I had no idea how much you loved me? Hell, you didn't know how much I loved you.
And because of that, I hate you.
You're standing right in front of me, and yet you do not notice. Neither do you let me go.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…
No, no I don't.
And you know you don't either. Why else would you be standing in front of my grave for two nights straight, and just not fuckin' letting me go?
Damnit. You've been talking to me for two whole damn nights and you're still going on. You were crying, but now you don't even do that. And you think you have it bad? Think about me, my soul still bound here because of you, listening to every word you force out, watching every breath you waste away, while you being the ignorant you don't even see me, hear what I say in response?
…Oh yeah, you were always like that. Ever since we met for the first time. I still remember you calling me a tomboy, dressing like a boy when I was a girl… You've no clue how much I hated you then. I had enough people telling me how pretty I would've looked in a dress, and I didn't need another one. You didn't realize that, did you? You just thought it was fun to tease me.
But then, I beat you up. Yeah, the memory of that still brings a smile to my face. I am capable of smiling, whatever you may believe. Since you stopped making fun of me after that, I guess I started to accept you more. We were the same, stuck in a porcelain world of politics where children too were tools, and yet so different…you being the prankster and me being the composed kid.
……The encounter with you changed everything. I learned how to have fun for the first time in my life… I never knew that before, did you know that? I guess you didn't. I was raised by my five hundred year old nurse, to whom tradition and proper behavior was everything. You were the first one who taught me how to climb a tree, how to catch a bug and slip it in someone's drink, how to run around in the sun playing tag all day long…
You were the first person who'd make any jokes around me. Like when you told me you'd make me your girlfriend if I was a girl? That was about the first funny thing I've heard in my life. As insulting as it was, I never knew anything could feel so real. So vivid.
How I wished I could be like that again. How I still wish I could be like that. Hell, how I wish I was beside you right now, with you actually seeing how hurt I am too! You being the stupid you only tell these things to me after I'm gone for good. Do you realize how much nicer it would have been if you told me this earlier, when I could actually get my reaction across? No, of course you don't. Damnit.
You always thought you had to keep me smiling. Didn't you realize at all that I smiled less because I knew I was becoming addicted to your presence? It was like… I couldn't stand alone anymore. The more you joked, the more I needed you, the more dependent I was on you… and I didn't want that. But you kept me smiling anyway. Yeah, you and your stupid jokes.
I hated seeing those amethyst eyes trying so hard to sparkle while carrying hurt. And no, you wouldn't stop trying even when I told you to, because you thought you had to keep me smiling. I hated that hurt look, especially knowing it was because of me.
And you know what? That hurt too. Not half as much as this, but it still hurt.
And when we parted for college? Oh yeah, I remember that. I only chose my college because you weren't going there. So I wouldn't rely on you the way I did. But you'd write me e-mails every, single, freakin' day, asking me how life was and cracking jokes all over. If you think I didn't care, then you're wrong. I sat in front of my computer screen waiting like a hungry dog everyday.
Yeah. I remember that. I guess that would've made you feel less like shit right now, wouldn't it? Too bad you're ignorant that I'm still here, in front of you, watching you drown in misery…on my account, again.
Not that college could ever last forever. We met back again, and guess what? Just another smile from you and I was back in that bottomless pit again. I don't know, I couldn't help it. That's how freakin' addictive you were. Just your presence was enough to elate me, so I stopped trying to hide me.
Those days were heaven, you have no idea. I tried everything to keep you by my side, and I did succeed. But now I was slipping away. I needed to get away from you, because I was drowning in you. This was about the time when I realized I loved you…so this time, I enlisted. If school was not enough to part me from you, the army should have been.
But you, yes, you, had to come with me. I needed something to hold on to, and I didn't care if it was killing or destroying or annihilating a town. I needed to hold on, and I didn't know I could've held on to you. And all the time you were there, watching me sadly with your violet eyes.
One night though, I broke. Heck, I don't remember what it was anymore. Was it the realization of what I was actually learning, or was it something so trivial like you talking to some unknown girl? I don't know and I don't care. All I remember is that the wall I built around myself crashed down, and I was frantically knocking on your door, my heart threatening to tear into pieces. Then I poured out my fear…for losing, for drowning, for everything…
I soon found myself in your arms, embraced in your warmth, feeling more safe than I'd ever felt before. It was a fleeting moment. How I wish I was back there. How I wish I was still there! This is killing me although I'm already dead. You in front of me, calling out my name…I hearing everything, answering, while you don't see me, don't feel me…
If you can't see that I'm here, just let me go! Please… This is just too painful. If I can't reach something, don't make me see it…!
It feels so long ago that I felt anything but pain. I love you, and I know that you love me. It's still so intense that it threatens to burn my non-existent skin. I can see it in your eyes…and if only you could see mine, you'd see it too. Do you realize how hard it is to stay without you seeing me? Trust me, it's more painful than losing someone completely. At least you know I'm dead. But I know that you are alive. I see you, and I hear you. But you don't. Like you completely forgot about me.
Don't even ask me why I did what I did. I couldn't stop myself. I know, I know only too well that you were perfectly capable of saving your sorry skin. I know that you are a competent pilot. I, of all people, know that. So don't ask me why.
I just couldn't stay there, doing nothing, while that threatening beam went over to you.
I just flew there. I didn't think. I couldn't. I needed to get to you before that laser beam got to you. I just…I don't know. You say I confuse you? Hell, you confuse me. I seem to think logically whenever you're not around, but when you are, which is the closest it gets to always, my brain just shuts down.
Damnit, Dearka. Why do you have to do this to me? You keep shunning me out of your head telling yourself I'm dead, so just let me go! If you won't see me, hear me, feel me…then stop torturing me like this! Just…don't! Stop tormenting me with those eyes. Please. I liked them to sparkle, not to seem so empty like it does now.
Goddamn you, Dearka. I love you too much, and I need you too much…but…you love me too much too.
You tell me to remember all these past stories you tell me. But then, do you remember when I told you that you were my curse? That you owned me, and you could do anything to me and it wouldn't matter? That you were free to twist my soul to suit your needs? You took it as one of those "hot, dirty nothings" we whispered to each other in bed, and told me that I owned your soul then, and I could twist it into whatever I liked. What you didn't know was that I was serious. And guess what it proved.
You're my curse to remain here, chained to my gravestone as long as you keep gripping on to my existence. Just accept it that I'm dead, that I'm gone, and go on with your fuckin' life! If you don't need me, then just please leave me alone. I'm not killing you, you're goddamn killing yourself. It's this endless chain we put ourselves in, Dearka. Neither of us can escape from the other.
Do you remember when we were still carefree children?
Do you remember those innocent times before everything became so twisted and heavy?
Maybe that was the reason why I killed myself with an excuse to save you. Maybe I just wanted to free us both from this unhealthy obsession we placed ourselves into.
Because, Dearka, we both don't remember anything anymore.
Well, so here's the second part. I wish you all like it too, although I feel like it lacks the initial velocity...
Yeah, I liked the other chapter better. But since I couldn't make this sound better, and I promised the second one to come, here it is. Don't kill me for it...
Thanks to my readers, as always. For my reviewers, you don't know how much I enjoyed reading the last reviews. It's a nice feeling to have people encouraging me. THANKS AGAIN!