Author Note: Okay, so I lied; chapter four is HERE! Check my profile for updates... blah blah. Also the reason why Kornicopia of Kaos is on indeterminate hiatus. Yes, yes, this chapter is short but the next chapter will be a LOT longer...
Thankies and GREAT BIG hugs to ckret2 for BETAing! Go check out her proooofile... I command yooooou...
Dib and Zim sat at the kitchen table, surrounded by towering columns of unidentifiable things that had only one thing in common; they were called waffles by a certain robot. The spawn sat on the floor, a bright white bandage wrapped around its head and a rubber pig in its tiny claw, happily chewing on its head. GIR had been locked in one of the basement rooms, away from the spawn and any essential machinery. The couch had been rebuilt by an irate computer and the traumatized pig shoved out the door –where it huddled behind a lawn gnome. Dib sported an impressive bruise where GIR had flown into a temper tantrum after the human had taken a laser from the robot –why Zim had lasers laying about with a robot like GIR Dib had no idea. Zim had, as well, not escaped unscathed and absently scratched at the pink Band-Aid on his chin. Occasionally, he glowered at the Dib, certain the human had purposefully flung that spork at him. The human and the alien felt lucky –although they would never admit it- that they had escaped with such minor wounds and the base with relatively normal damage considering GIR lived there. As it was, they now sat at a recently damaged table with time ticking by, both glancing nervously at the giggling spawn on the floor.
The spawn was completely oblivious to the scrutiny and revelled in the new sensation of rubber between zippered teeth, the previous disaster forgotten. But for a few darkening bruises and the large cut on its head, hidden by white, it could have never happened. To the spawn's shock the rubber gave rather suddenly and it was holding a decapitated toy. Unfazed, it grinned and began whacking the headless rubber piggy against the floor while chewing on the head.
"Sooo..." Dib trailed off, unsure.
"So what, filthy monkey?"
"Um... it needs a name, we can't keep calling it 'spawn' or... or 'smeet'." He scrutinized the destructive baby. "I can't even tell if it's female or male..."
"THAT is because –unlike dirty wormbabies- the irken race has NO NEED for horrible hormones and... and other things hyuuuumans have... yes... so HA!" The irken finished by leaping onto the table and pointing a claw in Dib's face.
Dib sighed and rolled his eyes, pushing Zim's claw out of his face. "Well, it needs a name... I guess one that's not gender specific..."
"An irken name. Worthy of a GREAT IRKEN WARRIOR!"
"What?! NO! It has to be a human name!"
"No DNA of mine will carry a filthy dirt-child name!"
"And no DNA of mine will have a disgusting alien name!"
The two glared fiercely at each other, claws hooked, fists clenched.
"Whyyyyyyy don't you use BOTH your naaames?"
Dib blinked. "Hey, that's not such a bad idea."
Zim grinned in victory. "I KNOW! Let's use BOTH our names and- GAH! GIR?! How did you escape??!!"
The cyan robot smiled blankly. "I don't knoooooow..." it tilted its head so far it fell over, still staring and smiling.
Dib and Zim shuddered.
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I gots spidahs in my heads!"
Relieved the robot was back to... uh, normal, the two archrivals turned their mind to a name. A name worthy of a great irken warrior. A name worthy of a great human scientist.
"Um... Zib? Biz? Diz?" Dib tapped his chin in thought.
"DIM!!!!!"
Dib jumped, almost falling out of his chair.
"DIM! THE SMEET'S NAME SHALL BE DIM!!!"
"Dim? But, Zim, that's a human insu-"
"SILENCE! Zim has spoken!"
"But-"
"ZIM SAID SILENCE!!!!"
Dib considered kicking some sense into the tiny invader but quickly abandoned the idea as it would probably not work very well- if at all. "I'm not going to let a piece of my DNA have an insu-"
"SEE?! You agree with ZIM'S amazing name!"
"What? NO! I didn't say tha-"
Zim stood up as tall as he could, assured of his height by the table, and began a MIGHTY victory laugh. Which was interrupted by a choking noise. Zim whipped his head around in anger, expecting to see GIR doing something... stupid. However, it was the spawn choking on the rubber piggy head after trying to swallow it.
The two rivals watched in a sort of shock as the spawn coughed and gagged, struggling to dislodge the pink obstacle. Finally, Zim leaped off the table and began shaking the tiny smeet violently.
"ZIM COMMANDS YOU TO LIVE!!!!"
By some strange twist of fate- or the intervening hand of a fanfiction writer who didn't want her character dead after four chapters- the rubber piggy head was expelled violently, smacking Zim in the face.
"GAH! GEEEEERMS! FILTHY GEEEERMS!"
As Zim ran around the kitchen in blind panic the smeet watched and giggled, the near-death experience forgotten completely.
Dib sighed and shook his head. "It's Dim all right."