Title: "This is Me, Getting Out"
Author: Wish Wielder
Fandom: Doctor Who
Pairing / Character Focus: Martha Jones
Challenge: 30 Smiles
Theme / Prompt: #23 (Weak Heart)
Word Count: 1,098
Rating: K Plus / PG
Summary: Jack said that the Doctor has a way of unlocking the you you're supposed to be, but that's not how it worked. Not for me, at least.
Notes: Post-S3, just after Martha leaves the Doctor. First person POV.
Disclaimer: "Doctor Who" and all respective properties are © the BBC. Megan D. (Wish Wielder) does not, has never, nor will ever own "Doctor Who".
"This is Me, Getting Out"
I've had a lot of time to think about things since leaving the Doctor – since before leaving him, really, during that year that never was. I've had a lot of time to talk to Jack since coming to work for Torchwood. And with all this talking and thinking, I've realized something I missed in my year with the Doctor – but then again, I think I missed a lot of things that year.
Jack told me about his time with the Doctor and how much he changed – how much he grew – from it. He said it was like finding himself, finding a home. He said it was one of the best times he ever had, and he never regretted it. I don't think I ever will, either.
Jack said that when you travel with the Doctor, he has a way of unlocking whatever's trapped inside you – of making you become the you you're supposed to be. It's part of that 'finding yourself' bit he mentioned – but I know that's not how it worked. Not for me, at least.
See, I had already found myself. I knew who I was, where I was going, what I was capable of – the works. I was Martha Jones, soon-to-be Dr. Martha Jones, and I knew exactly who she was. I had my life together, even if my family was falling apart. Maybe that was why I was so eager to go with him – to escape the insanity of Dad's girlfriend and Mum's anger.
But that's where it all happened, you see. I went with him for his 'one trip', and 'one trip' became two, and two became three – until finally I shoved my way onboard for good, or at least what I thought was for good. But…no, it happened before that. With that 'genetic transfer' – well, he can 'genetic transfer' all he likes; it was still a kiss in my book. He kissed me – kissed me – and that was it. He became a guy that could take me away from my exploding family, and I latched onto him – to that idea.
He kissed me, and in that one moment I lost Martha Jones, the soon-to-be Dr. Martha Jones who knew exactly who and what she was.
I spent a year traveling with him, going around as a Martha Jones who had no idea who she was past the infatuation she had for this amazing madman. I lost myself, but I didn't care. I had the Doctor, and I was happy with that.
But I didn't really have him, did I? She did. And I wonder sometimes if he even realized it, 'cause he never tried to hide it. The first thing he told me when I stepped onto that ship of his was "You're not replacing her!", and I should've realized then that she had never really left in the first place. She had never left any room for me to replace her in – not in his mind, not really. 'Cause he loved her, like I loved him – or maybe more.
'Cause that's the thing, isn't it? He loved – sorry, loves – her so much that he can't let her go. Can't move on. Couldn't really look at me and just see me. I love him, yeah, but not enough to hold on. Or maybe I'm just not strong enough to hold onto something I know I can never have. Not anymore, at least.
I was strong. Back before I met him. And then he came in and swooped me away in a whirlwind of adventure and it was brilliant, yeah, but it made me forget. He made me forget, and the terrifying part is I let him. I was so mad about him that I waved that Martha Jones off with a shove and a smile, and I didn't even care.
But I learned a lot in that year that never was. I remembered a lot. I remembered who I was, and I found a way to be her again – to be Martha Jones, the now-Dr. Martha Jones. I found a way to be strong again, and I think maybe…in a way, maybe that means I do love him as much as he loves her. Because I got out. I loved him enough to get out, to leave him for her.
He told Jack she was trapped in a parallel world. Well, maybe she is now – but I saw it, how much he loves her. I saw it in his eyes every time he'd look at me and see her, heard it in his voice every time he said her name, felt it in his hugs every time he'd let himself forget I was Martha. And I think…if I love him enough to leave, he loves her enough to go get her. He'll find a way, one of these days. 'Cause he's the Doctor, and that's what he does.
And I'm Martha Jones, and this is what I do. I live. I'm strong. I help people. I do my job, working right alongside Dr. Owen Harper in Torchwood (sometimes over him, when he's really annoyed Jack), and I'm good at it. I'm Dr. Martha Jones, and I saved the world – even if they don't remember it.
I got out – out of the Doctor's magical world of time travel and running for our lives – and maybe it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Because now I can be me again, and he can go back to looking for who really made him happy. I will say, though…sometimes I think I can't get over the whole "doctor" idea. Because I love him, but I've realized I can love other people, too. People like Dr. Tom Milligan. And he may have an A&E instead of a blue box that's bigger on the inside, but maybe that's what I need to get my head away from the Doctor – a nice normal doctor with normal patients in a normal hospital, right here in good old London town on normal Earth.
And really…Harold Saxon – the Master – was evil, yeah. My family hates him. A part of me hates him, too, for what he put the Earth through – even if they don't remember. But there was one good thing he did, one good thing for me and the Doctor. He took me away, forcing me to travel a year around the world on my own. And I found Martha again.
And I may not be the 'Defender of the Earth' – not like Jack, not like her – but I am Dr. Martha Jones.
And I am good.
A.n.: Ok, so I gotta say…I kinda lost inspiration with this while going through S3 on SciFi. After the Lazarus Experiment, she changed, and she seriously ticked me off. BUT…come LotTL, she was back to the Martha we saw in S&J and SC, and I was so happy – and this? My reasoning behind it, because I think she did lose herself when she was traveling with him. But that year on her own forced her to "grow up", if you will – forced her to get back to who she was pre-Doctor, and then the Martha I love came back out and I was just so happy I squealed through the whole thing (and please please please RTD, don't cock her up in TW/S4; I like this Martha, and now that she's back you have to keep her!). (Though boo on you, SciFi, for cutting off the end bits in LotTL where she sees Dr. Docherty/calls Tom! Dx
Gist of that long note: I'm sorry I've ignored this for so long, but now that my Martha's back the plunnies are biting again, so hopefully I won't be as uninspired with these anymore.