Act 3: Shutter

Panning

The temptation to rest my head on the desk this morning is overwhelming. The heat made my morning run all the more challenging. I enjoy the brief solace of the relatively quiet classroom and close my eyes.

"GOOD MORNING HICCHAN!"

That solace appears to now be null and void. I hesitate opening my eyes, willing the morning greeting to have just been an illusion. I relax briefly for a moment, only for that moment to again be disrupted as I feel a sudden sting in my right ear. This shock causes me to open my eyes and sit bolt upright. I look to the apparent source of the sting.

I am greeted by Shizune and Misha, both grinning like cats who have just eaten the proverbial canary. Their hands oh so innocently behind my their backs. I lazily narrow my eyes.

"Good morning Shizune, Misha. I take it both of you are well and energetic this morning?"

My tone is bereft of amusement. Something I know Shizune certainly was unable to pick up on.

[...]

"Of course Hicchan! We ought to be focused and driven at whatever we do. Even on days like this. Unlike another certain dear friend of ours who does not even bother to check his mail."

Mail? The frown and folded arms directed towards me makes it obvious I am the "certain dear friend". I lean resignedly forward in my desk resting my head on my arms continuing to face them.

"Mail? What are you talking about? I'm not expecting anything."

Shizune produces what appears to be a purple envelope. Presenting it proudly like a magician revealing a rabbit pulled from a hat. She dramatically passes it to Misha to free her hands for communication.

[...]

"Well these two lovely lady-friends have come to personally deliver it to you. But before we will release this letter into your care you have to answer one simple question."

Another one of Shizune's games huh? Okay I'll bite.

"Sure.. okay. Fire when ready."

[...]

"Who's Iwanako?"

IWANAKO?

I can feel my muscles tense and my breathing stop for a moment. I have to catch myself, I see Shizune's eyes probing me. Misha is also staring looking more concerned. I guess my body's involuntary reaction to that name is more obvious than I expected.

Okay Hisao. Calm yourself. Deep breath. Maintain your composure. They know this obviously bothers you. Be honest. I don't think there's a need to tell that story. Not yet at least.

"Iwanako is... was... she was there. When I had my first heart attack. The one that lead to me coming to Yamaku."

The looks on the two girls faces were quite the contrast. Misha looked somewhat disappointed, obviously she expected a torrid tale of romance and tragedy worthy of a bad light novel. Shizune on the other had looked somewhat meek and guilty. Shizune gently gestures and Misha drops the envelope, letting it float down on my forehead.

"Sorry Hicchan. We didn't mean to pry."

Well you did mean to pry. You just feel guilty about what you dug up.

"It's okay. You were just curious. I guess since you know little about me and suddenly there's a girl writing to me. It's obvious you're jealous."

I sit up folding my arms smirking at them in an attempt to try and dig them out of their remorse. Shizune's signing conveys well the dryness she is trying to infer.

[...]

"I feel sorry for the girl who falls in love with you."

Lunch can not come fast enough. I have been sitting through class on the edge of my seat. The letter from Iwanako dominant in my mind. I can hear it whispering to me. Chanelling what I thought were my forgotten anxieties since my first week at Yamaku. As soon as the bell chimes I make my way quickly out of the classroom. I think I see Kawana trying to say something as I go past, but this letter in my bag is consuming my thoughts.

I find myself at the bleachers again. Sitting again at the top row, away from the other groups. I'm not sure what it is that's so comforting about this place. I finally take out the letter, the distinct feminine handwriting is familiar, reminding me of the only other letter she has ever written to me. I slowly open up the sealed flap. I thank all the gods I can that curiosity did not overwhelm Shizune and Misha. I gingerly unfold the pages.

"Dear Hisao,

How are you? I hope you are well and happy at your new school. Everyone here misses you. Almost all of our second-year class got put together in class 3-1 for the final year, so we are pretty comfortable right from the beginning of the year. I'm sure you would've been assigned to this class as well.

The mood among third-years seems to be very anxious about the final exams, even though they are so far away. The teachers are badgering us about it all the time - even old Mr. Tachibana who is, by the way, out homeroom teacher this year. Would you believe it? I was sure that he'd retire after our second year, but here he is, nagging everyone about studying for exams.

I think things like that are the main reason why the mood among the third-years is so nervous. I must admit that I'm somehow losing confidence in myself as well, even though I've always fared reasonably well in exams.

It's so weird to think that we are already seniors, isn't it? Time has really flown past. I wonder where it went. The new first-years seem so young and somehow really innocent. I keep wondering if I was like them in my first year. I've been feeling nostalgic like this for the whole first trimester."

The people of this class are both familiar and alien to me. A distant memory like that of another life. Mr Tachibana, I know the name, But the face conjured in my head is ethereal, and incomplete. Even my friends, Takumi who was the one who egged me on to go to the tree that day, Mai with her clownish antics, and quiet Shin. Even though they were my friends, they too seem like entries in a book.

I continue on with the letter.

"There are other things I want to say. I'm writing to you because I felt that there are things I should've said after the incident back in winter. I really regret that I wasn't able to say them in person, and I have no excuse for it.

The truth is, the times when I visited you at the hospital made me worried about you. I am not talking about your health. You seemed to become more and more distant and disheartened. It was natural after something like that happened, I'm sure, but somehow I got the feeling that you had given up on something back then. Happiness, maybe?

I wanted to somehow express my feelings, but the right words didn't come to me. I couldn't say anything to comfort you. I am really sorry for not being able to support you when it mattered the most, even though I like you so much. At least now, finally, I can be more honest.

If I could go back to those quiet days in February and March, I'd tell you not to give up on yourself. That's what I would say. Maybe you wouldn't have drifted so far away if I had just said something. I hope you've managed to get back on your feet on your own.

Now that the distance between us is also physical, it also feels more final, somehow. I wonder if we will meet again. Perhaps it's for the best if we don't? Still, if you would like to correspond with me, by all means write me back. I'd very much like to hear about your new school and how you are doing. I wish you all the best.

Sincerely, Iwanako"

Her letter is, ironically, heartbreaking. Not in the sense that I lost her or the finality of that last paragraph. It's the sense of blame I feel emanating from the words written on the pages. Part of her blames herself for what happened.

She is right in part, I did give up on happiness. I can't blame her for not being able to support me though. She obviously had her on demons to battle. The finality of the letter is clear though. She invites me to reply but clearly does not expect it. Does she even think I'll read this.

I feel a soft hand on my left shoulder and, startled, I snap my head around. Kawana is sitting beside me, concern written on her face.

"Nakai?"

She is inviting me to confide in her. I'm not sure where to begin. But it would be nice to have somebody to relay my thoughts. And I find her so easy to talk to. So natural.

"I'm sorry I ditched you earlier. Just this letter came to me. And with it some baggage from my past. should probably tell you about it. If you don't mind that is. I am not sure where to begin.."

Kawana, keeping her hand on my shoulder nods.

"It's fine, Nakai. Just begin where you want to. I won't tell anybody."

I take a deep breath. Trying to collect my thoughts.

"I told you about my Arrhythmia that night at the festival. And you know I only had my first heart attack. What nobody else here knows is that immediately leading up to that attack, a girl confessed to me. Iwanako."

I raise the letter that I was reading only moments to go. Getting across that Iwanako was the sender of said letter.

"Before I could respond, or even process what she said, I was laying in the snow, thinking I was dying. All I could hear was her screaming."

Misaki simply nods, trying her hardest to maintain a poker face. Urging me to continue.

"This letter definitely opened up some old wounds. Wounds I thought had healed. I feel the need to write to her back. She blames herself for what happened. I don't think it's fair to not at least try and absolve her of any guilt she thinks that she deserves."

Kawana simply smiles. Briefly contemplating what I just said.

"That's probably a good idea. Nakai, do you still have feelings for Iwanako"

"No. I don't. Like I said, I didn't get the chance to even think on that at the time. By the time I had a chance to, any chance at a relationship was long dead and buried. If I'm perfectly honest, I haven't completely moved on from the incident. It was just too life altering. But Iwanako is a memory, somebody from a previous life."

Kawana stops, a question is clearly on the tip of her tongue.

"Nakai, what did they do? When they took you to the emergency room?"

"I don't exactly remember much about it. But from what the doctors told me they had to perform exploratory surgery. Since I was so young for a heart attack they needed to see what was going on."

Kawana suddenly looks fascinated.

"You mean the cut open your chest and look at your heart?"

"Yeah. They did something called 'maze surgery' where they made small cuts in the atria to try and reduce the spread of electrical signals that cause the arrhythmia. They also implanted a loop recorder just under the skin in my chest that records when I have unusual heart palpitations."

Kawana nods. Finally removing her hand from my shoulder.

"I see. Thank you for confiding this with me."

I shake my head and casually wave off her gratitude.

"No Kawana. Thank you for listening. I think I'm going to have a long night tonight though."