And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope, it's a shot in the dark and right at my throat.

-Florence + The Machine, Shake it Out

'So, Tonks junior! We've got a solution for all your problems!' George told me after one more useless Defence against dark arts class. I liked the twins because of this ‒ the last time we met, I was yelling at them that this school sucks, but they didn't hold it against me. Sure, if I was in some deep, profound emotional trouble, they would not have been my first choice of comfort, but they offered some good fun without judgement. Once we passed me being Slytherin barrier, I was on their team.

'A magical device to kill Umbridge in a painful and terrible way?' I asked hopefully. The bright red scar on the back of my hand palm read I will watch out on my attitude and I knew it won't get any better before I do two more detentions. Plus, Umbridge was named Hogwarts' High Inquisitor, which meant she was now checking up on professors as well; I was about to see her twice as much.

'Nah, but something to piss her off. I think it's a good start!'

'And to practice some effective magic as well,' Fred whispered in my ear.

I gazed at both of them, 'I'm listening.'

'A group of people is doing magical things behind Umbridge's back! And you, even if you are Slytherin, have the honour to be invited because you are cool,' he reasoned as if this order of things was perfectly logical, 'What more do you want?'

'So, Hog's Head in Hogsmith, this weekend,' Geroge simply said, hurrying to get to Lee Jordan, 'Tell Lin to get you there, she knows the way and she's invited too.'

'But what is it about?' I asked, but they were already running down the hall, yelling simply in my direction, 'See you there!'

When I told Lin, she didn't seem as hyped about the idea as I did, but curious as she was, she could not say no. 'Come on,' I tried to convince her, 'What's the worst that could happen?'

'We could get expelled, our wand broken, and we would never be able to use magic again,' she stated, flatly. 'But, yeah, otherwise, it's a grand idea.' Despite her sarcasm, she agreed to go. She was still doubtful about the place of the meeting ‒ she knew of Hog's Head, but there was a good reason why she never went there.

'I suppose it seems like a good idea because it's not popular and it's dodgy,' she was thinking out loud on our way to Hogsmith, 'But, then again, we could disappear from there and no one would say a word- Oh, Lola, I was kidding! Those things don't really happen here!'

'Right, Hogwarts is completely safe, besides having Death Eaters and werewolves for teachers. Oh, and occasionally someone opens a secret hall of evil, inhabited by a giant snake, just for the laughs,' I said, reciting Lin's lessons about Hogwarts, 'Disappearing students don't seem that unlikely, you know.'

Lin thought about this for a moment, 'I guess it's true when you put it that way. But, you know, all those things happen only to Harry Potter. I guess we are safe if we stay away from him.'

But the joke was on her ‒ we entered Hog's Head and there was Harry Potter, waiting for us. 'What were you saying again?' I whispered to Lin. She had the weirdest grimace of amusement and horror on her face.

We were among the last people to arrive, it seemed. Fred was already at the bar ordering Butterbeer and, as he saw us, said to the barman, 'Actually, make it twenty-seven.' The barman had looked displeased a moment ago, but now seemed eager to punch Fred in the face.

Twenty-seven people? I hadn't been in a company of twenty-six people for months.

As we approached, I realized that pretty much everyone was looking at me. I wanted to ask what the big deal was, but the blond Hufflepuff did the work for me.

'You are Slytherin,' he stated.

Oh, so it wasn't only the Gryffindors that hated us? How charming.

'Really?' I said in fake surprise, stopping midway to table, 'Wow, and all these weeks I've been sleeping in the wrong common room! Thank you for your kind notice!'

'I didn't know Slytherins were invited,' he explained, in the same half-disgusted voice.

'How very inclusive of you. Aren't you supposed to be from the nice house?'

Lin jumped to my defence, 'She is a Slytherin wanting to kick Umbridge's arse and fight You-Know-Who, which makes her twice cooler than you.' The blond guy frowned, but said nothing. There were still people around the table, not too certain about my green and silver scarf.

'Am I really invited?' I asked Fred as he handed me Butterbeer.

His eyebrows flew up, 'We invited you. You are Tonks' sister. Anyone who has problems can say something to us.' Their brother, Ron, seemed like he was the first who actully had problem with it, but no one said anything and I sat beside George.

'By the way,' I whispered to him, 'Thanks for explaining to me what this was about so I was well informed and prepared for who am I meeting here.' Sitting at the same table with Harry Potter and Nevill Longbottom seemed like my worst nightmare; one was the most hated person of the four-year-old me after he defeated the Dark Lord; and I would have been one of the most hated people of the other one, if he knew of my existence. I looked pleadingly at Lin, comfortably seated beside me and chatting with her housemate, Luna, and felt jealous. She didn't care. She was one of them. They knew her already and she was Ravenclaw. I was double the intruder, but felt like a triple one because of my heritage.

George opened his mouth to answer me, but the chatter around the table died out and everyone was looking at Harry Potter now. It wasn't him who spoke first though ‒ it was his friend with bushy hair who seemed rather nervous.

'Er... Well - er - hi. Well: erm: well, you know why you're here. Erm: well, Harry here had the idea - I mean... I had the idea - that it might be good if people who wanted to study Defence Against the Dark Arts - and I mean, really study it, you know, not the rubbish that Umbridge is doing with us - because nobody could call that Defence Against the Dark Arts -'

As people around table agreed, Fred glanced at me and I smiled back. I said that first.

'Well,' the girl continued, 'I thought it would be good if we, well, took matters into our own hands. And by that I mean learning how to defend ourselves properly, not just in theory but doing the real spells -'

'You want to pass your Defence Against the Dark Arts OWL too, though, I bet?' said one of the Ravenclaw boys.

'Of course I do,' Harry's friend said eagerly. 'But more than that, I want to be properly trained in defence because: because,' she sighed deeply, 'because Lord Voldemort is back.'

And there it was - the expected reaction. One of the girls spilled Butterbeer on herself; around the table people shuddered and gasped. I gulped uncomfortably. The name probably did not sting me for the same reasons as it did to others ‒ I was not hurt by Voldemort; quite the opposite, I have learned not to mention his name out of the respect and awe. To me, this girl saying the name was partly disrespectful and partly foolishly brave. It was part of the reason why I still called him the Dark Lord ‒ I never could completely erase that idea of his greatness from my mind, no matter what I was told. He was horrible and terrifying, yet he was still powerful and awe worthy. I spent four years with him as a central part of my life, listening about how important it is to pay him respect. And old habits die hard.

'Well,' she continued, 'that's the plan, anyway. If you want to join us, we need to decide how we're going to -'

'Where's the proof You-Know-Who's back?' interrupted the blond Hufflepuff that called me out before.

Really? Did he really come here to ask that?

'Well, Dumbledore believes it -'

'You mean, Dumbledore believes him?' he nodded towards Harry.

'Who are you?' asked Ron Weasley the question we all wanted to know

'Zacharias Smith,' Hufflepuff answered, and I mentally wrote that name into my bad book, 'and I think we've got the right to know exactly what makes him say You-Know-Who's back.'

'That's really not what this meeting was supposed to be about -'

'It's OK, Hermione,' Harry spoke finally. 'What makes me say You-Know-Who's back? I saw him. But Dumbledore told the whole school what happened last year, and if you didn't believe him, you won't believe me, and I'm not wasting an afternoon trying to convince anyone.'

The argument continued and everyone around was listening. I was looking at Harry but my mind was drifting. Even though we have already met on the station, I was still confused by the fact that this boy ‒ this ordinary looking boy with glasses ‒ was the reason why my life turned out absolutely different than it should have. I wasn't sure what I felt because of it (was I grateful? was I curious? angry?) except that it seemed... strange. To him, I was just a sister of a person he knows; an acquaintance, the sole Slytherin at his meeting. For me, he was the reason why I had two families, why I did not hate muggles, why I wasn't best friends with Draco Malfoy... and why I spent nights crying for my mother when I was a child.

Was this a good idea? The thought passed through my head again, but it had been so often in my mind for the last month that it became irrelevant. It just seemed I was not in control of my future, so even if it was the worst idea in the world, it felt as if I had no control over it. How could I have known Harry was meant to be the leader of this defence group? How could I have known that agreeing to learn defence w get me to see plump face of Neville Longbottom on weekly basis?

They were talking about Harry's ability to cast Patronus now, and I took the chance to inspect Neville's face. This time I knew what was the feeling I had ‒ pure guilt.

'And in our first year, he saved that Philological Stone -' he spoke out of nowhere.

'Philosopher's,' hissed Hermione.

'Yes, that - from You-Know-Who.' He seemed like a good kid, so excited about the fact that he knew something about Harry Potter, that he was a part of it.

Lin's hand found mine and she squeezed; she knew exactly who I was eyeing and she could feel my tension. I squeezed back, showing how grateful I was for the gentle touch. I wanted to run out of there and never have to look at Neville again; yet my eyes could not move from his face and he finally noticed me. Confused, he turned around, as if to see if I was looking at something behind him. I blinked, and turned my head away, biting my lip hard. Way to go Lola. Not creepy at all.

Hermione was speaking again, ending the argument that was centred about Smith. 'Moving on: the point is, are we agreed we want to take lessons from Harry?'

People around the table agreed and I nodded hesitantly.

'Well then, the next question is how often we do it. I really don't think there's any point in meeting less than once a week -'

'Hang on, we need to make sure this doesn't clash with our Quidditch practice,' spoke a Gryffindor girl, who I recognized as the captain of their Quidditch team.

'No, nor with ours,' one Ravenclaw girl added.

'Nor ours,' said Smith. I could not help rolling my eyes.

'You should really stop hating on everything about Quidditch...' muttered Lin in my ear; she had much more patience about Quidditch then I did. Then again, it was not that hard ‒ I had absolutely no interest in it.

'I'm sure we can find a night that suits everyone,' said Hermione sounding as pleased as I was about Quidditch. 'But you know, this is rather important, we're talking about learning to defend ourselves against V-Voldemort's Death Eaters -'

All right, I am ready to fight against my parents! I bitterly thought. For the first time, Lin seemed to show a sign of discomfort. She nervously moved in her chair. For anyone else, it would look like a sign of impatience, but I knew better. 'Are you enjoying as much as I do?' she whispered into my ear, as Hermione got into argument with Luna Lovegood.

'You bet,' I rolled my eyes 'I had no idea, Lin...'

'I know,' she sighed 'I guess it will be hard to get out of this kind of situations, so we might as well get used to it...'

It was weird to hear Lin sound so awkward about the matter. She never cared; she went on with her life as if it didn't concern her in the slightest. But Lin, I knew, did not excuse our parents' deeds as I might have. She was far too little when they took them, so she did not have the image of them to cling to. All she knew was what she was told and those stories usually involved Longbottoms. I realized that the sight of their son must have woken even worse guilt in her than it did in me.

'Hem, hem,' I heard Umbridge's well-known phrase and twitched, only to find it was actually Ginny, the twins' sister, imitating her. I let out a nervous laughter. 'Weren't we trying to decide how often we're going to meet and have defence lessons?'

'Yes, yes, we were, you're right, Ginny,' Hermione agreed.

'Well, once a week sounds cool,' said Lee Jordan.

'As long as -' Gryffindor captain began.

'Yes, yes,' Hemrione was impatient, 'we know about the Quidditch. Well, the other thing to decide is where we're going to meet:'

Few people gave suggestion, but none seemed likely. Finally, Hermione said, 'Right, well, we'll try to find somewhere. We'll send a message round to everybody when we've got a time and a place for the first meeting.' She opened her bag and took out a parchment and a quill. 'I - I think everybody should write their name down, just so we know who was here. But I also think that we all ought to agree not to shout about what we're doing. So if you sign, you're agreeing not to tell Umbridge or anybody else what we're up to.'

Fred was the first to reach out for the parchment and sign his name, handing it to George. 'Come on, our token Slytherin,' he pushed parchment to me 'Make us proud.'

If he only did not say that, I might have not taken it so willingly, signing my name down in a manner that seemed quite more eager than I actually felt. I turned to Lin, whose mouth was askew. 'So, what does it means when we sign it?' she asked and took me by surprise.

'What do you mean?' Hermione wondered.

'I mean, what are our... obligations? To come to all the meetings? Not to speak of it?' Lin was turning the quill around in her hand.

Hermione seemed tiny bit uncomfortable as Lin's blue eyes piercingly gazed at her, 'Not to speak of it to Umbridge. That's all.'

Lin nodded, as if it cleared all up, signing down Marcelina Tonks.

'What was that questioning all about? What do you mean what it means if we sign it?' I asked Lin as we walked down to Hogwarts later that day.

'She put a jinx on it,' Lin explained.

I stopped walking, 'How do you know?'

Lin smirked, 'Hermione is the smartest witch of her age or, well, probably any age at Hogwarts at the moment. She has enough brains and magic to do that. But she is a bad liar. You could see she did not feel good about it. The nervous voice, saying that if we sign it we agree not to tell. It gives her away.' She shrugged, 'Tis a smart move, though. I just wanted to make sure.'

'So what happens if you tell?' I asked, small panic rising inside me.

'I do hope you won't find out, Lols,' she mocked, 'Do you plan on squealing?'

'No!'

'Well then, you're fine. That's why I asked if it means coming to all the meetings ‒ if we see that it's all...' she tried to find a word, 'a bit too much for us, well, we can always not come again.'

I licked my lips slowly, 'When did you manage to think about any of that?'

'While you were sitting there, eyeing Longbottom and screaming on the inside,' Lin chuckled, turning away in direction of the castle, 'Don't worry, though. I wasn't feeling any better.'

'It still kind of feels good,' I admitted finally, after walking in silence for awhile, 'Like we are breaking the code, the rules. I know for you it seems like the normal thing but, while agonising, for me it is also... refreshing. As if I am proving that I am not my mother. That I won't agree to be her.'

Lin's mouth curled up, 'I know that. Truth to be told, I do not care much about defence; I just think this is your way to break off with it. And find some friends, so you might even stop bothering me and following me around.'

We both laughed and I put my arm around her, as we walked together to the castle.