Alone for Christmas
This Quantum Leap™ story utilizes characters that are copyright © by Bellasarius Productions and Universal Studios. No infringement on their respective copyrights is intended by the author in any way, shape or form. This fan fiction story is written solely for the entertainment of the readers and is not for profit. All fiction, plots, and original characters are the sole creations of the author.
A special thank you to Al's "brunette in Delaware" for her permission to publish this story. It was written as a Christmas gift and therefore truly belongs to her.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story is a sequel to Christmas Past. However, it is not necessary to read it prior to reading this. Wouldn't hurt, though. The author has a third Christmas story entitled 'Twas the Night Before. That one stands alone! Enjoy and Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and a Joyous Eid to all!
Alone for Christmas
Chapter Four - All
Chili mac man just kept grumbling. At least once a minute, he looked outside again wanting some kind of snow miracle to happen so he could leave this group of Pollyannas. Deuce finally yelled across the room. "What the hell, mister, take a table by the door."
The man sat closer to the door, but not for Deuce's sake. It got him a little more distanced from the quartet he loathed.
Gracie decided to take a nap as well. With her multiple sclerosis, she tired easily even when exciting things happened around her. Not too long after she sat in the chili mac man's vacant booth and joined Al in slumber, Mona took a couple of coats from the lost and found and covered both her charges. Deuce took up his position at the end of the counter and Mona attended to cleaning her grill. The two hours of quiet time rejuvenated everyone.
His eyes fluttered trying to keep the overhead lighting from making his eyes flinch from the brightness. Looking around he saw tranquility in the ordinary. He didn't ever want to leave the diner again. A life like Deuce's looked pretty good to him. The only people surrounding him would be those who cared. Mona noticed her boy wiping sleep from the edge of his eye. It was past seven now. A lot needed saying and this might be the best time. Deuce was involved with a three-day old newspaper. Gracie softly snored and chili mac man, possessed by his inner demons, simply stared.
"So, Al, what brought you back here?"
"It was freaky, Miss Mona." That Halsey recognized him was still making him shake his head in wonderment. "I hadn't planned on being here at all. I was on my way to Chicago."
"Halsey McGinty, what a lovely man."
"I never imagined seeing any of you again. The only one not here is Mrs. Zimmer. How is she?"
It was Mona's turn to tell the bad news. "Honey, Mrs. Zimmer died a few months after your last visit, liver cancer. She was sick at Christmas, but didn't want anyone to know."
Another death. True, he met her only one time, but then he decorated only one Christmas tree in his entire life and he did that with Mrs. Zimmer and with her scarf. "I liked her."
"Most people did. It's easy to like people who devote themselves to making children happy."
His eyes looked down at the floor. "Must be why it's so easy to like you, Miss Mona."
It was time for him to start talking to her. The obvious pain in his heart was so enormous and he needed to tell her. "Sweetheart, you've had a rough go since the last time we were together."
She was being kind and gentle. Miss Mona treated him with tenderness and honesty. That's what made it possible for him to tell his truths. "Yeah, rougher than I would have wanted, but I guess it was meant to be."
"I'm really excited that you're a pilot. You have your wings, now. You can fly."
When he was flying, his world changed from bleak to beautiful. The clouds cushioned the world below him and nothing but the sun and stars were ahead. Peace settled on his face and Mona couldn't help but notice. Her grin embarrassed him a bit. "Yeah, I know. It's the best thing. Nothing ties me down. There is a kind of quiet. I mean the engines make noise, but there's a quiet inside me that I don't have when I'm on land. The only problem is I can't stay there forever. I have to come back to earth and that's when all the trouble starts." His sprained foot hurt, his heart hurt, he didn't know where his life was going and the only people who cared about him were people he hadn't seen in 19 years. The emptiness of his life was cracking the carefully built façade he presented to those who thought him a smart-aleck, wise guy with too much brains and too little self-control. "When I'm flying, it's the only time I feel safe. Miss Mona, it's people I don't understand. Give me an engine, ask me to solve some math equation, make me recite Shakespeare - all that I can do. For some reason, it impresses people, so I let them be impressed with that. The rest of me is worthless."
"There never was and there will never be a time in your life when you are worthless. Things have happened to you that have been hard and you've gotten through them, but getting through the bad times doesn't mean you still aren't hurt by them."
His beautiful eyes looked into hers and pleaded. "How can I make the hurt go away?"
"Baby, hurt doesn't ever really go away. It just changes form into something we can handle."
"I don't have a clue what that means."
"That's because your hurts are still bleeding, but I think maybe you're picking at them so they won't ever stop bleeding."
His breathing got a little tight and slowly shook his head. "I'm supposed to bleed. I'm supposed to always hurt. It's only fair."
Before Mona could say a word, the lights in the diner started to flicker. Everyone's attention flew to the ceiling and within seconds, they were in the dark.
Taking charge in emergencies was a special talent he had, so Al took control. "Okay, no one move. You're safe right now, so stay safe. I'm going to see if it's the diner or if the lights are out all over the place." He carefully stood up and got to the diner doorway. Outside he saw the streetlamps misting the snow and a storefront a few doors down seemed to have its window displays still lit. "Miss Mona, I think it's just your place."
"Oh dear, I was afraid of that." She called out, "Deuce, do you think it's the breaker again?"
From across the dark room Deuce answered, "Probably. You still got that flashlight I give you?"
"At the end of the counter, on the bottom shelf."
They could hear Deuce moving about and then a shaft of light shone around the room. "I'll go see what I can do." The light was pointed toward the back door. "You all do like Al said and stay put. No need in having another one with a bad ankle."
Gracie woke up with the excitement. "Oh, I hope this is a blackout and not me going blind."
Chili mac man didn't help matters. "I kind of wish you'd go dumb so you'd shut up."
That was it. Al would not let the customer treat Miss Gracie like that. He stumbled to the man's table. In a soft, angry voice he asked, "Where are you?"
The man wasn't going to let a kid intimidate him. "Right here, sailor boy." With a cruel low laugh he said, "What the hell do you want?"
Al had seen evil in his life, known evil, been consumed by it. So when the man spoke he recognized that he was in its presence again. "You need to remember your manners. It's Christmas Eve and no one here has done anything to bother you. Now, I expect you to either lose the attitude or shut up or leave. Take your pick, but don't harass these people. Understand?"
The low laugh sounded again. "Go away."
Mona heard it all and called to Al. "Come back, sweetie. You need to stay off that foot."
The lights flashed once, then again and finally came on full. Al was still at the man's table. In the light, the face looked more empty of kindness than Al could imagine. When his eyes locked with the man, a pall covered him. There was nothing inside chili mac man's soul. It was a vacant thing. Al filled with fear and sorrow. He felt like he was seeing himself 30 years down the line. It wasn't a good feeling. "Let's start all over again, okay? Can I get you a cup of coffee?"
"Yeah, wait tables. That's about all you're good for."
Al clenched his fest and walked back toward people he knew had hearts. The coffee could have been hotter, but he really didn't care.
Deuce came back into the diner. "Breaker switch. That's all. I think it was the Christmas lights that done it."
Al looked to the side and the tree lit up with colored lights. He hadn't seen anyone go near it and now it had lights. Whispering to the magic he said, "It's happening again."
After pouring a cup of coffee, Al sat next to Deuce at the counter. It was time for guy talk and Deuce started with, "Yeah, I did some wiring for Mona and all that needs to happen is for one little light bulb to be in the wrong place and the whole thing blows. I got to get in there fix it up."
Chili mac man had to make his ugly comments. "That what you get for hiring an idiot to do real work. You get what you pay for."
While he wanted to go and deck the guy, the glowing Christmas tree and more guy talk demanded Al's attention. He told Deuce, "I'm pretty good at wiring. Maybe we can take a look at it later."
Gracie made her way toward her friends. "You got the ornaments there?"
A small box sat near the tree. Mona opened it and pulled out a scarf. "Now, how did this get in there? I don't remember any scarf being in the box last year."
Al moved toward the tree now staring at the scarf. "That's Mrs. Zimmer's. That's the scarf she had me put on the tree when I was a kid." He took it in his hands and brought it to his face to smell the cologne that was still there. "This was the first thing I ever put on a Christmas tree." Just as he had 19 years earlier, he laid the scarf across the branches and smiled. "Thank you, Mrs. Zimmer."
The moment was too important in his life to have the chili mac man butt his way in even if the guy had to start. "Isn't that sweet? Shit, you're a grown man and it's a damned tree. Grow up."
They all chose to ignore the comments. They were coming faster now and meant to hurt. This was no time to hurt. Mona took Al's hand. "We have some unfinished conversation to tend to." She brought him as far away from the chili mac man as she could. "We don't need him eavesdropping, do we."
The guy didn't like being ignored and he made it known. "Yeah, sit over there. At least one thing will go right tonight. I won't have to listen to you."
Deuce was about at the end of his rope. "Just can it, mister. No one wants to listen to you either, so just keep your trap shut."
Mona kept Al moving away from the noise. "Don't bother with that, sweetie. Talk to me." They were back at the far table. She sat so Al's back was to the chili mac man. There was no need for that kind of negative energy to take strength from her boy. She asked him, "Why do you think you deserve to hurt?"
Counting all the reasons was an endless task. There were too many. Sharing with this true friend would hurt her and he didn't want to do that. Answering had to be avoided. "I was talking stupid. That's all. Don't pay any mind to how I rant."
"You must feel like everyone's deserted you." She didn't like the idea that her surly customer was obviously listening in to what Al had to say, but it was more important that Al talk and less important that someone wanted to nose round.
"Deserted me? No, it was their misfortune. They got saddled with me and it ended up bad every time. It's my fault."
"How can that be? It's not your fault your mother ran out on you. It's not your fault you father died of cancer. It is not your fault that Trudy died of pneumonia."
Chili mac man was listening hard, looking for ammunition to cut Al down to size. Mona watched him lean toward their table wanting to know more.
It was time to tell the truth. His heart pounded in his chest and he desperately wanted forgiveness. "I told her it would be okay."
"Told who what?"
"Told Trudy she'd be safe." His voice was quiet and grief-stricken. "When our mother walked out on us, I said I'd take care of her. She trusted me and I failed her."
"Never. You would never fail Trudy."
His fists were clenching again and the pain in his ankle felt well-deserved. "What would you call it? I snuck her onto a train to try and find my father who was somewhere west of New York City. How ridiculous is that?"
The truth in her eyes was very different. "If you hadn't left New York that day, you never would have made it here. It was the best decision you could have made."
"I can't tell you how many times she asked, 'Where's Mama? Where's Mama?' and I had nothing to tell her. She didn't understand that our mother ran off with some pig, that she could not have cared any less for us if she tried. Trudy loved everyone. She just assumed everyone loved her. I couldn't make her the world she deserved."
Each night for the 19 years it took for Al to get back to her, Mona prayed that he would have peace in his heart and come to understand how special he was and how much the world needed people like him. She prayed he would finally understand that and now she was saddened because her prayers had not been answered. "Al, your mother walked away from two of the most perfect children God ever created. Why she did that is beyond me. Some kind of evil had to possess her, but whatever the reason, she left you and Trudy. Nothing will change that. Holding onto to that pain isn't going to hurt your mother. It's only going to eat away at your soul."
Behind them, chili mac man chuckled deep in his throat, an ugly sound too soft to hear.
A buzzing in his ear told Al that Mona was talking, but he heard none of it. The story wasn't over. "A few weeks after you took care of us, my dad left us at the orphanage. Trudy was so scared. She didn't have a clue what was happening. She saw Dad leaving and thought it was like when Mom left us." His hand covered his eyes. "She cried and I couldn't stop her. Trudy fell asleep that first night crying. I made a vow to her that she would always be happy."
Mona leaned her head on his shoulder. "That's not a promise you can make. You were a little boy and you didn't know better. You can't hold a little boy to something like that."
"But no one else was going to take care of her. I loved my father. He was good to us when he was home, but he left Trudy and me at the orphanage and I know it's not his fault, but then he had to go and die. It was my job to take care of her and she's dead. It's my fault."
"How could it be your fault?"
No one heard chili mac man whisper, "Tell her how it's all your fault, moron boy."
His heart pounded so hard he thought he heard it echo through the diner. "My mother left us. It couldn't have been because of Trudy. She loved everyone. I was the one people complained about. I was the troublemaker. The teachers, the people in our building, everyone kept saying I was no good. My mother ran away, but she ran away from me, and Trudy paid for that with her life. When it comes to loving people, I can't do anything right. I don't want to love anyone again. I'll end up ruining their lives. I can't do it. I have to be alone. I can't love anyone again. I just can't."
The entire diner hushed. Deuce and Gracie made no bones about their eavesdropping. The singer took the mechanic's hand and held on hoping to gather strength to listen her boy's anguish. In between them and Al, Chili mac man watched with a grin.
Mona took Al's face in her hands. She peered into his soul. "You listen to me. Your best thing is loving people. I know how smart you are, how talented and strong and determined, but all of that is nothing to how well you love people. Trudy's life would have been hell without you. Every day she was apart from you, she had the hope you'd come back. Without that hope, without that dream, she would have died with an empty spirit. She had your love and she always knew that."
"I failed her. She depended on me and I failed." The tears he kept inside for over eight years started to find their way down his face. It was a sign of weakness that he hated. His own rough hand rubbed them away and he sucked in all the pain he was so close to letting fly away. "I failed her. I failed my mother. I failed my father. I just can't see it any other way."
"You have to. You absolutely have to. There is peace for you, but you're one of those who have to work harder for it. It doesn't seem fair, but fairness can be hard to come by. Peace of heart and mind is worth it though, Al."
A stone coldness stiffened his posture and the barriers he developed for so long came back with a vengeance. "There will never be peace for me. I don't have that right. I just have to learn to live knowing God has chosen to make me His little private joke."
Gracie stood up and started walking slowly toward Al. She sang out the powerful words, "And in despair, I bowed my head. 'There is no peace on earth,' I said. For hate is strong and mocks the song of peace on earth, goodwill to men."
Al hoped that he could maybe stop breathing altogether and it could all be over, but these people loved him and they weren't going to let him off the hook. "Miss Gracie, please don't. There's no peace for me. There never will be."
She paid no attention to his petition. Her stride and her voice grew stronger. "Then pealed the bells more loud and deep. God is not dead nor does he sleep. The wrong shall fail. The right prevail with peace on earth, goodwill to men."
Chili mac man stood up and yelled, "Shut up! Can't you keep your mouth shut for five minutes?"
Ankle or no ankle, even if it was Christmas Eve, the guy crossed the line for the last time. Al reached him in half a second and he pulled his enemy onto the floor, straddling him, poised and wanting to hurt him. "Don't talk to her like that. She has more right to be here than you do!" He held a fist in front of the guy's face. "Be grateful that Miss Mona and Miss Gracie are here. If they weren't, you'd be feeling this."
The guy wasn't a match for the young pilot and he knew it. He could only win with words. "You're pathetic. You always were." The hitch in Al's breath told the man he hit a nerve. "Yeah, you were an ungrateful brat and you grew up to be a simpering fool like your old man."
Al moved off the man, standing over him, staring down at the insignificance lying on the floor. "You don't know me and you don't know my father."
Without a 27-year-old sitting on his chest, the man was able to stand up. "Yeah, well, I never met him, but Vince Calavicci was about as worthless as you."
Deuce walked to Al's side to stand with him against this guy, whoever he was. "Mister, it's time for you to shut up, not Gracie. Why don't you just get out of here."
Chili mac man kept pushing buttons. "Your mother slept with anyone who wore pants."
Deuce started to dive toward the guy. Al stopped him before he took two steps. "Deuce, this is my fight, not yours."
"It's no one's fight." Mona stepped between the man and her friends. "This isn't the way it's supposed to be. It's Christmas Eve. If you can't respect each other, then at least respect the day. I won't have this in my diner!"
His love for Miss Mona relaxed his shoulders and he fell out of his fighting stance. "I'm sorry."
The man wasn't going to let it stop. "Yeah, you are sorry. So was that retard sister of yours. You think your mother ran away because of you. Guess what! She hated Trudy even more than she hated you."
Keeping his cool was getting hard again. "Who are you?"
Mona started shaking her head hoping this man wasn't who she thought he was. "Sir, you have to leave."
Ignoring the request, he stared at Al and just kept going. "I'm the man who just got out of jail for killing your mother. I'm out of prison two days and I get stuck in a greasy diner with her spawn."
Al approached the man, his limp getting more pronounced, so tired of soul that he felt seven-years-old again. "You're the pig she ran off with."
He wasn't going to back down. "Your mother told me that you and your sister were obnoxious, ugly and a waste of time. Leaving you was the easiest thing she ever did."
The silence felt like the calm before an avalanche with everyone poised for a catastrophe, not knowing how to escape it. Deuce found a voice first. "You killed his mother?"
"I told you before, involuntary manslaughter, idiot. At least that's what the jury convicted me for. None of them knew the truth." His grating laugh added, "She got on my nerves."
Holding in his rage and profound grief, he reiterated Mona's request. "You need to leave now."
"Yeah, your mom was good. All my friends said so." Sitting back down and looking smug as the fallen angel he gave it one more shot. "Always thought I should have brought the retard along with us. She probably would have been popular with the guys, too." The goading wouldn't stop. "Yeah, retardo would have done good work."
Al hurled his body at the source of all his grief. The second blow to the guy's face splattered blood from a broken nose. Mona, Deuce and Gracie all tried to separate them, but Al was intent on killing the man whose unconscionable morality instigated the long years of grief he endured. The blame for everything bad in his life was under his hands and his hands were around the guy's neck. A raspy gurgle was all that sounded out from the man. Mona pulled Al's shoulders back, but she didn't have the strength to fight his fury. Deuce was trying to keep Al from fracturing the guy's larynx. Gracie stood by knowing she was too physically weak to do any good, so she remained at the side crying for her boy and all his terrifying self-hate. The lights began to flicker again, but Al stayed his course. Rhythmically he pushed on the man's airway. "This is for Trudy." He mashed down again. "This one is for her, too!" His thumbs pressed on the guy's Adam's apple. "This one is for me!" Then he stopped talking and just choked.
The lights flashed off just as Al heard, "Allie, no, no, no! Allie, no!"
He turned toward the sound, toward the Christmas tree. In the murky shadows, a little girl held out her arms, her face filled with fear, and tears streaming from her differently-shaped eyes. The evil under his hands didn't deserve to take her from him again. "Trudy!"
"Allie, no!"
He spent no time questioning how she got there. His leg twisted under him as he tried to get to the miracle apparition. "It's okay, honey. It's okay." When he reached his baby sister, he took her in his arms and held her so closely. "Baby, are you real?"
"Trudy love Allie. Trudy love Allie. Allie no fight."
Mona and Deuce stood back and watched the reunion. Gracie did what she does and sang, "Some children see Him lily white, the baby Jesus born this night. Some children see him lily white with tresses soft and fair."
There was no stopping Al's tears now. He had her back. She fit in his arms perfectly. This little piece of flawlessness hugged him and wanting to comfort as much as be comforted.
"Some children see Him bronzed and brown, the Lord of Heaven to earth come down. Some children see Him bronzed and brown, with dark and heavy hair."
Al sat on the floor and pulled Trudy onto his lap. "I'm so sorry, little one. I didn't mean to leave you there. I really did try to get you."
"Trudy love Allie. Allie love Trudy."
"Some children see Him almond-eyed, this Savior whom we kneel beside. Some children see Him almond-eyed with skin of golden hue."
The Navy pilot rocked his little sister and cried. "You should have had a happy life. It wasn't right what happened to you."
"Some children see Him dark as they, sweet Mary's son to whom we pray. Some children see Him dark as they and, oh! they love Him too."
"Trudy love Allie. Trudy happy. Trudy happy."
The lights flickered sending a soft glow throughout the room. "I wish I could believe you, Trudy. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy."
"Trudy happy. Trudy want Allie happy! Allie be happy."
"The children in each different place will see the baby Jesus' face like theirs, but bright with heavenly grace and filled with holy light."
"I miss you so much. You're the only one who ever loved me. No one will love me again." He straightened her hair and her favorite pink bow.
She shook her sweet head, "Allie be happy. Allie no cry for Trudy. Allie no cry."
Despite her plea, Al gave into the hurt in his soul and finally allowed himself the privilege of mourning the loss of the most right thing he ever had in his life. "Don't leave me. You can't leave me again."
"Trudy go away. Allie be happy. Trudy love Allie. Trudy love Allie."
"O lay aside each earthly thing and with thy heart as offering, come worship now the infant King. 'Tis love that born tonight."
A wind blew through the diner. The lights returned and the man was gone. The bells on the door hadn't rung and nobody heard or saw him exit. Al got to his feet and grimaced with the pain. The ankle needed attending, but with the snow, it wasn't going to happen soon and even if it could, Trudy was here and he wouldn't leave. Peering out the front door Al saw not one person. He gazed at the snow-covered ground and saw no footsteps. "Where is he?"
Mona came to his side. "I don't know. I didn't see him leave, but I'm glad he did. Are you alright, Al?"
He embraced Mona, shaking with fear and sorrow and supreme joy. Trudy was with him again. "How did you do this?"
"I think you did it all by yourself."
In 1941, Trudy delighted in the beautiful Christmas tree at Mona's, especially when a special light appeared. Now, she was squealing with delight again. A mysterious golden star materialized at the top of the tree. "Look! Star! Look!"
The ankle was worse and the pain of walking back to Trudy showed on his face. "It's a miracle, Trudy. Miracles happen at Miss Mona's." He dropped to one knee on the floor next to her. "I love you so much." His hand tentatively rubbed the sprain.
Her little face looked so very sad. "Allie booboo." Leaning down, she kissed the sore ankle.
"Trudy, my shoe is dirty. Don't kiss my shoe."
She didn't listen to him. Her goal was simple. "Trudy love Allie. Trudy kiss booboo. Make booboo go way."
The pain faded and he felt healing pulse through his leg. He held her again. "It's all better now, Trudy. You made everything all better. I have you again. It's all better."
Mona sat down next to him. "Honey, do you really think she's going to be able to stay?"
The little sister he loved was in his arms. It was Christmas Eve. Mona's Diner brought miracles. "Why not? She's here now."
Trudy crawled out of his arms and touched the tree. "Pretty."
Big brother smiled. "The tree is pretty, just like you."
She looked at her "Allie" and smiled. Her tiny arms engulfed him. "Trudy go bye-bye."
"You can't leave me again. You can't!"
Patting his chest tenderly she told him, "Allie be happy. Trudy go bye-bye."
He reached out to hold her again and his arms went through empty air. She was gone. Mona put her arms around Al as he cried in a way he had never cried before, sobbing, "What am I going to do? No one will ever love me like that again."
Gracie started softly again, "The children in each different place will see the baby Jesus' face like theirs, but bright with heavenly grace and filled with holy light."
"Trudy loved you. Now you have to let other people love you, too."
More mumbo jumbo that made little sense. "I don't know, Miss Mona. I'm a bad seed."
Her tears started, but they were reflections of the pain in his heart. "There's no such thing. You're not anything bad at all. Just believe in Trudy and what she taught you." He heard, but didn't understand. "Trudy knew love better than anyone. Remember that and she loved you more than anyone else in the world."
Mona's love gave him Trudy if only for a few minutes. He wasn't convinced completely, but he had to know if he was on the right track. "It's okay, then? I don't have to be afraid to love someone?"
The question brought more tears to her eyes. She held onto him, cradling his tired body. This grown man asked his question with the tenuous hope of a lost child. "Never be afraid to love. It won't always be easy and sometimes it will make you sad, but it's the only thing that makes life worth living."
"O lay aside each earthly thing and with thy heart as offering, come worship now the infant King. 'Tis love that born tonight."
I Heard the Bells by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Some Children See Him © Alfred Burt and Wihla Hutson