Thank you for all your wonderful reviews and encouragement…much appreciated.

This is a long chapter and the next one (the final one) is short. I couldn't split it any other way.

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Roberts Residence
1545

AJ had warmed to his mother's new image. He had taken the colour of her clothes and the smile on her face into account but it wasn't until she put him down for a nap and sang 'Rock-a-bye Baby' he knew who she truly was. It had been his favourite lullaby but Harriet hadn't sung it since the day Sarah died.

"Love you mommy," were AJ's last words as he drifted off to sleep.

The afternoon tea was informal and when Mac was busy chatting to the Admiral, Harm slipped into Bud and Harriet's bedroom and read the letter. As he did, tears fell unrestrained down onto the paper he held. He was so engrossed in the letter he didn't hear Bud come in.

"Sir, sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here," Bud apologised.

"No, I'm sorry Bud, I should have asked," Harm said wiping away his tears.

"Anything I can do?" Bud asked, gesturing towards the paper in Harm's hand.

Harm knew it was a private and intimate communication between Mac and her namesake but he also had to know whether there was any truth in it.

"This stays between us, Bud, alright?" Harm said, handing over the letter.

"Yes sir," replied Bud before he began reading it. He unfolded the page and read the words addressed to his daughter. Tears pooled in his eyes but none fell.

"I never knew, sir," he said quietly as he folded the paper and handed it back.

"Neither did I, Bud. I have to ask though, is Mac right in any of what she has said? Should she feel guilty?"

"No sir, not at all. I'll tell her myself if that'll help or Harriet can." Bud headed towards the door.

"No, Bud, I'll do it." Harm stood and departed.

Harm's Apartment
1856

On the trip back from the Roberts, Harm had been trying to figure out a way to broach the subject with Mac and hadn't been successful. When she pulled up out the front of his apartment he knew his time was up.

"Come on up, Mac," he said getting out of her car.

"No, I won't, thanks anyway. There's stuff I need to do at home."

Harm made his way around to her door and opened it. "It wasn't a question, Mac."

"Harm, I just said…" Mac watched him as he reached in and turned off the ignition before removing the keys.

"Come on up."

With no option, Mac followed him up to his apartment and refused his offer of a drink.

"Harm, I really need to go," she said, unsure as to what he was up to.

"I need you to talk to me." Harm said, locking the door behind him.

"About what?" Mac asked flatly.

"About this," he said producing the letter from his jacket pocket.

"What is it?" asked Mac, stepping closer, not recognising the tattered envelope.

"It's a letter," Harm replied quietly.

"From whom?" Mac's confusion danced across her face.

"From you," Harm replied quietly.

"When did I write you a letter?" Mac asked coming closer still.

Harm handed her the letter and the moment Mac unfolded the page she knew what it was.

"How…How did you get this?" Mac stammered, recoiling.

"It's not important," Harm answered closing the gap between them again.

"It is so. How did you get it? Did you read it? Did you?" Mac was panicked.

"I got it from Tim Hudson who called at your apartment this morning; he was very worried about you." Harm informed her, the look of panic on her face turned to fear.

"There's nothing to worry about," she lied.

"I think there is, Mac. That is a very worrying letter." Mac tried to push the letter into her pocket but Harm grabbed it back.

"We're going to talk about it," he said.

"No, we're not. I'm outta here!" Mac yelled.

"You're not going anywhere," Harm said calmly, putting her keys into his pocket.

"You can't make me stay," she yelled again.

"I'm not making you stay, you are free to go," Harm said.

"Good!" Mac retorted, her voice not quite back to its normal volume.

"After we talk." Harm sat down on the floor and leant against the door.

"I've nothing to say." Mac walked away and sought refuge in the only other room in his apartment, his bedroom. She lay on his bed and cried into his pillow. Harm gave her some time before going in and sitting down in front of her. He tenderly stroked her hair.

"Mac," he started but she turned away from him. Not dissuaded he moved across to the other side of the bed and lay beside her. Mac went to move again but he caught her and held her close to him. "Not this time, Mac. We're going to deal with this."

"There's nothing to deal with," Mac said, although it was muffled by his shirt.

"You don't think?" Harm held her tightly with one arm while holding the letter with the other. "Let me read it to you."

"No! Don't! Please…" she begged, grabbing at his arm.

But Harm began anyway:

Darling Baby Sarah,

I can't believe it's nearly a year since you came into our lives. I expected you to be around forever but you were just here on a brief visit. You may not be here in body but you have never really left, I hold you in my heart, just as your parents do.

There are so many things I want to say to you, so many, many things. But it all comes down to this; Sarah Roberts, when your mom and dad asked about naming you, their little girl, after me I was touched. I love and respect your parents so much and for them to bestow this on me was a huge honour. It would mean I always had a part in your life, in your family's life, and as I have no family of my own it meant more than you could possibly imagine.

When you passed by so quickly I felt such sorrow and regret for all the 'what might have been's'. Your beautiful brother, AJ, is my godson and I love him dearly, just as I would have loved you, I had imagined us spending holidays together, days out to the zoo, sleepovers. All those special moments, the things I had missed out on as a child, I was hoping to share with you and AJ.

As this year passes I find myself thinking of you more and more often. They say time heals all wounds but I think in this case it's tearing them wide open. I can't help but feel this is all my fault. I try to rationalise it but I can't. It's my fault you're dead and no one seems to understand.

I know you are probably wondering how this is so. It's quite simple really. Your parents named you after me. While the name Sarah is a nice one and there are lots of wonderful Sarah's around, your parents named you after me – Sarah MacKenzie. My life has been one whole negative. My childhood was bad, my adolescence worse. The men in my life have …I wont go there but they haven't exactly been a positive in my life. Now I'm in my 30's, no family, no friends, nothing. I'm … nothing!

I feel so unbelievably guilty, so absolutely terrible inside. If your parents had named you anything else, after anyone else, then this fate wouldn't have befallen you. But they named you after me and you suffered paid the price. God, I'm sorry! Your parents are too wonderful to say anything but I 'm sure they regret their choice. I wouldn't be surprised if they blamed or hated me because of it but it wouldn't come close to how much I blame and hate myself.

Little one, I am so very, very sorry,
I will love you always
Sarah MacKenzie xoxo

Harm dropped the letter to the bed and reached down to wipe away Mac's tears.

"Why didn't you talk to me?" he said quietly.

"And said what?" Mac sniffled.

"And said exactly what you said to the baby." He held onto her with both arms, scared she would run.

"You wouldn't have understood." Mac shook her head, her tears splashing onto his shirt.

"Maybe not," he said, kissing her head, "but I could have helped you."

"How?" Mac finally looked up, surprised to find his deep blue eyes swimming in pools of his own tears.

"I could have held you and I could have wiped away your tears," he whispered as he brushed hers from her cheeks with his thumb. "And I could have told you how much Bud and Harriet love you and why they wanted to name their little girl after such an amazing person. I could have reminded you about all the good things you have done with your life and how that baby was so lucky to be named after you," Harm said tenderly.

"She never stood a chance being named after me. She got all the …the…" Mac started.

"She got all the chances in the world," Harm finished. "Mac, Sarah's death was a tragedy but it would have happened if she was named Mary or Sally or Betty. That little girl was never destined to stay and nothing about you or your life or your name had any bearing on it. None! Do you understand that?"

Mac nodded weakly, she knew what Harm was saying was right and the rational side of her agreed, but in the last year all sense of reason seemed to have evaporated.

"Was that a nod I saw?" Harm asked, a tiny relieved smile on his lips.

Mac nodded again. "But Bud and Harriet…"

"Bud and Harriet do not hate you, they do not blame you. they love you."

"But…"

"But nothing." He kissed her head again.

Harm pulled Mac closer and she rested her head on his chest, her arm lay upon his shoulder. "Mac, babies come into this world everyday and sadly some leave it just as soon. That's just the way things are and it's something we have to accept. When we have our baby…"

"Our baby?" Mac echoed.

Harm continued. "Yes, our baby! Sarah MacKenzie, we have a baby deal which has two years left to run, or did you forget?"

"No, I didn't forget, it's just that…" Mac said quietly.

"There are no promises with any baby, they come and they grow or they come and they go. Either way they are loved and adored. It has nothing to do with their name." He ran his hand slowly up and down her arm, providing as much comfort to himself as it did to Mac.

Mac drew a deep breath and wiped her eyes. "How did you get to be such an authority on the matter?"

"My name is Harmon Rabb. I was named after an amazing man but one I scarcely remember. I tried so hard to be like him, to make up for the years he lost, until one day a friend pointed out to me that although I was Harmon Rabb, I had my own life to live and my own dreams to fulfil. She said that even though we shared a name, I was my father's son but not my father and the sooner I began to live accordingly life would be much better."

"Sounds like a smart friend," Mac said, thinking of Jordan.

"Yes, she's a very smart friend," Harm replied, ever grateful for the advice.

"Anyone I know?" Mac asked sitting up to look at him.

"I think so...it was you, Sarah…Remember?" He said staring into her eyes.

"Oh yeah."

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Final chapter to come…it won't be until next week as I'll be away for a few days.