doubt and fear had left him rattled to his core.

"Still will if ya give me a chance," Wally answered, without a second of hesitation.

"I'm not sure how much of a chance either of us has," Cabbie sighed. "But I guess we should take what we're given."

Wally's shimmer brightened until his joy was truly enough to light the room.

~ END CHAPTER ~

Notes: Blade is actually demisexual (someone who requires a strong emotional attachment in order to feel sexual attraction) verging on asexual (someone who has no sexual attraction to other people, a trait which Maru and your author share) technically termed a grey-a, rather than homosexual, but explaining the sexuality spectrum to Cabbie is a task for another day and another story.

If you want to learn more about demisexuality or asexuality, AVEN, the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, is a great resource! (Just Google it, or check out this chapter on AO3 for a link!)