ACT 4
In her dreams she knew who she was. The kaleidoscope of names and faces and voices all made sense. They fit together perfectly, like pieces in a puzzle, forming a whole and complete picture that was her life.
And he was always there. The man with the silvery hair and the impish grin that she knew, somehow, was just for her. He teased her. He challenged her. He irritated her. He charmed her. And most importantly of all, he loved her. And she loved him, and as long as she knew this, everything was alright.
Until she woke up, and it all shattered into a million different fragments, none of which made sense. Except that she still knew he loved her. Whoever he was. And she missed him so much it almost hurt to think about it.
Just as it hurt to think about the child she no longer carried.
"Zetra said you must walk some more today. That it is good for you now." Arisha had come into the tent with a pitcher of water and set it down on the small table by Sam's cot. "I am to help you wash, and then we will walk."
It had been two days since Zetra had told her the truth and Sam had only left the tent when she'd had to use the facilities. Outside she could hear the continued preparations for the Relocation, but she no longer wanted to help. She no longer wanted to do anything except lay on the cot, her eyes turned to the blank tent-side mourning a life she could not remember and a life she would never know. Somehow the two had become one grief, and she could not separate them. It was easier to lay there than to try.
"I don't think I feel up to it," Sam murmured. "Maybe tomorrow."
"That is what you said yesterday," Arisha admonished. "And Zetra has made it an order. You are to walk or it will be my fault."
Sam rolled over and looked at the girl, trying to decide if what she was saying was really true. There was something different about Arisha…and Sam realized it was because the girl was looking at her directly, not with her usual averted gaze. And there was actually a twinkle dancing in her eyes. Sam couldn't help but smile.
"Well, I don't want you to get into trouble," she replied, with a weariness that was only partially feigned.
"Good," answered Arisha. "Here. It is chilly outside. You will want this when we walk."
She picked up Sam's own jacket and handed it to her.
"Now…shall I help you wash, or can you do it yourself?"
Sam looked at the pitcher of water and at the teenager standing there, her hands on her hips, challenging her.
Somewhere a memory stirred. Another girl, another confrontation, that look of barely controlled teenage exasperation.
It slipped away.
Damn it. She had almost had it. She looked at Arisha again, but nothing new came.
"I think I can manage," she told her, rolling into a sitting position.
Nodding, and with an air of self-satisfaction, Arisha left.
About ten minutes later Sam found herself standing outside. The day was gray and overcast. A rain the night before had taken down many of the leaves from the trees and the whole compound seemed a place transformed. Things were being packed up. Tents were coming down, their skeleton frames all that remained. The women were moving about with a sense of purpose but not haste. There was work to do, but time to do it in.
Sam took a deep breath and inhaled the smell of damp leaves and decaying grass. The frost had killed the smaller, weaker plants and the rain had matted them down to the ground. Already they were starting to return to the soil where they would become the foundation for next years growth.
Sam felt like those plants. Whatever life she had before was gone. Whoever she had been before was slipping away. She could try to keep grasping at it and destroy herself with the effort, or she could let it die and begin a new life.
Very soon, she knew, she would have to decide. She could not go on as she had been, in this limbo. If she could not discover who she had been, then she had to become someone new.
"Would you be up for a longer walk today?" Arisha had come up beside her. "I have done my chores for the day and will take you back to the temple where you were found, if you feel up to it."
Sam looked around. She saw no sign of Zetra or Malana.
"I thought it was too far."
Arisha shrugged.
"It is far, but not too far."
"Are you…are we permitted?"
Arisha smiled conspiratorially, no longer the shy girl she had been for the first few days.
"Sometimes I have found that it is easier to apologize than to ask for permission."
Sam smiled slightly and nodded.
"I think I could manage the walk."
"Good. We'll go this way."
The path was difficult to see at first, but before long Sam could pick it out among the trees and the undergrowth. Arisha seemed to know exactly where she was going; she didn't hesitate when the path forked in two different directions and without even breaking stride chose the path that went right. Doubtless she knew these trails well if she accompanied Malana and Zetra and the others on their plant gathering expeditions.
After a while the trees thinned out and they emerged into a field tall with yellowing grass. Arisha paused for a moment while Sam caught up to her.
"Are you all right?" she asked.
"Actually, I'm feeling much better, thanks," Sam replied. And it was true. Maybe it was the fresh air. Maybe it was the exercise. Maybe it was the thought that finally she was going to return to where this nightmare had all started and possibly get some answers. Whatever the reason, both her mood and her stamina were improving the farther along they went.
"We still have a ways to go. Let me know if you need to rest."
Sam assured her she would, but privately she doubted if she'd need to. The pull of the temple ruins was very strong. The sooner she got there, the better off she knew she would be.
They walked through the tall grasses for nearly as long as they had walked through the woods. This time Sam did have difficulty seeing the path, but Arisha was sure of her way. Eventually the grasses gave way to a more scrubby landscape and large irregularly shaped boulders began to appear. The terrain also began to slope upward. Even though the day was cool, Sam began to sweat as she followed Arisha up the gradual incline. Perhaps she was not as physically ready for this as she had thought. But she wouldn't stop now. She couldn't.
Before long Sam noticed that the rocks had been placed as steps into the steep hillside. Most of them were broken to some degree, but they were still useable and made the ascent much easier. Above she could see their destination: tall monoliths of more rocks silhouetted against the overcast sky. The ruins of the old temple.
The stone steps hugged the hillside and spiraled up. Arisha slowed her pace allowing Sam to catch up and when Sam was finally right behind her again, she stopped and pointed.
"This is the entrance. Beyond that is the inner circle of standing stones, and in the center, the great ring. That is where you were found."
A huge archway towered in front of them. At least at one time it had been an archway. Large chunks of the arch were missing, but enough remained to identify it. And engraved on either pillar were symbols that Sam could not understand but were yet somehow familiar. She ran her hand over them as if touching them might suddenly make them comprehensible. They remained inscrutable.
"Show me," she said to Arisha. The girl hesitated a moment and then nodded, stepping through the crumbling arch and walking toward the larger inner set of stones.
"Tell me about the Altera," said Sam as she followed her. "Did they build this temple?"
"We believe so. Those who study our history have told us that these ruins are tens of thousands of years old. They go back much farther than our memories of such things."
"Your people have no memory of the Altera then?"
She saw Arisha shake her head.
"No. We have only the Book of Altera. It was written over five thousand years ago and is based upon what has been translated from these stones and other repositories we have found scattered about our world."
"What's in the book?"
"It is filled with words of wisdom and guidance. It has been the foundation of our society for every generation since. The Sisterhood of Altera was established based upon the writings of the book and the Brothers of Altera likewise."
"The Brothers of Alter? Who are they?"
For the first time in their whole journey, Sam thought she saw a look of doubt cross Arisha's face.
"They are those who interpret and uphold the law. It was early members of the Brothers who first translated the knowledge of the Altera and used it to establish our rules and our way of life. Those who join the Brothers have devoted their lives to the law in the same way those who join the Sisterhood have devoted their lives to healing and caring for the sick and the dying. It is what the Altera have directed us to do."
"How do you know that?" asked Sam, unsure as to why Arisha's remarks should make her feel so skeptical. "I mean, did they get that specific in their writings?"
"I…I am uncertain. Very few people are able to translate the words of the Altera. Only the Brothers are taught it. We depend upon their interpretation, I guess."
"So how do you know it's accurate?"
Arisha looked mildly uncomfortable, but Sam couldn't help herself. For some reason these questions kept coming into her mind.
"Why wouldn't it be?"
Sam shrugged.
"I don't know…maybe because it gives the Brothers control over everything. If everyone could read the writing, then they wouldn't have the final word on what it said. Other people would be able to offer an opinion on the meaning. They'd lose their power."
"But the Brothers do not seek power. They only establish the law."
"My experience has been that the ones who make the laws are the ones with the power, whether they admit to it or not."
Arisha stopped dead and looked at her.
"How do you know that?" she asked.
Sam realized what she had just said. It came from…where? She didn't know. What she did know, however, was that it was true.
"Part of me remembers that. Don't ask me how. I just do."
Arisha studied her a moment and then turned back to the walkway.
"We are almost there," she said, effectively closing that discussion.
The stones here were huge. Great slabs raised up on end, looming over Sam like giant solid shadows.
She thought she'd try a different tactic with Arisha.
"Why are you doing this?" she asked.
Arisha did not look at her.
"Doing what?"
"Helping me. Being nice to me. A few days ago you wouldn't even look me in the eye, let alone help me come back here. Why now?"
Arisha stopped again and turned to Sam. She had an odd expression on her face, a look of a wisdom beyond her years that reminded Sam again of that other girl she thought she knew.
"Because you're not at all like I thought you'd be."
That puzzled Sam. She frowned.
"How did you think I would be?" she asked.
"Evil," said a voice from her left. Sam whirled and saw Zetra step out of the shadow of the nearest stone, her hands clasped behind your back.
"She thought you would be evil," she repeated, coming to stand next to Arisha. The girl did not look surprised to see the woman and Sam had a sinking feeling that perhaps this whole journey had been a trap of some kind.
"Evil? Why?"
"Because that is what we have been taught. That anyone who looks as you do is to be hated and feared, and therefore destroyed long before they can inflict their evil ways upon our world."
Okay. This was not looking good. Sam backed away a little. She had an urge to reach for a weapon, but she had not brought any with her. It had been a small hike, for crying out loud.
"What does how I look have to do with anything?" she asked, glancing about to see if there was an easy exit in any direction. Her slinged arm would make her escape more difficult, but she would have to try, nonetheless.
"It is your eyes. They are blue," Zetra said simply.
"Blue?" replied Sam, uncertainly. "So…what's wrong with blue."
"The Book of Altera tells us that according to the writings on these stones, the people with the strange eyes are to be feared because they will ultimately bring destruction to our world. It calls upon us to rid the world of the strange-eyed ones so that we may know neither fear nor death at their hands," explained Zetra further. Except Sam didn't think it was really much of an explanation.
"And blue eyes are…strange?" asked Sam, still sizing up her escape route. Zetra inclined her head once.
"Our people have eyes the color of mud. Once in a rare while a child is born with blue eyes; and over the generations Castouts have become even more rare."
"Castouts?" repeated Sam.
"It is what we call those who have been cursed with blue eyes," spoke up Arisha. "Because that is what happens to them."
"They are…cast out?"
Zetra and Arisha exchanged a glance. An unspoken comment seemed to pass between them.
"They are brought here, where the blue water claims them."
Alarms began to ring in Sam's head. She took a step back. Injured arm or no, she would do whatever it took when they made their move.
"The blue water?" If she kept them talking she might improve her chances.
"From the great ring," explained Zetra. "The one which you were found near. Which was why, we assumed, you had been brought here, although we do not know how you have survived this long. Most Castouts are brought here as infants."
"You think I was brought here by…"
"…by the Brothers," supplied Zetra.
"By the Brothers," continued Sam. "To be…what?…executed?" Sam was incredulous. The whole scenario was unfathomably horrible.
"Not at first. We did not know you were a Castout until you regained consciousness. But then it began to make sense. Except, somehow, you must have escaped the blue water. It is the only explanation."
Sam gave a bitter laugh.
"So…what? You're going to try it again…make sure I'm really dead this time?"
Zetra and Arisha exchanged another look.
"No," Zetra said finally. "We…Arisha and I…have decided to help you try to remember who you are and where you come from, so that you may return there. You are not safe here, and if you remain, the Brothers may return for you."
Sam was leery. Sometimes help was offered a little too easily.
"Why would you do this—why would you go against everything your law says?" she asked, suspiciously, carefully watching the two women. Arisha looked uncomfortable and stared at the ground. But Zetra met her eyes.
"Because. As Arisha has said, you are not as we thought you would be. The Brothers have always taught that the Castouts, if they grew to adulthood, would be the personification of evil. That they would devour us in our sleep and cull our people like a wonkat culls the young offspring of our dobai herds. But unless I am gravely mistaken—and I do not think I am—there is nothing whatsoever that is evil about you. Whoever you are and however you have lived, you are in most ways no different than us. And so I have begun to question the teaching of the Brothers in this regard. I will not turn you over to them. I cannot."
Arisha looked up finally and nodded her agreement. Sam looked at the two of them, weighing how much of what Zetra had said she was willing to believe. But there was genuine sincerity in her face, and in Arisha's face as well. Sam allowed herself to stand down slightly. Perhaps they were no threat to her after all.
"I still want to see where I was found," she told them, deciding to reserve her final judgment for now. She wanted to see what they had planned next. Zetra pointed between the two nearest standing stones that were crossed by a large stone lintel.
"We will show you, if you still wish to trust us. I give you my word, Samantha Carter. We have not brought you here for any reason other than to help you."
At this point there was little else to do but go forward. The answers, whatever they were, lay ahead, not behind. Sam gave a curt nod and Zetra and Arisha began walking in the direction they had pointed. Taking a deep breath and preparing herself for whatever awaited her there, Sam followed.
o-o-o-o
Half-asleep the sound of a running shower brought a half-smile to Jack's face. Sam had beaten him to the hot water again. She didn't skimp on showers either, when she had the time. Maybe he'd get in there and share a little of the heat with her before the tank emptied out and he was left with nothing but the cold tap. Maybe that wasn't all he'd share, while he was in there. Or else maybe a cold shower would do him some good after all.
The half-smile broadened at the thought.
Then he woke up. All the way up.
The running water wasn't coming from the master bath; it was the guest bath down the hall.
Daniel. His unwanted houseguest.
The guy really couldn't take a hint. Well, actually, he could. He just chose to ignore the hint because he was…well, he was Daniel. And he was on mission. And Daniel would see most missions through to their bitter end.
Jack threw his arm over his eyes and squeezed them shut. For a few glorious moments he had thought it was Sam. If only for an instant, everything that had happened over the past ten days hadn't. She was home. She was his. Life was good.
He couldn't imagine life ever being good again.
Not without her. Not now.
The water shut off down the hall and he heard the low hum of Daniel's razor. Maybe if he stayed in here Daniel would give up and go away.
Not likely.
He'd just have to face him. Let him do whatever it was he had promised Sam he would do and then maybe he would leave. Go away. Scram. Vamoose.
A guy could hope.
o-o-o-o
"I, uh, didn't notice any Fruit Loops in your cupboard," said Daniel as he poured a glass of orange juice and sat down at the table across from Jack. "In fact, I didn't notice much food at all. There was a box of Pop-Tarts, but I think they expired about a month ago."
"Funny," replied Jack as he reached for the carton of juice and poured himself a glass. "Shopping hasn't been a real high priority these past few weeks."
"No. I guess not."
Jack let the silence hang between them. He still held out hope that maybe Daniel would give up and go away. But it was a very slim hope.
"So…is there anything I can do to help?" Daniel asked finally, breaking the awkwardness. "I mean, if you need groceries, or some errands or…."
Jack interrupted.
"Daniel…just…just do whatever it is you came here to do and get it over with, okay? And if you really want to help, you can get the hell out of here."
Daniel settled the glasses more comfortably on his nose and stared balefully at Jack. God, he hated that look. He hated being the recipient of that look. It had pity written all over it.
"I came here to listen to you, Jack. Because Sam told me to. But I can't listen if you don't talk."
"Oh for God's sake, Daniel, haven't you figured it out by now? I don't want to talk! The talking thing…it's not what I do! It's not how I deal with things."
"I know," replied Daniel quietly. "I remember."
Jack stared at him. Comprehending.
"You think I'm going to blow my brains out, don't you? Like last time."
Daniel's lips pursed and his eyebrows arched. A sure indicator that he was about to say something he didn't want to.
"Well, actually…now that you mention it…yes."
A deep sigh escaped from Jack as he sank into the kitchen chair.
"Is that what she thought too? That if something happened to her I'd try to kill myself?"
Daniel shook his head.
"No—I mean, I don't know—I don't think so. She never said anything about it. She was just worried that you'd blame yourself in some way, go to that deep place inside of you that you retreat to when you're in pain. Like when I died—ascended—she said."
"Oh. That."
"Yeah," said Daniel, pushing his glasses up on his nose. "That. But Sam wasn't with you on Abydos the first time, so I don't think she ever really understood what you were like then. I was. And I do. And I'm not going to stand by and let you go through that again. Not if I can help it."
Jack was silent. Those feelings on Abydos were a long time ago. And he thought he'd left them there. Until he'd had to kill Sam with a double zat in order to destroy the entity that had possessed her. If she had died then, at his hand…but she hadn't. And the guilt eventually went away, and he was okay.
So he knew what those feelings were like. And although he ached over Sam, though he felt like a part of him had been amputated and that the sun would never shine and the world would never have any beauty and his heart would never weigh less than a ton again, those feelings weren't there. And he didn't think they ever would be, no matter how long the nights or how empty the days.
That had been her gift to him. That as absolutely unworthy as he felt, she had loved him, in spite of it. And if she had found something in him worthy of her love, then he wasn't about to go throwing that love away by throwing his life away. He owed her that at the very least.
"You can stop worrying, Daniel. I have no intention of killing myself," he finally said, a bit wearily.
"Yeah…like I said. I was there on Abydos, Jack."
Jack shook his head.
"This is completely different. I'm completely different. I swear to you Daniel. I'll be okay."
He could see Daniel was sizing him up, weighing his words, trying to tell if he were bluffing or not. After what seemed like a good long while his friend gave his head a nod and set the empty orange juice glass down on the table.
"Fine, then. I guess my work here is done."
He pushed the chair back and stood up, side stepping the table on his way toward the door to the hall.
"How're you doing?" Jack asked suddenly. Daniel had to be hurting too. He and Sam had been thick as thieves at times. In its own way, this had to be as hard for Daniel as it was for him. He wished he hadn't just realized that.
When Daniel stopped cold and cleared his throat nervously, Jack knew he was right.
"I'll miss her," he said plainly, looking directly at Jack. "I'll miss her a lot. She was…." he struggled to find a voice that didn't have a quaver in it. "She was smart and beautiful and funny and brave…and she was my friend."
"She loved you a lot, Daniel," Jack told him. "Like a brother."
Daniel was suddenly studying the tile floor very intently.
"I never had any brothers or sisters. and when my parents were killed…. well, family has never been my strongest suite." He gave a sad smile. "That's why you and Teal'c and Sam…."
He couldn't finish and Jack did him the courtesy of finding his glass of orange juice particularly fascinating at that moment. Finally Daniel recovered.
"Anyway…," he said at last.
"Yeah," Jack answered, still gazing intently at the bits of pulp on the rim of the glass.
"I'll just get my stuff and head back. You'll let me know what…."
"You'll be the first. Well. Maybe the second. I have to tell Cassie."
"Yeah. I…I understand."
He was almost to the front door when Jack called after him.
"Daniel…."
He was back in the kitchen in a heartbeat. Jack finally looked up from the glass.
"Thanks."
A ghost of a smile passed over Daniel's lips.
"Any time," he replied and then was gone.
Jack sat contemplating the orange juice glass for several more minutes, refusing to acknowledge how absolutely silent the house was now that Daniel was gone.
Finally he reached for the phone and began to call Cassie's number.
o-o-o-o
"Where's Colonel Sheppard?"
At the sound of his name Sheppard turned around and saw Major Lorne taking the gateroom stairs two at a time. There was a flash as the wormhole closed behind the last of his team to come through.
"Whatcha got?" asked Sheppard, hurrying over. Lorne's excitement was palpable. He'd been leading the wildcard team that was searching for Carter, and knowing Lorne, he wouldn't be acting this way if he hadn't found something important.
"Our first try today…we sent a MALP through," Lorne was breathing hard and talking fast. "No DHD. So we re-dialed…took a portable DHD with us to manually dial back so we could retrieve the MALP. There were a bunch of ruins. And look what we found in the bushes near by."
He held out his hand and in it was a GDO. The label affixed to the back read: "Carter".
Sheppard found he'd been holding his breath. He let it out.
"Any sign…." he wasn't sure where to go next. No DHD would certainly explain why she hadn't simply dialed home. But then a whole lot of other things could explain it as well. He wasn't going start celebrating yet.
Lorne was shaking his head.
"No. We tried reaching her on the radio, but there was no response. There was…." he hesitated, and took a big gulp.
"There was what?"
The Major's face was not a happy one.
"There are a lot of these huge stones right around the gate. Part of some ruins, maybe…I don't know. It reminds me of Stonehenge. Anyway…we found one that had stains on it and on the ground around it. I couldn't swear for sure, but we all pretty much agreed it looked like dried blood. And there was a lot of it."
Sheppard had already steeled himself when Lorne had hesitated the first time. He decided holding off on the celebration had been a good thing after all.
"But no body?"
Lorne shook his head.
"No body. At least not that we could see. Which doesn't mean…."
"I know," John cut him off. He turned Carter's GDO over in his hand. At least they'd found where she had gone. Or at least where part of her had gone. He didn't even want to think of the ramifications of that. Still. The entire Pegasus galaxy had now been narrowed down to a single planet. And compared to a galaxy, a planet was a piece of cake.
"I want a plan for a full search and rescue, including a contingency if we encounter hostiles on the planet," he decided. "Take Teyla, Ronan and McKay with you."
Lorne shook his head.
"It's going to be dark there inside of two hours. I don't think we should send our people in until it's morning there."
Damn. Another delay. But Lorne was right. It was the most prudent thing to do.
"Fine. Work on the plan. Be ready to go at first light. I'll contact the Daedelus and see if they can get there any sooner. At the very least they can help with the search. Colonel Carter should still have a subcutaneous transmitter."
Lorne nodded and then indicating that his team should follow him, headed off to stow their gear and get working.
Sheppard didn't know whether to feel relieved or not. Where there was uncertainty there was always hope. In a few hours they would know whether there was grounds for that hope or not. They would have their answer, one way or another. He considered dialing earth and reporting to the SGC so they could notify General O'Neill, but decided against it. There was really no point until they knew something for certain. And that wouldn't be…he checked his watch…oh yeah. Not for another twelve hours, at least.
John knew it was going to be twelve of the longest hours of his life.
o-o-o-o
Sam stared at the great stone ring and the first thing that came to her mind was: there's no DHD.
She even said it aloud.
"What is a 'Dee-aich-dee"?" asked Zetra, who was standing to her right.
Sam turned to her.
"It's the Dial Home Device. It's what activates the Stargate and sends the wormhole to the desired address."
She could feel both women staring at her, even though she was only looking at Zetra. Only then did she realize what she had said. And what it meant.
"I…I remember it…." she said hesitantly, a slight grin growing on her face. "I remember what this is! We call it a Stargate. It's an alien device that demolecularizes something at this end, sends it through a wormhole to a stargate at another location and rematerializes it there. We use it to travel from planet to planet."
"You…you came through the stone ring?" asked Zetra, incredulously.
Sam nodded vigorously.
"Yes! The DHD is used to turn the gate on, I suppose you could say, and tell it where to connect to. It creates an enormous blue wave that bursts out of the ring, but then it settles back into what we call an event horizon. It looks just like a giant puddle of blue water across the inside of the ring. But you can step through it, and a few seconds later, you're somewhere else. It was built by the Ancients—the Alt…" she hesitated a moment, things suddenly becoming very clear. "The Alterans," she said comprehendingly.
"You mean the Altera," corrected Arisha.
"They called themselves Aterans," Sam explained. "But I'm sure they are the same. Sometimes names get corrupted over time. At least that's what Daniel tells me."
"Daniel?" Zetra this time.
A warmth flooded through Sam, as if she were suddenly bathed in sunlight, even though the sky remained determinedly gray. It was all there. She remembered everything. Daniel. The Stargate. The SGC. Earth. Her father. Her friends. Her…Jack.
Oh God! Jack! How long had she been here? What must he be going through? She looked at her watch and suddenly all the data on it meant something. Two weeks. Fourteen days since she'd gone with John Sheppard and his team to try to persuade the Nedians to relocate through the gate. Ships had come. Replicator ships, firing at them. She'd sent everyone ahead, holding the gate open until Sheppard was through. And then she'd dived through herself.
How had she ended up here?
The only thing that came to mind was that the wormhole must have jumped. Probably it was hit by one of the blasts from the attacking ships. Just like the time it sent them to the Antarctic gate. No wonder no one had come searching for her. They'd have had no idea where to begin to look.
And without a DHD she had no way to get back.
The joy of remembering was dampened by her sudden understanding of her situation. She was stranded here. And back home Jack, she was sure, was told she was dead. Or at the very least, MIA. It didn't matter, she knew. For Jack they were one in the same.
Sam sank down on a nearby boulder and let everything settle on her. She could feel Arisha and Zetra nearby, but they stayed a discreet distance from her, as if offering her the privacy she thought she needed to sort through her emotions.
Oh, God. Jack. The baby. Their baby. Now she remembered. It was her first leave from Atlantis, after giving up two previous opportunities to come home. Jack had been furious at her, she knew, but had let her make the call to stay. But not the third time. It had come up unexpectedly, and Jack had insisted. Not like she'd needed any persuading. By then she was missing him so badly the pain of not seeing him was almost physical.
They'd barely made it home. And certainly not up the stairs. The creaking floor boards in the living room had been annoying, but they'd laughed about it afterwards, wrapped around each other, exhausted. Certain pharmaceuticals hadn't been in the last supply shipment to Atlantis, so she'd gone without, not expecting to make it home for awhile. She hadn't given it any thought until later; and back into the swing of things in Atlantis, she'd been too busy to even notice.
If only she'd known….
No. It wouldn't have changed anything. She'd have gone on the mission anyway. The results would have been the same, knowing or not. It was simply not meant to be.
She knew instantly she could never tell Jack. He tried not to be protective of her—to let her go and do what she needed to do. He trusted her skill and respected her ability, no matter what she came up against. But she knew it was the biggest burden he carried, this man whose first instinct was to protect—to save from harm, no matter what his personal cost. And it would be a double blow to him, because she knew he would somehow feel that he had failed to protect her and their child, just as he felt he had failed to protect his son all those years ago.
She couldn't think of what it would do to him.
She would have to keep this to herself, when she made it back.
If she made it back.
The stark reality of this thought yanked her back to the matter at hand. Arisha and Zetra were watching her, but still keeping away. Waiting, until she was ready to talk with them again.
"I need to get home," she told them plainly. Glancing at one another, the came to where she sat. "I have to get back to where I belong. I am from a different world. I can't stay here."
"You said you needed…something. A 'dee-aich..?" asked Zetra.
Sam picked up a nearby stick. The light was fading in a day that had been stingy with it in the first place. She motioned the two women closer.
"A DHD. It looks something like this." She sketched the circular shape in the dry dirt at her feet. "It has markings on it here." Sam indicated the various wedged shapes that ringed the device. "And this center part is red." She pointed at the circle in the center. "Now—you said that the Brothers…" the whole idea made her shudder with repulsion. "The Brothers…get rid of the blue eyed children by sending them back to the blue water that they come from." Both women nodded. "That sounds an awful lot like what we call the Kawoosh that happens when the Stargate is activated. It…well, it disintegrates anything that stands in its way. I've seen it kill several people who were unlucky enough to be standing too close to it." Yeah. Some memories she could have done without.
"If it works as you say, then you may be right. I have not actually seen this…blue water. But Malana has. She might be able to tell you better than I," said Zetra.
"But to make it work, you have to have the DHD," replied Sam, tapping the picture in the dirt with her stick.
"It is the Altar of Exile," said a voice from behind them. Sam jumped to her feet and turned to face the speaker. From behind one of the tallest standing stones a shadow emerged and stopped. The light was fading fast now, but Sam recognized both the shape and the voice.
It was Malana.
She heard Zetra sigh with relief.
"Malana…you have given us a fright. Come. Perhaps you can shed some light on this. Sam has regained her memory and believes she might be able to return to her home."
Malana did not move, and a tingly feeling began to race along Sam's spine. She did not like this one bit.
"I am sorry, Zetra." And Sam did detect a note of genuine sorrow in Malana's tone. "But it had to be done. I know you wished to protect her, but we could not take the risk. Had anyone outside the sisterhood discovered her, they would have banished us—or worse. She may be from a different world, or she may simply be a Castout who has survived by weaving a tale of deceit and treachery wherever she goes. It doesn't matter now. I have been to the Brothers and they are coming for her. Leave with me now and they will lay no blame upon you."
"Malana…no…." The betrayal on Zetra's face was evident. Sam wondered how she had doubted the woman's sincerity when the had first arrived at the temple. "We can protect her…we can save her. She doesn't belong here…she's not one of us."
"Look," said Sam, intervening. What Zetra had told her was beginning to make sense now. "You said that the Alterans—the Altera—wrote about the ones with the strange eyes bringing death to your people, right? And you said they would cull them like…?"
"Like a wonkat culls our dobai herds," provided Arisha.
"What is that—like an animal—a predator?"
Arisha nodded. Sam turned back to Malana.
"There is a race in this galaxy—the Wraith—who did battle thousands of years ago with the Alterans—the Altera, to you. They go from world to world, culling humans like us to feed upon. And they have eyes that are—well, they aren't like human eyes at all. They are…strange, just like the Alterans wrote. It is the Wraith who the Alterans were afraid of—who they were warning of—not people whose eyes are simply a different color. Trust me—if you'd ever seen a Wraith, you would understand what they meant."
"If they go from world to world, why have we never seen one, then?" challenged Malana. "Why has our world been safe from the death and the culling, if it is not the Castouts we should have been afraid of?"
Sam shook her head.
"I don't know. We're kind of new to this part of your galaxy—it's much farther away than where we've encountered the Wraith in the past. Maybe they don't know you're even here. But believe me, they are the ones the Alterans were warning about."
"Listen to her, Malana. I believe she is telling the truth," pleaded Zetra, taking a step closer to her friend. But Malana took a step back
"You have always been a doubter, Zetra. Too much science and not enough faith." She was a mere shadow now. Twilight had come quickly. "Don't you understand…I am doing this for you and for the Sisterhood—our work is too important to let this one woman be our downfall. Leave with me now—please!"
Zetra froze where she was, and Sam saw her square her shoulders.
"I cannot. I believe her, and I will persuade the Brothers that her words are the truth."
Sam appreciated the gesture, but she had a sinking feeling that the Brothers weren't going to be swayed by her story any more than Malana was. Millenia of doctrine did not go down the drain because one person claimed she was from another world.
"Zetra…you can't," said Sam quietly. "Take Arisha and go. I'll be okay. But you need to get out of here. I won't have you suffer on my account. Either of you." She looked at Arisha whose wide eyes showed her fear all too plainly, even in the gathering dark.
Voices echoed off the stones, and bobbing up the hill were distant lights.
"Zetra—go! Please!" pleaded Sam. "For Arisha." Zetra's eyes met hers and Sam could see the woman's internal battle in them. Finally she let out a loud sigh.
"Arisha, come."
"No!" objected the girl. "This isn't right. You know it isn't right, Zetra!"
Sam put a hand on her arm.
"I'll be okay, Arisha. Maybe they'll listen to me. You did."
"Come—now!" Zetra's voice was more commanding this time. She grabbed Arisha by the other arm and pulled her over to where Malana was quickly becoming indistinguishable from the black shape of the tall stone. Stumbling on the uneven ground and pulled off-balance, Arisha half ran, half fell after Zetra and disappeared into the shadows as well.
Sam found herself alone.
She supposed she could run—try to hide. But she was in a strange place, in the dark and without any sense of direction or anything to guide her. Not even the stars. It would be a foolish strategy. Although she hadn't really believed it when she said it, convincing the Brothers of the truth of her story seemed the most prudent option at the moment.
The voices were getting louder; she could see the lights dancing in and out of the frames created by the pairs of standing stones as the path led the Brothers toward her in a circular route.
Maybe if they found her sitting here, patiently waiting for them, they would at least give her a chance to tell her story before they killed her.
Returning to the boulder, she sat down to wait.
And to tell herself, over and over again, that she was not afraid.