"Hello soon to be ex-wife of mine" Derek spoke in an unusually chipper tone. He had been gloating ever since Meredith and him had reunited, and he made no effort to hide it from Addison. He refused to spare her any pain. Now she saw what it was like for Derek to have found out about her and Mark.
Did I hear you right 'cause I thought you said Let's think it over
You have been my life And I never planned Growing old without you
Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?
Each gloating word he spoke only succeeded in pushing the dagger further into Addison's now fragile heart. She wasn't sure how much more of this she could take. She had been strong for so long, and with each shove from Derek she could feel her walls beginning to crumble all around. She had loved him with everything she had inside of her. She had made the worst mistake possible, yes, but she was hurt and not thinking straight. She had become invisible to Derek after eleven years of marriage, and she just felt so worthless. Mark Sloan was there and it just…happened. She had never meant to hurt Derek. That was the difference between the two of them. Addison had never wanted to make scars on Derek's heart, but he seemed to take immense pleasure in making her life a living hell. She just wanted to know when he would be done hurting her.
"Derek, don't. I know that you're with Meredith and you're happy, alright? I'm out of your life so lets just keep it that way. Don't talk to me unless it's medically related. Please."
But when I need you You're almost here And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you I'm close to tears '
cause you're only almost here
I would change the world If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me
Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts
Haven't I always loved you?
Addison realized that she sounded like a thirteen year old girl begging to have her way, but she wasn't sure what other approach to take. Nothing she tried got thorough to Derek He had won. He had the woman he desired most, Meredith, back in his arms and Addison was once again all alone. Wasn't that enough for him? She couldn't comprehend how the man she had once adored so much could turn into someone so cruel. The Derek she had married would never treat her, or any other person, in such a manner. That's just the thing, he wasn't the same man anymore. She was different too. No matter how much both of them desired to cover it up, there was no denying that they weren't the people they fell in love with all those years ago. Time hadn't been kind to them, and their wounds were simply too deep to get past.
"Addie, I didn't mean…I'm sorry." Yes, it was a genuine apology from Derek Shepard. He saw the defeat in Addison's eyes, those same eyes he had gotten lost in years ago, and he felt the switch to his hate turn off. She was right. He had what he wanted, and rubbing it in her face would do no good. He didn't want to upset her more than she already was. Despite popular belief, Derek did not enjoy breaking Addison's heart. He had once loved her more than life itself, and a part of him would always remain connected to her. He didn't want to ruin what little decency they had left with one another.
"It's ok Derek, really." She was doing it again. One look into those ocean blue eyes and Addison was falling all over again. She couldn't fathom why she kept wanting Derek. He clearly wasn't interested in her, and pining for a man that was visibly content with another woman was degrading and useless. Addison felt her depression turn to anger, and she sighed as she thought of all sleeping with Mark had cost her. If she had just said no to him Derek and her would still be together. Maybe they would even be making good on their plans for a family. One misjudgment on her part, and all of that was gone. Everything she had ever known was taken away. She was forced to start over, and that scared Addison more than she was willing to admit. She had always been Addison Montgomery Shepard. She didn't know who she was without Derek by her side. "She's crashing! Doctor Montgomery!" Addison turned around instantly, running towards a fellow doctor screaming to her from Janelle's room. She felt hot tears spring to her eyes as she grabbed two electric chargers and placed them on Janelle's chest. She felt the young girl's chest rise and fall underneath her, and she watched the monitors continue to flow in a straight green line. "Janelle, don't do this. Fight for you and your child!" Addison felt determination shoot through her veins as she charged and re-charged on Janelle's tiny frame. She finally stopped when two arms around her shoulders pulled her back.
"She's gone…", Alex Karev spoke to Addison, hating that he could not tell her the words she so desperately wanted to hear.
"No, I, she was fine before. I could have done…I…" Addison felt the tears forming and she couldn't hide from them this time. There was no ignoring the pain she was in. It wasn't just Janelle. It was everything. It was Mark and Derek and Meredith and just…everything! Addison felt like such a failure.
"Hey, it's fine. You did what you could", Alex was trying his best to comfort Addison, but he had never been an expert when it came to emotions. Women crying had always made Alex nervous. He hated seeing it. It was even worse when you cared for the person and although Alex still wasn't sure what he thought of Addison anymore, well, he didn't want to see her hurting.
"You're wrong. Let go of me Karev", the venom in her own voice even surprised Addison, but she refused to back down. She was mad at the world, and damnit, everyone was going to know.
"Addison…" , Alex tried again, not really wanting to leave her alone in the state she was in.
"It's Doctor Montgomery, and I said get off of me!" Addison jerked away from his grasp, not even caring that all the other doctors in the room were staring at the two of them. She was tired of trying to be something she wasn't. She couldn't pretend anymore. She wasn't ok. She didn't know if she ever would be again. "This was a mistake. You're a mistake Karev. Just, get out of my face…"
Alex frowned, taking a few steps back as everyone in the room stared at him. His eyes were only looking at Addison though. He realized she was going through the worst time of her life right now, but he could not suppress the anger that shot through him as she yelled at him, calling him a mistake to her. Alex was embarrassed, and that was the one thing in the world his pride couldn't stand for him to be.
"Fine, I'm gone! Derek was right to leave you!" Alex turned, storming out of the room in a fit of anger. Screw Addison Montgomery.
Addison watched him go, and inside she just cracked more and more. She felt her feet guiding her to a familiar source of comfort, and sobs racked her body as Mark Sloan held onto her tight.
"It's ok Addison", He spoke soothingly, stroking her dark auburn hair.
"Make me forget. Please." Addison looked up at him through her tears, begging for him to just make all of the heartache vanish once and for all. Mark could feel her breath on his cheeks and she was so close. He wanted her, there was no denying that, but not like this. He wasn't what she needed. "I can't make you forget Addison, I'm sorry." Addison pulled back from him, her eyes scorched with the effects of rejection. Even Mark didn't want her anymore. "Leave", Addison commanded through clenched teeth. Mark hesitated, but he knew that there was nothing more he could do for her. Addison had to fix this on her own. Only she knew what was truly broken inside.