THE MUMMY

R

BY: BrokenAngel1753

DISCLAMERS: I still only own a few things:

1.) The plot

2.) Nerissa Wilson

3.) Henderson's first name (because I don't even know if he has one!) Jacob or Jake.

SUMMARY: This chapter is mostly HUMOR it's random as hell like me! Just please read it is AU!

Chapter One: French Foreign Legion

Nerissa had decided to join the French Foreign Legion; for two reasons. One she had wanted to have an adventure and two she was looking for a good time. So far it had been fun she guessed. Nerissa met a few guys named Rick O'Connell an American thrill seeker, Captain Winston Havelock of the RAF, 'Mad Dog' Maguire an Irish pilot and the cowardly Hungarian Beni Gabor. Rick and her became instant best friends and well Beni…Nerissa didn't even know if she could call him a friend vs. an acquaintance.

"Why are you in the French Foreign Legion? You kill a guy?" asked Beni Nerissa laughed before answering.

"Nah…just looking for a little excitement. And figured why not try something new? What about you two?" she looked to Beni who immediately answered.

"I robbed a Synagogue. They have a lot of stuff there. And you know who guards Synagogues?" Rick and Nerissa looked at each other before answering.

"Altar boys?" Beni nodded and muttered something mutely in Hungarian, to himself. "Whoa how scary! Altar boys!" they both mocked.

"So Rick why are you exactly part of the legion?" asked Nerissa as she loaded her rifle. He grinned at her before he spoke to her and to Beni.

"I was looking to have a good time." She laughed that was so Rick to say that. Beni was fidgeting with one of his many religious necklaces muttering about five trillion prayers from English to Hebrew. Rick raised an eyebrow and poked Beni's shoulder.

"Gimme your extra ammo and gun, you and I both know you won't even touch them." Nerissa glared before whining.

"Hey how come you get those? What about me!" Rick laughed and replied with something like 'I asked first!' As the three of them waited for commands but their Colonel threw down his sword and galloped off on his horse. Nerissa groaned as Rick, Beni and herself watched him flee.

"You just got promoted…" Beni said to Rick as they turned back to face the oncoming army. Nerissa sighed and shook her head telling Rick he better give orders.

"Prenez vos Positions!" shouted Rick as he aimed his gun. He then looked at his two friends and sighed.

"You're with me on this one right?" Nerissa nodded and looked to Beni for his answer.

"Oh your strength gives me strength…" he replied but two seconds later he dropped his rifle and sprinted towards the direction the Colonel went shouting for him to wait for him.

"Don't worry pal I won't leave you. Beni is just another coward now hurry up and give orders!" Rick nodded and yelled everyone to steady. Finally he shouted something along the lines of 'fire at will!' Nerissa fired at a man and he fell dead seconds later. Men on both sides were being killed left and right. Before long she and Rick were forced to back up and run for their lives. She grabbed two pistols and fired rounds of bullets killing about eight per gun. Soon she was out of ammo and muttered a line of curses.

"Rick! Back me up! I have to reload my damn pistols!" Rick nodded as she ran and began loading her twin pistols. Rick soon was on his last bullets as well he looked up and saw Beni running.

"Run Beni! Run! Get inside! Get inside! HEY! Don't you close that door! Don't you close that door!" shouted Rick as he and Nerissa slammed up against the stone door. Nerissa yelped as Rick grabbed her hand and ran they jumped over a fallen pillar and ran up to the statue of Anubis. They jerked around as they heard the enemies' guns click and aim.

"Rick since we are gonna die and all I want you to know…y-you're my best American buddy…" Rick looked at her and nodded in agreement. Just then the horses reared and let out a shrill and ran off the riders yelping. Rick was the first to open his eyes.

"Uhm…they're gone…" he said looking around cautiously. Nerissa opened one eye then the other with a confused look.

"Not that I'm complaining…but I think I liked it better with them here…" Rick nodded in agreement just as sand shot up from the ground. Nerissa shrieked as sand formed a face she grabbed onto Rick and whimpered.

"I knew the whole idea of coming here was ludicrous! The name says it all CITY OF THE DEAD!" Rick just stared as he decided to be smart and grab her hand and run. As he was running Nerissa shrieked as she tripped on a rock.

"What in the name of Seti! Who puts a rock there!" she wailed as she picked up the rock. It was a hexagon shaped object. She shoved it into her pocket as Rick yanked her up and pulled her out of the city. They began to run through the desert. When Nerissa looked up towards the cliffs and halted almost causing Rick to fall.

"RICK! Look up there and tell me I'm not crazy…that there are men up there." Rick squinted and nodded weakly before stumbling back in what they thought was the way to civilization.

"Hey Rick we there yet? This stupid hexagon thingy is actually quite heavy…" Rick looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

"Hexagon thingy? What hexagon thingy?" she rolled her eyes at her friend and held up the hexagon noticing the writing for the first time.

"Hey it says something! To open: push in both sides and hold star up. Okay…lemme see…" she did as it said only to shriek when it popped open.

"WOW IT OPENED! And there is a paper…no shit! It's a MAP! I FOUND A MAP! WOO HOO! TREASURE! Or at least some way to a bar…I could go for a shot of vodka…no Jack…maybe a Bourbon…maybe even a Martini…which do you think Rick? I think I just rhymed!" Rick just rolled his eyes at his friend and muttered about being insane.

"Oh…never mind scratch the bar…it's only a map back to Hamunaptra. Who'd wanna go back anyway? I sure as hell don't." Rick just air punched her to shut her up which resulted in her being even more annoying to him.

"Lalala…I'm melting out here…Rick thinks I'm ludicrous…So I'll sing at the top of my lungs! I tripped on a rock which was really a box! Which that I just locked again! AND NOWW I AM DONE MY SONNGGG!" At this point Rick just burst into fits of laughter. She was laughing too at how crazy she could get, the heat wasn't helping much. Rick then mocked slugging her so she elbowed him.

"Ricky I'd kick your sorry butt!" he just laughed and wrapped his arm around her shoulder in a brotherly fashion.

"Whatever you say princess whatever you say…You realize we'll most likely die out here?" he sighed with boredom.

"One, don't call me princess. Two, we will not until I get bloody wasted on Bourbon! I could still go for a shot of that vodka…no Jack…maybe that Bourbon…maybe even a damn Martini…ahh hell why not all four! We should make a toast to surviving and to the future of getting wasted! Only 'cause I'm bloody bored…" Rick laughed and muttered how she was saying 'bloody' too much.

"Sorry I picked up that from my dear friend Johnny! He's a lovely chap as he would say. In case you haven't realized he's a Brit…heyy he has a sister named Evelyn…I SHOULD PAIR YOU TWO UP! THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO! I can see it know you two havin' little Rick Juniors! Ha that'd be entertainment! She'd probably name the kid after a famous scholar or worse a figure from ancient Egypt…like Alexander the Great…maybe Seti or if it's a girl Cleopatra or something like Nefertiti!" Rick just shoved her while laughing at her mental ideas.

"Oh look! Civilization! Race you to the bar! And don't think I'll go easy on you Princess!" grinned Rick as he shoved her and ran ahead of her.

"YOU BLOODY NO GOOD ROTTEN CHEAT!" she screamed running after him. She then began screaming at him again.

"YOU DO WANT LITTLE ALEXANDER THE GREAT AND CLEOPATRA DON'T YOU! HEYY! RICK WAIT FOR ME! HELL IF YOU DON'T WAIT YOU'LL NEVER HAVE KIDS! YOU SON OF A BITCH!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. She then sprinted and managed to be able to run beside him as the two of them got to the small city they ran straight for the bar. As they walked in belly dancer music met their ears. There were plenty of belly dancers around some petite and some fairly large. Nerissa rolled her eyes at the site being disgusted she sat on a bar stool and ordered her bourbon. Rick just got a shot of whiskey. As Nerissa took a sip she sighed. The drink really hit the spot. It was warm yet cool as it slid down her throat. She looked at Rick from the corner of her eyes and smirked he was being hit on by one of the fairly large belly dancers he then looked at her with a pleading look.

"Excuse me but you are flirting with my husband ma'am. I'd appreciate it if you'd take your flirtations elsewhere preferably away from me and my husband." She said in a calm collected voice, the woman looked at her with a pout and sauntered away from them. Nerissa let out a laugh at the look on Rick's face it was a mixture of hate and gratitude. "You're welcome Richard!" she spat mockingly. He turned bright red as he ordered another shot of whiskey.

"Thanks Mrs. O'Connell!" he said mockingly with a wink. "So you got any guy friends you plan on settling down with? I mean come on Nerissa you're 21 years old you got to settle down now!" Nerissa laughed and shook her head.

"My god you sound like my Aunt Rachel! And nope I plan on living a few more wild and free decades…" he smirked and then asked her another question.

"What about this Jon guy? Why not settle down with him?" she glared and then burst into laughter.

"Oh sure and why don't you knock me up while you're at it? I would never be able to be with Jon…he's like a brother…I mean sure he was my first kiss…but he was like ten and those sex hormones came early! And it was just a peck then I punched him in the gut. Kissing him would be like kissing you." Rick raised an eyebrow. "Both you guys are like brothers to me; I'd never kiss either of you in a romantic way…but maybe sisterly way. Besides I want a…" she began blushing then spoke again. "A…a…cowboy. You know? I like blondes way better! And I want a guy that'll let me shoot a gun, ride a horse with none of that side saddle shit, run around in damn pants and if I wanted to play in the dirt and mud…I just want a guy that would let me be me. And it may take awhile to find a guy like that for me…that and I want a guy that loves bourbon as much as I do!" Rick slung an arm around her shoulders with a grin.

"You forgot love for poker! If I see a guy that fits the description I'll let you know okay 'Rissa?" She grinned and nodded giving him a sisterly hug. She had indeed found a one of a kind best friend.

Well that was chapter 1! I hope you liked it as promised here is a mini sample of chapter 2:

"You two are going to get me fired! Now get out of there!" Shouted Evelyn. Nerissa and Jonathan hopped out in laughter. Jon wrapped an arm around both girls.

"Oh come on Ev! It won't kill you…it's just a dead…mummy!" she said in a eerie voice. "When dead it stays dead!" laughed Nerissa.