Sesshoumaru did not know what to think. For the first time in years, no answer was forthcoming, no satisfactory conclusion available. He could not remember the last time he had been at such a loss.
They wanted to seal the alliance through the marriage of their heir and Rin. His Rin.
He should have been prepared for the chance of such an event. While Rin might have just been a human, the esteem with which he regarded her was obvious. She might as well have been a hime from the honors he bestowed upon her. And as such, her position did make her a powerful tool.
He had never once thought of her in such a way. She had always just been Rin. No matter how fine her clothing or refined her speech, when she was around him, she was as carefree and joyful as she had ever been. She had even picked flowers the evening before, innocently as she had when she had been young.
Rin marrying had never come to mind before. In the past, she had never made any inclination that she desired a family of her own, that her continued state as his ward was unsatisfactory even though she was well past the age when most human girls married. Perhaps it had led him to assume that she was beyond that, an untouchable presence reserved for him.
It was now clear that whatever preconceived notions he had held could be altered.
It had been a fair proposition. When Sesshoumaru had been younger, the idea of allying himself with such an inconsequential clan would have seemed absurd. Some of the rashness of his youth was starting to cool, however, and he realized that this concession would allow him to focus on his true goals. With the northern border guarded, considerable forces would be available to protect the new lands he acquired. To obtain all this for the price of a mortal woman, one he had not even seen for six years, was practically a gift.
But something had prevented him from agreeing. For all his reasoning, his cool logic, something had held him back. It irritated him, that he had not been able to brush aside the memory of her smile or her laugh and accomplish something so simple. He had no use for her.
And yet…
He stood on the hill overlooking the palace, motionless in the still evening. Regardless of his outward serenity, Sesshoumaru's blood was pounding, desiring any activity to alleviate his mental unrest, but he would not allow his emotions to rule him. He slowly accepted the truth.
… He needed her.
It had happened so gradually that he could not decide when it had occurred. Over time, he had realized that preventing himself from protecting her was useless. And after meditating over his mother's words and the panic he had felt in hell, the painful and foreign twist of helpless anguish, he had accepted the fact that he cared for her, perhaps in some way vaguely like love.
But until now, he had always thought that these feelings were not dependent on Rin's presence but merely her health; he thought that simply knowing that she was cared for and safe would sate the demands of these unwanted emotions he had for her.
Such was not the case.
When Sesshoumaru had left the last time, he had felt something drain from him as the years passed, a void opening in her absence. He had killed, slaughtered, seen the faces of those whose lives he was ending and heard their screams. And there had been no satisfaction, no sense of fulfillment at eliminating his opponents. There had only been a dull weariness that would linger with him, a vague shadow upon his consciousness.
When he had finally returned, however, he had felt something strange. As he had entered the complex, he could sense Rin everywhere – her gentle scent, so like flowers, hanging softly in the air. It had seemed to fill some of the emptiness he had carefully ignored, and suddenly the only thing he had wanted was to see her.
And while Sesshoumaru had been aware of the discomfort in the air when they had first met again, in the instant she had smiled at him it dissipated. The anxiousness in her eyes receded and was replaced with the boundless joy she always exhibited, and he found himself wondering distractedly how he had gone without her presence for so long. She had been the only one to ever smile at him.
It was odd, but he had felt more at ease in her company than he had since she had been a child. Of course, this had not kept him from his remembrances when she mentioned the past. It was curious that while he thought of it, every memory he considered worth recalling involved her.
It took him a moment to realize that Rin's next words held a hint of sadness, but he could not think of why she would feel that way. So much about her vivid emotions puzzled him, although he would not take the time to study them.
When she adamantly avoided his eyes, Sesshoumaru felt his expression soften slightly. As little as he might have understood the reasons for her feelings, he had somehow come to know how they affected her. After he had reassured himself that they were alone, he reached up. As he softly touched her cheek, he had tried to ignore any awkwardness he might have felt; his hand was unaccustomed to such gentleness.
When her breath had caught, he was able to raise her head. Sesshoumaru examined her features for some answer to her sadness, but instead found himself realizing that she had become pretty. Not beautiful, whether the fierce beauty of the demonesses or the demure beauty of a few mortals, but pretty – the brightness of her dark eyes under the thick fringe of her lashes and the gentle slopes of her face held a sort of classic pleasantness to them.
When he realized his thoughts, Sesshoumaru abruptly dropped his hand. Somehow, he had been able to reply to her question, even managing to continue a conversation when he felt that her silence was too thoughtful.
It had lingered though, the impression that moment made. It was as though for once his senses had been too much, too sharp at perceiving the warmth of her cheek, the sweetness of her scent, the sparkle of life in her eyes. Some part of his consciousness had recoiled at seeing her this way, as a woman stripped of the wall of memories he had constructed around her. He still could not completely understand its indistinct warning.
Thinking back, Sesshoumaru could not help but wonder if that event had somehow interfered with his ability to decide what to do in the present. He felt torn, something that was at odds with his normal decisiveness. Choices had been a necessary part of life and he had never seen a reason to delay making them; there was always a proper choice and stalling his decision would do nothing to change his options.
This time, however, he could not find peace with either choice. For the first time he could remember, there was dissent between his mind and his heart.
How much simpler his life would be if that girl had not stumbled into it. His duties would never be senselessly compromised, his reserve would never be breached, his subjects would never whisper questions about his motives…
His soul would never have found a source of peace.
Why had she become so important to him? Since when did he even need to feel anything?
The memory of his father came to mind unbidden. He had been a daiyoukai whose strength was never questioned and whose rule was rarely challenged. While it had been clear that he cared for Sesshoumaru through his rare but sincere shows of affection, it had nonetheless been his duty to maintain the appearance of a warlord as he continued to gain power and influence.
At least it had been that way until he had met that human princess. Something about her had found his heart and pulled it into view, tore down his facade and left his true nature bare, exposed to the world.
It had been shocking. To have the figure Sesshoumaru aspired to, whose power was the standard by which he would gauge his own, suddenly reduced to something that so freely showed his emotions and no longer cared about conquest upset every impression he had held about his father. The image he had carved for himself, following what he had believed to be the essence of his father, no longer fit, but it had been cut so deeply into the granite of his character that it would not change.
So Sesshoumaru had denounced the person his father had become, rejected the new lessons he tried to teach. His father had been a fool for loving a mortal, a brief creature who would soon wilt and die, leaving him behind with what ruinous effects her short presence had wrought.
It did not matter that he retained his power and repulsed every attempt to challenge his strength. His father had changed, lost the respect he had possessed for his clan and position. When he had ultimately died after a fight that he had no reason to engage in other than to protect that woman, it had seemed to solidify everything Sesshoumaru had assumed. His father's weakness had been of the worst sort – one that lay in the spirit.
By now darkness had chased the light from the sky. Sesshoumaru began to take the path back to the palace, his thoughts still as troubled as they had been when he left. Trying to answer the questions he posed had only brought up new ones.
Was he succumbing to the same fate as his father? Would his concern for a mortal woman prevent him from doing what he knew was his duty?
Even the simple thought should have been enough to make up his mind. It should have made it clear that he ought to agree to let her wed, regardless of what benefits it would have for his empire because of the one it would provide him – she would be gone, his only distraction eliminated.
He was suddenly jarred from his thoughts by a change in the direction of the wind. Pausing, he breathed deeply, confused by what it revealed. The breeze brought the faint smell of the sea, diluted by the dark scents of the forest. But mixed within it was the scent of Rin.
----
As soon as it was dark enough to make out the distant prick of stars, Rin gathered her things and left. It had been as simple as she had planned. Nobody saw her make her way to the wall, and if somebody had, they had no reason to suppose that she was leaving.
The vines had not been quite as thick as she remembered, but she had enough experience at climbing from her youth to make it up without much difficulty. The drop down the other side had been a bit more extreme than Rin anticipated, and she had skinned the length of her right calf and part of her forearm. It stung, but she had suffered worse and she quickly hopped up again.
As she stood next to the wall, Rin looked around. The night was still, the air rapidly cooling in the absence of the sun. The forest stood in every direction around her, and she realized that she had no idea where she would go.
She knew that there was a human village somewhere not too far away; she had been there on a few occasions when Sesshoumaru would allow her to pick out fabric for new kimonos. The problem was that he had always accompanied her because there was no path through the forest. Even if there had been, it was now too dark to see.
Perhaps if she just picked a direction and followed it long enough, she would get out of the forest and be able to find some track to the village.
Rin picked up her belongs from where she had dropped them over the wall earlier. Holding them under her arm as she chose a direction, Rin hurried across the flat distance between the wall and the forest.
Once under the eaves without hearing any shouts or other signs of discovery, she realized that she had made it. It seemed surprisingly easy, especially considering the sentinels she knew were are various points on the walls.
Looking back over her shoulder, the light of the torches inside creating a gentle glow over the complex, she felt the sudden weight of what she was doing. Rin knew that Sesshoumaru would be highly displeased at the very least when it was discovered that she had left. After everything he had given her, from a home to her life, it would show an incredible amount of disrespect to leave, especially in such a cowardly way as she was. He had made so many changes in his life – in himself, she realized suddenly – that leaving now would probably reinstate everything he had thought about humans before he met her, probably make such prejudices even stronger.
It would not be hard to turn back, to forget her plans. She could say that she had gone for a walk, apologize for being so senseless as to not tell anybody what she had done, and go on as though nothing had occurred. Perhaps he would agree to have her married off, in which case she may be miserable, but at least she would not have lost whatever regard he held for her.
It was not so simple though, and Rin knew it. She was not a good liar, never having needed to practice such a skill, and Sesshoumaru had noticed whenever she had attempted a falsehood. If he questioned why she had gone out when he had explicitly forbidden it, he would see through whatever story she provided. What if something she said hinted to her displeasure with the proposition he was considering, thereby ruining the opportunity?
With a deep breath, she turned back to the forest.
Under the full branches there was very little illumination. The moon was barely able to filter through the dense leaves, a faint mist of pale light highlighting a few outlines and nothing more. The night noises that had always seemed so comforting were suddenly darker, more feral than she remembered.
Still, she thought with a grim smile as she hopped over a fallen stump, there couldn't be that much to fear in the sound of the crickets so close to the palace.
And, of course, there wasn't anything to fear from the gentle chirping. It was the low growl that she heard from behind that sent a spark of terror down her spine.
----
Something was wrong. The direction her scent was coming from and the strange twist to it, like fear but different, was unsettling. It wasn't right, didn't fit with what it should have been.
Sesshoumaru hurried down from the hill, trying to figure out what had happened. From everything he knew, Rin was in her rooms. If he went there now, he'd probably find her sleeping.
Something kept him from assuming this. While logic supplied that there was no reason to go on a search for somebody who was clearly in the palace, his instincts overrode his reasoning.
It took no effort to cover the distance to the forest, following the distinctive cut of Rin's scent. He wondered what had happened to cause her to be out; there had been no warnings alerted and he had not felt the presence of other demons, so she could not have been captured. It would have caused some stir.
He suddenly could make out the faint sounds of movement ahead. There was a distinct franticness to it, the sound of a hunt that was punctuated by a frightened gasp.
He could not remember ever running so fast.
----
Rin's foot slid in the mud, causing her to lose her balance and nearly fall. Barely catching her footing by bracing herself against a tree, she quickly began running again.
She darted around trees, trying to leave the most complicated path she could in the dense forest, but she knew that it would not be enough. Agile as she might be, it would not help her when compared to the sheer speed of the creature behind her.
So she really was as foolish as Sesshoumaru had always thought her race. Her intentions had been well meaning if nothing else, even if he would never understand.
She was tired. She could not account for the time she had been running, but it did not matter. Even now she could feel herself slowing, wearying of a chase she had known from the start she couldn't win. Her legs were buckling painfully, and she realized that soon…
There was suddenly a flash and the forest around her sparked with green for an instant. The heavy sound of a falling body resounded in her ears and she paused for the briefest moment, grasping a branch to hold herself up as she turned around.
Rin almost collapsed from the assault of relief and shame at seeing Lord Sesshoumaru, strangely vulnerable-looking without his armor, standing in the shadows.
His hand was raised, the green glow of his poison still fading. As she had turned, she just glimpsed the fierce scarlet of his eyes before they had calmed, emotions once again restrained.
While he slowly lowered his hand, Rin noticed the beast that had been hunting her lying on the forest floor, dark red blood pooling among the leaves.
Sesshoumaru approached her as coolly as though nothing had happened, but she could not be so unaffected by what had just taken place. Her heart continued to race and the weariness of her legs was eclipsed by the aching that resulted from no longer moving. Although she had tried to not cry in his presence, she felt tears begin to course down her cheeks as she realized the danger she had been in without reassurance of his aid. She had been so close to death; it had brushed by her like a shadow.
At that moment, with him now standing next to her, expression more unreadable than ever before, Rin forgot herself. It did not matter that she would regret being so insolent and senseless as soon as she calmed down. At that moment he was the only one near, and she allowed herself to fall against him, clinging to him as her sobs finally worked their way up her throat.
----
He froze completely.
There had been a flair of anger that had ignited at the guilt painted across her face, a clear sign that her presence there had been some folly of her own devising. But the instant her tears soaked through the fabric of his haori, his building irritation had been extinguished.
Sesshoumaru did not know what to do, too surprised by her actions. Her small frame was shaking against him from the force of her weeping, her hands bunched into the fabric at his shoulders as she tried to keep her footing. Perhaps it was because of his uncertainty that he found himself moved by an impulse he could not understand, one that strangely wanted… to comfort her.
He slid his arm hesitantly around her back, supporting her as best he could. He could not decide if the results of this action were satisfactory or not. While she did calm somewhat, a measure of the tenseness dissolving as she tried to control her tears, it also made her relax against him further. The grip upon his clothes was loosened and she retracted her hands somewhat, although she still rested them upon his chest. It also allowed her to lay her head against him, tucked just below his chin so that he could feel the softness of her hair against his neck and could breathe nothing but her.
By placing his thoughts on anything else, he gradually allowed himself to lose some of his tension. Unconsciously, his hand had started to move in slow, light circles upon her back and he was rewarded by the gradual cessation of her tears. He did not know what reasoning he would use later to justify his present actions, his acceptance of this human's disregard for his status, but it strangely didn't matter at the moment.
How much time ultimately passed was hard to say, but his senses made it clear that it would be wise to return. It had been so different, allowing another person to be so close to him, and so strangely… pleasant… that it was almost disappointing to realize that they should leave.
Some restlessness that he was unaware of revealing must have been betrayed because Rin slowly lifted her head from his chest. He was about to step back, to retract his arm from where it still rested around her waist, when she tipped her head upwards.
There was nothing for a second in which he remained still, listening to the beating of her heart against his. And then in one dizzyingly shocking moment, he felt the gentle press of her lips against his throat.
It was only for a moment, a touch before she drew back completely, hair falling around her face as she dropped her head. It had been as faint as the beat of a butterfly or the brush of a flower petal, but it left a searing imprint upon his mind.
The instant his faculties returned and he dismissed the action and its resulting confusion for later examination, he looked down at her. She swayed as she tried to stand apart from him, and he finally noticed her wounds: the scratches and cuts where rocks and thorns had viciously cut her, the dark bruises just beginning to shadow her flesh, the trickle of blood running down her leg.
Although it felt almost dangerous considering what had just happened, Sesshoumaru knew that he would carry her. There was no way she would be able to make the distance as she was, and even if she could, he found that he did not want to force her to do something so painful.
Voice as detached as ever, he told her to wrap her arms around his neck.
She seemed puzzled before realizing his intent. "My lord, I can make it back. It is not necessary…" she began quietly, but he cut her off.
"You will listen to me, Rin."
Nodding awkwardly, she draped her arms around his neck, allowing him to scoop her up against his chest before he set off for the palace.
----
The servant finished wrapping her leg and stood, gathering the bowl of water and salves before leaving. Rin sighed and drew her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them.
Her face was burning. The blush that had started in the forest had only spread and heated as she was allowed to think of what she had done. How could she have acted that way? No matter how distressed she might have felt, there had been no reason to behave as she had.
What was worse was that she knew she had not been too upset to realize what she was doing. She had been perfectly aware of her actions, had hovered indecisively for a moment before allowing herself to kiss him. She had known that there would be repercussions but had still succumbed to that long denied desired. It had seemed clear that it might be her last opportunity, her only opportunity, and she had seized it.
In a way, it had surprised her that he had not reacted. At the same time, though, it made perfect sense with regards to his demeanor. He was preoccupied with bringing her back to the palace; there would be time to discuss what she had done later.
They had not exchanged any words throughout the short duration of their return, and for once the silence hanging between them was not comfortable. The air was thick with questions and confusion, awkward and unbreakable. He had ignored the sentinels and few subjects he saw when they returned, his only spoken words issuing the simple order to have someone sent to tend to her.
Carefully, he had set her upon her futon, straightening when she quickly released him. He had left soundlessly, only the sliding of the shoji screen betraying his departure.
Rin pressed a hand to her cheek, wondering if the blood would ever recede. She couldn't imagine how mortifying it would be to have to see him with her face still stained by her embarrassment.
Unfortunately, she noticed the shadow cast against the screen and knew that he had come. She almost had to bite back a painful laugh at the horrible luck she was having that evening.
Sesshoumaru opened the screen and stood there for a moment, observing her. Rin was barely able to gather the courage to meet his eyes and eventually had to drop her gaze.
He entered then, sitting slowly before her. She knew the questions that were coming, could sense them hanging before her. And he did not disappoint her.
"Why were you in the forest, Rin," he said calmly, his voice a demand that required a response.
Taking a breath, she ran a hand through her hair. "I was leaving, my lord," she said in the smallest voice she could manage.
The silence that followed betrayed his surprise, although his countenance was not altered. "Leaving."
With one word, he asked her a dozen questions, some that were beyond the realm of speech. Again, she felt the prickle of tears in the corner of her eyes, but she fought them back. "I could not marry him," she said, trying to speak around the lump in her throat. "But, if you had told me to, I would not have denied you, not after everything you have done for me. Even if…" She paused as she attempted to put her thoughts into words. "Even if you had given me the option, I would not have been able to willfully destroy this opportunity."
"And you thought that leaving would somehow properly resolve the situation."
She felt so senseless around him; everything he said tore down her reasoning until it seemed as primitive as a child's. "I thought that if I was no longer present, perhaps something else could be settled on to complete the alliance."
She glanced at him over her knees, recoiling at the coldness in his golden eyes.
"Foolish human," he said quietly, but the words hit her with all the force of their meaning.
Impulsively, Rin shifted, painfully twisting her battered legs beneath her before placing her head and hands on the floor, bowing in a way that had never before seemed necessary. She felt the tears pooling in her eyes as she closed them. "I'm sorry," she whispered brokenly, pulling the words from deep within her heart, wondering if he would be able to tell the depths of her emotions. "I'm so sorry, Lord Sesshoumaru…"
----
He fought for the control that had always been so natural, so easy to maintain. It seemed to evaporate at her words, leaving him to struggle with the foreign emotions that now possessed him.
She had been so senseless to assume that she could fix the situation. It was baffling that she had thought her actions would somehow allow the completion of the alliance. Yet, for the first time, Sesshoumaru could understand her reasoning, what had led her to her false but honest conclusions, and it startled him that he could comprehend this.
And now she was bowing before him. She looked incredibly fragile and pitiful, small form folded up, the wrapping on her right arm and the scratches on the left visible beneath the curtain of her hair.
As much as he desired her obedience and respect, he had never wanted it like this. It had become a sort of luxury to have someone show him such reverence from love instead of fear. To see her so clearly upset – frightened even – filled him with an odd sense of guilt.
Foolish she might be, but that had been no reason for him to vent his irritation on her. When he had finally caught up with her in the forest and saw the beast preparing to lunge, an unmistakable flare of fear had spread through him instantly. The memory of how he had found her so many years ago flashed through his mind, only it was now the lifeless form of the woman she had become.
The thought of her dying beyond recall had made him almost senselessly desperate. To know that he had nearly lost her because of something as trivial as the present alliance was maddening. Although he had never made an impression one way or the other, he had assumed that she would know that she was not to be involved in his politics -- even if he had briefly entertained the idea.
He tried to amend the situation, allowing his voice to take on the hint of softness he displayed only for her. "Sit up."
Slowly she did so, keeping her eyes respectfully lowered.
He didn't know what else to do, what else to say. So many things had suddenly changed within the last hour that words that would have sufficed before no longer seemed adequate.
Although it still didn't seem enough to express what he truly wanted, he settled on his words. "I will find another way to seal the alliance. You will not need to leave."
She looked up at him through her bangs silently, as though she knew that there was more he had to say before he had formed the thoughts he needed to speak.
He watched her, searching her face before continuing. "Unless you wish to return to the humans."
Her eyes widened, and she shook her head. "I have never wanted to return to them. I was only going to do so because I thought that such would be the best way to serve you."
"You serve me best by staying with me," he said simply, not realizing the implications of such a statement until it had been spoken.
Rin's eyes widened almost imperceptibly, the color in her cheeks rising again. Ducking her head quickly, she brushed her hair back over her shoulder. "That is where I've always wanted to be," she murmured softly.
Suddenly, Sesshoumaru was flooded with memories. The faint shiver that had spread through her hands that night before he had left; the snag in her breathing at his touch upon her cheek; the frequent flushes that crossed her face; her kiss in the forest. It was as though some veil had been removed, revealing how all these small actions were connected in their true light. Apparently even the innocence of her affection had been shed as she aged.
He realized that she loved him, as a woman loved a man.
----
Rin knew that he had finally discovered her secret, the one she had borne for years. It felt like relief, to no longer hold the weight of her love for him under layers of uncertainty and denial.
But it also made her heart pound with fear that all her worries would come true. It seemed unlikely, given his recent declaration, but as steady as his demeanor might have been, she had learned to know that his actions followed a logic clear only to him.
He rose, obviously leaving. While she knew that she should not have expected anymore, his silence still made a part of her heart twist painfully. She did try to be thankful that he had at least not been markedly repulsed by the knowledge of her feelings.
When he paused, even though he did not turn around, she could not help but be surprised. "Rest. I will speak with you in the morning."
Unusual as his words were, they were all he said as he closed the screen behind him, leaving her to wonder what he could possibly wish to discuss.
Well, the longest chapter is finally up! I believe that leaves just one more chapter and the drabble-esque epilogue. Work is taking over what life I had outside of college though, so it might be a bit longer to get those finished than I would like, for which I apologize. Still, those are the ones with all the good stuff – I want to make them as good as I can. Thank you for your patience!