Morning found Rin still awake.
It felt like she had spent the entirety of the previous night flipping from one side to the other. Her mind would simply not relax and release her to dreams. If it wasn't one thing, she was considering another, constantly chasing her thoughts around. Whenever she made a conscious effort to fall asleep, it merely made it worse.
With a frustrated sigh, she finally gave up. Pale light was filtering through the screen, betraying the advance of dawn. It would only be half an hour or so before she'd have to get up anyway.
She shrugged out of her nightclothes and carefully donned her kimono, layering it in a way that would be proper in the presence of guests. Since the maids Lord Sesshoumaru had provided for her would not be around for a while, Rin decided to take care of her hair by herself.
After a bit more time than she would have liked to spend on something so silly, Rin felt that her hair looked at least presentable. That she had to look and behave like a proper lady when she had never quite accepted the fact that she was old enough to do so was one of the most annoying things about having visitors to the palace.
She poked at an itch on the back of her head, frowning at having to work her fingers around various instruments attempting to keep her hair up. She decided that whoever thought that it was a good idea to wear one's hair up was a fool.
Tottering sleepily out of her room while trying to brush off her exhaustion, Rin could not help but wonder why she had been so hopeless at sleeping that night. She'd definitely been tired enough, but for some unknown reason sleep evaded her…
Shaking her head as she walked down the silent halls, she finally allowed herself to admit why she had been so restless.
It was Lord Sesshoumaru.
All night long, she had chased her thoughts away, forbidding herself to consider what his sudden appearance had brought to mind. She had carefully spent the time he was away teaching herself to ignore the stirrings that she had begun to feel before he had left. Apparently she had failed.
She loved him.
Of course, she had always loved him. From the moment she found him in the forest, no matter how he had frightened her, she had nonetheless been curious about him. Something about his elegance even when injured had drawn her to him, as though he was an example of how she could have strength even in her deprivation. There had been something about him that made her senselessly adore him and long for his acceptance. And from the instant she had opened her eyes and looked into his as he gently held her up in the crook of his arm, her adoration had shifted to love.
It had been simple, childish. She had loved him without a thought, as though it was the most natural thing to do. Even if he would never show that he cared for her, over time she had learned to read the little things he did and knew that he did indeed care, no matter how reserved he might be. Knowing this had been enough.
Or, at least, it had been for a long while. It had not been until she was fifteen or sixteen that she realized that, no matter how comfortable she felt or what luxuries she was afforded, something was missing. Whenever Lord Sesshoumaru had been away, she felt the unknown absence painfully, but while it filled when he visited, his presence also made her heart ache.
All of Rin's thoughts had seemed to be absorbed with Lord Sesshoumaru. Everything seemed to recall memories of him, and she had started to daydream of him whenever he was gone. Suddenly being with him had no longer been enough; she had wished that she could be near him, touch him without fear of rebuke.
It had been then that she finally realized that she loved him, no longer in the innocent way she had, but romantically. She had been mortified with herself and quickly suppressed the thought, hoping that she could ignore or eliminate the feelings before Lord Sesshoumaru found out. While she knew he cared for her in some measure, she also knew that he would never allow himself to stoop to loving a mortal, not after despising them for so long. True, his contempt for the human race had been tempered somewhat with time, but it did not keep her from fearing what he might do if he learned about her feelings.
The most frightening threat was, of course, that he would turn her out, exile her to the world she had abandoned long ago. She could not imagine living among the humans when she had spent the majority of her life with the demons – a fact she knew would also color how she was received, if she were forced to leave. But how she would live with them had always seemed like a mild annoyance compared to the tragedy of living without Sesshoumaru.
So when he had left, it had been a sort of bitter blessing. Although the thought of him being gone was painful, at least Rin figured that it would give her time to learn how to control her emotions.
Apparently she had misjudged her abilities quite severely.
She sighed, angrily brushing the strands of hair that were making brave attempts at freedom away from her face.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. She had never wanted to feel this way for him, not when it was so shameful. All the same, it seemed that she could not escape from the fate of loving him.
By the time she reached the kitchens, she had managed to work herself into quite the mood. She hardly acknowledged the servants who were already up as she found some fruit and left again, mentally cursing her emotions and wondering why she couldn't have picked up some of Sesshoumaru's talent for being so indifferent.
Rin was so wrapped in her thoughts that she almost didn't notice the screech of a call for her. Considering the pitch, however, it would have been difficult to ignore.
She paused, turning back to see Jaken some ways behind her. He quickly caught up with her – he did, after all, have a great deal of practice at hurrying up after people – and she could not help but smile a bit at him. Although it had always been grudgingly, Jaken had accompanied her on many occasions. While he had been very reluctant to share Lord Sesshoumaru's rare attention, he had gradually accepted her as a permanent feature in their group.
He now looked up at her, scrutinizing her carefully. Rin waited patiently for what fault in her appearance he would find this time.
"You're hair is coming loose," he said eventually, frowning disapprovingly.
"I imagine that it probably is," she responded. "I put it up myself."
"Ah, that would explain it. You've never been able to do anything right," was his typical conclusion. He held his staff a bit prouder, as though the fact that she had difficulties with her hair finally proved him to be the better of the two who had been allowed to follow Lord Sesshoumaru.
Rin merely smiled, a bit thankful for this distraction from her thoughts. She plucked the staff from Jaken's hands, holding it high enough that he could not reach it.
Although he screeched at her indignantly, she did not return it until she had secured his word that he could fill her in on everything that had happened while they were away.
She sat down on the wooden walkway, dangling her legs over the side while Jaken related what he could. Listening thoughtfully, she ate her meager breakfast as she absorbed Jaken's every word. He covered the past six years in decent detail, managing to keep the story from being entirely dry. As he went, Rin became fairly certain that he was enjoying himself, although she was well aware of the fact that he would never admit to as much.
Still, by the time he had finished, Rin was satisfied. She had learned that Sesshoumaru had accomplished his goal of regaining the lands conquered by his father as well as furthering the boundaries somewhat. The fact that he had told Jaken that they would be returning to his home the day that he finally realized his designs instantly made Rin's mood lighten. How could she stay gloomy when Sesshoumaru had made coming back such a priority?
She hopped up, brushing the wrinkles out of her kimono. "Thank you for telling me, Jaken. I doubt that I'd be able to get that much information out of Lord Sesshoumaru," she said cheerfully.
"Of course you wouldn't! Why would he ever feel the need to confide such things with you?" Jaken asked her retreating figure.
"He wouldn't," Rin replied honestly, trying to keep the sting of the truth from hurting too much.
As she had guessed, she found the council room filling with the people from the previous day. Normally she would miss these early morning meetings, but she figured that she would attend since she was up. There was nothing else for her to do during the day, and besides, Lord Sesshoumaru would be there.
There was not much in the way of interest this time either, however, regardless of the fact that the lord was present. She had assumed that at least something mildly diverting might be brought up with him attending, but apparently that was not her luck.
It did give her time to study him though. While she tried to prevent herself from watching him, Rin quickly found it practically impossible. Her eyes were drawn to him every time he spoke, and she found it incredibly difficult to look away.
Most of the demons present were remarkably human-looking, their dark hair and eyes belying their true natures. Some, mostly the higher nobility of his clan, had coloring similar to Lord Sesshoumaru's, but his appearance was always the most exotic, the most striking.
Regardless of how strange his looks seemed, Rin had always been fascinated by them, perhaps because they were so unusual. There was a sort of cold attractiveness to him. As time passed nothing about him changed, and she repeatedly wondered how old he must be, although she never could decide.
While one of the more elderly of the guests was speaking as she watched Lord Sesshoumaru, Rin suddenly found herself staring back into his bright amber eyes. Remembering where she was at the last minute prevented her from starting at having his steady gaze leveled at her, but it did not prevent the blush that spread across her cheeks from being discovered.
She swallowed before giving the smallest of smiles – one she hoped came across at least half as apologetic as she felt – and quickly looking away. Unfortunately, just because she was no longer looking at him did not mean that she instantly forgot her embarrassment.
In fact, she was so preoccupied with mentally abusing herself that she almost missed a part of the meeting that suddenly become very interesting, once she absorbed what had been said.
"As you can tell, we are of a small tribe from the mountains. Still, regardless of our size, we have been able to maintain our lands, even in the face of significant foes. While you, too, are clearly able to protect your lands as well, we nonetheless are poised at a perfect position to protect the northern border from any attacks, which would free your resources to concentrate on other things. All that we would ask in return is for aid if we should ever come to such a dire circumstance as well as the freedom to move down somewhat into your lands from the mountains."
"How would you propose that such an alliance be sealed?" Lord Sesshoumaru asked, not surprisingly looking completely unaffected by this proposal.
There was a brief pause and then the demon bowed, something that struck Rin as odd. At the beginning of the meeting it made sense, but now it seemed unnecessary. "We have come to the understanding that you have a young woman here of special status," the demon said slowly, head still bowed. "As I have a son who will soon become the ruler of my people, I wish for him to have a bride. I believe that a marriage between the two would satisfactory bind our clans together."
It took Rin a moment to notice the dozens of eyes that had been turned to her, and then another moment to realize why. While she could not applaud herself at the time, she was rather proud that her only reaction was the apparent loss of blood to her previously flushed face.
After a second, the eyes turned from her to Lord Sesshoumaru, who looked as completely unfazed as ever. "She is human," he replied tonelessly, as though this somehow closed the issue.
"We are aware of this fact as well, and it makes no difference. The offer is the same."
Another long silence pulled through the tense air as everybody waited on Lord Sesshoumaru's response. None, however, could have been as anxious to hear his reply as Rin.
The fruit she had eaten that morning suddenly seemed a horrible idea. She had never before thought that she could be used in such a way, an item of barter on the table of politics. It had never crossed her mind that she would be worth anything to a demon, which made the shock of this new development even greater.
Glancing anxiously at Sesshoumaru, she was disappointed but not surprised to find that he was not looking at her. Her response did not matter to him.
"I will consider it," was all he said before rising and exiting the room.
Rin felt her world teeter dangerously before barely righting itself.
It was in a sort of half-daze that she left the room, carefully managing to avoid anybody who looked apt to approach her. She just wanted to be alone, she just wanted to think…
He had not said yes. Then again, he had not said no either. She clenched a fist in frustration. Didn't her feelings about the matter count for anything?
Of course they didn't. Rin relaxed, her hand going limp at her side. How could she expect somebody who rarely showed emotion, who in all likelihood had difficulties recognizing them, to care what she felt? It was a logical match from a strategic point; she even realized that the small expense of her presence in exchange for a solid boundary guard was more than worth it. It made perfect sense.
But… he had not said yes. Perhaps that meant that he could approach her about it, ask for her opinion.
As she walked, she considered what she would say if this was the case. How could she possibly say that she wanted no part in such an arrangement? After everything he had given her, including her life, how could she deny something that would so clearly benefit him and his people? What sort of consequences would it have if he had to say no? Failed alliances rarely ended pleasantly.
All the same, how could she agree? He himself had unwittingly nurtured her independent spirit. She had learned that she did not need to rely on anybody unless she wanted to, and so the idea of marrying simply for politics and not for love seemed disgusting. It was like a mockery, even though she was well aware of the fact that it frequently happened. Actually, now that it had been brought up, it was strange that she had never considered the possibility before.
Finally, there was the chance that he would not ask her at all. In that case, she would be irrevocably bound to whatever he said; she had never disobeyed him before.
Unconsciously, her feet led her back to her rooms. Listlessly she entered, stumbling over to her futon and then sinking down upon it. Rin wanted nothing more than to sleep now, to forget everything that had happened that dreadful morning. She had thought that it was supposed to be a happy thing that her lord had returned.
----
With a groan, Rin turned over, every memory instantly assaulting her as she woke up. While she had thankfully been able to drift to sleep, it had done nothing to help her escape the situation. Her dreams had been plagued by various outcomes, all of which had ended unpleasantly.
So she felt rested but tormented. The idea of leaving her room seemed rather unpleasant.
After laying on the futon for a while longer, she cautiously rose, fussing with her obi. She knew that there was nothing she could do with her hair, and, seeing as how she had no intention of being around anybody else, she took out the ornaments and combs, carefully returning them where they belonged.
She tidied up her room for a while, finding that, although it was more or less organized, it at least gave her some sort of distraction. Unfortunately, there was only so much she could do before she had to admit that reorganizing for a third time was past ridiculous.
It could only be mid afternoon, but the sky was heavy with clouds. The overcast weather seemed to reflect her mood perfectly, and Rin could not help but smile sadly.
There was nothing for it but to consider the thought she had before she had fallen asleep: to leave.
If she was gone, it would be her fault. Lord Sesshoumaru could not be held accountable for saying no, and she would not have to go through something that everything in her nature rebelled against. Perhaps, if she did go, then different grounds for the alliance could be formed.
Really, there were only positives that could result from her departure.
Except, of course, the fact that she would be utterly miserable without him.
There wasn't anything else forthcoming, though. It was the only logical choice she had when faced with so many other horrible options.
A part of her wanted desperately to start crying. Why did it have to be this way? She had accepted the fact that she would never have his love, but she had never thought she would have to be without him, too.
Rin sighed, running her fingers through her hair. It would probably be best to leave that night, she decided, pushing her sorrow to the edge of her consciousness. There would be time for grief later; at the present, she needed to plan what she would do.
Since it did give her something else focus on, Rin set about gathering the few things she figured she should take with her. So much would be left behind. Although she had greatly appreciated every gift he had given her, it somehow felt wrong to take these things when she was leaving. Instead, she only gathered those items that she thought would be necessary.
By the time she had accomplished this goal, the room was thankfully darkening. Night would be drawing soon, and then she would leave. There was a small portion of the wall by the gardens that had become overgrown with thick vines. With this to get her onto the wall, Rin had no doubt that she would be able to find a way out of the complex.
With her mind made, she did not allow herself to consider anything else, except for the passage of time until she finally left.
Although this is not my favorite chapter, it was needed to get events moving to the conclusion. Necessary catalysts and whatnot. Hopefully it wasn't too tedious for anybody – the next one will be more entertaining, I promise! Thanks to those who have reviewed; I'll try to respond soon, but I figured you'd all appreciate getting the chapter sooner at the expense of the replies. To those who don't review, please do! They are like little verbal presents of goodness.