How could one person make him feel so uncertain?
For centuries, Sesshoumaru had never questioned himself. He had chosen the path he would follow through his life, and it been simple, straightforward, from that point. Until Rin.
He could no longer understand himself. Faced with the knowledge of her love, he suddenly wondered what it was he felt for her. It seemed impossible that it could be love, but the emotion was so alien to him that he was not sure that he would be able to recognize its presence.
What if it was love? When he was honest with himself, he realized that it might not have been quite as absurd as he would have liked. Earlier he had admitted that he needed her, but why did he need her if not because he had grown to love her?
Sesshoumaru closed his eyes briefly to the darkness of his chambers. It did not matter what he felt or did not feel; it never had. Perhaps he did love her, perhaps she had been able to find his heart and coax it into feeling after decades, centuries of dormancy. But he had never let himself be governed by his feelings, even ones as deeply felt as love, unless he had a compelling reason to do so.
It could not go on like this. Rin could not love him. He could not tolerate her feeling such for him, because it would just let her harbor hope that he would return her love.
For even if he did feel such things for her, he could never reveal as much. She was mortal, a human, and he was a demon. Besides the fact that he could not allow the noble blood of his lineage to be diluted, he knew the fates suffered by those who dared to partake in such a taboo relationship. He had seen it firsthand, had in fact compounded the difficulty of such a situation without remorse.
And she was Rin. Whenever he looked at her, he could still see the faint traces of the girl in her features. No matter how she aged, he would still recognize the child she had been.
With a start, Sesshoumaru realized that the only one he was trying to prove his thoughts to was himself. He was trying to reassure his positions, his long-held beliefs, even as he felt everything that had constituted them crumble beneath him.
But what it meant, he could not say. What he wanted was no longer clear; the lines had been blurred until he could no longer tell where the desires of his pride and those of his heart started or ended.
In the darkness, he allowed himself to wonder if this was how his father had felt. Perhaps he had struggled internally as well, had not given in as easily as it had appeared. Maybe he had fought against his feelings only to have them be an opponent he could not defeat.
Sesshoumaru wondered if, regardless of what he thought, he would be the same.
----
Rin was removing her wrappings when he came.
It was early dawn again, the second night in a row that her thoughts had been too tumultuous to allow her rest. Although tired, she did not mind being awake, as it allowed her time to clean herself up. She had found that her scratches had scabbed well now beneath the dressings, and so she had decided to remove the scratchy fabric strips.
Of course, once Sesshoumaru was there, it made it very hard to concentrate on such a simple task as unwinding the piece of cloth. She had to wonder what he was thinking, or what he was going to say, or what was going to happen, and quickly her hands forgot to continue their tasks.
It didn't help matters that he approached her, kneeling and watching her so that it was impossible to think straight about what she was doing.
He raised his hand and stilled her own, wordlessly brushing it aside. Although she was confused by this action initially, it suddenly made sense when he carefully ran a claw across the thin fabric, easily cutting it and allowing her to remove it.
"Thank you," she managed as he stood up again, giving him a quick smile before picking up the cloth to remove them to where they would be cleaned.
"Rin," he said, instantly commanding her full attention. "Put those down and come with me."
Not wanting to disobey, Rin set the rags by the end of her futon and hurried after him into the gardens.
He walked silently for a while, his white hair turning silver in the shadow light immediately before dawn. Rin found herself staring at the way the light played on it as he walked, shifting along the lengths of the strands like a reflection off water. Although she was able to control herself, she desperately wanted to run her fingers through it. She had barely managed to keep from playing with the fine strands as they had lain across her arms the night before.
Her thoughts were interrupted when he spoke, some polite question about her wounds that was nonetheless strange coming from him. Still, she had to take the fact that he was even talking to her as a good sign.
She could not fathom why he had come to her that morning, even if he had told her that he would the night before. It had seemed more likely that he would want to distance himself now that he knew of her feelings, something he would probably view as vile. Would it not disgust him to know that a human, even her, loved him?
Perhaps he was able to disregard it. Maybe he would simply ignore the knowledge and continue to treat her as he had before. The thought was both comforting and hurtful.
They made their way through the quiet complex, its residents still asleep but for the few servants beginning to prepare for the day ahead. They acknowledged their lord wordlessly, not one approaching him or speaking. Rin found this strange but did not question it; perhaps they knew of some duty Sesshoumaru was intent on doing, although she couldn't see how that was possible with her present.
Rin found that he had brought her to the southern gardens, the ones they had waited in when he had first brought her there. Over the years, she had spent a great deal of time in all the gardens, but this one had been the most rare. Although it was often the quietest, it was also the one that was traversed by those entering and leaving the complex.
Sesshoumaru stopped her next to a willow tree, standing in its shadow and motioning for her to stand next to him. Curious, she did so, and then followed his gaze when he turned it toward the path.
The visitors, those who had come seeking alliance, were walking the path leisurely towards the gates. Brow furrowing, Rin looked up at him. "Lord Sesshoumaru?" she questioned.
"They are returning to their lands," he said without turning toward her.
It was surprising to hear that they were leaving as it meant that whatever talks had needed to take place had already been conducted. "And the alliance?" she asked quietly.
"It was not arranged," he replied simply.
She looked back to the demons as they disappeared through the gate. Suddenly self-conscious, she folded her hands awkwardly before her. "I'm sorry, my lord."
"Don't be." He now looked at her, and she suddenly noticed that regardless of the coolness in his voice, his eyes had softened. "There will be time later. For now, other things are more important."
----
He had suffered the same restlessness as Rin that night. It had not taken long for his patience to wear thin with trying fruitlessly to sleep and he had risen. Sleeping every night was prudent but not necessary, and he had decided that some activity would probably alleviate a measure of his pent up energy.
For a few hours he had stalked the woods, slaying any demon or beast that was unfortunate enough to cross his path. While it had effectively eased the need for movement, it had done nothing to slow the tide of thoughts that continued to flood through his mind.
It had been then that he decided that he would speak with the visiting dignitaries and tell them of his decision, regardless of the hour.
They had been surprisingly humble with regards to his words. Sesshoumaru had expected the typical wounded pride most clans displayed, but they had accepted his decision. Understanding that he was denying merely the bond upon which the alliance was to be built, they made it clear that, some time in the future, they hoped a satisfactory condition could be arranged.
With that responsibility concluded there had been only one other thing to see to.
When Sesshoumaru approached Rin's rooms, he had been a bit surprised to hear that she was awake as well. It was something he should have been pleased with; it would eliminate the need to wait to answer the questions that had plagued him all night.
Instead, it had made him feel distinctly uneasy. Whether she knew it or not, Sesshoumaru was aware that after seeing her this morning, things would be changed, although how was yet to be seen.
After retrieving her, he had decided to bring her to the gardens. It would be strangely more private than her rooms and would also allow him a chance to show her that the demons who had come were now leaving.
As he led her through the gardens heavy with dew, he noticed the flowers. They had, of course, always been there, but he rarely observed them. He had always viewed them as inconsequential and pointless for anything but impractical aesthetics.
In light of everything now taking place, however, he realized that aesthetics had a function that, while perhaps impractical, was nonetheless useful in its own way.
Sesshoumaru cast his glance at the girl, the woman, next to him as she ran her fingers along the tops of the plants they were walking by. Remembering her words when she had given him that flower before he had left six years ago, he sensed how they applied to the present situation. She had admitted that he had no use for flowers.
But sometimes it was nice to have things that one did not necessarily need.
A part of him, the remnants of who he had been before finding her, did not need her. And while a life without her was hard to imagine, she was not truly necessary. All the same, her company, her gentle presence, had come to hold its own sort of purpose. She had become to him what the flowers had been to her: something to be enjoyed to the fullest, even if its time was brief.
They now stood in a silence that was only broken by the rumble of the gate closing in the distance. Sesshoumaru's words hung in the heavy air, his first step to revealing how he needed her with him. The brink into which he would have to blindly plunge had been approached.
Carefully constructed explanations he had intended to say seemed ridiculous as he looked down into her open expression, free from any pretense. Now that he knew that it was there, her eyes seemed so full of love that he wondered how he had been blind to it for so long. It was all encompassing, radiated from her in waves as comforting as her scent had become.
He could no longer find the words he needed to say.
As the wind stirred and pressed the heavy fragrance of the blossoms into the air, Sesshoumaru found himself reaching for her, realizing that actions would be a clearer way of expressing himself. He allowed the backs of his fingers to brush against her cheek, curling his claws away from her delicate skin. And for once, he allowed himself to feel.
What emotions wished to present themselves were given reign, his control relaxed so that he could assess what feelings asserted themselves. They must have played across his face, because he saw Rin begin to examine him, clearly seeking answers for his actions just as he was.
Stepping closer to her, breaching the distance of propriety, he let his hand fall to her pale throat. He felt the racing of her pulse beneath his fingers for a moment before bringing his hand up again, burying it in the silk of her hair.
Rin had closed her eyes, leaning into his touch as much as she could. She had such complete and utter trust in him, allowing him to touch her when she knew how easily that hand could kill, how effortlessly he could end her life if he so wished.
But he could never bring himself to so much as harm her, much less kill her.
Rin's eyes opened slowly, and she seemed to find her voice after a momentary struggle. "My lord…" she began, swallowing when he drew her gently to him, "what are you doing?"
"Trying to understand."
"Understand what?" she managed distractedly, almost unconsciously resting her hands against his chest to balance herself as she tipped her head back to meet his eyes.
"What I feel."
Sesshoumaru leaned down, bringing his face within an inch of hers, and observed how her eyes fluttered shut, how irregular her breathing had become. Slowly, he closed the distance, using a softness he did not know he possessed to press his lips against hers.
This time, he instantly knew that his senses would overwhelm him. The emotions that had already seemed so vivid in comparison to what he generally allowed himself to feel flared, burning in their intensity. Closing his own eyes, he attempted to block his overpowering awareness of everything around him, wanting to focus on her, on this.
He felt powerless, and for the first time he could remember, he welcomed it.
She tasted as sweetly of the gardens as she smelled, her lips as soft as flower petals. She had closed what little space remained between them, the warmth of her body seeping through the layers of clothing separating them. He felt himself drowning in her as he deepened the kiss, helplessly swept in the flood of emotions he had allowed to wash over him.
Reluctantly, Sesshoumaru drew back, trying to think clearly. He disregarded the unfamiliar pounding of his heart and attempted to concentrate on his thoughts.
In some part of his mind, distant and removed from the present, he suddenly understood what had happened to his father as he realized the truth of his own feelings. Every thought of conquest, of empire, no longer held any importance. It was now clear that nothing he could gain would be able to measure up to having her with him, with having her love and feeling free to return it.
For that moment, he had forgotten that they were different, a demon and a human. Something that had been so pivotal to his thinking had been unnoticeable; the only thing that had mattered was the fact that she had managed to breathe life back into his heart.
Now, as he thought, he recognized the importance of the gulf separating them. He was ageless, had thousands of years left to live, but she would be lucky to see another half a century. The meaning of each season, each moment, suddenly weighed heavily, and he realized how much time his pride had already wasted.
----
There were no words or thoughts capable of catching that moment. It had dissolved her ability to think, left her reeling between disbelief and bliss. When Sesshoumaru drew back, her whole body tingled; she felt as though every inch of her skin had been sparked.
She could have counted the beats of her heart from how they seemed to thunder in her ears. As she gradually managed to gather her thoughts, Rin watched his face, happy that although he had broken the kiss he still held her close, twining his fingers through her hair. His brows were drawn together in an uncharacteristic display of his thoughtfulness, flickers of expression chasing themselves across his features.
Suddenly Sesshoumaru's eyes opened, all coldness melted from the molten ocher. There was a feeling of decisiveness in his glance as he looked down at her, as though final convictions had been made. Slowly he smiled, and the expression softened his features so drastically that it was hard to imagine how ruthless he could be. Rin felt as though her heart tripped, stuttered for a moment at the sight. His smiles were so very rare, something she had only witnessed a handful of times in his presence.
Although it receded as quickly as it had come, the light of the smile remained in his eyes. His hand sifted through her hair, running down the length of the locks while he watched the movement, as though suddenly fascinated by the long inky strands. "You serve me best by staying with me," he whispered, almost to himself. Leaning forward, he brought his lips to her ear, his cool cheek pressed against her flush one. She felt the warmth of his breath and suppressed the shiver that wished to pass up from the base of her spine.
When Sesshoumaru spoke to her, rich voice in a quiet timbre for only her to hear, Rin found it difficult to focus. "Would you serve me in such a way? I would make you the Lady of the Western Lands and continue to protect and provide for you as I do now. I… I would do everything I could to keep you happy," he said quietly, and she could hear the disguised uncertainty in his voice, the slight awkwardness in expressing things he never had before. "If I did all of this, would you stay with me?"
His words nearly broke her. They were not a command or inquiry, but a request. In all her experiences, Sesshoumaru had never asked for anything; if there was something he wanted, it was his to take. Now, however, he relinquished his control to her, placing the decision within her hands. He knew, he had to know, that she had always seen herself as his, an offering not fit to repay her life-debt to him.
Gently Rin drew back, shivering at the tickle of his fine hair against her face. She met his eyes and finally dared to bring a hand to his face, still surprised that he welcomed her touch as she hesitantly laid her fingers upon his cheek. "Yes," she whispered with a smile, finding it difficult to manage her voice. "I would have always stayed with you."
----
Sesshoumaru felt his lips twitch upwards, strangely unable to keep the smile from flickering across his face as he kissed her again. The taste of her lips, the touch of her gentle fingers upon his cheek, were all so foreign and yet so comfortable. It was like discovering something that he had not realized he had been missing.
Suddenly he tasted the salt of her tears and he pulled back, confused. She merely smiled at him, her face glowing with the faint light caught on the damp trails running to her chin.
Moving his hand, he brushed the pad of his thumb over her cheek, gently removing the tears. "Why are you crying?" he asked.
She continued to smile even as her tears continued to fall. "I'm so happy," she whispered breathlessly before pressing her face against his throat. "I've loved you for so long… Sesshoumaru."
He leaned his head against hers, feeling all his tension slowly drain away as he accepted Rin's embrace. He wondered if there had ever been a time when he had allowed his guard to slip, to relax that final wire that was always coiled and ready to strike. It was a curious feeling to let it go, to know that in this moment there was nothing he needed to guard against.
As the sky began to bleach of its dark evening hue to the warm blush of morning, Sesshoumaru heard the faint sounds of the complex's inhabitants stirring. Soon there would be a great deal more activity around them; the garden would no longer provide a barrier from the world. He considered the possibility of keeping everything a secret for a few days more, a short time of peace to experience and enjoy the new stirrings she had created within his soul, before he was forced into the storm that would no doubt follow his decision.
The thought was quickly dismissed. He had made his decision, and there was no reason to delay its execution. Sesshoumaru released her and stepped back, disregarding how strangely cold he felt without her close to him, before holding his hand out. With another classic smile, she slid her small hand into his, intertwining their fingers.
They left the garden together like that, walking side by side. Perhaps the expression of removed indifference had returned to Sesshoumaru's features, but the clasping of his hand with the human girl's revealed everything to those they passed. As they walked, he could already hear the rumors spreading faster than the rays of the rising sun before them.
Glancing at Rin, he could still see the shining of her eyes as she looked up at him under her bangs, and he found himself unable to care what was being said of him, of his pride or reputation. As her thumb lightly swept back and forth upon his hand, Sesshoumaru knew that this, indulging in the brief blossom of her life, was all that now mattered.
Well, there it is! There is, of course, the epilogue dealie, but this was really the finale. I had all sorts of trouble trying to figure out how to approach the ending, so I hope it was satisfactory. I guess, honestly, I had all sorts of trouble with most of it, but it seems like beginnings and endings are always the trickiest. Again, thank you for your patience! The epilogue will probably be up Friday, Saturday at the latest.