It's this love that I most fear
Vienna Teng – My Medea
That morning Radek sounds the alarm contacting Carson, Elizabeth, Ronon, Teyla, and John after entering the lab to start work.
Carson says theirs nothing he can do, Elizabeth says they'll bury Rodney on the mainland, Teyla bows her head tears falling down her cheeks saying nothing, Ronon says that Rodney was a brave warrior and friend, and John punches the wall breaking three fingers before sinking to the ground against the wall his head hidden in his hands.
Rodney watches quietly from the back as his coffin is lowered into the ground of the small cemetery they had created there in the first year of their living in Atlantis. Sumner, Gall, Abrams, Hayes, Johnson, Dumais, and others resided here and now Rodney did as well. At first Rodney didn't fully understand why he was a ghost walking the halls of his former home but then he realized it was his love of John that binds him to the city and her people. It is that love which he fears; he fears it may never let him go.
No will to wake for this morn
To see another black rose born
Deathbed covered with snow
Nightwish – End of All Hope
Groaning John slowly turns over in bed cursing the suns of Atlantis pulling him from his state of utter nothing into the light of day. He had not wanted to wake knowing that the reality of Rodney's death would be once again real.
No one blames John for Rodney's death but he's knows that it is his fault. He refused to answer Rodney's question and know Rodney is dead. John checks out a jumper flying it towards the mainland. Rodney sits beside him laughing when John flies in less then a straight line zigzagging across the sky. He remembers how much John loved to tease him when he couldn't fly the puddle jumper in a straight line even after years of practice. He sets down the jumper a couple hundred yards from the cemetery walking the rest of the way.
He shivers pulling his jacket closer around him guarding against the cold in the air. John smiles as his boots crunch on the snow covered ground. He walks slowly through the small cemetery stopping for a second to salute the head stone of Sumner's grave showing the man the respect John should have given him when he was alive. He smiles sadly as he passes Peter Grodin's grave knowing in reality that its any empty box making Peter's death all the more tragic. Finally he arrives at Rodney's grave and he stops looking down in surprise.
Rodney stands behind him knowing John doesn't want to see the black rose born slowly from his deathbed. Ironic that John's favorite flower should mock him with the death of Rodney McKay. The black against the snow covered ground makes Johns stomach twist reminding him too much of the loose of his best friend.
It's hard for me to tell you I love youAs I'm standing over your grave
And I know I'll never hear your voice again
Why did you leave me?
Why couldn't you just stay?
1st Lady – Missing You
"God Rodney why did you do this," he asks the cold ground, "you didn't need to leave you should have stayed."
Rodney moves to stand next to his friend beside his grave looking at the face of his friend with concern.
"I did it John because I needed to, all I was doing here was causing you pain," Rodney answers even though John cant hear him, "I deserved this for ruining your life."
"Do you know how hard it is for me to be standing here above our grave Rodney knowing what an awful mistake I made that day. I should have told you then that day in the corridor," he smiles sadly wiping stray tears from his cheeks, "I'm going to miss hearing your voice everyday Mer."
Rodney cringed at the use of his first name then relaxed when he realized that John meant it as an endearment instead of a joke as he usually did. At that he smiled happy that at least one person would know his true name. He realized belatedly that John was speaking to his headstone again.
"I guess the reason I came Rodney was to tell you that the reason I didn't answer you that day in the hall was because I was scared. Long ago I finally understood that you would never return the feelings that I found floating around us. I turned to Ronon, god he wants to be with Teyla so bad but the same as me he never saw it happening. Together we found what little comfort we could. All that time and I never told you Rodney and I'm sorry I love you Mer and I always will."
Rodney smiled sadly knowing that John would be okay. Reaching up Rodney ghosts his hand over John's cheek, "I love you too John, take care of our team, our friends, and Atlantis," he says
Rodney turns walking into the golden light smiling at Peter as he heads into the unknown that is now his life. Standing in the snow John shivers but not because of the cold. On the wind he hears a voice that will haunt him for years to come. The soft voice of his beloved friend Rodney proclaiming his love. John sinks down sitting in the cold snow until he's lifted to his feet and taken home hours later by what's left of his team.
I just don't know what to do with myselfI can't stand looking at those pictures on my shelf
Knowing it was just one week ago
I stood there and took that picture
1st Lady – Missing You
Teyla and Ronon watch as John stares at the picture on his office wall. They had always been there but John now looks at them like he is seeing them for the very first time. His teammates know that he is in shock and they know why Ronon having explained it to Teyla the same night he told her of his love for her.
John can't believe it was only a week ago that he took the picture that he hates to look at but can't stop himself from looking at. Less than a week ago Rodney was alive and was walking around the city. The picture was one John took in it they had their arms around each other's shoulders. John is smiling and so is Rodney though John can read that sorrow buried in Rodney's bright blue eyes the sorrow he caused. In his own hazel eyes John can remember and still knows the fear that he held that day.
A thousand dreams I still believeI'll make you give them all to me
Celine Dion – I Surrender
John packs up Rodney's room knowing it is the least he can do since he caused Rodney's death. The room is small the same size as his own quarters but seems to hold three times as much stuff. John begins his long journey through the possessions of his best friend. He places papers in one box, ancient tech in one, clothes in another, and other personal stuff in the last. Cleaning every inch of the room he exhausts himself falling asleep on the empty cold bed.
He had dreamed of the day he would have told Rodney that he loved him. He imagined them one-day maybe after the stupid DADT rule was lifted getting married on the mainland or even in Canada on Earth. He had many dreams for the two of them and in his mind he still believes them. John knows even as he closes his eyes slipping into one of his dreams that none of them will ever happen.
John smiles at his friends as he walks down the corridor wondering vaguely about the light mist covering the bottom of the corridor. He stops letting his smile hit his eyes when he sees the person he has been searching for.
"This is only a dream," John says knowing he will soon wake up
"No John this is no dream it is your wish," Rodney answers back
"A thousand dreams and this is that one that comes true," John laughs shaking his head
"Don't worry John we have forever together now," Rodney laughs walking with John hand in hand into the light, "I'll make you give them all to me."