Chapter 3- My Struggling Heart
RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGG!!
"Huh?!" I awoke abruptly and turned my attention to my clock. It's 7:30.
"Good morning, Japan! Today is Friday, the thirty-first day of the first month. We're going to be playing all your favorites all day. So call in, request the song, and we'll play what you want to hear," The radio announced. I rolled out of bed and sat up, rubbing my exhausted eyes. I turned off my radio and made my way towards the door. I stopped, noticing the poor teddy bear I had thrown on the floor. I thought about stepping on him but I changed my mind. I can't be mad at you, I thought to myself. It's not you fault that Yusuke and I aren't getting along. I took the bear in my arms and held him tightly. I sat him back on my bed and left the room to go eat breakfast in the dining room.
"I'm up!" I said as I walked into the living room.
"Keiko . . ." my parents said in unison. I nodded to them. I bent down onto my knees to sit at the table, across from my mother. My father sat at the head of the table.
"Happy 18th birthday," said my father as he gave me a plate. There was a huge selection of food to choose from. Cakes, rice, buns . . . I just took fruits and small pieces of bread and muffins.
"Are you feeling okay?" asked my mother, as she began to pour a cup of tea for me.
"Don't worry . . . I 'm fine," I replied, waving away her offer for tea.
"You seem a tad distracted," added my father. I tried to give them a positive smile.
"I'm good," I said. "May I be excused? I have to meet some people at the coffee shop." My father and mother nodded, understanding that I had to get ready to leave. I went to the bathroom so I could wash my face. I stepped in and immediately closed the door behind me. As I stood there, looking at myself in the mirror, I began to cry. Why am I crying? I asked myself. It can't be because of Yusuke . . . can it? Look, I thought to myself. Nothing happened that night. Nothing happened! Yusuke and I . . . we . . . we almost went to the point of no return. But . . . we didn't . . . How could I have been so stupid?! I slapped myself. He's not worth the tears. I wiped my face with my wash cloth and sat it back to it's original position. Alright! I'll be fine! I swiftly opened the door and returned to my bedroom. I quickly found my uniform and threw it on. I found my homework on my dresser and I packed it away. I emerged from my room and quickly walked to the door.
"Keiko! Don't forget this," said my father, passing my lunch to me.
"Thank you," I grabbed it and kissed him on the cheek. "Bye!" My father waved after me and I walked out of the door. I walked alone for a while. I, honestly, didn't want to meet my friends today. I continued to walk until I reached the coffee shop. I waited . . . and waited . . . and waited. Eternity after eternity. I stood there and thought to myself. I wonder if Yusuke will be at school today . . . What? Why do I even bother? He never comes to school now, I thought, frowning at myself. Why do I keep worrying about him . . .? I don't need to worry. He's just a stupid boy. The dumb ass can worry about him--
"Hey, Keiko-chan," came a soft and comforting voice, interrupting my thoughts. I turned around and saw a familiar red-haired friend.
"K--" I started, correcting myself, since we were in public, before continuing. "Suiichi-kun! Hi," I greeted him. "How are you?"
"I'm fine. But you shouldn't be asking me that question," said Kurama-san with a smile. "Today is your special day! Here," exclaimed Kurama-san as he handed me a medium-sized box with a red ribbon on it. I looked down at the gift and back up at Kurama-san. "Go ahead and open it," he smiled at me reassuringly. I excitedly tore at the ribbon. After removing the top, there laid a salt and pepper shaker that resembled baby foxes.
"How sweet . . . they're so cute," I held up one of them and smiled at it. "Thank you, Suiichi-kun!" I then put the precious fox back into the box.
"I'm glad you like it," said Kurama-san. "Are you meeting someone? Yusuke, perhaps?"
"No," I answered. "I'm waiting for some friends . . . But they're twenty minutes late and I'm starting to doubt that they're even coming," I said, my smile fading. "I guess I'll just head off to school."
"Classes at your school don't start until 8:30. It's 8:00 right now . . . I'll have some coffee with you."
"Well . . . all right," I smiled at him. Kurama-san led me to the door and opened it for me. "Thank you." We walked to the counter and made our orders.
"I'll take a double latté," I said, reaching into my book bag.
"Give me a . . . cappuccino, extra frothy," smiled Kurama-san. "Keiko-chan, I'll pay for everything. Don't worry about it." Kurama-san motioned for me to put my money away. I did so. We went over to a booth and sat down. We were going to have to wait about few minutes. Kurama-san sat across from me and smiled. "I'm glad you liked my gift. No offense or anything, but I always have trouble finding gifts for girls."
"Same here," I said. " I mean . . . for boys. Wait . . . I always have trouble getting gifts for boys!" I was nervous for some reason. I blushed.
"I understand what you're saying," said Kurama-san. There was silence for a moment until Kurama-san looked up and saw the waitress coming. I looked behind me and saw her coming as well. She sat teacups in front of both of us. "Thank you," he said as the waitress blushed at the attractive Kurama-san. After the waitress left, he and I started talking about my school work. He started talking about his classes and how much different college was from high school.
"That must be something," I said, sipping the hot liquid. Something about Kurama-san always made me feel happy. He was always so cordial to girls. He had amazing, green eyes and a kind-hearted nature. I couldn't help but smile at him. He was the complete opposite of Yusuke . . . taller and older too.
"Keiko-chan . . . Keiko-chan . . . ?" Kurama-san looked at me with a confused expression. I wasn't paying attention to him.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I must have spaced out," I giggled.
"I must be boring you, Keiko-chan." said Kurama-san. "Sorry about that. I get kind of lengthy sometimes. No more school talk, okay?"
"Yeah," I shrugged, continuing to drink my latté. Why am I so distracted today?
"Keiko-chan, is something bothering you?" he asked.
"Oh . . . there's just so much going on, ya know?" I answered. "With my birthday, the Ramen Shop, and my . . . school . . .work . . ." my voice trailed off. I was looking at the face that had been refusing to talk to me for a month. Yusuke walked by and stopped to look at a sign in the window. He continued to look at a sign on the window. Then . . . as if it just clicked, he looked past the words and . . . saw me. We stared at each other for God knows how long. I just looked at his beautiful face as his eyes seduced mine. Kurama-san saw us sharing glances and sat back in his chair. I knew Kurama-san saw us looking at each other. Remembering that I was with Kurama-san, not Yusuke, I averted my eyes suddenly and returned to my original position. Looking out of the corner of my eye, I saw Yusuke, reluctantly, turn and continue to walk down the street in his green uniform.
"What was that?" asked Kurama-san. "Is something going on?" He looked worried.
"Me and Yusuke . . . haven't been talking lately . . ." I responded. "It's been a little over a month now. We had a . . . a . . . "
". . . a fight . . .?"
"I guess you can call it that, " I replied.
"If you want to talk about it, I'll listen. It must have been serious if you aren't on speaking terms," he said, sipping his cappuccino. I thought about it and decided that perhaps I needed to talk to someone about my problems. I couldn't talk to my friends about it and I couldn't talk to my family about it either. If I had to talk to someone, it might as well be Kurama-san. I began my story by telling him how we had spent Christmas together, that we were getting really close that night. He nodded as he listened on. As I continued in my story, Kurama-san looked up and waved at someone, while paying attention to me at the same time. I turned around to see that it was Kuwabara-kun. He walked over to our booth and stopped in front of me.
"Hey Keiko-chan . . . Kura--," he paused for a moment fixing his mistake. "Minamino . . ." he nodded to both of us. Still standing, he asked, "What are you guys talking about?"
"Yusuke and Keiko-chan are having problems in they're relationship," Kurama-san replied. "Something happened between them. Now what were you saying . . .?"
"Well, we . . . I mean . . . I . . . no, he . . ." I hesitated. I mean I was talking to two guys about my personal life. It was kind of embarrassing. " We . . ."
" . . . Say no more, Keiko-chan. I see what's going on here . . .! He's gonna pay for this," yelled Kuwabara-kun behind gritted teeth. "I will get your justice, Keiko-chan!" With that he ran out of the shop, towards the school shouting "URAMESHI!!!". I blushed as he left. Kurama-san sat intently as he listened to me.
"Well, he couldn't say that he loved me," I concluded to Kurama-san without telling him too many of the details. "I felt so stupid . . ."
"I see. You told him how you felt . . ." I nodded. "And he didn't reciprocate. . . " I nodded again. "You felt insulted, taken advantage of . . ." Kurama-san assumed.
"Yes. Do you see now . . .? After that, he told me to leave and we haven't spoken since." Now that my story was finished, I looked down at my watch and saw that it was 8:25. I gasped at the sight of the time. Dammit! 8:25!? "I have to go . . ." I sipped up the last of my latté. "Thanks for everything , Suiichi-kun," I said, carrying my gift, racing out of the door. I ran down the sidewalk non-stop until I was at the school. I almost didn't make it. I sat in my seat and breathed a sigh of relief. The bell rang and the day began.
The day dragged on . . . I heard no words. I daydreamed about me and Yusuke and when we were still together . . . How much I hated him . . . how much I loved him . . . a part of me still wanted what I wished for . . . on Christmas night. Though I tried to shake my thoughts, it was impossible . . . a concept that my mind would not comprehend. I closed my eyes as my memories from Christmas flowed into my mind . . . our last . . . and perhaps worst night together. How his body felt against me . . . how he had kissed me so passionately . . . how his weight pressed down on me. Deep inside, I could still feel the sensation of our body heat rising . . . together. I blinked slowly, staring at the board. I turned my head towards window, trying to regain my senses.
"Keiko-chan . . ."
"Keiko-chan . . ."
"Keiko-chan . . . " came three different voices, calling to me. I looked from the window and saw my friends. It was Natsuko-chan . . . Sada-chan . . . and Kimi-chan. They were all staring down at me.
"Is something wrong, Keiko-chan?" Sada-chan asked.
"Oh? I'm just hungry," I lied.
"Well, it's lunch time and you've been sitting there for twenty minutes staring out of the window!" yelled Kimi-chan. I stood up and walked with them over to another part of the room. I looked at the desk and sat down. We began talking about boys, school, what our plans were for Valentine's Day. We laughed a lot. It was the most fun I had had all day. I barely thought of Yusuke and I enjoyed being with my friends.
After lunch, I went to my English class. I sat down in my seat in the front of the class. I was waiting for the class to begin, when I noticed that Yusuke was walking through the door. I looked at him as he stopped and looked at me. He . . . smiled. He moved toward his chair in the back of the room. I watched him as he strolled past my desk. I turned back around, facing the front of the room. The teacher walked in moments before the bell rang. Kuwabara came stumbling after him. He tripped over a desk before making it to his seat next to Yusuke. The class exploded with laughter as he staggered. It was kind of funny. The class started without ado. We had to take out our books and follow along with his reading. He babbled on and on . . . his words were empty to me . . .
"Sadly, the young woman clung tightly to the man who lie dying in her arms," read my teacher, looking up out of his book. "Please, do not speak, my love." He looked back down at the pages in front of him. "Save your strength," he continued. I listened to him as he neared the end of the chapter. "You must . . . live . . ." my teacher halted and looked up from his book, toward the back of the room. Yusuke and Kuwabara-kun were in the back arguing in loud whispers. I couldn't hear what they were saying. "YUSUKE . . . KAZUMA!!!" he shouted. "If you two continue to talk, I'll have to ask you two to leave." I looked at them in the back of the room and covered my mouth to stifle a laugh. The whole class started laughing at the two. Yusuke and Kuwabara-kun stopped talking and settled back in their chairs.
As the teacher continued to read, I began to daydream about me and Yusuke together again. How would I feel if we had . . . taken the last step? I would probably feel worse than I do now, I told myself in an attempt to be grateful. I should feel relieved that he didn't do anything to me . . . right? I asked myself. But it felt so good when he was on top of me . . . the way his hot lips kissed my skin. I wanted him . . . that night. And he wanted me too. I don't want to remember that night . . . but I can't just forget what happened between us. I sighed to myself. I mean, every girl may have a passing thought here and there about being with the man that their in love with. But . . . I have never felt like that towards Yusuke before . . . my body burning against his . . . wanting to take our relationship that far. I sighed again as the lasting impression of him and I naked under his sheets ran through my memories. His heat, his passion, his . . . love? I'm so stupid, loving someone who doesn't love me back. I'm daydreaming about a boy who tried to take advantage of me, I said to myself. But . . . he didn't. I gasped at the thought. What was he thinking . . .? What was I thinking!? He turned me away at the last possible moment. Is that love? Does he love me?
"KEIKO?" I heard a loud voice. I looked at my teacher. "What's with you kids and daydreaming? I asked you a question!" I widened my eyes at my teacher, throwing away the thoughts that came to me.
"Oh, I'm sorry," I apologized to him nervously. "What did you say, sir?" I reddened with embarrassment. He asked the question again. I stood up and I tried to answer him.
"If it weren't your birthday, I would deduct points. But . . . since it's your first offense, I'll let you off the hook," my teacher screeched. The bell rang and all of the kids jumped out of their seats and ran for the door. I stared down at my desk, my mind running wildly. I got up after everyone was gone. I walked out of the room. As I walked, I thought to myself again. Could I just be that stupid? That whole day was a mistake. I looked down, not paying attention to what was in front of me. Why . . . would he lead me so far just to say 'I can't'? I really wanted . . . Uf! I had bumped into someone.
"Oh . . . I'm sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going," I exclaimed. The person had grabbed my shoulders as if to catch me. A tender grasp on both shoulders was what I felt, squeezing ever so carefully. A familiar feeling . . . a feeling of security . . . came over me as I looked at the strong hands that clutched onto me. I looked up to see Yusuke's face gazing down at me.
"It's . . . okay. I wasn't . . . either," Yusuke said to me. I looked at his eyes as they pierced my soul. I wanted to kiss him, but my mind was racing too quickly. I turned my eyes from his and released myself from his hands.
"Thank you for . . . catching me." I looked at him for a moment, taking in the sweet expression on his handsome face. Why can't I stop thinking about you, Yusuke? I asked myself, almost as if I were still talking to him. Christmas night . . . leading me on like that . . . was that your plan . . . all along? I wanted to reach out and touch him . . . to caress him. I couldn't bare to look at him any longer, though I wished not to leave. Making up my mind, I walked around him. I need to get home, I said to myself. My heart was racing, my mind unfocused. Holding my book bag and Kurama-san's present to my chest, I bypassed everyone and headed for the doors.
When I got outside, I ran into my friends from lunch. "Hey guys . . ." I said to them.
"Hey Keiko-chan. We're gonna walk you home," they announced. I smiled at them and we were on our way. Suddenly I found myself, thinking about how they had left me alone at the coffee shop. In fact, they didn't even show up. I tried to just be there with them and forget about what happened that morning.
"Here, Keiko-chan," said Natsuko-chan. She handed me small gift. I looked at it carefully and shook it gently. They looked at me excitedly and nudged me on to open it. I ripped off the paper and opened the tiny box inside. It was a silver pendant that contained a picture of me and my friends.
"Oh my goodness . . . This is so precious." I lifted it out of it's niche and examined it. I opened the clasp and placed it around my neck.
"Sorry about this morning," Sada-chan apologized. "We had to go pick it up this morning."
"By the time we got back, we had to run to school," Kimi-chan said. My three friends smiled at me.
" . . . I love this," I said. "You guys . . . are so great." I hugged my friends and I could feel my eyes watering. Sada, Natsuko, and Kimi-chan walked me home and they all hugged me again before leaving me standing at my door. As my friends walked further away from me, my heart wondered back to the subject of Yusuke. As my precious pendant laid on my chest, I clutched it. I have my friends and that's enough, I thought. I don't need boys. They toy with your heart and they take everything away from you. Maybe it was a mistake . . . I thought. Maybe I'd be better off never knowing him . . .