He stood in the bedroom doorway for the longest time, watching Martin sleep. He'd gotten back to the apartment later than he'd expected – the result of several breaks in their case that had come late in the day. By the time he'd left the office it was well past nine. He hadn't bothered to call Martin and let him know that he wouldn't be bringing any food back. He knew Martin would understand his being late, and as far as the food went…he was pretty sure Martin would find something to eat on his own. Seeing how Martin was almost constantly hungry.
What he hadn't expected was coming back to the apartment to find Martin already asleep…and Victor Fitzgerald in the living room watching television. Surprised hadn't even begun to cover it. Not that he hadn't anticipated Victor finding out about Martin's leave of absence, but he hadn't expected him to show up at Martin's apartment.
Sighing, Danny slowly crossed Martin's bedroom and tentatively sat on the edge of his bed, continuing to watch the other man sleep. Danny wondered how long they could go on this way – ignoring so much that was important. He knew his presence helped Martin. He knew Martin didn't want to be alone right now, and Danny was more than happy to stay, to help in any way he could. But there was so much more going on…things that they were doing a very good job of ignoring.
Their feelings for each other. The fact that up until the night that Danny had found Martin collapsed on his doorstep they'd barely been speaking. Ultimately, Danny knew, it was the reason for their not talking that was the most dangerous. He knew it had the potential to come up at any time…vicious, looming…worst of all; he knew it was his fault. Not visiting Martin in the hospital after his shooting, his blundered attempt at an apology…the fact that he'd never even tried to explain why. And lastly…the single kiss they'd shared. Tainted because it had been born out of Danny's guilt and sorrow.
He shut his eyes for a moment, remembering the kiss, forgetting his own desperation behind it…but he could so clearly recall the feel of Martin's lips on his, the way he tasted, the softness of his skin. Shivering slightly, Danny opened his eyes and bit down on his lower lip, stifling a whimper. So hard to resist – and he didn't – shifting closer to Martin's sleeping form. Very cautiously, so as not to wake him, he reached out and brushed his fingers over Martin's cheek. Trembling, he touched Martin's hair and neck, a feather-light touch that wracked Danny with chills and left him strangely overwhelmed. He pulled back quickly when Martin stirred, unable to escape before his eyes opened.
"Danny?" he asked softly, yawning slightly, looking up at Danny curiously.
"I'm…I'm sorry Martin," Danny murmured, blushing; he couldn't believe he'd been caught. "I didn't mean to wake you."
Martin yawned and shook his head, his eyes sleepy and soft. "S'ok," he replied. "What's up?"
Danny shook his head. "Nothing, I just…" he paused. "Go back to sleep…we can talk in the morning," he said, forcing a smile and sliding slowly off the bed.
But Martin caught his wrist and held him still. "Stay," he murmured when Danny looked into his eyes.
Danny swallowed hard, part of him desperate to say no, to escape because this had the potential to be all kinds of dangerous. But then Martin's fingers moved slowly over his wrist sending shivers through Danny, and he couldn't resist. He lay down on his side; careful not to get too close, though his body remembered well what it felt like to have Martin in his arms.
They were quiet for a while, eyes locked as they lay side by side. Danny was the first to look away, eyes flitting to a random spot on the wall behind Martin's head. "I talked to your father," he said abruptly.
And that got Martin's attention. Snapped him out of his semi-awake state, and took away that soft, open look in his eyes. Danny was regretful, but felt infinitely better about them not making a stupid mistake now.
"I…I thought he left," Martin answered tensely. "When I went to sleep…"
"That's why he stayed…didn't want you to be alone while you were sleeping," Danny whispered. While the embarrassed words had made Victor seem more human in Danny's eyes, Martin simply scowled and huffed impatiently.
"What else did you talk about?" Martin asked sulkily.
"You don't have to pout about it," he teased. He was currently fighting the very strong urge to lean closer and kiss the frown off of Martin's lips.
"I'm not pouting!" Martin argued.
Danny tried – and failed – to hide his smile, to which Martin only scowled further. "Okay, okay…whatever you say," he said, grinning. "But, we didn't talk about…much," Danny went on, voice more serious again.
"Danny…"
"It was weird Martin," he admitted. "I mean, I hardly know your father very well. But when I walked in and found him here I…well, first I expected him to flip out. I could think up all sorts of scenarios…like it was my bad influence that led you to where you are now or…I don't know, something like that," he said, slightly unnerved by the way Martin was watching him so closely. "But Fitz he just seemed to…I don't know…he was genuinely worried about you."
Martin looked away for a few moments before meeting Danny's eyes again. "I know," he replied. "I felt that way too…when I told him what happened. I was expecting…disappointment."
"He's your father Martin…he's going to be worried," Danny murmured.
"Don't," Martin retorted quickly, his eyes flashing with something Danny couldn't quite identify. "Just…don't. Please…" The heat in his voice quickly faded into weariness, and Danny reached out before he could stop himself, fingers trailing down Martin's arm to his hand, lacing their fingers together.
"I'm sorry."
Martin shook his head. "It's okay. What else did you talk about?" he asked softly, shifting closer to Danny, unconsciously it seemed.
"Not much…basically he just asked how you were doing. And how long I'd been staying here."
Martin frowned. "Why did he want to know that?"
Danny shrugged, his thumb moving gently over Martin's hand. "A lead in to his next question maybe…" he trailed off, waiting. They were closer now, practically pressed together, their hands clasped, and Danny was incredibly nervous.
"What question?" Martin asked after a few moments when Danny didn't continue.
He didn't want to tell him; it was as simple as that. Because he wasn't at all sure what it would lead to. But he couldn't just not answer, couldn't even lie for that matter. Martin would know.
He met Martin's eyes again, struck by how blue they were, how close he was. "He asked if you and I are lovers."
Martin's eyes widened for a moment before he quickly looked away. Danny squeezed his hand and he felt Martin shudder. Martin moved closer and Danny was beginning to find it difficult to breathe. They were so close, nearly touching, and Danny wanted Martin in his arms.
Compared to the night Danny had held him following a nightmare, this was different. Despite their feelings and the state of their relationship, that night had been a platonic sort of comfort that had been easy for Danny to give. But now…the air between them crackled with electricity and an unspoken want that had been there for far too long.
"What did you say?" Martin asked roughly.
His breath was warm, fanning out over Danny's skin, making it impossible to resist anymore. He let go of Martin's hand and brought it to his face, cupping his cheek in his hand. Martin's eyes were full of anticipation and need and Danny couldn't help himself, couldn't find a single reason – and he knew there were plenty – to not do this. He brought their lips together in a soft kiss. Sighing, Danny slid his fingers into Martin's hair, pulling him closer as they kissed. Soft, slow at first, as if they had done this so many times before. Martin's lips were soft, damp, parting shyly as Danny's fingers pressed into the back of his neck. And God, for all the times he'd fantasized and thought back on that one, single kiss, it was nothing compared to this.
Danny took his time, tongue searching out every crevice of Martin's mouth, tasting him, wanting more with every second that passed. And Martin's arms came around him slowly, pulling him closer. He whimpered softly, low in the back of his throat, a sound that sent shivers through Danny…made him weak.
When they finally broke apart they were both breathing heavily, blue eyes locked on brown, full of lust and…more; lips swollen and wet, cheeks flushed. Danny wanted more, wanted everything. But he forced himself to pause – not to stop – and finish their conversation first. He had the distinct feeling that it was very important.
"I told him the truth," he murmured, brushing the back of his knuckles over Martin's cheek.
"I don't know what that is," Martin admitted softly, a tremor in his voice.
Danny smiled softly and nodded as he lowered his eyes. That was exactly how he felt…he had no idea what the truth really was. What their relationship really was. "I know," he answered after a few moments. "Neither do I."
Martin looked surprised. "But what did you tell him?"
"I told him no," Danny replied simply as if it were that easy. His heart ached, wishing it were different. "But I…well, he looked at me for a few moments as if he didn't believe me," he added. And it was true. After Danny had gotten over the shock of being asked that particular question by Martin's father and had answered…he had become quite uncomfortable under the older man's scrutiny. He'd had the feeling that Victor almost knew something that he didn't.
"Did he say anything else?" Martin asked after a few minutes. He seemed lost, unsure how to continue this conversation, and Danny wanted nothing more than to take away that sad look in his eyes.
Danny cupped Martin's face in his hands and shifted closer. "No."
"I wish the answer to his question was yes," Danny admitted after a few moments, his voice soft, uncertain because he knew this had the potential to end badly. But he met Martin's eyes steadily, watching as they widened and then looked away nervously. And Danny waited, knowing there wasn't anything else he could say. What he'd told Martin was the truth, and he was tired of stepping around it or bending it.
Martin paused for a few moments, as if trying to figure out what he wanted to say. Finally, he met Danny's gaze again, blue eyes filled with a helpless sort of confusion. "So do I," he answered softly, his voice trembling. "But I don't...I don't know how to…we have so much to figure out and…Danny…"
His words were jumbled, broken and Danny could hear so much confusion in his voice. That's why the sensible thing would be to talk, to force Martin to tell him what he was feeling, to discuss all of their baggage and past mistakes before jumping into something new. But they were here now, together, lying in each other's arms…and it was so much easier to just ignore it all.
Danny wasn't sure who started their next kiss, but it was so easy. So easy the way they came together, touching each other carefully yet also with a desperate sort of need that had been there for far too long. Things became heated quickly, those same touches growing in need, searching out skin as they sipped and tasted each other's mouths.
Time seemed to stand still as they let go, continuing to kiss and touch and want each other. Danny lost all concept of calculated time in Martin's arms and when they finally broke apart for a few minutes he had no idea how much of it had passed. They were pressed together tightly, legs tangled, shirts tugged partially off, jeans unbuttoned, sweatpants pulled down partway. Martin's arms were on his back, hands pressed hotly against his skin; Danny held him tightly, one arm around his waist, the other buried in his hair. Their eyes were glazed, their lips red, wet and swollen, their skin flushed…
All in all…disheveled. Deliciously on their way to being…debauched even.
But despite it all, Danny had to stop. More than anything he wanted to ignore their unspoken problems, sweep them under the rug and continue with now. Martin, he knew, was pliant and willing and even though he had his own misgivings, Danny knew if he asked that Martin would say yes. But he didn't want their first time to be tainted with all the looming questions that still hung between them.
"Danny…" Martin whispered, fingers pressing against his back, his lips gentle as they kissed the corner of his mouth.
"Martin…we have to stop," Danny responded softly, his hand gently cupping Martin's cheek. He kissed him again, contrasting his own words as he moaned into Martin's mouth, still not tired of the way he kissed, the way he tasted. He didn't think he ever would be.
Martin whimpered his protest against Danny's lips, shaking his head slightly and kissing the underside of his chin and slowly down his throat. He pulled Danny closer and pressed their hips together sinuously.
The heat between them was incredible and Danny almost lost his nerve. In all the countless times he'd let himself fantasize about Martin and what it would be like to kiss and touch him, none of it had ever felt like this. It had never been this good. And, unfortunately, it had never been tinged by uncertainty.
"I want you," he whispered, both hands on Martin's face now, looking into his eyes, separating their bodies just slightly. "I want you so much Fitz. So much that I ache for you. But not like this…not when there's so much we need to talk about first," he pleaded. "I don't want this to be a mistake…a regret."
Martin watched him carefully, blue eyes not letting him look away for a few minutes. And Danny could see him trying to protest, to come up with the words that would convince Danny that if they had sex now it wouldn't be a mistake or a regret or something they'd want to forget. But finally, he relented, eyes closing over a resigned sadness.
"You're right," he murmured in response. He cuddled closer to Danny then, burying his face against his neck and sighing softly. Effectively, he wrapped himself so completely around him that Danny began to wonder which limbs were his. "But don't go," Martin added suddenly, voice slightly fearful as he pulled back just enough to look into Danny's eyes. "Stay with me like this…please."
Danny nodded in response, too afraid his voice would break if he tried to answer. He kissed Martin softly again, willing his body not to react, not to want so much right now. And when they finally settled comfortably against each other, he decided that they had to stop putting it off. They had to talk…about everything.
He could only hope it turned out for the best.
tbc...